SCAREDY CAT discussion
Fun and Games
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JOKES
What do you call a grizzly bear with no teeth?A gummy bear!
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What stays out all night on St. Patty's Day?
Patty O' Furniture..
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The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"
Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"
Confused, the bartender says no.
"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"
Eric wrote: "I told my friends I had a date with a really attractive girl. They told me that she was imaginary, but the jokes on them because so are they."
LOL
If boxers are so macho and tough, why do they fight over a purse and a belt?
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lol, that's a great one!
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The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."
The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens."
The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
The jokes in this thread are truly hilarious, thanks to everyone for sharing!
Sign on the restroom wall of an English pub in 1943. "In case of air raid get under toilet. No one ever hits it!"
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;)
A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat."No!" yells the blonde.
Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.
"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?"
The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"
Aileen wrote: "An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I..."LMAO
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Confused, the bartender says no.
"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"
"
HAHAHAHA!
Every joke I know seems to be too raunchy to tell to the group, so I will add a rather lame riddle.You are invited to a party. Upon your arrival you notice everyone is nude and no one is speaking a word. Adam and Eve are at this party ( yes that Adam & Eve.) How do pick Adam & Eve out of the crowd from the other guests?
Sunday I went to church first time in a while, the lady sitting in front of me slapped me twice. We stood up to sing Leaning on the Everlasting Arms. I noticed that her dress was stuck in her butt, so I reached & pulled it out. She turned around & slapped me. I guess she liked it stuck there so I poked it back in. She slapped me again....You just can't win.
Robert wrote: "Every joke I know seems to be too raunchy to tell to the group, so I will add a rather lame riddle.You are invited to a party. Upon your arrival you notice everyone is nude and no one is speaking..."
The fig leaves. LOL
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 76). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, Orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at her.
The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time..
When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked:
"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not Choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!
In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ....
"Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if You might be my kid."
Fig leaves? Wrong answer Carolyn. Try again!
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Urrrrrghhh! Sound of a buzzer. Wrong, try again!
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Yes, the correct answer was they do not have belly buttons.
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I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had..."
OMG...LMAO!
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The auditor says, ”Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
“I’m a great gambler and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “Okay. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
The auditor can tell Grandpa is not blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there is no way this old guy can possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants. Although he strains mightily, he cannot make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and you’d be happy about it."
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An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down, and one lands in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.
The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs and takes a long swallow.
The Irishman reaches into the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"
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After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, “Have I got all you say there?”
The agent said, Certainly ye have…Why do you ask?
Murphy replied, cancel the sale, the place sounds grand to me
A guy tries a new approach to meet women.He walks into a bar and notices a good looking blond seated at the bar.
He sits a couple of stools down, turns to her and says "the names Bond, James Bond."
She looks at him and replies. "Off, f**k off."
Eric wrote: "The IRS decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Grandpa shows up with his attorney. The auditor says, ”Well, sir, you have an extravagant..."
Lol!!
A man is driving along a highway when a rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry, but his blonde girlfriend taps him on the shoulder and tell him not to worry. Pulling a spray can out of her bag, she walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny , bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.
The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again.
He hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He turns to the woman.
"What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says:-
"Hair Spray, restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
Happy Easter!!! GROOOOOOOAAAAAAAAN
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The driver pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easte..."
HEE HEE HEE, thanks for the smile
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Who’s there?
Esther
Esther who?
Esther Bunny
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Stella.
Stella who?
Stella nother Esther bunny
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad there are no more esther bunnies?
HAR HAR HAR
;) Happy Easter everyone!
-please keep it clean. ;)
I was on my way to work when suddenly
I rear ended a car the driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said
"I am NOT Happy!"
So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
That's how the fight started.