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Here is my first trial blurb - please show me the weak spots.

A sequel to Spoliation. Two years previously the freighter Elysium en route to Mars was attacked by pirates, but since then the criminal organization known as The Board had remained inactive. Acting Commodore Jonas Stryker was now given command of the Space Corps warships and ordered to make a search for the pirates’ base. In the first space battle, Stryker learned that half his ships were fighting for The Board, whose goal, it seemed, was the overthrow of the Federation Government. While the Space Corps’ ships were refitted, the investigation continued on Earth. How could a bunch of rebels maintain a superior military, in terms of ships, than the Federation? There were now two objectives: find the rebel ships and capture them, even if the Space Corps were outnumbered, and to root out the rot on Earth. A tale of investigation, greed, corruption and honour, set in the inner solar system and on Earth, with murder, space battles, and the science of asteroids.

Ian wrote: "Here is my first trial blurb - please show me the weak spots.

A sequel to Spoliation. Two years previously the freighter Elysium en route to Mars was attacked by pirates, but since then the crimin..."

Congrats on a new book Ian!

The blurb is very informative but lacking in any kind of hook. There's nothing that screams this is a book that I need to read. If I were you, I'd shorten and try to find a cliffhanger to grab interest.

Two years previously the freighter Elysium en route to Mars was attacked by pirates, but since then the criminal organization known as The Board had remained inactive.

Written to be accurate, informative, and factual. Just what we expect from a working engineer. And were this a report, it would be perfect. But it’s not. I know, that because I was a working logic designer when I turned to fiction, and matched your approach...as I did the writing methodology within your novels.

But... Does it matter what the name of a ship that’s gone is? No. Do we need seven words to tell us the name of the pirate group? Do we even need their name? If information is the goal of the blurb? Sure. If excitement? Hell no. Every unnecessary word slows the act of reading and dilutes impact.

And in any case, a few lines later they’re rebels, not pirates.

Rearranging and trimming yields:
- - - - -
Two years ago a freighter headed for Mars vanished, presumably the work of the pirate group, “The Board.”
- - - - -

Acting Commodore Jonas Stryker was now given command of the Space Corps warships and ordered to make a search for the pirates’ base.

Pedantic in approach. Given we don’t know what the duties of a Commodore are, or why he’s only acting as one, who cares? He’s in command. That matters. And again, they’re called pirates, while two sentences later they’re rebels.

And... “was now?” Seriously? 😄 In general, a blurb is in the story’s present. Perhaps something like:

- - - - -
Now, Jonas Stryker is in command of the fleet that’s seeking the pirate base.
- - - - -

Never forget that the objective of the blurb is to excite, not inform. We don’t present the plot, we give the reader a desire to go and read the opening pages, where our writing will hook them.

Which brings me to the point of this: You didn’t ask for reaction to your writing, so I’ll not comment on that, other than to say that the approach, there, pretty much mirrors the writing of the blurb, and is a reflection of the careful attention to detail that your profession demands.

But, is it the approach of the Commercial Fiction Writing profession? E. L. Doctorow put it perfectly with, “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.” But using the nonfiction tools of the engineering profession, we supply the weather report.

To better understand what I mean, search for Randy Ingermanson’s, Advanced Fiction Writing, article titled, Writing the Perfect Scene. It’s a condensation of two extremely powerful ways of drawing the reader into the story in real-time, as against reading a transcription of someone providing the story events, secondhand.

It’s taken from Dwight Swain’s, Techniques of the Selling Writer. And if the article has you saying, “How in the hell did I not see this, myself?” as I think it will, the book has come out of copyright, and so is free on archive sites. Do a search on the title, with the added word, “archive.”

That book was the one that got me my first yes from a publisher, after wasting years writing six, many times queried but never sold, novels.

Thanks, Eldon and Jay. Leaving aside the thought of writing a different book, I feel I have this now, and, well, here it is.

A second attempt at the blurb.

Since no city can survive a well-directed asteroid strike, he who controls space has great power on Earth. One such strike had previously been initiated by a criminal organization known on Earth as The Board, but it had been thwarted. Now, to prevent such future possibilities, a fleet comprising all Space Corps warships under the command of Acting Commodore Jonas Stryker was ordered to seek and destroy the criminals’ base. In the depths of space, almost half his fleet turned on the other half, and suddenly the Space Corps had one undamaged warship, and four badly in need of repair. Even when his ships were repaired, Stryker would be outnumbered two to one, and the corporations had voted for financial reasons to prevent the Space Corps from building more ships.
While the Space Corps’ ships are being repaired, The Board members on Earth who supply the rebels must be identified, arrested, and their base located. A tale of investigation, greed, corruption and honour, set in the inner solar system and on Earth, with murder, space battles, and the science of asteroids.
A sequel to Spoliation.

Fact #1: Since no city can survive a well-directed asteroid strike, he who controls space has great power on Earth.

Fact #2: One such strike had previously been initiated by a criminal organization known on Earth as The Board, but it had been thwarted.

Fact #3: Now, to prevent such future possibilities, a fleet comprising all Space Corps warships under the command of Acting Commodore Jonas Stryker was ordered to seek and destroy the criminals’ base.

Fact #4: In the depths of space, almost half his fleet turned on the other half, and suddenly the Space Corps had one undamaged warship, and four badly in need of repair.

Fact #5: ...

You’re still writing a report. Your goal, your only goal, is to make the reader want to turn to page 1 and begin reading. And just as when writing the novel, we must use emotion-based, not fact-based, writing.

At the moment, you the narrator, are talking to the reader, and feeding them information. But think of the voice-over for the theatrical trailer for the novel. It focuses on the problem, why our protagonist is the one who must solve it, what the consequences are if s/he fails, and perhaps, the reason it must be done at once.

Take a look at the Query Shark website. There are lots of examples and lessons on what works and why.

But just as in the novel, Sol Stein’s advice applies: “In sum, if you want to improve your chances of publication, keep your story visible on stage and yourself mum.”

Hmmm, I thought setting the stage might be helpful, and people would see the hook there.

Anyway, a third attempt:

Acting Commodore Jonas Stryker’s first command was a fleet comprising all nine Space Corps ships. The orders were simple: find the rebel base and destroy it. No problem. That “Acting” should soon be gone.
Except now he watched in horror as his left flank appeared to be making an attacking run on his central ships. As missiles flew he soon found he had one undamaged ship left, and even if all remaining loyal ships could be repaired, the rebels would outnumber the remaining ships two to one. Now what?
The rebels had to be supplied from Earth, and these suppliers and the location of the rebel base must be identified, but where to start? A tale of investigation, greed, corruption and honour, set in the inner solar system and on Earth, with murder, space battles, and the science of asteroids.
A sequel to Spoliation.