Support for Indie Authors discussion

Book 3 - does this work?

---------------------------------

“No such things as vampires” – who would say such a stupid thing in the magically turbo-charged environment of Barrowhurst-under-Helltide?
Paul Moore, retired master of the dark arts, did not expect to be quoted in the local newspaper. It’s just coincidence that he’s asked to do a basic pre-opening safety-check on the Lower Barrow Farm Vampire Safari, which is just a bit of fun, right?

Arthur is eighteen, the star vampire with special effects powered by a new magic, and deeply in love with Bessy the Vampire Slayer. But Bessy only has eyes for dragons, and a very nice girl from out of town.

So what do foolish, angry, spurned adolescent boys do?

They conquer lands, build empires, or burn them to the ground... with their their magic-powered glamour dialled up to hell-mark one thousand.

All Paul has to do is put out the fire, fight almost-vampires, save his girlfriend’s dragon, find a magical book, fix drains destroyed in a magical accident, and generally save the world.

Once again, Paul Moore is cleaning up the mess in Barrowhurst, where Armageddon means not having to wash the dishes.

• who would say such a stupid thing in the magically turbo-charged environment of Barrowhurst-under-Helltide?

Why are you asking this of a reader who has no idea of what "magically turbo-charged" means, or what the hyphenated name signifies? In short, dump the first paragraph.

• Paul Moore, retired master of the dark arts, did not expect to be quoted in the local newspaper.

What can this mean if we don't know the quote, or what the term "dark arts" means in the context of this story? Remember, your intent doesn't make it to the page.

• It’s just coincidence that he’s asked to do a basic pre-opening safety-check on the Lower Barrow Farm Vampire Safari, which is just a bit of fun, right?

A reader has no context to make sense of this blurb, I'm afraid, because you give the reader no context to make your words meaningful.

Your goal isn't to give background on the story, or a limited synopsis. What you're trying to do is make the reader want to turn to page one and see if the writing, there, sells them on committing to read the novel. And that's it. The blurb isn't a sales too, it's bait. So focus on what problem the protagonist must solve, why s/he is the one who must, and what happens if they don't.

And just like every page of the novel, focus on making the blurb entertaining, not informative.

Per your question, does it work? Yes, but it could work better.
It's humorous but crowded with detail.

The most interesting parts to me were Arthur the horny 18-year-old vampire (dialing up his glamour) to hook up with Bessy The Vampire Slayer. That's a relationship made in, well, you know. And Paul trying to--I'm not sure what--but prevent it?

I'm not familiar with the series and with all the description, Paul, who I'm thinking is the MC, kind of got lost. The other thing is, is it a circus, a freak show, or a safari? Maybe all three, but the word 'safari' sounded out of place.

Overall it does sound like a fun book.

Thanks both - I've had another pass at this.

“No such things as vampires” – Paul Moore, forcibly-retired master of the dark arts, gets himself quoted in the local newspaper, saying something stupid. This is Barrowhurst-under-Helltide, the magically turbo-charged playground of hooligan demons, pliable reality, and karmic inevitability.

Then the new Mayor asks Paul to inspect the newly-built Lower Barrow Farm Vampire Experience. Just a basic safety-check, because it’s only a bit of harmless fun, right?

Arthur is eighteen, the star vampire with special effects powered by a new flavour of magic, and deeply in love with Bessy the Vampire Slayer. But Bessy only has eyes for dragons, and a very nice girl from out of town.

So what do foolish, angry, spurned adolescent boys do?
They conquer lands, build empires, or burn them to the ground... with their their magic-powered glamour dialled up to hell-mark one thousand.

All Paul has to do is put out the metaphorical fire, fight almost-vampires, save his girlfriend’s dragon, find a magical book, fix drains destroyed in a demonic explosion, and generally save the world.

Once again, Paul Moore is cleaning up the mess in Barrowhurst, where Armageddon means not having to wash the dishes.

I like a bit of humour with my fantasy, so I`ll give it a read.
[email protected]

I think this blurb could be tightened up.
Here is my opinion: Paul Moore, of Barrowhurst Under Helltide, a magically charged town, was quoted in the local newspaper as saying, "No such things as vampires." The newly elected Mayor, for reasons known only to self, asked Moore to conduct a safety check on the Lower Barrow Farm Vampire opening. Paul discovers Arthur, an eighteen year-old, star vampire, who falls for Bessy, a vampire slayer, but she has eyes for dragons only. Arthur's anger is cranked up, and he wreaks havoc on the community, plunging Moore into his own heroic acts against vampires, dragon slayers and saving the town.

Well, it's still a bit wild, but it's consistent, and the things that threaten to pull it apart at the seams are the same things keeping it together. (I think it's the tone, it's consistent.)

You could add a guiderail or two. For example the second paragraph: Paul's latest task is to inspect the newly-built Lower Barrow Farm Vampire Experience. Just a basic safety-check, because it’s only a bit of harmless fun, right? But Paul has never before encountered a lovesick vampire. [and then go on to Arthur]

The fourth paragraph I think would be smoother saying "magical glamour." And the very last paragraph could be left out.

That said though, you already have a reader as shown above so you could also leave everything as is. (I really like the "deeply in love" part. (Arthur is hopelessly smitten.)) It sounds like a fun book.

M.L. wrote: "Well, it's still a bit wild, but it's consistent, and the things that threaten to pull it apart at the seams are the same things keeping it together. (I think it's the tone, it's consistent.)

You ..."

Thanks - that really straightens a few things out.

Style-wise, it matches the book, which itself tends to the wild at times. The suggestions from Tony certainly make it more compact, but it then loses the feel of the book.

The start of the second para was bugging me, but I couldn't see how to fix, and I think a lot of the problem was being too close to the story when I needed to simplify things. And yes, "magical glamour" is much, much smoother.
I was tempted by the "lovesick vampire" sentence, but it turns out that Amazon cuts it off after "right?" and if I haven't got a reader's attention by then, I'm doomed.

So, it's live. At last. Only two months late! I ought to be 10-20k into the next one to publish next year... so that will have to wait until 2021. I'm doing this for fun, not a stress-induced early grave. :)