Terminalcoffee discussion

Does gaydar exist? If so, how's yours?

I don't have good gaydar. This is esp. true when I think a guy is gay but I find out later he's not. This has happened at least three times in the last year. On the other hand, I don't mean to be offensive or stereotypical at all, and I know there's no "acting gay". What do you think?

Unless a guy is obviously, flamboyantly, flaming and over-the-top light in the loafers, I usually haven't a clue.

Mine is pretty good. I hang around with a lot of gay people, some stereotypical, some very much not-so. So just by osmosis, and meeting people, and knowing how THEY know. Definitely goes beyond mannerisms and into vibe.

hard to say because i usually wear a "goose me if you're gay" tee shirt around and that usually gives it away

I am generally clueless.

One of my bffe's is gay. He and I joke that when we get hit on or someone's flirting with us, we're CLUELESS. I always assume the other person is just being nice. He does, too.

I think over the years, I've acquired a bit of gaydar... it didn't come naturally, but then again, I never really cared.

I have a few friends who are married who I suspect are gay. It happens a bit more often than you'd think around here in the South.

In fact, I remember learning that the highest percentage of children with gay parents are in Southern states (a statistic that gay BFFE shared with me once). Apparently this is because most gay men living in the South are pressured by society and family pressures to keep it discreet and the best way to hide it is to marry... or something like that.

It's kind of sad, really.

mine's not that good, it could do with some fine-tuning.

Youndyc wrote: "I am generally clueless."

I'm standing next to Youndy on this one.

Jim wrote: "Youndyc wrote: "I am generally clueless."

I'm standing next to Youndy on this one."

And here's me standing next to Jim standing next to Youndy. I can't even tell if someone's flirting with ME. No surprise that I'm still single.

Mine is decent.

Sarah Pi wrote: "Mine is decent."

:)

Mine was great when I was younger...now, no go.

Mine works the same way my jewdar, romancatholicdar, diabetiesdar, addictdar, et al... it doesn't. Why would I need any kind of 'dar'?

I have good romancatholicdar.

There's always this Dar.

I like that Dar.

Mine is pretty good. I'm surprised Bun's isn't, because I think a lot of it comes from well-honed observational skills, and I picture her as good at that.

I hear ya, Phil... but I think the difference for Bun is that she's very private and respectful of others' privacy. So her response would make sense in this particular instance.

I can't tell, and I never want to assume anything. Especially here in Olympia, where a lot of the college students dress in thriftstore fashions.

Yes, that person could be gay, or just artistic. Or in a grunge band. There's no knowing. :)

I think over t..."

Heidi, I think it's definitely true. I live in KY and every gay man I know has had sex with guys who identify as straight. I mean, not only men that are in the closet, but men who insist they're straight but still want sex with men.

BunWat wrote: "I feel pretty lucky to live in a social circle where you don't really need gaydar. Most of the time I don't really need to know because why, what would I do differently? Not much. And if I do need to know, I can just ask. ."

I don't think it's necessarily a luck thing. The place it comes in handy is when you want to hit on someone, and it helps to know if they will rebuff you. I mean, you might get rebuffed anyway, but it's a good start if at least they play for the same team as you. My friends used to say my superhero power was the ability to walk into a room and know instantly who was interested in me. It was a useful superpower in its time.

I get it, Bun. I actually have a similar attitude towards race/ethnicity. I was friends with a gal for over 10 years before I found out that her father was black (he was absent from her life).

And on another occasion, I was out to eat with coworkers when one of the gals mentioned she was black. I was surprised to hear it because I guess I never really speculated on her ethnic origins. She was fair skinned and, really, it was none of my business.

Everyone at the table (there were about 12 of us) thought it was a ripe opportunity to pick on me for not "knowing" she was black, though. I think they were attributing it to ignorance or oblivion. Honestly, though, I thought it seems like a personal and kind of rude question to ask... and she never volunteered the information before then. Their snide remarks at my expense kind of hurt my feelings, mostly because they weren't going to give me a chance to explain myself.

She knew, though... she knew why and she understood, so that did make me feel a bit better about the situation..

It's a matter of being close to people, though. Getting to know somebody, you find out about friends, family, who they live with, what they're life's about. It just comes out. Plus I guess most people I know (gay and straight)are what you might call libertines and sex is a very important and celebratory part of life. Not that you have to be loud about it to be pro-sex, but we are pretty loud about it. Maybe that's partly a result of breaking away from repressive pasts of one sort or another. Maybe it's partly a way of saying, "if you're going to socialize with us, let's get this out in the open right away."

I hear Barb's pretty loud about it, too. :-P

Heidi wrote: "I get it, Bun. I actually have a similar attitude towards race/ethnicity. I was friends with a gal for over 10 years before I found out that her father was black (he was absent from her life).
..."

Reminds me of another Seinfeld episode. Elaine was all excited because she was in an interracial romance -- she thought the guy was black. Turns out he wasn't, and he was dating her because he thought she was... er... here my memory fails, but I think it was Hispanic.

That Seinfeld episode reminds me of me. In college one of my best friends started dating this guy. I was absolutely convinced the guy was black. He wasn't. (My friend thought this was hilarious, and when she told him he thought it was funny too.)

I think my gaydar is pretty good. One of my best friends in high school was a lesbian (although at the time she was dating a guy, and having sex with him - I think she knew she was a lesbian but was making sure - seriously!), and another best friend's sister was a lesbian. So I had the exposure.

At my last job I became friendly with a man who worked down the hall. I was sure he was gay. He was effeminate, and super friendly. I was shocked when he started telling me stories about his wife (a perfectly happy marriage). The way he befriended me was so unheterosexual - in my experience, a man who is that gushingly friendly either wants to date you, or is gay.

I guess the other option is he was looking for a threesome.

My friend Andy used to love hanging out with me because I had better gaydar than he did. I would point people out for him to approach. He doesn't need me anymore because he's been in a great relationship for ten years or so.

Twenty-five years ago, I had a female friend whose relationships with men could only be described as promiscuous. One weekend, on a beach trip, she told me that she thought she was a lesbian. She said that she had had so many bad relationships with men, and that she wanted to be with a woman. A year later, she found a woman to make a life with, and they're still together. I'm not sure that gaydar would have worked in her case. She seemed to make a conscious decision to be with a woman because she didn't like the way she was treated by men.

Lobstergirl wrote: "At my last job I became friendly with a man who worked down the hall. I was sure he was gay. He was effeminate, and super friendly. I was shocked when he started telling me stories about his wife (a perfectly happy marriage). The way he befriended me was so unheterosexual - in my experience, a man who is that gushingly friendly either wants to date you, or is gay."

i had the same experience with someone. it was months before i found out he had a girlfriend.

Scout wrote: "She seemed to make a conscious decision to be with a woman because she didn't like the way she was treated by men. "
I personally have never heard of anyone doing that if they didn't already swing that way to some extent. More typically, she may have been attracted to both men and women, but may have spent most of her life trying to date men because that's what you were supposed to do. She may not have previously talked about the attraction because you weren't supposed to talk about it either. People are often shocked at an announcement that seems out of the blue, but is actually the product of years of soul searching and building up courage.

BunWat wrote: "Well sure, if I know someone well then I know what their sexuality is, because it comes up. I meet their partner or hear about their date on Thursday or whatever. But I can't tell when I meet some..."

Well, I am from the South, Bun... and it seems to hold a bit more cultural significance here. Perhaps that's why they were so surprised that defining race or ethnicity from the onset wasn't so significant for me. Then again, I'm not normal.

And in response the posts above, just because someone's married or in a relationship doesn't mean he/she isn't gay or bisexual. And it doesn't mean that he/she is, either.

my wife's aunt, who is a lesbian, tells me who is and who is not gay so my gaydar is virtually unused. i instead use her as my GPS (Gay Person Spotter). she loves to say "gay dudes love you"

must be the fruit hat. or the sequined gown.

or the liza minnelli tat

or the lingering scent of flowery bubble bath :)

Heidi said: And in response the posts above, just because someone's married or in a relationship doesn't mean he/she isn't gay or bisexual. And it doesn't mean that he/she is, either.

That's absolutely true, even when people aren't in the closet at all. Human sexuality and love has such a wide expression, the familiar categories just touch on it. I guess it would be nice if it was simple, but it never is, really.

BunWat wrote: "Heidi wrote: "Well, I am from the South, Bun... and it seems to hold a bit more cultural significance here. Perhaps that's why they were so surprised that defining race or ethnicity from the onset ..."

I feel the same way about L.A. I like to visit, and I wouldn't want to live there... lawd, I mos def wouldn't want to live there.

BunWat wrote: "A lot of people tell me that. And yet the hi..."

I loved the drive north along the PCH. That and the visit to the Museum of Natural History were my faves.

When I was about 20, I was knocked back by a famous rock star in favour of another man. To my knowledge he has never been mentioned as swinging.
Apart from that the detectors have worked fine.

Not so good here. I've had two really good friends come out to me, one after more than 20 years and 2 kids. In hindsight, sure, there were mannerisms and things that can be seen now as "indicators". But, I just took em at face value. Until they told me, I assumed not. They indicated not at the time and I didn't question. Why would I? I love them exactly the same either way.

Right. Love your friends.

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Shoot down what crap? Love your friends? My teacher friend of 11 years invited me to stay at her brother-in-law's place on St. George Island for the weekend. On the second day, she told me she was gay. This was a surprise to me, since she'd been dating guys thoughout our friendship. I was glad she felt that she could trust me with this, and we're still friends 25 years later. She's a school superintendent now and lives openly with her lover. Not bad for South Georgia.

Scout wrote: "Shoot down what crap? Love your friends? My teacher friend of 11 years invited me to stay at her brother-in-law's place on St. George Island for the weekend. On the second day, she told me she was ..."

No, Barb was responding to a comment by another user which subsequently got deleted.

Jammies wrote: "Jim wrote: "Youndyc wrote: "I am generally clueless."

I'm standing next to Youndy on this one."

And here's me standing next to Jim standing next to Youndy. I can't even tell if someone's flirti..."

Hoo boy. Me standing next to the bunch of you. Someone very close to me told me she is bi-sexual. Did NOT see that coming. I don't think she liked my reaction, though. I basically said OK, so what? I think she wanted more shock and awe on my part.

I almost made the old Woody Allen joke about doubling your odds in the dating pool but decided it was not the right time.

Thanks for the clarification, Barb.