Support for Indie Authors discussion

Hello—This blurb is 204 words, which is longish but probably (?) okay for an Amazon description. It looks a little long for the print edition's back cover, though.

I'd greatly appreciate feedback in general, but specifically I'm wondering about dropping the "My name is Root" quote to shorten it. Or something else? Or leave it as is?
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A rural-dystopian adventure that explores post-apocalyptic Amish country, a society shaped by fear, and individual choices that remake the world.

“My name is Root. I was sixteen when I first heard the voice no one else could hear. I feared I might have the Nothing within me. But by the time my village burned me alive in the Pit? By then we were all pretty sure.”

On an ordinary-seeming Wednesday in 2161, the first chimera arose. A year later, twelve billion people were dead. The few who survived called it the Reckoning.

Generations later, their descendants still struggle under the legacy of the Reckoning. Behind the walls of small, rustic villages, they cower from chimeras, eking out lives of caution and conformity. They do as they’re told. They’re wary of anything different.

Root couldn’t be more different.

Curious, stubborn, and blind since birth, she disquiets her village. Born to the village priestess, she stands apart. Frustrated with a wall-bound life, she grudgingly accepts it—until she hears the voice that no one else can hear.

The secret she discovers will upend her peoples’ understanding of what they should truly fear. And how she uses that knowledge will determine whether humankind’s last ember flickers out.

Hi, Andy. I believe this blurb has potential. I agree with you that the "My name is Root" quote should be dropped to keep the blurb brief and consistent in the third person point of view. I would also suggest revising the first two lines for clarity. For example: "The first chimera rose in 2161. A year later, twelve billion people were dead. The few who survived called it the Reckoning."

I hope that helps. Feel free to message me if you have more questions. Best of luck!

I like to give longer blurbs a cold read, giving you my reaction of each sentence / paragraph as I go through.

A rural-dystopian adventure that explores post-apocalyptic Amish country, a society shaped by fear, and individual choices that remake the world. Normally, I'm not keen on starting a blurb with a description of the kind of book it is, as often the kind of book isn't that unique. Yet... post-apocalyptic Amish country? That's a new one. (And intriguing). Definitely keep that at the top, somehow. The rest of it? Most dystopian books I've heard of or read are adventures. They often include societies shaped by fear and rebuilding a new world. Maybe this could be shortened to "A rural-dystopian novel of post-apocalyptic Amish life".

"My name is Root. I am Groot. (I love the name, by the way).

I was sixteen when I first heard the voice no one else could hear. Heh. Being an Iowan and a fan of W.P. Kinsella, I immediately thought, "If you build it, they will come". But, really, this is intriguing.

I feared I might have the Nothing within me. But by the time my village burned me alive in the Pit? By then we were all pretty sure.” Now I'm lost. I don't know what the Nothing is. Is Root dead? Is this a ghost story? Or was he just burned and healed? Who is "we"? The villagers?

On an ordinary-seeming Wednesday in 2161, the first chimera arose. Drop the "ordinary-seeming". It's not important.

A year later, twelve billion people were dead. The few who survived called it the Reckoning. Okay...

Generations later, their descendants still struggle under the legacy of the Reckoning. Behind the walls of small, rustic villages, they cower from chimeras, eking out lives of caution and conformity. They do as they’re told. They’re wary of anything different. This is becoming more of a history lesson than a blurb. Where is the story? Where did Root go (assuming he's still alive or a ghost)? Is this still about the Amish?

Root couldn’t be more different. Ah. Well, considering I don't know what is "normal", it's hard to know what is "different". There's not much context here. All I know is it's normal to burn people who have the Nothing and it's normal to cower from chimeras (and probably very wise).

Curious, stubborn, and blind since birth, she disquiets her village. Yeah, unless burning someone is normal behavior, I got that.

Born to the village priestess, she stands apart. Frustrated with a wall-bound life, she grudgingly accepts it—until she hears the voice that no one else can hear. Oh, yeah. The voice. Still unsure what to make of that.

The secret she discovers will upend her peoples’ understanding of what they should truly fear. And how she uses that knowledge will determine whether humankind’s last ember flickers out. The "last ember" nicely ties this to Root being burned and to the chimeras.

Over all, this sounds like an interesting story, but the blurb is messy. It's all over the place and it's hard to get a bead on what it's all about. Maybe a bit more focus on Root and less on the history?

Greg wrote: "Sounds good. Is Root Amish or non-Amish living in Amish country? I didn't think the Amish had priestess."

I wondered that, too.

Thanks for all the feedback so far! I'll work with all of these ideas.

I'm likely to drop the quote. It might be breaking the flow and introducing a perspective beyond what a blurb needs.

Will also revise to drop the priestess part. That make sense in the context of the book, but I don't want people stumbling over seemingly-dissonant religious ideas in a blurb.

Dwayne, I really appreciate the stream-of-consciousness critique.

That's a great way to unpack a hunk of text, especially for marketing text that will grab— or drive away—readers as each sentence goes by.

I don't understand the ? at the end of
But by the time my village burned me alive in the Pit?

And it seems a fragment rather than a full sentence.

Other than that, don't have anything to add that hasn't already been said.

I've tightened it up and made it more time-linear; 149 words.
__________

A rural-dystopian novel that explores post-apocalyptic Amish country, a society shaped by fear, and private choices that remake the world.

In 2161, the first chimera arose. A year later, twelve billion people were dead. The few who survived called it the Reckoning.

Generations later, their descendants still struggle with the legacy of the Reckoning. Behind the walls of small, rustic villages, they cower from chimeras. They eke out lives of caution and conformity. They do as they’re told. They’re wary of anything different.

Root couldn’t be more different.

Curious and stubborn, she disquiets her village. Blind since birth, she stands apart. Frustrated with a wall-bound life, she grudgingly accepts it—until she hears the voice that no one else can hear.

The secret she discovers will upend her peoples’ understanding of what they should truly fear. And how she uses that knowledge will determine whether humankind’s last ember flickers out.

Hi,

Before commenting I have some questions:

I'm not sure how to understand "Amish." Is it an actual Amish community (as of 2161) in a post-apocalyptic world, or is the whole world Amish-like? It does sound Amish-like with everybody living in "small, rustic villages.

"They do as they are told" - by whom - the chimeras or their own leaders? More generally, do the survivors interact in some ways with the chimeras - do they fight them? Are the walls there to protect against the chimeras and if so, do they work?

What is the connection between "the voice" and the secret Root discovers? Does it simply tell her a secret, or does it guide her outside?

Taking another crack at this...

A rural-dystopian novel that explores post-apocalyptic Amish country, a society shaped by fear, and private choices that remake the world. Other than "post-apocalytptic Amish", this is still fairly bland. We know it's a novel already. We hope it will explore whatever world its set in. That's part of what novels do. I'd like to see a real attention grabber at the start.

In 2161, the first chimera arose. A year later, twelve billion people were dead. The few who survived called it the Reckoning. Is there a reason you don't open with this? This is much stronger. It says so much without saying much, if that makes sense. We get that it's set in the future, that there are monsters, people are being killed in high numbers... this really sets a great tone.

Generations later, their descendants still struggle with the legacy of the Reckoning. Behind the walls of small, rustic villages, they cower from chimeras. They eke out lives of caution and conformity. They do as they’re told. They’re wary of anything different. Not as strong. The first half of the paragraph is good, but then it kinda fizzles out into phrases that are meaningless to anyone who hasn't read the book. Conforming to whom? They do as who tells them? What do you mean by "different". I don't know enough about their world to know what is considered normal.

Root couldn’t be more different. Than what?

Curious and stubborn, she disquiets her village. Blind since birth, she stands apart. Frustrated with a wall-bound life, she grudgingly accepts it—until she hears the voice that no one else can hear. This bothered me some in the original and more this time: Why is it disquieting to have someone curious or stubborn? Surely she's not the first to have those qualities. Is blindness that rare? Maybe more focus on why she's frustrated with the walls and less on why she's disquieting to the villagers. Her attitude about the walls seems more in line with the central plot than what the villagers think of her (unless I'm missing something). Maybe a little more of a hint about this voice would be good, too.

The secret she discovers will upend her peoples’ understanding of what they should truly fear. And how she uses that knowledge will determine whether humankind’s last ember flickers out. I had this feeling the first time through, now its stronger. This all feels a lot like the movie The Village, only set in the future. That can work for you or against you, depending on the reader that reads your blurb. It wouldn't hurt to find something to focus on that is different from The Village.

Hi John -- good questions.

Answering the first two questions (what "Amish" means and who they obey) is complicated. The story has four parallel narratives with multi-century time jumps, so those answers vary.

Peoples' relationship with chimeras is really just as the blurb puts it: cowering from them (not obeying, hunting, or collaborating). Whether the walls work--again, that's a long, winding, spoiler-laden story.

Root hears a voice, and as an indirect consequence of that, she goes out and discovers a secret.

Given all that, I really just want people to come away with something roughly like this:

1. "A dystopian story that somehow involves the Amish? Interesting."

2. "A compliant society where a unique outlier stirs things up? I've liked that kind of story before."

3. "A secret that will decide between humankind's survival or extinction? I'm curious to know what that means."

Hi Andy,

Para 2 & 3 gets my attention. I like the word choices and the rhythm as in the repetition of 'they' and the wordplay on 'different.'

Also, in the paragraph starting with "Curious" I really like the 3 sentences with the same structure and then the fourth breaking the rhythm and introducing the voice.

I still think thing some stronger connection between the voice and secret, to let us know something about her goals and her journey. It could be I misunderstand this, but if a blind girl goes on a quest beyond the protective walls to where the monsters live, that would certainly grab me.

In the header: "novel that explores" - isn't it only literary fiction novels that calls themselves a novel? Maybe "story about"?

Dwayne and John, thanks so much. Your insights are really valuable.

The earlier version was a little tighter, but I hope this one's more clear.

I moved the summary from the top to the bottom. That lets it open more dramatically. Also, though I like the hook of Amish Dystopia, leading with that over-emphasized their role: The Amish are a subplot, albeit an important one.

As for the word "novel," a marketing professional tells me that despite the setting, the book reads like literary fiction rather than genre fiction. I didn't intend to write one way or the other, but I'll take her word for it.
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In 2161, the first chimera arose. A year later, twelve billion people were dead. The few who survived called it the Reckoning.

Progress begat downfall. Invention begat death.

Generations later, their descendants live in small, rustic villages. As a legacy of the Reckoning, they cower from chimeras. In a culture that fears innovation, they eke out lives of conformity. Under the weight of centuries of caution, they mistrust anything that's different.

Root couldn’t be more different.

Curious and irreverent, she disquiets her village. Blind daughter of the village priestess, she stands apart. Frustrated with a wall-bound life, she grudgingly accepts it—until she hears the voice that no one else can hear.

The journey that follows will take Root into the wilds—and beyond death itself. And her choices will determine whether humankind’s last ember flickers out.

A rural-dystopian novel that explores post-apocalyptic Amish country, a society shaped by fear, and private choices that remake the world.

Andy wrote: "Hello—This blurb is 204 words, which is longish but probably (?) okay for an Amazon description. It looks a little long for the print edition's back cover, though.

I'd greatly appreciate feedback..."

Yes, I feel it is too long. And some day you have to provide the 75 to 100 word version that goes on the back cover of the published book. I've found my blurb gets better as I'm forced to shorten (tighten) it. The shortness forces clarity on the challenge facing the protagonist (named) the worthiness of the antagonist, along with the risks to the realm, village, or world if the bad guy/gal isn't defeated.

So I suggest you now write the 75 word version, and see what you produce. Try to entice the reader who is in the book store browsing and doesn't have a long time before having to go home and feed the kids.

Yes, it does seems longish. I wonder how it would look if you introduced Root at the absolute earliest possible time.

A detail: after you've put in "Progress begat downfall. Invention begat death." the "their" in the next paragraph refers quite a long way back to "the few survivors." Perhaps that's not a problem when one reads the blurb carefully, but in many situations, it will only be skimmed.

Ed wrote: "[S]ome day you have to provide the 75 to 100 word version that goes on the back cover of the published book."

Thanks Ed! Very true, good point. I'll definitely circle back to make an even shorter one as needed. For now, I'm hoping to nail down a more keyword-rich midsize version that I can also use in electronic, search-friendly listings.

John wrote: "I wonder how it would look if you introduced Root at the absolute earliest possible time."

Thanks John! Interesting. I'd love to lead with Root, and based on your suggestion, I've been trying that out. Unfortunately, she seems most vivid when standing in contrast to the collapse and atrophy that preceded her. Hopefully, shortening the blurb significantly will bring her close enough to the beginning.

Thanks again everyone for the excellent insights. The latest version is down to 130 words, within the 100-150 word sweet spot:
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In 2161, the first chimera arose. A year later, twelve billion people were dead. The few who survived called it the Reckoning.

Generations later, their descendants cower within the walls of small, rustic villages. They revere tradition. They fear innovation. They mistrust anything that’s different.

Root couldn’t be more different.

Curious and irreverent, she disquiets her village. Blind daughter of the village guardian, she stands apart. Frustrated with a wall-bound life, she grudgingly accepts it—until she hears the voice that no one else can hear.

Root's journey will upend her understanding of her limits, her world, and death itself. Her choices will determine whether humankind’s last ember flickers out.

A rural-dystopian novel exploring post-apocalyptic Amish country, a society shaped by fear, and private choices that remake the world.

I like it much better now (except for the last sentence which seems overly complicated)

Jenny wrote: "Hi!"

Hey, Jenny? If you want help with your own blurb, please start your own thread instead of hijacking someone else's. Thanks!

Sorry!! Posting malfunction- having a few issues navigating my way around this think. Thought I pressed new thread but maybe I didn’t :-/

I like this, and I think Root is now introduced as early as possible.

I realize you've cut a lot for length, but one little detail I think maybe should be included is that they cower because of the chimeras.

Thanks John. Great point. That only costs me three words:
____________________

In 2161, the first chimera arose. A year later, twelve billion people were dead. The few who survived called it the Reckoning.

Generations later, their descendants hide within the walls of small, rustic villages, cowering from chimeras. They revere tradition. They fear innovation. They mistrust anything that’s different.

Root couldn’t be more different.

Curious and irreverent, she disquiets her village. Blind daughter of the village guardian, she stands apart. Frustrated with a wall-bound life, she grudgingly accepts it—until she hears the voice that no one else can hear.

Root's journey will upend her understanding of her limits, her world, and death itself. Her choices will determine whether humankind’s last ember flickers out.

A rural-dystopian novel exploring post-apocalyptic Amish country, a society shaped by fear, and private choices that remake the world.