Goodreads Authors/Readers discussion
Fantasy
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Help with the blurb
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I assume the two versions are under the highlighted title. I prefer the first one. Gives some character insights and some internal struggles.
I like #2 more, but maybe you could try a different beginning? There are some grand things happening in your blurb, so 'talking' just doesn't seem to fit in with them :). You could try to replace it with a line about the danger he's in if he can't convince his commanders about his loyalty. Good luck!
I definitely prefer the brevity of the second version. Agree with Alina above - talking isn't what commanders generally (excuse pun) do! I think the first blurb was a bit complicated - readers want a brief over view of the situation when they pick a book up, and as Gordon said, a hook won't come amiss at all! Remember as well that the blurb has to do a lot of work - it isn't just on the back of the book, it'll be on your book description for Kindle etc. as well.
I like the way you've gone in a circle, starting about how his people have rebelled, and ending with Aldeaith as their lone representative.
I haven't ever seen a bold headline for a blurb before - but maybe I've led a sheltered life? It would be something to check out, and go with the flow, I think.
I had a blurb written for my new novel, but can I find it? No, I've had to write a new one...what a pain! ;)
I prefer #1. I agree with Alina that ‘talking’ is perhaps not the best phrasing in #2. But #1 also gives just a little more detail on setting, context and character.
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I would use the last part of number 1, starting with "my work". It could be tweaked a bit, but it lays out the drama and keeps it short.
Thanks for the insight!With the first line of the second blurb I was trying to hint at my MC's social anxiety (and general social ineptitude) that may not be the root, but definitely serve to exacerbate all of his problems throughout the story. Maybe I should make it more clear in the rest of the blurb that this is an important part?
The logline is not the blurb but it's similar and the information here might help you.The Logline or HOOK is the first thing an agent or publisher will read. Here are tips to making the most of those first few words.
The PDF:
http://www.scottcoonscifi.com/OnWriti...
The video:
https://youtu.be/gdpto1Owcfc
I hope you find this helpful. :^)
Natalie wrote: "Thanks for the insight!With the first line of the second blurb I was trying to hint at my MC's social anxiety (and general social ineptitude) that may not be the root, but definitely serve to exac..."
I don't think his social anxiety needs to be mentioned in the blurb, I'd say it's the kind of thing that the reader will discover while reading the book, so I'd stick with the more important stuff.
Hmm, but the anxiety is a pretty important part of his character. All the blurb-writing aids I read so far advised me to write what makes my protagonist unique and for Aldeaith it's how painfully uncool he is (at least compared to typical fantasy protagonists).
Natalie wrote: "Hmm, but the anxiety is a pretty important part of his character. All the blurb-writing aids I read so far advised me to write what makes my protagonist unique and for Aldeaith it's how painfully u..."I like the description 'painfully uncool' :D Well, it's up to you, it was just my opinion, so I might be wrong.
Number 2. The brevity is better. Too much detail in number one, but more sensationalism could be added to number 2.
Keep in mind, both are WIP. All suggestions welcomed.
* * *
Dahlsian Empire has never needed an army. Until now.
Since the sorcerers from Dahls opened the gate to Meon Cluster, people from all around the universe flocked to the newly discovered worlds, to settle and prosper. The land was plentiful and Dahlsian domination benign.
But for some people that was not enough.
Three days ago a group of Tarvissian renegades proclaimed the colony on Maurir independent. In retaliation, the Dahlsian government decreed deportation of all citizens of Tarvissian origin.
All except me.
My work for Mespana, the closes thing to the military in Dahls, has granted me immunity. But my family has been rounded up and sent to Tarviss, right into the arms of the lords whose oppression they fled before I was born. A part of me wants to go after them, to get them to safety. But I know I have nowhere to take them to, as long as the rebellion rages. We need to put an end to it, before other colonies follow suit and the Empire we swore to protect falls apart.
But before the fighting even begins, I may have to face my greatest challenge.
Convincing my commanders about my loyalty.
* * *
Fighting people is easy. It’s talking that terrifies Aldeaith.
But that’s exactly what he’ll have to do if he wants to convince his commanders about his loyalty. When Tarvissian colonists rise against the Dahlsian rule and in retaliation, the Empire calls for the deportation of all of their compatriots, he is the last one of his nation left. His work for Mespana, the closest thing to a military in Dahls, granted him immunity, but the safety can only last so long.
Among growing anti-Tarvissian sentiments, internal conflicts, and uncontrollable magic, he soon realizes he might be gone before the true fighting even begins – and with him, the only hope for restoring peace and getting his people back to safety.