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Hi, thoughts please on this blurb. Thanks!

Witch Girl Magic Thief

The witch wants her dead, the fae want her alive, the police think she's hiding something. High school should not be this way.


Olivia knows the rules: study hard, never lie, do unto others. But when the Others are fae and a witch made the rules, telling the truth will get her locked up.

Last year she saw the impossible, this year she sees it again. She convinces herself it's all in her head. How else explain a boy who drowned but didn't, or a shining man who fell out of nowhere.

She carries on with her usual activities: volleyball, pop quizzes, a favor for mom. Denial won't make it go away. When she thinks it can't get any worse, it does.

It feels a bit too general. I see parts of two sides that shouldn't go together, but I don't see a hook beyond that. I'd like a few more specific references and connections. For instance:

How else can she explain a boy who drowned now beating her on the pop quiz?

or

The favor for mom happens to be housesitting for the man glowing in his secluded second story.

Something to tease just a little more.

Is this a sequel? The "last year" line implies that. Perhaps remind us how that adventure went? It won't spoil anything from the new book, but can give some of the exciting details that went before. (With only minor spoilers for that adventure).

I liked the first two paragraphs, but could the third and fourth possibly be combined?

Thanks, I appreciate it. It's good to get other perspectives. I'll work on it more.

I like para 1, but when I think about it, para 2 has got a little confusing. I would suggest giving some hint of what the truth is, the witch's rules, and int WHY it gets her locked up - or whatever. The drowning boy and the shining man hint at something good, but what? I suggest being slightly more specific, without spoiling of course. There are suggestions of a variety of hooks, but they lack substance, for me, anyway.

Thanks! That made me think of it a different way. I shortened it.

Witch Girl Magic Thief

Olivia knows the high school rules: study hard, never, lie, do unto others. But when a witch makes the rules and the Others are invisible, telling the truth will get her locked up.

Better. A clue as to the nature of the truth might help??

Another go at it.

Olivia is a high school student. Her priorities for the year include balancing a heavy academic workload, long hours of volleyball practice, and getting a driver's license when she turns sixteen. Not included is a last-minute request to befriend the awkward new girl, or investigate a death that may or may not have happened.

As she searches for truth the mystery deepens. Perhaps if she believed in the occult the answers would make more sense, but she doesn't. In the real world death patrols do not exist, there's no such thing as the fae, and once a person is dead, he stays that way.

My concern about this is too much emphasis on "normal" and only hints of what the story is about. Maybe more along the lines:

Olivia is already overworked as a high school student, but now (elaborate how) she had to befriend the awkward new girl (why is this a problem?) and (why or?) investigate a death that may or may not have happened (why is she investigating, as opposed t the police.

My point is I think you are ducking around the issue, whatever it is, but worse, you are making it obvious. If you do not want to explain, that is fine, but don't half-present. You want to make the blurb reader curious, but you have to show there is something worth being curious about. My opinion, anyway

Sacre bleu! :) It's come full circle, back to the police, she doesn't trust them. And the reason is because the fae are there, and in the upscale beach community things like that don't happen.

I'll use the first one! :)

Hey - rule 1 - it is your story. We are merely offering suggestions. You decide.

Suggestions and comments are much appreciated and very helpful. Pushback is good. Very important. The author must know what is behind the blurb, what it's being distilled from, what's driving it. And pushback tests that. Whether it's getting across or not, well, that's something to think about too.

Your comment about 'normal' is absolutely true. The story is anchored in the real world . . . except for unexplainable things that are seeping in, and then come crashing down. Even then it's real world: 'You have a right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.' But even so the paranormal doesn't go away.

I'll think about it more. Some things may need to be more obvious. With blurbs in general, I usually don't read past the first sentence or two, then I'm on to the look inside, but that is mostly determined by the cover first. If the look inside is interesting, then I might go back and read the blurb, maybe a few times.

There is also the set up in Amazon, the 'read more' 'read less.' So it's possible to add something there way at the bottom. I know here, everyone including me, says you don't need to. However, I've seen it enough to know it's definitely all right and probably a good idea. Thanks again!

So, bottom line, I may modify the first one, use the second one, come up with a different one. Need to decide soon. :) But all your comments are and have been taken into consideration. I find them helpful.

Here is an updated blurb with a few changes. :-)

The witch wants her dead, the fae want her alive, the police want to bring her in for questioning. High school should not be this way.

Olivia knows the rules: study hard, never lie, do unto others. But when the Others are fae and a witch makes the rules, telling the truth will get her locked up.

Last month she saw the supernatural, now she sees it again. She tells herself it’s all in your head. How else explain a boy who drowned but didn’t, or a shining man who fell out of nowhere?

She carries on with her usual activities: volleyball, pop quizzes, a favor for mom. But denial won’t make it go away. When she thinks it can’t get any worse, it does.

Witches, fae, the police. Someone is lying but who? If not one of them, one of us.

I'd almost say keep the first paragraph. Tweek it so that you mention Olivia's name and maybe why the police want to bring her in. Lose everything else. I feel you've got a pretty punchy and compelling blurb with that paragraph alone.

Jeremy makes a good point, but that would be too short. After "should not be this way", add something like, "especially when a witch makes rules." I would keep para 3 and add the last sentence of para 4. Ditch the rest. The one thing that could be added is a clue as to what is at stake in this story. But basically your revision is a lot better.

Thanks again! I'll be thinking about how to incorporate your suggestions.

M.L. wrote: "Hi, thoughts please on this blurb. Thanks!

Witch Girl Magic Thief

The witch wants her dead, the fae want her alive, the police think she's hiding something. High school should not be this way.


..."

I like the first blurb. The others seemed vague, but this is to the point. It hints at the conflicts while revealing there's more to high school than lessons.

I too like the first blurb as a stand-alone. But IMHO, I would tweak the last sentence. Something about "should not" feels a little formal and "this way" feels a little vague. For example, something more like "High school shouldn't be so hard" or "High school shouldn't be so dangerous" might draw the reader in just a little bit further?

A.J. wrote: "M.L. wrote: "Hi, thoughts please on this blurb. Thanks!

I like the first blurb. The others seemed vague, but this is to the point. It hints at the conflicts while revealing there's more to high school than lessons."

Thanks, A.J.! This seems to be the one I come back to!

Barbara wrote: "I too like the first blurb as a stand-alone. But IMHO, I would tweak the last sentence. Something about "should not" feels a little formal and "this way" feels a little vague. For example, somethin "High school shouldn't be so hard" or "High school shouldn't be so dangerous" might draw the reader in just a little bit further? ..."

Thank, Barbara! I might add the word 'danger' if I add a brief comment from the first person narrator at the start.

Thanks again for all the suggestions. :)
After about five more iterations, I ended up using this one with a few tweaks.

The witch wants her dead, the fae want her alive, the police want to bring her in for questioning. High school should not be this way.

Olivia knows the rules: study hard, never lie, do unto others, but when a witch makes the rules and the others are fae, telling the truth will get her locked up.

Last month she saw the impossible, now she sees it again. She tells herself it's all in her head. How else explain a shining man who fell out of nowhere or a student who died but still lives?

She carries on with her usual activities: volleyball, pop quizzes, a favor for Mom, but denial won't make it go away. When she thinks it can't get any worse, it does.

Friends, enemies, the police, someone is lying, but who? If not one of them, one of us.

I don't ready books about witches as a rule (and this is targeted for a younger audience) but this blurb makes me want to read it. The first two paragraphs grab my interest.

Her usual actives makes this seem like a young reader book instead of a young adult book. The short list youngs it down, but I still think it's a grabber over all. Nicely done.

Robert wrote: "I don't ready books about witches as a rule (and this is targeted for a younger audience) but this blurb makes me want to read it. The first two paragraphs grab my interest.

Her usual actives mak..."

Thanks, Robert, appreciate it!

Well done

Paragraph one is a grabber and the rest naturally follow.

The only teeny comment is that pop quizzes aren't "her activities" they're imposed. So maybe, "study?" or perhaps, "boy watching?" And "favor" should be plural.

Jay wrote: "Well done

Paragraph one is a grabber and the rest naturally follow.

The only teeny comment is that pop quizzes aren't "her activities" they're imposed. So maybe, "study?" or perhaps, "boy watchin..."

Thanks Jay, appreciate it!

Hi again! This is my updated blurb after listening to Brian Cohen's webinar on blurbs. :) Thoughts?

A haunted girl, an evil witch, the mysterious fae.

Olivia hopes each psychic vision will be the last. Then she can concentrate on school, grades, and getting a driver’s license. But a wicked force stands in the way and once Olivia crosses its path, the only way out is death.

As Olivia searches for answers, she discovers unsolved murders, a secret pact, and a vow to avenge the past. The truth exists in a lost library once magically protected, and within it a book thought to have been destroyed. Against impossible odds, Olivia fights to save a friend’s life, release others from the same fate, and protect those she loves.

If you like girls who won’t take ‘no’ for an answer, who avoid the easy choice and do what's right, then you will love One of Us by M. L. Roberts, a battle of honesty vs. lies in a city at risk.

Buy One of Us and dive into a race against time and dark forces. A story of magic, mayhem, and murder, told with a glimmer of sharp-edged wit, and tied to an unbreakable curse.

Btw - Amazon's blurb capability improved! In the detail section, you can now see your blurb both the way it will show up when it's live and the html. :)

I for one would be intrested to see whqat others think of:

If you like girls who won’t take ‘no’ for an answer, who avoid the easy choice and do what's right, then you will love One of Us by M. L. Roberts, a battle of honesty vs. lies in a city at risk.

Buy One of Us and dive into a race against time and dark forces.

This goes against the advice I have heard. As for the rest, my biggest question is is it too general. You write "a wicked force" - couldn't you give a clue as to exactly what? We can guess Olivia will not die, so is there a better way to provide the crisis than "crossing the line"? Give more of a clue as to what she must not do. Again, in the paragraph that follows, I think there is too much in it but too little you can grasp.

BWT, I really am trying to be helpful, and since I am about to try writing a blurb, I am really interested in what others think, and I suspect you will find my trial blurb needs help. Blurb writing for your own book seems to be hideously difficult because you are too deeply immersed in it.

This is helpful, Ian! I'm experimenting with it and may do another write up. In fact, I probably will. The call to action part, what I've read recently is to not do an aggressive call such as 'MUST buy.' I'm pretty resistant to calls to buy this book, must buy this book, must read, etc. So it definitely feels odd putting that there. I'm still figuring it out so this is helpful. Right now I have my old blurb on the book cover link and the new one for the ebook. :) Appreciate your help.

I hope I am helpful ;-) Blurb writing seems almolst as difficult as the book.

I ended up going back to the blurb in post 21. It's only been out about six weeks and is it's ok so far. Still reading up on blurbs though and it's a fun experiment. Three different sources for them and they all pretty much take the same approach.