Goodreads Authors/Readers discussion

How often have you found, when it comes to editing a manuscript, that it's the sentence you treasure most that becomes the one that has to go?

A correspondent made the point in our recent discussion ‘Cut, Cut, Cut’. While I recognised its validity at the time, thinking of examples from my own career, I suddenly found myself confronted with the dilemma again. And really it's the hardest cut of all.

I've been cutting back 'For Love of Country' by about 10 per cent from its initial draft of 145,000 words. Going well, until I came to the opening lines of one of the later chapters. It concerns a mother waiting for news of her son who has been posted as ‘missing’ with Bomber Command during WW2. Is he dead or still alive? This whole section is seen largely from her point of view, and it began this way:

"Winter came. Still no chilling word of Tom: but rather, into the cold, dark silences crept those midnight doubts and subversions that haunt even the most determined remnants of belief."

I responded deeply to the passage when I wrote it six months ago. It seemed to take us at once into the psychology of the situation, and set up a continuing metaphor of those nightly fears and visitations. Yet when it came to the editing, I realised it really was a bit overdone. Too wordy. Too repetitious. And given that I had to cut words I reduced it to this:

"Winter came. Still no chilling word of Tom: but rather, into the cold, dark silences crept those midnight doubts that subvert even the most determined remnants of belief."

It was a wrench, but I think you'll agree it's better. Tighter. More direct, though doubtless it can still be improved upon. But I've left it that way for the present, and I've sent this second draft off to my editor, Suzanne, for a first read – always a nerve-wracking time.

The draft has come in at 126,000 words – well within the contract limits, giving room for some endnotes, acknowledgments and references. And part of me is secretly hoping there’ll be space enough to revert to that original chapter opening, even though I know that I shouldn’t … and I won't...

Anthony,

The revised sentence is a definite improvement. The conversion of the noun subversions to the verb subvert and the elimination of the verb haunt delivers the desired emotional impact more succinctly and effectively.

Thanks for that Jim. Glad to know you felt the same about the revised sentence as I did.