Support for Indie Authors discussion

Is this too vague? The story is about an investigative reporter in hiding. He's not a believer in the supernatural of any sort but strange things happen endlessly. He refuses to be spooked. The clue is in the title 'Immortality'.

Very happy for you to tear it apart - I find inspiration that way.

Here's my first stab at a blurb and I suspect it's not enough info to entice:-

“The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.” —Mark Twain

"You aren’t going to like Chester; he’s not sure he likes himself. You won’t know who he is; he doesn’t know who he is, not anymore, until there’s a knock on his door and he is invited into a mystery.

"His plan is to marry the only girl he’s ever loved. Meanwhile, he is in hiding and he has a lot to learn about why he was born."

I wish I had better news, but...

Drop the quote. It appears to have nothing to do with the story you talk about in the blurb.

And if you, the author, tell me I won't like a character when I meet him I believe you. And if I do, why would I want to read a story in which my avatar is someone I dislike? If that drives me away, I'll never learn what a great guy he would have become. Right?

And while you don't say, if the reader is supposed to find the protagonist unlikeable at first (the blurb seems to imply that) they won't to create an empathetic bond between reader and protagonist. And that could be a problem,

Thanks, and that's very helpful.

The quotation is everything to do with the story. He constantly asks 'why?' Why has this happened to him.

I have the quotation at the beginning and the end of the book - trying to work out which is best.

The unlikable bit is very helpful. Thanks. I'm just trying out what to pick out to put in a blurb.

Thanks again for your time and attention to detail.

I can see how the quote connects with the story. You spell it out pretty well.

Frankly, it's refreshing to be told upfront, "You won't like this guy". Liking a character in a story isn't a requirement for me. I didn't like Humbert Humbert (Lolita), Alexander P. (Portnoy's Complaint), Harry (Rabbit, Run), or Holden Caulfield (The Catcher In The Rye). But... I could relate to all of them. Some readers are expecting a hero or a main character they can imagine as their best friend. I just want someone I can relate to.

I wish your blurb was a bit longer.

Thank you very much, Dwayne. He gets more likable as time goes by and he's not that bad anyway!

I thought it best to warn in the blurb that this is very different from my usual hist fic.

Yep, it is definitely too vague. The thing that poked my attention was the "doesn't know jack shat about himself, his life is upside down, but he's planning to marry". Now that's definitely a kind of character I would dislike. You don't need to tell me I would.

If I was you I'd put more emphasis on the "likeable", interesting part, which here would be the mystery. We all know a lot of characters who start out as completely unlikeable and end up stealing our hearts.

I think it's good. I read the blurb first (without the author comments).

I would suggest adding the risk. It could be an either or: is he a scientist trying not to be kidnapped for his knowledge; a criminal who might be hung for his crimes; a man with a few wives he forgot to divorce. Some idea of risk if he is discovered. It's well written.

By the way, I like the quote. The unlikeable part is humorous--like he's a neurotic type guy--and how could he not be if he doesn't know who he really is? And then someone comes along and wants him to risk his life.

"The quotation is everything to do with the story."

For you? Absolutely. But when you read the blurb you know the story and how it's relevant. To a reader the meaning is what the words suggest to them based on their background, not your intent. And and yes, as the reader progresses through the story the connection will become apparent. But by then they will probably have forgotten the quote.

Beware of the "darling," something the author adores and finds meaningful, but which doesn't move the reader. In general, the axiom, "Kill your darlings," is good advice.

This is all very helpful. Thank you so much.

I have every intention of filling out the blurb with a bit more of the story and you have made it clear that I need to. So thank you for that reassurance. I just wanted to know how to introduce a character who is not the usual sort of hero. As I've written mostly historical fiction or even historical romance, this is a huge departure and I know I need to make it clear.

And I sincerely hope this unlikable character will steal your hearts. Possibly hoping for too much from this story! But maybe the reader will grow to recognize what he's been through and end up liking him a lot.

The either/or idea is taking root here! Thank you.

I know what you mean, Jay, about the reader having forgotten the apposite quotation. I do that when I'm reading! And I don't want Kindle Unlimited readers turning back to the first page (that's if Amazon is still not realizing that's what readers do and so only pay for the one last page they read, i.e. page 1).

I'm hoping the quotation will make prospective readers ponder the relevance. It's quite important because those who quick flick blurbs will likely give a low rating if they buy it. Oh help... what have I got myself into? :o)

I'm pretty certain my last paragraph has gotta go! Back to the drawing board.

You could just roll into the blurb and sort of nudge the 'unlikeable' a little bit farther so the prospective reader can sympathize. :-)

“The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.” —Mark Twain

What if you didn't know the day you were born or why? And what if not knowing made you testy and unlikeable, at least in your mind?

Meet Chester, a man who wants to know his past but is afraid to find out because the knowledge might be too much to bear. He might be a criminal who escaped from prison, or a card shark who cheated at poker. He may not be likeable but he is honest. He would have to reveal his past to the only woman he ever loved. Would she love him enough to stay? Fearing the truth, Chester hides, but when a stranger demands his help, he can no longer avoid the truth.

I'm having to put the blurb on hold at the moment while I beta read, but I hope to be back with a bigger and better one and with sufficient information revealed to you trusted folks which might be helpful!

Thanks everyone, you have helped me see a bit clearer.

What about this?

You aren’t going to like Chester; he’s not sure he likes himself. Having achieved his burning ambition to become a successful investigative reporter he is forced to hide from others who don’t like him either, in fact, they want to kill him.

Off the grid in New Zealand, his quiet life is shattered when a stranger knocks on his door and takes him to the gates of Hell and back. He holds onto his sanity through the promise of returning to the one girl he has ever loved.

You are invited into this mystery: intriguing, exciting and deadly.

“The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.” —Mark Twain
~

Any good? Also do you think I should leave out the quotation? Or should it go at the beginning?

Many, many thanks.

Really like this new version, I think you've done a great job :)

I would leave out the quotation, it doesn't add anything for me.

It's a good re-write. Yeah, the quote at the end sort of brings down the momentum.

Take the quote out of the blurb. Find a way to either incorporate into the story, or just open the story with the quote. Many other notable authors have done this.

Other suggestions for the blurb:

Change second sentence to something like: His past life as a tenacious investigative reporter forced him to exile himself because others don’t like him, either; in fact, they want to kill him.

I have a question about the 'to the gates of Hell and back' phrase. Is that meant to be taken literally (like, is this a "It's a Wonderful Life" type of reflection on the choices he's made in his life)? Or is it figurative? If figurative, I would use a phrase with more specific details the reader can relate to.

OK... I'll be good and do as I'm told and take the quotation out. It features after the end of the book - when it will make sense to readers (well, I sure do hope so). L.k., M.L. and G.R. thank you!

G.R., I can see why you suggest a slight change but it doesn't quite fit the story.

Re the phrase - I'm not telling :ol

Thank you all for your help - Immortality: This is Probably a Novel is finally published.

I ended up with one blurb for Goodreads and the other for Amazon and I might swap them around occasionally! Both have been tweaked endlessly, but you'll probably have gone through the same with your blurbs. It's taken me years to get the blurbs to my satisfaction for some of my other books.

The cover got a thumbs up, so I've left it as it is.

Once again, thank you, you really helped.

Still thinking about this and wondered: which do you prefer and please tell me why?

1.
Chester, a successful investigative reporter, is in fear of his life. He takes refuge in New Zealand, twelve thousand miles from Kate, the woman he cannot forget.
His quiet life is interrupted when a stranger knocks on his door and takes him to the world’s best kept secret – Hell. He is certain this cannot be true and looks for answers to why he is being subjected to endless mysterious occurrences. These life changing answers are a long time coming.
Powerful, moving and thought provoking.

2.
If a stranger said to you, “Let me take you to the world’s best kept secret,” would you go? Chester had no choice. He’d rather be with Kate. In fear of his life, he is hiding in a remote cabin in New Zealand, so who is this person and what is this secret? You are invited into a mystery: intriguing, exciting and deadly. “Powerful, moving and thoughtful.”
“The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.” —Mark Twain

3.
Immortality: This is Probably a Novel.
It's for you to decide, of course.
Let me warn you, you aren’t going to like Chester; he’s not sure he likes himself. Having achieved his burning ambition to become a successful investigative reporter he is forced to hide from others who also don’t like him; in fact, they want to kill him.
Living off the grid in New Zealand, his quiet life is shattered when a stranger knocks on his door and takes him to the gates of Hell and back. He holds onto his sanity through the hope of returning to the only girl he has ever loved.
You are invited into this mystery: intriguing, exciting and deadly.
I hope you will accept the invitation and tiptoe into Chester’s strange life.

No. 2 - this sentence: 'Chester had no choice. He’d rather be with Kate.' is confusing. He had no choice so he goes even though he'd rather be with Kate? Unless he wants to rescue Kate from hell and if that is the case then something needs to be added.

No. 3 - this part:' 'It's for you to decide, of course.
Let me warn you, you aren’t going to like Chester...'
Talking to the reader twice in a row is, I think, too much. I would also leave off the 'let me warn you.'

No. 1 - this is clearest.

I think the most original versions were the first and rewrite in post 13.

I looked at the cover and while the original blurb and rewrite are energetic, I think the cover is subduing. I would almost expect to find inspirational reflections a half-page long, instead of a man who is going to take a trip to hell to connect with his past. The caveat though is that I don't know tone of the story, so they may match well.

Yes the clunky bit about 'no choice' and Kate has been changed thanks to you and it now reads:

If a stranger said to you, “Let me take you to the world’s best kept secret,” would you go? Chester was not given the choice and he’d much rather be with Kate, the woman he loves and has left behind. In fear of his life, he is hiding in a remote cabin in New Zealand, so who is this person and what is this secret? You are invited into a mystery: intriguing, exciting and deadly. “Powerful, moving and thoughtful.”

So thank you M.L.

#1 or something like it, is now going on the paperback cover.

I'm glad you think post # 13 is OK. At the moment, I'm shuffling them around to see what attracts.

I see what you mean about the cover - I must mull this over. I know that by the last chapter, the cover matches extremely well but is that too late!