Goodreads Authors/Readers discussion

I'm looking for some feedback on my query/pitch. Good or bad? If good why? If bad why? Would you read this book based on this?

"You are born in the tower, live in the tower, and die in the tower.

Jackie is a teenaged girl like all other girls. Her job will be chosen for her at 18, her home assigned to her by Authority, and her safety guarded by Security. She will receive her weekly allotment of food and attend Sevenths Day service once a week. She will be one more piece in the machine keeping humanity alive at the top of the tower. And she must never, ever attempt to go beneath Floor 21. Because beneath Floor 21 is The Darkness. Inside the Darkness is the Creep. And if humanity ever returns into the Darkness, the Builders will not come to rescue them from the only place they’ve ever called home."

Jason Luthor

I'm no expert but it seems pretty good to me except your opening sentence "Jackie is a teenaged girl like all other girls." could be expanded to give it more meaning like "Jackie is a teenaged girl like all other girls in the tower." or "Jackie is a teenaged girl like all other girls on Floor 21."

Hi Jason,

Try this web site. Good luck.

http://www.digitalbookworld.com/2013/...

Jason,

If Builders and Darkness and Creep are all being capitalized, why isn't "tower" as well? That seems like the most important part, the building they're all living in.

I think the phrasing "like all other girls" is ambiguous, since my first thought was that "all other girls" were teenagers in this scenario. When I realized it meant that she is just like everyone else, I lost a bit of interest. So far, the pitch of the book is that an average girl is about to fall into a boring routine. There is never any mention that she is going to venture below Level 21 for any reason, so there's no pressing issue for the plot to address here.

Also, the intensely vague phrasing is a bit of a turn-off. It's okay to make the reader intrigued, but it becomes a problem when I've read the whole pitch and have no clue what the plot is about or why I should be interested in the protagonist.

Is there a reason she descends into the Darkness? Is there some intriguing characteristic that makes her stand out? What is the setting of the story? What kind of genre could it belong to?

Your original post is over three weeks old, so I don't know if you'll find any of this to be useful anymore, but hopefully you see this.

I would read it. At the end it slightly lost my interest because of a lack of understanding what the Builders are or why it's important that they come rescue them. If I had some idea of why they want to be rescued or should be rescued, it would continue to interest me all the way through. You totally had me with this idea of the tower, though!

♥,
Cat at Galaxy Press

So what's your story about? Does she try to leave the tower? Why does she want to? Character goal, motivation, conflict.

I just read Hugh Howey's Wool a few books ago and your description sounds like a similar setup. Since Wool was so popular that may not be a bad thing. On the other hand, you may want to emphasize the differences between your story and his.

A good blurb tends to be short while it grabs the reader's attention. As your blurb is now, it might be a good story but the blurb doesn't tell me that.

Compare your pitch to the one below and tell me which gets your attention better.

******************************************************
Pleasure Machines, Soulless Killers, or People?

The ‘simple’ line between what we consider either machine or life form can be blurred when our eyes can’t tell the difference. When the machine is more human than its original creators the line between machine and life form can vanish. In a world where corporations are considered ‘artificial entities’ with more rights than human beings, who decides where to draw the line between pleasure machine, soulless killer, and person?

Jason wrote: "I'm looking for some feedback on my query/pitch. Good or bad? If good why? If bad why? Would you read this book based on this?

"You are born in the tower, live in the tower, and die in the tower...."

Actually sounds like a combination of other stories I've read...there are quite a few of similar ideas out there, so your pitch would have to spike enough interest to stand up to the other stories...such as the book that just recently came out on DVD..."The Divergent" ...or the Mocking Jay books...and some older books that I can't remember the names of atm. The first sentence gives rise to more confusion than any other emotion. What does it mean that she's just like any other girl or are you saying that all the girls are teenagers? Deductive logic tells me that all the girls are teenagers and that they are all the same...how is that possible? 18 is kind of old to start working. She's at the end of her teens, that is a long life to live in captivity without a job...isn't it? Is she going from captivity to solitary confinement? What is this tower? There is a machine in the tower that keeps humanity alive? Is it there because the earth is inhabitable for scientific reasons or have we turned into savages and need machines to protect ourselves from each other? Who's the creep? A "defected" human?
I don't mean to sound like I'm tearing into it (I'm not an author, merely a novice), but after reading the paragraph, I have too many questions and holes that leave me confused about the plot, that I may not choose to read the story. I don't feel like I can criticize the story line or the plot at all, because I don't understand quite what it is...it could turn out to be very intriguing.

Jason wrote: "...Would you read this book based on this?

"You are born in the tower..."

Honestly, it didn't interest me. I get that the whole thing is an allegory for a society in which people are kept in line with a fear of some unknown evil and the promise of some savior that might never show. Frankly, the society you're describing is cliche and has been done many times in uninteresting stories.

But, what is the story really about? Who is Jackie? Saying she's just like other girls is a turn off. Tell the reader something interesting about her. Give us a reason to want to know her.

Give the reader a reason to see that your story is better than others with a similar premise.