Support for Indie Authors discussion

Looking to gather feedback on the blurb for my upcoming release :)

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Two years after being exiled, Nathan Miller returns to the world to exact a terrible price from those responsible. The world he returns to though, is not the one he left behind. To secure his vengeance, he’ll need to form alliances—with his enemies.

His target, Tiberius Holt, has risen to the highest office in the land on the strength of his Horde Army. To reach him, Nathan will have to trust Sarah Moore—the same woman who helped exile him.

Trust will not come easy, and when the past threatens to tear them apart, Nathan will learn there is more at stake that just revenge. Nothing less than the fate of democracy may rest in his hands.

I think it's good. When you say "returns to the world," does it mean he was off planet? I'd want to know about that.

The other thing is saying he wants "to exact a terrible price." That leaves me thinking he might be doing it unfairly. (?) Different (to me) from seeking revenge to right a wrong. The last paragraph sort of clears it up, but It's still a bit general as far as his motivation.

If this is a series and I've read the previous one(s), I would probably know these things, but I'm looking at it as a new reader.

M.L. wrote: "I think it's good. When you say "returns to the world," does it mean he was off planet? I'd want to know about that.

The other thing is saying he wants "to exact a terrible price." That leaves me ..."

I hear you on the vague illusions. The thing is, this is book 2 of a serial not a series. So, I'm not really trying to attract readers who haven't read the first book because they would end up confused and rate the book low simply because they haven't read the first book. Make sense?

V.M. wrote: "I think your blurb sounds really good! Way to go!"

Thanks!!

The length seems to be just right - not too long and not too short. I think you should've mentioned it in the topic (not the blurb itself, obviously) it's a second book so we know it references something the readers would know from the first (as you've replied to M.L.). With that in mind, it sounds good.

Tomas wrote: "The length seems to be just right - not too long and not too short. I think you should've mentioned it in the topic (not the blurb itself, obviously) it's a second book so we know it references som..."

You're right, I should've been clearer about the serial nature of the book :)

I think it's very good!

I'm also a little confused about "world." As the genre is SciFi I assume it means away from a planet, but it sounds like he has been dead or in other ways exiled from the world at large.

Have you considered an alternative to "responsible"? It seems that you could clarify the situation (and the character) if it was "those who betrayed him" or judged him, or framed him or whatever it was they did.

Good luck!

John wrote: "I think it's very good!

I'm also a little confused about "world." As the genre is SciFi I assume it means away from a planet, but it sounds like he has been dead or in other ways exiled from the w..."

Seems like I have some clarification to do :)

He has been exiled from civilization - not on another world. The genre may be miscast as Sci-Fi but, some readers of the first book placed the story there due to the future setting and super powered characters. Genre has been a problem :(

I’d just go with this bit. It’s intriguing.

Two years after being exiled, Nathan Miller returns to the world to exact a terrible price from those responsible. The world he returns to though, is not the one he left behind. To secure his vengeance, he’ll need to form alliances—with his enemies.

Jane wrote: "I’d just go with this bit. It’s intriguing.

Two years after being exiled, Nathan Miller returns to the world to exact a terrible price from those responsible. The world he returns to though, is no..."

Thanks Jane :)