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Emory wrote: "Can I get some opinions on how this passage reads? If you need some background info on the story or anything to help, let me know and I'll provide it.

"Suddenly Grace feels her stomach burn with ..."
It's not how I'd write it, but I think all you really need to do is keep tweaking it. It seems wordy, but that might be a proper reflection of the character. I'd ditch the start of the third sentence, as written, and start it with "Grace's pulse weakens.."
But that's just me. :)
I like the "her heart races her breaths." That's a nice touch. Sure, we all know someone's heart might race, but what's it racing, right?

I see no issue in the 'flow' of the text if that's what you're looking for.

I agree that "dilated pupils" in two sentences one after another might be a cut candidate.

Now, I am not a doctor or something but isn't weakening pulse and racing heart contradictory? Might be worth asking someone who actually knows, though.

Hi Emory
I've never been shot, but I have experienced trauma and shock, which doesn't make me any expert, but I can share those experiences if it helps.
I was once hit by a car and split my head open on the windscreen, or perhaps it was the tarmac - I remember hearing my body making contact with various surfaces. I heard the screech of brakes and the screams of people nearby as I felt a weightless slow motion spinning through the air in complete darkness. I felt no pain whatsoever, even when I opened my eyes feeling very restful and thinking I had better get out of bed and go to work before I was late. I was taken to hospital where they stitched my forehead without anaesthetic and I still didn't feel a thing!
I hear belly wounds are the most painful, but shock can propel us straight into dreams and a complete loss of sense of time, or into the comforting white light homecoming of death.
What I mean to say is, sometimes there is no pain or even understanding of what is happening, but it can seem a very long time passing, whereas to observers the person might already be dead before a gunshot is even heard, and so it could be interesting to show two paces of time being experienced, or really mess up Grace's perception of it if she is destined to survive.
Also, if feeling starts to push through the numbness of shock, then it's often an overall cold feeling rather than a burning.
That's about all I know from experience or talking to people who have suffered serious injury or assault.
Are you aware you have Grace being unable to hear and then able to hear?

Hi Emory,

As follows.

"Suddenly [Assuming, this is the very next event in your story, this 'suddenly,' is unnecessary. I'd only use 'suddenly,' for something that was an absolute surprise. Watch out for words like suddenly, immediately, abruptly used to signal pace. They do the opposite and slow the reading down.

Grace[?] feels her stomach burn with all the intensity of a building set ablaze.

[Assuming that Grace is the POV character, then the use of 'feels' is 'filtering,' you're interposing yourself as author between the reader and the narrative. Your POV character gives direct access to anything they can experience. This becomes...]

Grace's stomach burned with all the intensity of a building set ablaze. [OR]
Her stomach burned with all the intensity of a building set ablaze.

Do a scan of your manuscript for feel, felt, saw, heard, smelled, etc.... could all be examples of filtering. Goes to the concept of show, not tell.

Graeme wrote: "Hi Emory,

As follows.

"Suddenly [Assuming, this is the very next event in your story, this 'suddenly,' is unnecessary. I'd only use 'suddenly,' for something that was an absolute surprise. Watch ..."A

Crikey, that last point just rang an alarm bell! I'm gonna check over my own stuff and see if it needs a bit of tightening up.

The dream state question is an exciting one. I suggest only make a thing unclear to the reader if you want to raise tension and questions to be resolved later - but I'm still new at this game, so others might have some more fascinating or practical ideas.
But I want to thank you for reminding me how exciting the process of writing can be. I sometimes forget.

Reading Frank's first reply, I must say there's something about what he says. Vaguely remembering my roller-blading accident, the fall (taking a fraction of second) was feeling like in slow-mo and I've lost any sense in the most injured area (left elbow, in my case). I was in complete shock and just held a blood-soaked handkerchief to it while being oblivious to the total scope of the injury (which needed almost 6 weeks to heal on its own) and when I finally got to a normal functioning some hour later, all I felt in that place was the typical 'tingling'. Then, since it was abrasive injury, not a ballistic wound, it is affected by the fact that most neural endings were scrapped by the asphalt - thus the loss of any sense from that specific area.

Looking at.

She hits the ground as blood soaks her shirt. [I find it useful to shift verb tense in the final part of the sentence and drop the 'as', so this becomes...]

She hit the ground, blood soaking her shirt.

Her skin pales as she struggles to breathe. [I think you need stronger verbs to carry the paling of her skin and her struggle to breathe. This becomes...]

Her skin blanched and she gasped for air.

With dilated pupils, Grace’s pulse weakens, her heart races her breaths. [You could put in details about dilated pupils, and weakening pulse, but I'd leave 'em out. This becomes...]

Her heart raced.

[I would put that together with the previous sentence to get...]

Her skin blanched, gasping for air, her heart raced.

Her dilated pupils glassily gaze into Lucia’s eyes as she moves desperately to Grace’s aid. [Drop the 'glassily gaze' and look for a stronger verb. You also have two characters both taking an action in the same sentence, which I would recommend avoiding. Limit each sentence to a single character, since the last sentence was about Grace. Make this sentence about Lucia but still from Grace's POV. I.e. how does Lucia appear for Grace....]

Lucia hovered above her. [I would add another action for Lucia, something with her hands, as she tries to help, or if Lucia is helpless, she might just grip Grace's shoulders, or wring her hands.]

For.

Unable to hear, [Is Grace normally deaf, or is this just because of being shot, in any event, this is contradicted by 'distant yells,' within the same paragraph. Probably just leave this out.]

Grace lies there watching Lucia, certain she is drawing in her last breaths. The burning sensation grows, blackness rapidly replaces her surroundings. [Ok, 'certain,' conveys 'calm deliberation,' to me, so does 'watching.' Instead of having her think about dying, have her experience it... Suggest...]

Grace stared at Lucia, fiery tendrils of agony coursing through her body, darkness rolling in around her.

For.

The distant yells of “stay with me” hit Grace’s ear drums as her eyes close and she slips out of consiousness." [If Lucia said it, let Lucia say it. Then you don't have to talk about sound hitting eardrums - too much detail there, and 'slips out of consiousness,' could have more oomph. this becomes...]

"Stay with me!" Lucia screamed.
Grace's eyes closed, crushing darkness sweeping her away.

[Allow your dialog to become action and move the story forward too.]

Putting this back together, I would structure it as follows. I.e. More than one paragraph.

[PARA]Grace's stomach burned with all the intensity of a building set ablaze. She hit the ground, blood soaking her shirt. Her skin blanched, gasping for air, her heart racing like a wild thing.

[PARA]Lucia hovered above her, pressing hard against her wound. Grace stared at her, fiery tendrils of agony coursing through her body, darkness rolling in around her.

[PARA]"Stay with me!" Lucia screamed.
[PARA]Grace's eyes closed, an infinite shadow sweeping her away. [Swapped in 'infinite shadow,' as I was using darkness repetitively.]

Emory wrote: "Yes, thank you for pointing that out. Showing rather than telling is one thing I struggle with in my writing but I know it would make the story that much better for the reader, so I will be sure I keep working to perfect it...."

Thanks Emory, no problem.

From a review of my 4th book...

"Also, the heavy amount of exposition really slowed the pace of the story for me. As a thumbnail, I would guess at an 80/20 split between exposition and narrative. This leads to pages where, as a reader, I’m shown nothing but told a lot."

...and I thought I was being crisp.

Emory wrote: "A question, if I go the route of having Grace's perception propel her into a dream state, do I ensure the reader knows when she has been propelled into that dream state or assume the reader could tell and just go about the scene?..."

Suggest fragments, unrelated but pertinent details, could also be written in italic font to make it more explicitly her internal world.

You're welcome Emory.

Good luck with the journey.

Frank wrote: "Crikey, that last point just rang an alarm bell! I'm gonna check over my own stuff and see if it needs a bit of tightening up...."

Crikey... is that an Aussie note I'm detecting?

Hi Emory,

[1] For what it's worth, I'd suggest focusing on capturing what your POV character is experiencing.

[2] You're allowed to inject a little omniscience POV from time to time esp if it moves the narrative forward and gets the reader to flip the page.

For example. The last line for the above scene could be something like.

Grace never heard Lucia speak into her smartphone, 'Sir, it's done.'

It's outside Grace's POV, but sets a dramatic point to reach for the next page.

[3] Keep you sentences about one character doing or experiencing on main thing at a time. The 'thing,' can have related sub-parts to it in the same sentence.

[4] New paragraph for each different character action. Allow the paragraphs to operate like a baton being passed from character to character as you progress through a scene.

[4.a] If there is only one character interacting with the environment, it can make sense to do this, the environment functions as another character especially if the environment is hostile to the aims of the POV character.

Emory wrote: "Can I get some opinions on how this passage reads?"

I've glanced over everyone's responses, only as per normal mod duties. I didn't read everyone in detail, but it seems you're getting some great feedback so far. Here's mine. Apologies if I end up repeating what others may have said.

Drop the "suddenly". It's a word that should be used sparingly, if at all. We know getting shot is quick and dramatic. Punching it up with that word is overkill.

I've read a lot of true accounts of people being shot. I have yet to read anyone describe it as feeling like a burning building. Again, this feels like overkill. Some say they didn't feel pain, some say it felt like a bee sting or a punch. Some say it feels like a hot poker. Now, I could be wrong. Perhaps in Grace's case it does burn that intensely. If you haven't researched this, I would recommend doing so.

"She hits the ground as blood soaks her shirt. Her skin pales as she struggles to breathe." <-- This looks like one of my bad habits. The two sentences alone are fine. Together they feel clumsy as the construction is so similar.

"With dilated pupils, Grace’s pulse weakens, her heart races her breaths." <-- My very minor medical background tells me the pulse would grow stronger if the heart is racing. I like the "heart races her breath" line. Maybe cut out the sentence above about struggling to breathe, since she seems to be breathing heavy here.

"Her dilated pupils glassily gaze into Lucia’s eyes as she moves desperately to Grace’s aid." <-- Cut the adverbs. You already mentioned she has dilated pupils. The whole sentence feels clumsy as you seem to shift from Grace to Lucia. Maybe simplify it this way, "Grace gazes into Lucia's eyes as Lucia moves to her aid."

"Unable to hear, Grace lies there watching Lucia, certain she is drawing in her last breaths." <-- Other than letting us know that Grace is losing her hearing, you're not introducing anything new here. We know she thinks she's dying. We know she's watching Lucia.

"The burning sensation grows, blackness rapidly replaces her surroundings." <-- Good.

"The distant yells of 'stay with me' hit Grace’s ear drums as her eyes close and she slips out of consciousness." <-- I thought she couldn't hear.

It's rough, yes, but good for you for working it over. I do have to say this is better than the sample of your book I read a couple of weeks ago. Keep at it!

Bill wrote: "So, can I throw a couple of mine in for comparison?"

I can't tell if you're trying to hijack the thread and make it about your own writing instead of Emory's, or if you're trying to gain interest in books you've already published. This is a workshop, not a showcase.

Emory wrote: "Graeme wrote: "Hi Emory,

As follows.

"Suddenly [Assuming, this is the very next event in your story, this 'suddenly,' is unnecessary. I'd only use 'suddenly,' for something that was an absolute s..."

A question, if I go the route of having Grace's perception propel her into a dream state, do I ensure the reader knows when she has been propelled into that dream state or assume the reader could tell and just go about the scene?

Hi Emory,

The only way to tell how the dream state works is to give it a try and see. Can't predict that until it's written. Context would be important; how you lead into the 'dream' state, and out of it