Terminalcoffee discussion

Do you have friends you can trust to be honest with you when you do stupid things? I mean, of course they can still be supportive, but honest at the same time, asking you questions about your decisions and outlining pros and cons without being overbearing, etc. Know what I mean? Have you ever told a friend something he/she didn't want to hear? Was that hard? How do you decide when to say something to a friend like that and when do you let it go? Has anyone ever told you something you had a hard time hearing but appreciated hearing anyway?

Other comments?

So many questions ....

Essay format, Larry. Spelling counts.

*rubs temples*

I'm usually that person for my friends and even for family. Mostly because they'll ask me for my feedback and I suck at lying, so I tell them what they need to hear, even if I don't like saying it. As for friends who do that for me - no, not really. I have several family members who usually do, though... some of 'em even bordering on insensitive with the delivery of their messages.

My oldest friend is like that- we’ve been friends since we were fourteen and she tells me exactly how it is. I’m the same with her, only she’s more of a bitch than I am, there’s no pussyfooting around. There’s no weighing pros and cons- she just puts it out there and I’ve never hated her for it. I’ve been angry before, but only for a few days- she’s been right every time and I’ve appreciated it in the end. Don’t get me wrong, she doesn’t just give me her judgement and strut away all high and mighty- she sticks around to pick up the pieces and get me on my feet. I love her like family.

I think it’s always hard to hear the truth, but I’d rather hear the truth. I appreciate the truth.

I'm honest when it is asked of me, and expect that from my friends. I don't think they are that same with me.

When I'm looking for someone to talk to I go to my brother. We always got along very well. Not to say that we didn’t have our brother/sister fights because we had plenty, but at the end of the day he is my best friend and has always been honest with me.

I have friends like that, and I try to be one, but I think the hardest thing to deal with is Bad Boyfriend (and/or girlfriend). You know, the one that they're so in love with that you can't say all the things you're concerned about, or you do and they don't listen, and then when they finally break up, they wail "why didn't you tell me????"

Of all of the middle school mean girl stuff my two daughters suffered through, I think one of the worst things for me to hear about later was that stupid sleepover game where the girls went around the circle and said something "totally honest" about everyone else. Or answered the question, "If there was one thing I could change about Marla, what would it be?" That shit drove me crazy as a mom. I don't remember that kind of mean behavior from my young pals, thank God.

Ooh, I don't remember that game. That's a terrible game.

Sarah Pi wrote: "...you know, the one that they're so in love with that you can't say all the things you're concerned about, or you do and they don't listen, and then when they finally break up, they wail "why didn't you tell me????"

The problem I worry about is if they don't break up and I actually have gone to the trouble of being honest. Endless awkwardness.

But I guess it really depends on the individual case. Sometimes it's worth speaking up because the situation is potentially dangerous, and one can't in good conscience keep quiet. Other times, maybe the better part of valor is discretion.

Often "I'm just being honest with you" turns into code for "I am being hateful and cruel simply because I feel like it."

I certainly wouldn't advocate that.

Cynthia wrote: "Often "I'm just being honest with you" turns into code for "I am being hateful and cruel simply because I feel like it.""


It's totally a passive aggressive thing that teen girls do - we didn't do it at slumber parties, but I do remember some of the girls doing that sort of thing at school during lunch break... you know, getting uninformed consent to be cruel and hateful. I didn't ever do it, and I'd sure cringe when I'd see them doing it to someone else. More times than not, I'd speak up for the gal they'd be picking on (usually an underclassman).

It was hard to speak up, Heidi.

Cynthia wrote: "It was hard to speak up, Heidi."

If I could redo anything in high school, speaking up more would be my number one.

Sarah Pi wrote: "I have friends like that, and I try to be one, but I think the hardest thing to deal with is Bad Boyfriend (and/or girlfriend). You know, the one that they're so in love with that you can't say all..."

I have learned from experience to be very circumspect when having this conversation. You may think your friend wants total honesty from you, but they don't. Half the time they end up getting back together with the bad GF/BF and then you have to think up not-mean things to say about the person. Unless it's a situation of obvious abuse, I generally keep my pronouncements vague.

i have a friend ty who keeps me accountable. he def tells me when i am out of line or steering down the wrong path. not sure about all stupid things because we are dangerous together but things about morality, character or integrity i can count on ty

seeing as i make alot of mistakes, i make good friends with people who aren't afraid to argue back with me, correct me if i'm wrong or whack the back of my head sometimes. my best friend takes advantage of the whacking though, but i know that i can completely count on her to be honest and save my ass.

Oh, hell yes. Sherri kicks my butt when I need it, which is one of the many reasons I love her.

I think it's very easy to spot if people are being honest in a good way or just being bitchy/trying to hurt you.
My husband and my mum can give me honest comments, some of my girlfriends will do it in a gentle way - but only if I ask them directly.

I only do it if it's important and I think the person will listen and not bite my head off.

i hope that is slang for something else

I have no idea what a squirter is.

I was afraid to ask. I keep checking back hoping for an explanation.

Holy Christ I did not need to know this.

To me that interaction sounds like some reality TV version of what people think they are supposed to say to friends. I mean, I can see coming around to that in a conversation that has already headed in a sexual direction, or in a situation where the friend has been drinking a lot. Other than that, it strikes me as off.

both my sister and my sister in law are the kind of friends who are not afraid to point out when I am being/acting ridiculously or becoming too self important or selfish. That's why I try to return the favor and that is why I consider them very valuable friends. and consider myself lucky to have them.

sc, I was just responding to the way you put it, maybe. You wrote "I was at a dinner once with one of my long-time good friends and I step outside with her so she can have a smoke. as soon as we get out there, she drops a bomb on me"
This implied to me that it was apropos of nothing. It came across as odd. Maybe there was more to the interaction. Was it something she had newly discovered about herself? Something she'd always wanted to tell you? Without context, it sounded out of the blue. You said it was out of the blue. Therefore it came across as strange to me. If it was normal interaction to you, though, I wouldn't have thought you would have bothered to put it here.

Sorry, I wasn't accusing you of anything. That lengthier version sounds less abrupt and more conversational.

It's one of the things I look for in a friendship. I consider myself lucky to have several friends who are willing to be the bearer of bad news. Some are more tactful than others, but the simple fact that they are willing shows me that they care. And I am the same. My mother has always been that way with me as well. The boyfriend/girlfriend stuff is always a dangerous area to enter, though.

I do suggest staying mute when it is a fight between two friends.

I do have a friend like that,although he's not always right and he knows it! We just talk so openly, and there's a lifetime of love and loyalty there, so it's okay.

In general I'm much better about taking things like that than giving it, because while I'm very self-aware and know what's going on and don't usually get defensive, I think other people, also, are probably better at sizing things up in their own lives than I am. But every now and then you need an opinion and he's the one who has the best perspective to give one. I do ask others, too, but not many people see the whole picture the way he does.

Kristina wrote: "Cynthia wrote: "It was hard to speak up, Heidi."

If I could redo anything in high school, speaking up more would be my number one."

ME TOO! But in junior high school.

If your friends aren't brutally honest with you - drunk or sober - and don't take every God-given opportunity to bust your balls, then they aren't truly friends at all.