Chicks On Lit discussion

I found this article and I was just thinking about it and I don't know..I feel old-fashioned or too idealistic after reading this. I'm only 24 and I'm in an exclusive relationship that is heading into marriage..so maybe I just don't know how it is. I figured I'd ask my fellow chicks their opinion :)

http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/10/28/...

Haven't read the article Jamie, and I'm heading out the door. I'll read it when I get home later tonight.

That said, I believe that monogomy is totally realistic. However, I don't think that it is totally necessary for a happy, healthy relationship...as long as partners are honest and respectful.

More later!

I believe monogamy is completely realistic and can absolutely be achieved. Perhaps those who are celebrities and/or the extremely wealthy have a problem with it because many (not all) seem to live by their whims, just because they can, they do.

I think what is unrealistic is the common misconceptions people have about marriage/monogomy. It is described as one extreme or another....
"My hubby and I are best friends. We never fight. I get butterflies everytime he walks into the room even after 20 year."

"Marriage blows. I never get laid. My wife is always trying to change or control me!"

Staying in a committed relationship whether married or not is very hard work. It takes strong love and hard work from both people involved. Its not going to be all flowers for no reason, sex whenever wanted or snuggling during thunderstorms. And its not going to be all fights over toilet seats and money. Its going to be both. People forget that. And people seem to forget the good when they are anckle deep in the bad. Part of staying monogomous is being committed which means staying on the rollercoaster through the thrilling parts and the scary.

PS - I didn't read the article either, just throwing in my opinion.

I was coming in here wondering how on e couldn't believe in monogamy, that of course it is realistic!! I wouldn't be in a relationship that wasn't, then this line in that article caught my eye:

"Lipton and Barash, who have been married 32 years and are the co-authors of "Strange Bedfellows" and "The Myth of Monogamy," said serial monogamy may be more realistic -- a model in which people move from one committed long-term relationship to another and choose partners for different reasons at different stages of their life."

It's an interesting thought with the divorce rates. Maybe serial monogamy IS more realistic. Not that people cheat but move on to another when things get too difficult instead of toughing it out.

Monogamy is possible, but let's face it, it takes a lot of hard work, self-control, and compromise---things that I don't think people are very willing to do anymore.

So true Mary.

Just read the article. Very interesting. Jo, I think you make a good point about people living by their whims.

Thanks Kaliki!

And those I feel who live by their whims are more committed to themselves than to any other person & so they are more inclined to keep moving from relationship/marriage to relationship/marriage. I think 'serial monogamy' is a completely hypocritical, poor attempt at justification for cheating or not wanting to just admit that you have multiple partners (a primary and secondaries).

There are plenty of people like us who are committed to our marriages/relationships, who want to be w/just that person and who put in all the work a marriage/realtionship takes but it seems more & more society as a whole is labled by what celebrities & the very wealthy do. (Which brings me back to my point that many of them (not all), live by their whims - just because they can & want to, they do).

I looked up monogamy in the dictionary last night after hubby and I debated whether or not monogamy meant for life or with just a partner and the definition said "one partner at a time."

So, yes I stand by my beliefs that monogamy can be achieved if both partners work on the relationship. If the relationship doesn't work then of course it's okay to look for another relationship but calling it serial monogamy is kind of disappointing. It is just looking for that perfect person to spend your life with. I think I dreamed about this last night LOL

Yes- it is completely realistic and positive. Extremely good points Jo. It takes 2 committed people to make it work- and it is well worth it. One also has to be careful about whom you marry in the first place. Listen to nagging doubts and don't think YOU can change the person into someone you can live with-- because it's not happening. If it's not happening when they're younger it's certainly not going to happen as they get older! I think sometimes people marry based on the wrong reasons or just plunge in regardless of doubts because of all the elaborate plans that have been made. I wonder how many marriages would not go forward but-for the elaborate plans and guest lists?

I thinks it's a positive thing to learn to work things out which is why it may not be the best idea for children to have their own tv, duplicate toys etc (so they don't argue over them/ have to share etc.). Too much of that could have the effect of training children to be it's-all-about-me oriented which could make for difficult long term relationships in the future.

As Jo pointed out, many celebrities and the very wealthy live by their whims- because they can, and it feels nice at the moment. They get what they want when they want it. It changes them. They don't think about the down-side of those changes.

I read the article and Mandy that same quote stood out to me and I think I'm inclined to lean that way with my opinion on monogamy. I very much so think that it is possible but when something just isn't working anymore for whatever reason and you've given it your all then yes I think its ok to move on to a person who better suits you at that point in your life.

From my experience in life I believe that a relationship is easier and better with less bumps in the road when you pick a partner that's suited to you and that you have a healthy amount of trust with and great communication. With those three things you can maneuver past most of the down times in the relationship.

I also think that if you are in a relationship that for whatever reason is not working anymore and you both have tried every measure you can think of to make it work (and its still not)then its ok to move on. Life is too short to live in a miserable existence.

I agree with you Holli. I think 2 factors come into play here. One is the definition of marriage, which if we're going to be honest, is different for different people. Some take it very literally as "until death do us part" which means that you stick with it regardless if you're happy or not. I'm not saying always happy every day, because as Roxy commented, marriages do go through difficult times, couples do fight, disagree, and just plain not like each other sometimes. Others take marriage vows as being 'faithful' or monogamous throughout the duration of the union, regardless of how long or short it is. And to yet others, it means neither of those. Let me say here that I am not making a judgment on any of these, I have friends who fall into all three categories.

The other thing that seems to me to be a factor, is what constitutes 'trying' to make it work. I think there are many people out there who start to hit one of those phases when its hard, and just bug out. I think people's definition of trying to make it work is far more variable than even those definitions of marriage.

I think people put way too much emphasis on monogamy, and forget about the things that make a marriage work, or not work .. Love, Respect, Honesty, Communication, Commitment (even when it gets hard)...

Just my opinion. Take it or leave it. :) I honestly believe the correct answer to this question can only be answered between the two people in the relationship.

Oh, and Jamie, I do not at all mean to say that you shouldn't have raised this question. It's been a great discussion!

I very much agree with you Kaliki, this is a very big topic with lots of angles and all of those angles depend on the two people involved. Great answer!!

i am a firm believer in the till death do us part...and so is my husband...and we both come from 2 different worlds when it comes to marriage...

my parents are still happily married, and they are affectionate towards each other...even when times are rough...
my husbands parents went through a bad divorce which was finalized when he was in 3rd grade, and he says that the whole experience has literally scarred him for life, and he would never not only put me through something like that, but our future children as well.

we have our issues, as any couple does, but both of us really believe in the one partner for life aspect of it....i couldn't imagine my life without him...he's really my best friend..any arguement that happens is something that can be worked out....now, i cannot say what would happen if either one of us cheated or did something truely unforgivable, but i really have faith in us that we are not capable to hurt each other in that way...if i thought otherwise, why would i have married him? why not just stay single and screw around as much as i want, party it up every night, and just do whatever I wanted...

It can be achieved if you love the person you are with I have been married for 27 yrs an I have no problem with it and I like it this way. i also feel what you did before marriage has a lot to do with it. it maybe a little hard to settle down.

Congrats! I'm on year 3 of marriage and 8 yrs together =o)

And I just have to add that the person you choose makes a huge difference. "Marrying well" is how an older (and wiser) friend once put it to me. And this does NOT mean marrying someone who is rich! It means marrying someone who is compatible with you.

I also have to say that I think the secret to a happy marriage (in addition to marrying someone compatible) is to have very, very hot chemistry with your spouse. Good sex can go a long way toward solving various problems!

I keep looking at this thread. I don't think the question is asked right. (Not by the original poster but the link) The question isn't about monogamy but what people choose as their life paths. Monogamy is a way of life, so is polygamy, open marriages, bisexual and gay marriages. The question really is about holding onto a relationship and not letting go of it so quickly, not so much whether you are faithful in it. Of course in any relationship the number one thing is trust. After that it's all building blocks, working together to keep the relationship as healthy as it was in the beginning. Does that make sense or am I thinking on this too much? Of course it is realistic if it's the right relationship.

Mandy Sue, I think you've hit on the most important point. I don't know if the question is actually wrong, but I do agree with you that the more pertinent question is about way of life. Trust, being the most important thing in any relationship, and monogamy, a choice between two partners, don't necessarily go hand in hand. I believe a relationship does not have to be monogamous to have real and deep trust. But for a relationship to be long-lasting, I believe trust is required.

And in response to what some others have mentioned earlier, I think these discussions do need to be had before deciding to marry someone ... and additionally often throughout the marriage.

Jamie, you're a brave soul for posting this question. Glad you did! The discussions have been thought provoking. I've gotten a lot out of them.
I wish you all the best in your relationship.

My idealistic side wants to believe that monogomy is realistic. My cynical side says don't be daft!

Unfortunately I only know one couple who has made monogomy work and who still seem blissfully happy after 40 years together - its a joy to see. - But one couple out of the hundreds I've known throughout my life up to this point is not a heartening statistic.

To me, people seem to be a little too selfish these days, expectations are high and we're often unwilling to give as much as we take - the sums don't add up any more. - I wish it wasn't so but there it is. - it could have something to do with the way society is changing and the changing role of women (...although I'm sure feminists might disagree with me).

In addition...its not easy to find the one true love that fills your heart with joy. Many of us find an 'almost fit' and try to make it work. Do we make our choices on the right basis?

Are we so busy trying to satisfy short term needs - such as finding someone who looks good on our arm, who is fit enough or good looking enough, who is sexy, who has the most money? - rather than basing our decisons on longer term issues? - is that why so many relationships are serially and terminally 'short-term'? - do we try hard enough at the end of a relationship or is is too acceptable to throw in the towel when the going gets tough?

There are so many variables - I believe in thunderbolts and the happy ever after but I think its difficult to achieve in the modern world.

Ally

Serial monogamy made me think of serial killer. Not a great image but I suppose that's the point. It's a killer to a committed relationship.