Fans of Eloisa James & Julia Quinn discussion

The formal part of the ceremony doesn’t take very long, and I’m distracted throughout. I want it to go more quickly – so I can get my reading over and done with – but I also want it to go more slowly, so I can have more time to practise.
When it’s my turn, I get up and stand at the front where all the other speakers have been standing. I assume this is the right spot. When I finally look up, I lock eyes with Tilly and there’s a brief moment where I think I might cry before I’ve even started.
Then I remember I am wearing The Dress. My collarbones have been dusted with shimmer powder, and I know I can do this.
Regardless, my eyes start to water as I read.

‘“Love”, by Roy Croft.’
I swallow and try to slow down my words.

‘I love you,
Not only for who you are,
But for what I am
When I am with you.’

I close my eyes, very briefly, and suddenly all I can see is Hero. I open them back up but he’s still there.

‘I love you,
Not only for what
You have made of yourself,
But for whatYou are making of me.
I love you
For the part of me
That you bring out.’

He’s sitting cross-legged on my floor, passing me Post-its.

‘I love you
For putting your hand
Into my heaped-up heart
And passing over
All the foolish, weak things
That you can’t help
Dimly seeing there,
And for drawing out
Into the light
All the beautiful belongings
That no one else had looked
Quite far enough to find.’
He’s telling me I am beautiful.

‘I love you because you
Are helping me to make
Of the lumber of my life
Not a tavern, but a temple.’

He’s walking through my door, bringing me spring rolls.

‘Out of the works
Of my every day
Not a reproach
But a song.’

He’s dancing with me, only occasionally stepping on my toes.

‘I love you
Because you have done
More than any creed
Could have done
To make me good,
And more than any fate
Could have done
To make me happy.’

He’s laughing, and I smile back.

‘You have done it
Without a touch,
Without a word,
Without a sign.
You have done it
By being yourself.’

As I reach the last lines, I struggle to read them through the tears.

‘Perhaps that is what
Being a friend means,
After all.’

When the poem is over, I don’t quite know what to do. There is no clapping or anything to signal that I’m done, so I look up. It seems strange to see that nobody else appears to have been quite so affected. Until I spot Tilly. She’s crying too.
I hover for a while on the spot before walking back to my seat, accidentally taking the long way round.
How is everyone remaining so still? I can barely stop trembling. I need to move.
I sneak a glance at Tilly. She’s looking right back at me.
She’s mouthing something to me … Are you OK?
Yes. I nod back.
But I need to leave.
I sit up straighter. Beyond straight. My butt is poking out behind me and my chest is forward, ready to go.
Tilly is still looking at me. I gesture towards the door, and try to mouth back. I have to go. I’m sorry.
She nods and waves me off with her hand and smiles. I know that she knows it must be important.
And it is important.
I leave as quietly as I can, fully aware that this is not very quiet at all.
I have a flashback to Tilly’s hen party and breaking free from the line for the loo.
I need to tell Hero how I feel.
But this time I’ll find the words.

*******************************************************

‘Hero, I need to tell you something.’
Fuck. The words came out and I wasn’t really wanting them to, but I needed to do something.
And I should keep speaking. Hero is looking at me. Waiting for me.
But now, of course, my words aren’t coming.
What is wrong with me? When I want to talk I can’t, but when I don’t want to talk I do.
I take a deep breath.
‘I know you’re going to Australia, and I don’t want you not to go, but I don’t want you to go without me telling you something. I can’t leave anything unsaid, and I don’t want you to leave with this weird silence between us.’
He makes a noise and I stop him from talking with the universal hand gesture that says ‘I’m not done’.
‘I have two key points to tell you.’ But now I can’t remember them. I just know I had them. I’ve started pacing back and forth like I’m trying to get my daily step count in. ‘I went to your house earlier this evening. Well, not your house, your parents’ house.’ Why is the ownership of the house so important? This isn’t one of my points. ‘In case your mum mentions it.’
‘I went to Tilly’s wedding.’
I stop and turn to face him.
‘You went to Tilly’s wedding? Why?’
‘To speak to you.’ He’s so still that I start pacing again. ‘Why did you go to my house?’
Yes, B, why? Why did you go to his house? Tell him. Just tell him. And for goodness’ sake, stop sweating.
I hang my head. ‘Ugh, I wish I’d kept the dress on.’ The dress would have given me confidence.
‘What?’
‘Never mind.’
Poor Hero is looking so confused.
‘Hero, I’m so sorry. The last time I saw you, well, in truth it wasn’t the last last time I saw you, but when I came over to your flat after Tilly’s hen party, I shouldn’t have. I acted like a total fool and guilted you into having sex with me. I’m so sorry. That is not at all how I wanted sex between us to go down. It’s not how I wanted anything between us to go down.’
He doesn’t look any less confused.
‘So, yes,’ I breathe, ‘I’m sorry about the sex. Well, actually I’m not sorry that we had sex, but you pushed me away and I should have left it at that. I’m also sorry that I brought over the burritos.’ That was an unnecessary addition to the apology – why did I say that? ‘Basically, the first thing I need you to know is that – I am not a perfect person. I can be grumpy and quiet. I can be sad and moody. I don’t do the things that I should do. And the things I do, I tend to do quite badly, which is not my intention, it just comes naturally. And I’m sorry if any of my recent actions have hurt you.’
‘Are you done?’
‘No.’ This is going very badly. I look at him. I really do like him. Seeing his face makes me happy. ‘Well, point two is … I like you, and I wanted you to know. You don’t need to say anything.’ I really hope he says something. ‘So if things have been weird between us, and they have, it’s because, well, I like you, and I didn’t know how to tell you. So instead I slept with you, and then avoided you, which only made it worse.’ I finally stop pacing.
‘Are you done now?’
‘Yes.’ I shake my head and then realize that’s the wrong gesture. I nod once.
And then I point my finger into the air.
‘Oh actually, no, I have one more thing!’ I realize my hand is still up, so I slowly put it down. ‘I, erm, I realize that this is a lot. And I’ve also kind of taken your recent silence and general avoidance of me as a sign that you probably don’t know what to say, or don’t want to hurt my feelings. And that’s totally fine. Like I said, you don’t need to say anything. But I wanted you to know how I felt. There is no pressure for you to feel the same. You do you.’
‘Right.’ His hands are on his hips. Like an off-duty superhero. ‘So I think I should clarify some points.’ He’s using a business-like tone. I wonder what that means. I don’t think it can mean anything good.
I wish he’d say nothing and leave, rather than tell me he wants to stay friends.
‘Firstly, I’m not going to Australia. I turned it down. Al’s going instead.’
Fuck bloody balls. This is going to make hiding a lot harder.
‘Secondly, I wasn’t avoiding you. Well, I was to start with because I didn’t know what to say. And then I was accidentally avoiding you because I had to go to Australia to smooth over the fact I was no longer going to Australia. It was very last minute and I forgot my phone and it was an extremely busy couple of weeks. For that I apologize, but what I have to say I need to say in person anyway. And then when I got back I tried to get hold of you. I’ve been going round to your apartment so much that the old lady next door threatened to call the police if I came by again. I came to your work, I even tried to hunt you down at a Christmas fair, but you weren’t there either.’
‘I was actually.’
‘You were?’
‘I was dressed up as Rudolph. I think I speared you with an antler.’
‘Why didn’t you say hello?’
So many reasons.
I shrug. ‘I couldn’t talk, I could barely even move.’
‘I suppose it did look quite cumbersome.’ He smiles faintly, but it fades really quickly.
‘B, we didn’t have sex that night at mine.’ What? Thank God. I think?
‘I didn’t want to sleep with you, I’m not really into taking advantage of inebriated women. You passed out as soon as you lay down in bed, and then you snored all night. It was helpful to know that you were still breathing, but we’ll need to talk about the snoring.’
I snored? I blame the tequila. Oh God, he didn’t want to sleep with me?
I can’t help but interrupt him. ‘So, that night … I know you pushed me away, but would you ever want to have sex with me?’ He is so silent and so still. I really wish I’d made a joke instead.
His face takes on a serious edge. He shifts a bit in his stance, and starts talking really slowly, pronouncing each word very carefully.
‘B, that night, yes, I pushed you away because I didn’t want to have sex with you.’
Oh.
‘So you don’t want to have sex with me?’
‘B, please, shut up.’ I close my mouth and wait. ‘I do want to have sex with you, but I didn’t want to have sex with you that night. I have wanted to have sex with you for years. I wasn’t going to waste our first time on a drunken fumble. I have plans. I am a man and I have plans, B.’
This makes me blush.
‘I was so happy to wake up next to you that Sunday morning. I was so happy until I came back with breakfast only to see that you’d run away. B, you have to stop running away.’
He steps towards me. Part of me really wants to run.
‘B, you have to know that all I have ever wanted is to be in your life. It’s up to you to decide how much. But for the record, I want it all.
‘I want to wake up next to you after you’ve been snoring all night. I want to eat bread that’s gone stale because you haven’t resealed it properly. I want to buy flat-pack furniture and let you build it. I want to get lost trying to follow your thought processes. I want to have fights with you. I want to have make-up sex with you. I want to make a family with you – dogs or children, or both. Whatever you want. I just want you.’
I might be smiling but I’m so numb I really can’t tell.
‘It’s up to you. It always has been. I’ll always be here for you because I love you.’
That is a horrible decision on his part.
And I have never been so happy.
I find myself tentatively reaching for him until we’re close enough that I swear I can feel his body against mine, even though I know we’re not actually touching.
And just like when my words have a habit of failing me right when I need them most, I freeze when I should really keep moving.
But in the end, it doesn’t matter because Hero keeps moving.
He moves one hand to my waist, and one hand to my cheek.
He moves me gently, but firmly, towards him.
And finally, finally, he leans down to kiss me.
I am vaguely aware of meeting him halfway, but I’m mainly aware that the kiss is (eyebrows raised) good.
I smile at my own stupid internal thoughts and accidentally break the kiss sooner than I would have liked.
‘B? Everything all right?’
‘You know I’m probably going to fuck this up, don’t you?’
He nods. ‘Yes.’
OK.

I definitely haven’t read this. But I already like hero

I don't know it but I definitely want to. :-)

oooh I don't recognise it but it sounds so good!

Ah poetry always does the trick. Hero and Heroine certainly trip over each other. I have not read it but will put it in my list.

A tribute to awkward girls everywhere! Love this.

I know it! She's so witty and kind and he's awkward and sweet. It was a good read and I loved the HEA.

that poem was beautiful. and I loved the exchange between them. looks like another for the tbr list!

This weeks Monday Puzzler is: Just Friends by Holy McCulloch.