Our Shared Shelf discussion
Miscellaneous
>
The Storm In The Self
date
newest »
newest »
Mod
I think depression eats away at people for years. And that what you just said above was "I'm still here and I'm still fighting this."
And that is so powerful.
I am not a trained therapist, but I know of a few resources can act as your reinforcements:
https://www.7cups.com/
7 Cups connects you to caring listeners for free emotional support.
or https://www.betterhelp.com/
Better Help connects you with trained therapists who can work with your specific needs.
First it's not selfish even I am sure you are convinced it is. Why am I saying that because I feel the same when I must talk about such things. I don't know if you are depressed or even what are the reasons of that.
What I know is it seems to be something I know.
I also know that I have been so resentful to people who usually claim how they would listen to you that they want men to express their emotions but whenever you try to do so they tell you you are alone, that it's too much (yes it happened to me and at that time I shut everything down in me to not bother those people and I suffered in silence for years!).
I also know this terrible fear of holding back emotions because of being too scared to hurt. Too terrified to be rejected because you think it would be too much for the others to listen to your emotional tempest.
I am really sad for you and I believe I understand you. I believe I understand you don't feel allowed to express yourself and you are terrified. I know that because I experience that more often than I would like to. The fear of not being understood, the fear of being rejected and whenever you are trying to talk about emotions but you are rejected it hurts so much. I recently talk about that to one relative (and I try to talk to more relatives especially women so that they know the truth, and it's really difficult) and more specifically regarding men dealing with emotions. I tried to explain how hard it is for some of us to express ourselves because society put in people's mind that being a strong man is to not show emotions but the truth is it eats us from the inside and I have seen men victims of that turning mad and loosing themselves. Men supporting Patriarchy because it allow them not to deal with emotions and because the image of strong men set us (so wrongly) as superior to women. We are afraid to talk about it with other men and even if many women claim they want us to express sadness and pain most of the time they are stunned and scared when we open up probably because of the aforementioned expectations dictated by society. And that's a so vicious strategy!
I don't know how I can help but I can tell you you are not selfish and you are not alone. We are many standing in the edge of this bloody cliff not knowing what to do with emotions, being judged for having emotions and wanting to express them. You are not alone.
Patriarchy tells you " you should not feel emotions because it's weakness. Women feel emotions, not men." when you try to talk about fear or other feelings to women (because it's easy for men to think we can talk with less difficulties to women because we are said women know more emotions) who are willing to listen but too rarely witness that (because of false image created by societies) they are afraid and you may feel rejected (and sometime you are rejected) and Patriarchy viciously tells you "you see, you should not feel emotions. They are not able to handle it and to listen to it even if they claim they want to. " A quite vicious strategy that unfortunately works very well... And I am believing that as long as societies will display the image of strong and stoic men standing on pedestal we'll always have sexism and Patriarchy, I mean how many women wanted or want (and how many men wanted or want to be) the strong man who brings the feeling of safety and protection, this rock that faces waves and hurricanes, this man only exists in Patriarchy. That's why it is terrifically vicious.
I even want to thank you for bringing that up because it has been weeks if not months I'm in a fluctuating emotional situation not knowing where to go because nobody teach men about emotions... So I try to talk more to people, I know I surprise them, I know some walk away from me because they don't want to face the truth, because it's too much (and that's terribly hard) but I also know that talking more about that will show to people, no matter the gender, that feeling emotions and talking about it is normal. It's by talking a lot about something we remove fear.
Also, een if it is important to express to other people it is also essential to express it to ourselves.
I struggled for years to accept my feelings or even to feel ready to get in touch with them but I decided to do so because I did not want to become like my father(S). I have seen the tremendous damages of suppressing emotions do to men (and women) and it almost killed me (that's the poison I often refer to). After years, I finally understood a nightmare and I was able to cry, it was really difficult for me to allow tears. I guess I was ashamed to be sad because that's what we are taught "you cry you are weak!", "you have emotions you are weak!", "don't cry like a girl!" (yes those sentences we are told are quite sexist and sustain discriminations), "a man is strong and stoic, if you are sensitive you are weak!", "stop being such a pussy and be a man!", not every parents say that but we too often hear that in daily life as growing boys.
Many people wonder why men struggle with emotions: we are terrified, afraid it's too much to share, scared it will damage others, frightened to be rejected so that the perfect role and expectations of the image of strong (often straight) man may sustain. That's what Patriarchy does to men who refuse it.
So I'm not surprised you ended up posting in a feminist forum because feminism claims and support that men should not be afraid to express, even if I often wonder if people are really ready for us to open up, ready to question the false image and their own conception of maleness.
Ryan, if you want to talk here... Please feel free to do so. You have no idea how you post is brave, believe me.
I told myself I was doing a break with this forum to focus on my self but... As I saw your post in the summary of OSS discussion I could not say nothing... I could not let you imagine you are alone... So I take a lot on myself and I post because even if for me it's hard those days maybe I can bring some support! 😢
Yes I use a sad smiley with tears, because right now I'm crying!
What I know is it seems to be something I know.
I also know that I have been so resentful to people who usually claim how they would listen to you that they want men to express their emotions but whenever you try to do so they tell you you are alone, that it's too much (yes it happened to me and at that time I shut everything down in me to not bother those people and I suffered in silence for years!).
I also know this terrible fear of holding back emotions because of being too scared to hurt. Too terrified to be rejected because you think it would be too much for the others to listen to your emotional tempest.
I am really sad for you and I believe I understand you. I believe I understand you don't feel allowed to express yourself and you are terrified. I know that because I experience that more often than I would like to. The fear of not being understood, the fear of being rejected and whenever you are trying to talk about emotions but you are rejected it hurts so much. I recently talk about that to one relative (and I try to talk to more relatives especially women so that they know the truth, and it's really difficult) and more specifically regarding men dealing with emotions. I tried to explain how hard it is for some of us to express ourselves because society put in people's mind that being a strong man is to not show emotions but the truth is it eats us from the inside and I have seen men victims of that turning mad and loosing themselves. Men supporting Patriarchy because it allow them not to deal with emotions and because the image of strong men set us (so wrongly) as superior to women. We are afraid to talk about it with other men and even if many women claim they want us to express sadness and pain most of the time they are stunned and scared when we open up probably because of the aforementioned expectations dictated by society. And that's a so vicious strategy!
I don't know how I can help but I can tell you you are not selfish and you are not alone. We are many standing in the edge of this bloody cliff not knowing what to do with emotions, being judged for having emotions and wanting to express them. You are not alone.
Patriarchy tells you " you should not feel emotions because it's weakness. Women feel emotions, not men." when you try to talk about fear or other feelings to women (because it's easy for men to think we can talk with less difficulties to women because we are said women know more emotions) who are willing to listen but too rarely witness that (because of false image created by societies) they are afraid and you may feel rejected (and sometime you are rejected) and Patriarchy viciously tells you "you see, you should not feel emotions. They are not able to handle it and to listen to it even if they claim they want to. " A quite vicious strategy that unfortunately works very well... And I am believing that as long as societies will display the image of strong and stoic men standing on pedestal we'll always have sexism and Patriarchy, I mean how many women wanted or want (and how many men wanted or want to be) the strong man who brings the feeling of safety and protection, this rock that faces waves and hurricanes, this man only exists in Patriarchy. That's why it is terrifically vicious.
I even want to thank you for bringing that up because it has been weeks if not months I'm in a fluctuating emotional situation not knowing where to go because nobody teach men about emotions... So I try to talk more to people, I know I surprise them, I know some walk away from me because they don't want to face the truth, because it's too much (and that's terribly hard) but I also know that talking more about that will show to people, no matter the gender, that feeling emotions and talking about it is normal. It's by talking a lot about something we remove fear.
Also, een if it is important to express to other people it is also essential to express it to ourselves.
I struggled for years to accept my feelings or even to feel ready to get in touch with them but I decided to do so because I did not want to become like my father(S). I have seen the tremendous damages of suppressing emotions do to men (and women) and it almost killed me (that's the poison I often refer to). After years, I finally understood a nightmare and I was able to cry, it was really difficult for me to allow tears. I guess I was ashamed to be sad because that's what we are taught "you cry you are weak!", "you have emotions you are weak!", "don't cry like a girl!" (yes those sentences we are told are quite sexist and sustain discriminations), "a man is strong and stoic, if you are sensitive you are weak!", "stop being such a pussy and be a man!", not every parents say that but we too often hear that in daily life as growing boys.
Many people wonder why men struggle with emotions: we are terrified, afraid it's too much to share, scared it will damage others, frightened to be rejected so that the perfect role and expectations of the image of strong (often straight) man may sustain. That's what Patriarchy does to men who refuse it.
So I'm not surprised you ended up posting in a feminist forum because feminism claims and support that men should not be afraid to express, even if I often wonder if people are really ready for us to open up, ready to question the false image and their own conception of maleness.
Ryan, if you want to talk here... Please feel free to do so. You have no idea how you post is brave, believe me.
I told myself I was doing a break with this forum to focus on my self but... As I saw your post in the summary of OSS discussion I could not say nothing... I could not let you imagine you are alone... So I take a lot on myself and I post because even if for me it's hard those days maybe I can bring some support! 😢
Yes I use a sad smiley with tears, because right now I'm crying!
At 29 you'd think I'd have it even a little together. A modicum of stability in any form, but here I am, about as together as the end of a game of jenga. I feel like I missed it. Like somewhere along the way I took a break at a magical wall that grew like a tree the longer I waited. Suddenly, one day I realized how tall it had become. I realized how much time I had lost and how inept I still was, How left behind..
I failed as hard as I could possibly fail. I failed forward always in hope of success and my dreams, my passions, my drive, is so incredibly shattered and fragmented I don't know what's left of who I was or when. I don't have the speed anymore to believe I can one day create an impact. I'm tired. I'm so tired that I'm tired of tired, its exhausting this kind of heaviness. Its debilitating carying this many years of wasted search. It's so much weight now and the longer time passes the heavier it gets.
I have never, not once, ever, had the pleasure and experience of a normal life, but God...How I miss normal.. The idea of it. The acceptance of it. The ease being apart of the rest of the world. Becoming a piece that finally fits in The big puzzle. I would give a lot to loose the me now for a me I picture in my head.
How I ended up back here, in a group dedicated to feminism, on the miscellaneous channel using it selfishly as an outlet for my frustration.
I have nowhere else to scream.. I have no place to direct energy. I am so frustrated. Its almost 4am and I'm awake and sadly a melting pot of emotion. I hate it so much...