Addicted to YA discussion

Honestly? This has so much potential. The emotion in the opening hit hard, and the world you're building already feels layered and real. It doesn't sound childish at all—it reads like a solid start to a YA dystopian/fantasy story. Keep going!

ella wrote: "@harper 11th grade was in creative writing it was butt hole I couldn't even write a short story big oof. also how does one even become published"

oh that's sad have you tried writing like rlly short stories? bc some books have a lot of rlly short stories in them

⋆｡˚ ✩ E l l i a n a⋆｡˚ ✩ wrote: "i selfe published i made myown publisher "axia publishing""

ooo that's rlly cool!!

Eralith wrote: "Honestly? This has so much potential. The emotion in the opening hit hard, and the world you're building already feels layered and real. It doesn't sound childish at all—it reads like a solid start..."

omg tysm!! thx for the feedback!

hey ya'll it's been a while but i'm updating the updated version of chapter 1! pls tell me if it's good or if the previous version was better. i'm also going to post chapter 2 so it can kind of fit better together? if you know what i'm saying. anyways let's get to it:
One
Griffith

“Mama! Papa! Please don’t leave me!” I burst into tears. I shake my head, not believing anything. My parents lie on the ground, blood splattered all over their clothing with a piercing hole through where their hearts were. I grasp their hands while my tears drop onto them. Their eyes are cold and white, their heads lolled to the side. “Please…” I collapsed onto them, still crying.
I suddenly jolted out of my sleep, sweat drenching my plain, dirt smeared shirt and my rough, cardboard bed. Great. My thin blanket is now soaked and stinky—not like it was ever clean. My eyelids droop, but I force them open. A headache crashes into my temples like a thunderstorm as I crawl out of bed. Sweat runs down my bare back as I strip my wet shirt off. I use a ragged towel to wipe the warm droplets off my skin. I then grab my only other pair of wrinkly clothes that are bunched up in a trash bag, and change into them. I grab a cracked mirror I found in the dump and check myself. My deep, aqua blue eyes pierce into the mirror as my curly, walnut brown hair falls down onto my forehead, just above my eyebrows. I left my wet clothes hanging, so they could dry. I then put on my muddy, worn out shoes and get out of my crappy tent.
I take my usual seat outside my tent and put a red plastic cup in front of me, along with a sign that says, “Please donate. I lost my parents and I need money to support myself. Thank you!” I don’t really know why there’s a ‘thank you’ part because I can’t say thank you to crap. The only donation I’ve got this week was a rusty copper ruhe. How am I supposed to live off a copper ruhe?
I lost my parents when I was only six years old. I’m now seventeen, surviving by myself on the streets. I don’t clearly remember what happened, except for when vivid dreams reveal more and more. All I know is that their hearts were pierced and I cried so much that I collapsed on top of them. Whoever murdered my parents must die for making me suffer. Losing parents is one of the worst things that could happen to you when you’re a child.
The street stinks and rats roam around. There isn’t a single tree in sight, not even a bit of green life in this part of Ahki, the city I live in. It’s all buildings, all made by Creos, individuals who have the ability to create anything they want. There’s obviously limits by law and by strength. If I could create anything I wanted, I would be living a good life, not sitting on the streets, begging for just one ruhe.
Since nobody wants to donate, I decided to visit some friends. I walk over to another abandoned place, where other homeless people live. As I pass different tents, people greet me. I’m pretty well known around here since I come by almost every day.
“Good mornin’ Griff, how are ya?” asks Amos, an elderly friend of mine, as he sits on the cold pavement. I settle next to him. People can’t even treat old men the right way. His gray beard is withering day by day and I don’t think he’ll ever have a good day again. All of these people in this abandoned neighborhood are homeless and poor for different reasons.
“Good morning Amos. I’m doing alright.” I force a tight smile and then release a sigh when he looks at me, unconvinced. “Fine, I’m doing the same as everyday.” Which also means the same thing as ‘I’m doing terrible’.
“Why don’t you cheer up?” Someone asks behind me. I turn around to see Archie, a nine year old and the grandson of Amos. He looks happy today which must have meant he got a good donation. Children tend to get better donations, since they ‘need it more’ than adults do. Which is technically true, but that doesn’t mean they can just give us adults nothing. It’s also probably because they look cuter and more innocent.
“How much?” I ignore Archie’s question. He immediately knows what I’m talking about and grabs three silver coins from his ragged pocket.
“Three silver ruhes.” he smirks as my mouth gapes. Three whole silver ruhes. Darn, that’s a lot. I know that doesn’t sound like a lot, but as a homeless boy, that’s like a lottery. I know better than to snatch those gleaming coins, so I keep my butt planted in the ground.
It’s like he knows I want to grab them so bad, so he pockets them once again. “What are you going to do with that kind of money?” I ask, still gaping, and obviously knowing the answer. The priority is always food and then clothes.
“Food and clothes. Duh.” he says, rolling his eyes. I ignore him and get up from the ground, wiping the dust and dirt off my pants—even though my pants are always dirty.
“See ya guys later.” I walk away, still processing the thought that a nine year old got three whole, shining silver ruhes.
“See you!” Amos calls.
I reach into my pocket, grabbing the one copper ruhe I got this week. I take it out and look at it. It’s not even gleaming like Archie’s. It’s rusty and dirty all over. I want to chuck it down the street, but I’m not trying to lose my life here. So I put it back in my pocket and deal with what I have.
There’s nothing else to do so I head back to my tent. I put my sign and cup back outside and sat. An ordinary man walks over to me and I get excited. He’s holding one gold ruhe. No way. Then, he stops in front of me and holds out the ruhe.
“Do you want this?” he says. Well, of course I do. So I nod my head and look at him expectantly. “Well too bad.” And just like that, as if a gold ruhe was worth nothing, he threw it down a nearby drain. I scramble over to the drain, trying to grasp the coin. I look at him with a face that says ‘Why did you do that?’ and all he does is laugh at me, watching me trying to grab a single coin. He just threw a perfect gold ruhe. Gold… I scream into my arms and lay there for the rest of the day.
✦ ✦ ✦
A cold needle pierces my cheek and I wake up from a terrible slumber. No, not a cold needle, but a rain droplet. It starts with a few, heavy drops and a clap of thunder. With that electrifying sound, I scramble back inside my tent, cowering. I bundle up in my paper-thin blanket and try to wait out the storm. Faster droplets crash into the thin, orange fabric roof. I just hope it doesn’t leak. Water starts seeping in through the tiny cracks anyways. I don’t want to be soaked with freezing water. The bright orange dulls into a darker color as it absorbs water. I’m suddenly afraid that my only shelter will collapse on me and leave me to soak in the relentless rain. I look up and I see a big puddle that has started to form on the top of the tent. The pointed top is now drooping inward and it looks like it would explode if I lay a single finger on it. Even though my bed is only cardboard, I don’t want it to become wet cardboard so I try poking the already forming puddle on top. I push upward, and the water splashes down the sides of the tent. I sigh in relief and I stay still through the next hour.
It’s still raining heavily, but I think I’m safe now. It’s either this always devastating natural weather, or Tempests are practicing their raining abilities. Another clap of thunder splits through the air and I shudder. Saevios too, probably. Tempests and Saevios work together really well, especially when they’re practicing thunderstorms.
The drip drop sound of the rain tingles in my ears as they drop into nearby forming puddles. I unzip the tent just the slightest amount to let some fresh air in. The smell of rain is so refreshing to my lungs. I peek through the sliver and find the streets empty and soaked. In the distance, I see faint, glowing lamp posts, making the nearby raindrops shimmer a golden yellow. I then check the nearby, rusty clock that’s perched up by a magic shop. 4:00 I layed there for five hours. Well, there’s my daily nap then.
Just before I lay down to relax again, I catch a glimpse of a girl passing by. She looks mysterious, like she’s trying to hide herself. Her navy blue cloak flutters in the gentle wind as she continues down the sidewalk. She turns, and catches me gazing. We make eye contact and she blushes. Her beautiful chestnut hair glimmers in the rain and I can’t help myself but gawk at her. Deep, emerald eyes penetrate into mine before her swift movements hide her features. She walks into the magic store with the clock I used earlier and I snap back into reality once again.
Who? Is all I could ask myself before falling onto the cardboard bed and gazing at the roof of the tent before blushing furiously. I shake my head. I’m probably never going to see her again anyway—no point in getting obsessed. I slap my face gently before fantasizing about her once again.
Snap. Out. Of. It. I might as well get myself out of this dreamy world by stepping outside into the rain.
I then see her get kindly shoved out of the store by a muscular boy. He looks around the age of seventeen. Basically my age. His features are soft but defined; high cheekbones and a jawline that seems too perfect. I touch my face just thinking about him. My features are anything but perfect. I probably look like an ugly homeless boy. Maybe because I am.
Is she getting kicked out of the store?
I’m guessing that the boy is trying to hide something from her because she’s suspicious. She pressed her ear against the glass and tried to listen. Then, she had to move around the corner from getting caught. The boy opens the door once again and tells the shopkeeper something. He looks around one more time and locks eye contact with me. I pull away from his stare and wait until I think he’s gone back inside.
When he has, I see the girl come back around. She looks in my direction and walks over. Shoot. I zip the tent back up and play ‘normal’ like I wasn’t just staring at the whole scene that just happened. She taps the top of the tent and I flinch.
this is chapter 1 and i'll post chapter 2 right after (chapter 2 is NOT finished YET)

chapter 2:
Two
Callista

As I walk through the magic shop, I can’t stop thinking about that poor boy. Our short interaction—well eye contact—was a bit awkward. He’s attractive, but I can’t get distracted by attractive boys at the moment.
I pass by different powders, robes, and magic-starters. Beginner summoners can’t just spawn magic out of nowhere. They have to have a magic-starter to allow them to grow and wield it. Once they can just grab it out of the natural world, they don’t need one anymore because they’re more skillful. I don’t need one since I’m an Imperium. All I have to do is use my mind power to move things.
The fresh scent of newly painted walls fill the room. I come here daily, so I know where things are. I walk over to grab a small jar of truncusroot. I pluck out the small cork and take a big whiff of it. It smells greatly of cinnamon and trees. The deep brown color swirls as I inhale it. It’s used for healing inner wounds. I put the cork back on and put it in my satchel. I then grab a small patch of boletus mushrooms and grab an empty jar. I fill the jar up with lutum soil, a special soil that helps fungi grow, and pluck the boletus from the patch I grabbed. I put a few in the jar, and spray them with humid water.
That’s all I need for today. I tell myself as I also put the mushrooms in my satchel. I walk up to the front desk where I find Eldrin, the shopkeeper, and Avner, an annoyingly teasing friend, having a conversation. I’m not sure if I want to interrupt their little chat, but Avner notices me anyway. Their conversation freezes and they turn to look at me.
“Aye! It’s my favorite friend.” he says with a smirk.
“Oh, please Avner.” I say, rolling my eyes.
“I mean it! How’s your day? I mean it must be devastating after that meeting you had with the noble houses.” Right. I almost forgot about that meeting. That was probably the most boring meeting I’ve ever gone to. I didn’t even contribute to the conversation. I just sat there with my head high, listening to whatever defenses they were planning.
“It was really boring. I wish you were there to see how tedious it was.” I say, fiddling with my deep blue cloak. I completely forgot that Eldrin was standing there. I turned to him. “Oh sorry, Eldrin. Did I interrupt an important conversation?”
“You're all good Callista. What are you buying today?” he asks.
I pull out the jars of truncusroot and boletus mushrooms. “Just these today.” I pull out my money bag.
“Oh no, no. You're not paying for this Callista. I got it,” Avner insists. I frown, my eyes narrowing.
“What’s up with you today?” I shrug it off and allow him to pay for it. “But, thanks.” Then to Eldrin, “See you next time Eldrin!”
Avner grabs out two silver ruhes and tosses them onto the table. “I’ll see you around Callista.”
“You don’t want to hang out or something? We normally go on a walk together.”
“Nah, not today. I’m a bit busy with something important requested by the King.”
Oh, Avner never gets requests from the King. Maybe he’s getting promoted? “Oh…” I try to hide my disappointment but I fail miserably.
“Oh, cheer up! I’ll find you later alright?” He nudges me softly towards the door and I step out.
“Bye—” I start to say but he closes the door a little too quickly. My confusion quickly becomes suspicion. I don’t mean to eavesdrop, but I feel like he’s keeping a secret from me. I used my mind to slightly move the blinds so I could see inside. Avner’s usual smirk is replaced by something serious. I press my ear against the cold, wet glass and try to listen for key words.
“We can’t let her—” That’s all I hear before I think there are footsteps coming towards the door. Have they noticed me? I turn swiftly around a corner right as the door opens.
“Who’s there?” Avner asks in a tone I’ve never heard before. “Someone might be watching us. Can you seal this shop?” he says to Eldrin most likely.
“Of course.” I have the sense that Eldrin is supposed to obey Avner for some reason. I suddenly feel an invisible bubble around the shop. Great. I’m about to go tell Father about this when I suddenly spot the same poor boy.
I should probably donate something to him. Since I didn’t use my money for the day, I should probably donate. I grab my money bag and I start walking towards his tent.
“Hello?” I ask, as I pat the side of the orange tent. I hear a shuffling sound and then I see the opening of the tent slowly unzip. The boy's head peeks out and he immediately blushes. He turns away from me and I think he’s trying to calm himself. When he turns back around, he has a serious face on but it fails after one second. He looks down instead.
“Uhm, ma’am? Is there something wrong?” he mumbles while playing with a small pebble on the ground.
today i'm just working on making chapter 1 and 2 longer and maybe starting chapter 3!! I need ya'lls opinion on these first tho so ty in advance!!!

some good concepts for sure, but they don’t feel like they are flowing together… imo, there needs to be some transitions between thoughts/scenes, etc. otherwise it feels so rushed!

with writing books, i’d advise to take your time really forming the world and the characters.

you don’t need to immediately inform the reader of the colors of the eyes/hair unless they are important right at that moment? describe characters to the reader with more than just a couple of things like eyes/hair. how was the girl walking towards the magic shop? did she seem suspicious? explain the setting more? i know he has a tent and there’s some other homeless people, but give us something to visualize… is this just out on the street? under an overpass? under a bridge?

i found it difficult to keep my attention because there wasn’t much to pull me into the story in so far as being able to see the situations play out in my head. i’d like to see it like a movie and that happens by being able to set up your world and characters without rushing into all the information you want to share with the reader.

keep working at it! and again, just take your time while writing these scenes 🫶🏻 best of luck!

@hannah tysm!! genuinely ty for the brutal advice. i kinda needed that because i didnt rlly believe that EVERYONE liked it without ANY flaws. every writer has their own mistakes and i agree with that! i agree with you too, i feel like its a bit rushed and sometimes i dont know what to put in between. sometimes i just get the idea of putting it there after i wrote like 10 more pages. were you talking about the 1st chapter or the 2nd? or both? i will definitely work on it today and i’ll fix the mistakes/fill in more details. tysm again!! (also im sending you a fr so i could pm you? to update?)

That was an amazing opening! You really seem to have a great grasp at how to describe the inner viewpoint of your character! Try to work a bit on the narration though. Everything that happens in the moment to your character is incredibly well written, but your descriptions tend to be a bit explantory. For example: „My deep aqua blue eyes […]“ Your character has most likely viewed his eyes in the mirror countless times. So why would he care to point it out? Similarly: „I turn around to see Archie, a nine-year old and the grandson of Amos.“ Your character obviously seems to know Amos well, which is why a quick dialogue exchange or an action to demonstrate the relationship between the kid and his grandpa would work way better. Anyway, I think you have a lot of potential and what you wrote was like I said, pretty amazing all around. Only a bit unpolished. Just write and don‘t be too harsh on yourself. You truly have a lot of potential! So just have fun and keep writing!

@fyala omg tysm!! im actually grateful for the brutally kind advice lol but i will definitely work on those parts and polish them up! 😌