SciFi and Fantasy Book Club discussion

Hello, fellow readers. I published my first book in April. I translated it to English myself, and my partner (who happens to be an English teacher) helped me a lot to make major corrections to my original version. I even used a paid subscription of Grammarly to "fine-tune" the manuscript before releasing it to the open.

However, even though the Spanish version has sold some copies and gotten great reviews, I think something of its "magic" was lost in the translation to English, as I have sold ONE single copy of the English version and nobody seems to get caught despite the Amazon lock screen ads I've paid for... :(

An acquaintance of mine started to read it and told me the translation "has issues"... But he wasn't specific. As I've seen some deep and great comments in this group, I thought maybe someone could help me identify whether I should "shut down" my English book for now, until I can be able to pay for a professional translation service, or if the corrections required are minor and the book has any hope as it is.

Using this link, you'll be able to start reading for free the first three chapters: http://a.co/4LRex0s, which should give you enough "feeling" about the book, and its general prose.

I appreciate any feedback you could give me. :)

I'm not sure if this is a book that I would normally read, so please get some other opinions as well. Also, my English is pretty good, but I'm not a native speaker. So try to get some feedback from native speakers too. I'm also not trying to hurt your feelings, so please don't take it personally.

I've read a little and I can understand why your friend would say that the translation has issues. It's because of a lot of smallish things that are difficult to point out.
Somehow, it doesn't seem to flow very well. In the few pages I've read I've come across a few mistakes, for example:

'Lino knew that such bond remained strong'.

This would read read better to me if it was

'Lino knew that such a bond remains strong'

There's also some word choices that seem odd. Almost like a thesaurus was used to find more obscure words.

But for the most part, I have some issues with the flow of the sentences. Some should just be cut up into multiple sentences (in my opinion). They're just too long and a lot of them just don't flow or read well. I think quite a few of these incredibly long sentences need some work. Some examples:

'I ask for your patience and understanding, because using this language is still strange to me, used, as anyone of my breed, to communicating without words.'

I would change it to something like:

'I ask for your patience and understanding, because using this language is still strange to me. I'm used to, as anyone of my breed, communicating without words.'

Or another example:

'Going back several decades, when the position of Niza was occupied by Kempr, nobody argued order and harmony reigned in all territories, but it was a tense harmony, almost artificial, based on fear and sustained by the - until then - erroneous belief that no Eternal could die.'

Which would read a lot better to me if it was cut up into multiple sentences:

'Going back several decades, when the position of Niza was occupied by Kempr, nobody argued order and harmony reigned in all territories. But it was a tense harmony, almost artificial. Based on fear and sustained by the - until then - erroneous belief that no Eternal could die.'

And in all honesty, I think a big portion of the longer sentences need some work. They make me feel out of breath, because there are no points to stop and rest (in a manner of speaking). Some of them just go on and on.

I only have time for a couple of pages right now.
I don't think you necessarily need a new translation.
Maybe a good editor, who can weed out these mistakes and improve the flow of the book.

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I hope that was helpful.

Also, keep in mind that I'm just one person and someone else could feel entirely different.

Sera ~ Catty Reader wrote: "I'm not sure if this is a book that I would normally read, so please get some other opinions as well. Also, my English is pretty good, but I'm not a native speaker. So try to get some feedback from..."

Dear Sera:
My feelings are not hurt at all. That's precisely the kind of feedback I'm looking for. I want my book to be liked in English as much as it's been liked in Spanish.

Your comments are very helpful, and I noticed the subtle differences your suggestions make to the fluency of the reading in the examples shown.

Regarding the 'thesaurus' remark: to be honest, I was using less 'obscure' words originally, but Grammarly suggested several of the changes. Supposedly, the reason was that my words were 'very common' or 'overused', so it suggested 'stronger' words. It seems that it caused the 'Joey effect', hahaha. (You know, that episode of "Friends" where Joey used a thesaurus to write a letter for Monica and Chandler... on every word)

Your suggestion of using a good editorial to help me fix those issues seems very appropriate. I really appreciate the time you took for reading a portion of it and helping me to point out the issues.

Thank you very much. :)

actually I would leave the comma out of this one:

'I ask for your patience and understanding, because using this language is still strange to me. I'm used to, as anyone of my breed, communicating without words.'

this flows better

'I ask for your patience and understanding because using this language is still difficult for me. I'm used to, as is anyone of my breed, communicating without words.'

and maybe race instead of breed?

CBRetriever wrote: "actually I would leave the comma out of this one:

'I ask for your patience and understanding, because using this language is still strange to me. I'm used to, as anyone of my breed, communicating ..."

Hello, CBRetriever. Thanks for the feedback. Yeah, those commas are a real PITA. =S I am beginning to feel that a proofreader would work wonders in my text.

Actually, the use of the word 'breed' was a big topic when I was translating the book. In Spanish, the word I use is "Raza" which means exactly what I wanted it to mean.

In English, however, 'race' can also mean some kind of competition. As the title of the novel in Spanish is "Las Cinco Razas", in English would read "The Five Races", which could be misinterpreted as some kind of five competitions, hahaha.

So, the word 'breed' seemed to have that effect of avoiding such misinterpretation. The title ended up as "The Five Breeds" and, to be consistent, I used that word instead of 'race' in the whole story.

Also, the main character is a hybrid resulting from crossbreeding two of the 'races', so it sounded to me that the word 'breed' would fulfill my purpose perfectly.

Does that make sense?

Injecting to say that while "race" has two meanings, it's not going to confuse people. Yes, they might initially think 'competition' but when the plot becomes clear, that's gonna disappear pretty quickly. "Breed" is not the word you want here, for starters it isn't often used to refer to humans or human-like beings except in a derogatory manner. It conveys the sense that the beings you're referring to are animals. Using 'breed' instead of 'race' is going to give your English readers pause.

This kind of wordplay, and the ins and outs of English connotations and usage really is why using a professional translator might be the best idea.

Melani wrote: "'Breed' is not the word you want here, for starters it isn't often used to refer to humans or human-like beings except in a derogatory manner."

Melani: that is great feedback. That way the word 'breed' can be interpreted when used to refer to human-like beings is a subtlety only a native English speaker would probably detect right away. For me, both words worked just fine.

Melani wrote: "This kind of wordplay, and the ins and outs of English connotations and usage really is why using a professional translator might be the best idea."

I absolutely agree with you, as my text is probably full of such small nuances which just ruin the reading experience. Thank you very much!

To everyone who took the time to read part of it, or to share their points of view with me: THANK YOU.

I've decided to unpublish the book, so I can correct all its issues before re-publishing it again, as it's clear now that the English version needs a major makeover.

This is a great community! Much love. <3

I didn't get a chance to read the chapters, but I want to agree with the whole using "race" versus "breed." I'm coming from a perspective of natives to the Americas, where using the term "half-breed" is an insult. Good luck with the translations!!! :D

Pixiegirl105 wrote: "I didn't get a chance to read the chapters, but I want to agree with the whole using "race" versus "breed." I'm coming from a perspective of natives to the Americas, where using the term "half-bree..."

You are very kind. Thank you very much for your feedback. Well, it seems no matter how long you have spoken a foreign language, you never stop learning. :) All the best.