Write, Wrote, Written discussion

This is something that I'm working on :P don't get to excited, I'm not that great of a writer but I am trying to improve!

A soft groan escaped Ammon’s lips as he was shaken awake. The lids of his eyes slowly began to push at the weight that sleep had brought onto him. When the light from his newly discovered scenery finally reached his eyes he was staring up at a girl, roughly his age, with vibrant red hair. “Who…” He mumbled. Ammon slowly began sitting up.
“Hey now.” The girl said in a soft, wispy voice. “You need to rest. Here, have a bit more water.” Her lips parted to reveal snow white teeth. She pushed a small animal skin bag towards his mouth, “Come on. Drink.” She urged.
Ammon simply nodded and laid back down as he let the end of the sack press against his warm, sun cracked lips. When the water ran over his tongue Ammon put his hands up to pull the bag closer and started drinking greedily. Soon it was pulled away from his weak, sun dried hands. “Hey.” The girl whispered. “Don’t drink too much at one time.” She said with a soft laugh. “Don’t you know that? Well, you’re probably out of your wits right now.” She shrugged. “I’m talking to myself, aren’t I?” She asked him.

Ammon smiled softly up at her as he sipped at the water once more. “M-Miss?” He asked. “Where am I?” He asked through short, shallow breaths that seemed to do nothing for him.
She cocked her head at the seemingly odd question. “Well, Jalyk Cay of course.” The girl laughed at his dumb question. “Where else would you be? You’re a traveler right?” She asked.
Ammon shook his head and closed his eyes. “Whats a… What’s a Jalyk Cay?”
Her eyebrows shot to the sky and her eyes widened. “Wow. The desert heat must have done a lot more to your head than I expected. Maybe… Maybe you should just rest for now.” She nodded. “Okay?”
As Ammon’s eyes closed once more he gave her a small nod and drifted back off into sleep.

Nice read. Couple things though...
If he was shaken awake by the girl, why'd she tell him to rest?

"...sun cracked lips." Next sentence: "...sun dried hands." Maybe just say excessively dry hands?

"She cocked her head at his seemingly odd question." then "...laughed at his dumb question." A bit much, no?


The reader is intrigued. Who is he? What happened to him? This story has great potential. The only real trouble I see here is an excess of adjectives. Sometimes less is more.
But then, that's just my opinion.

Okay. I'll look it over. And she was more or less shaking him to possibly get some info from him or just so he'd be aware of the fact that he was drinking.

I'm only giving constructive criticisms here, in no way trying to beat ya down.
Good luck!