Young Adult Fiction for Adults discussion

Hi everyone. I posted this question in another thread so I hope it's OK to post it here too; I'm looking for as many opinions as possible.

I'm doing the final edits to my latest novel (YA historical fiction) and I need your input.
I have two beginnings written -- the original one, and one that was rewritten at the request of an agent -- and I can't decide which I like best. So I'm putting it to a vote!

The document with both beginnings is posted here: http://www.jodykihara.com/JodyKiharaF...
(there's a little bit of Chapter 2 as well, because that has to get shuffled depending on what's in Ch1)

What I'd like to know is which beginning you like best, and why. Feel free to post your comments right here, or you can message me privately if you prefer. And I'm not offended if you don't like either - LOL!

Thanks!
Jody

No contest. I like #1 best. It drew me right in and the second one just didn't. The part about the cup and the statues and the stain on her hand just made me feel like there was something mysterious going on below the surface. I didn't get that at all in #2. #2 Just seemed like two girls venturing out where they should not be which is not something that would make it seem like something unique to read. The little paragraph in #1 about the mountains "guarding the town" or "keeping me in" was great and immediately made me aware of her feelings. I hope you like #1 best!

Definitely #1.

Gosh, the votes are about split right now! (across this thread + the other) To help me out, can you let me know your age? It doesn't have to be your exact age; something along the lines of 'elementary school age', 'teen', or 'adult' is fine.
Yes, I'm now having to do some market research and analysis! LOL

Wow, I am shocked they are even. I do think maybe the second one should have been #1 because it almost reads like it could be continued from the one you have first. Thus one reads it having already gotten a feel for how Alia wants to get away - but if it was read before the other one, would you have that feeling?

I am an adult (and read a LOT of YA). I had a friend read them too (not on goodreads). She also mentioned that #2 almost looks like it would be chapter two since Alia is doing what she considered doing in #1. If that makes sense.

#1 I agree that #2 almost feels like chapter 2 to #1 and I'm an older teen.

Have been having a conversation with my friend (thanks for the fun talk) about this. We are so sold on #1. Here are some reasons. It makes the reader think and question:
1. Is there going to be something supernatural in this story?
2. Why that particular statue?
3. Was it an omen (of course it was we want to believe)
4. What is the significance of the stain on her hands?
4. Why red?
5. What is it about Fakhiri's eyes/look.

A reader pulled into a story at the beginning is a GOOD thing. Some people don't give them 100 pages. There is really nothing unique in the concept of a girl wanting to leave her small town for adventure when that is taken by itself. The #1 gives the story mystery - not to mention it is just very beautifully written. My friend is an adult too but she reads almost entirely YA.

Hm, yes, I'm getting an interesting picture from the comments: generally, younger readers seem to like #2 better (more action) and older readers prefer #1. A friend of mine made the comment that she would have found #2 a little confusing if she hadn't already read #1.

The story behind it is: I wrote the original one (#1) and then an agent who was interested in the manuscript asked for a new beginning, because he thought #1 was too boring. (However, I don't value his opinion very highly, for other reasons.) Now, there are things I like about both beginnings, which is why I'm having a hard time deciding. I may have to do write something that's a combination... but that might degenerate into a total mess, LOL.

Anyway, please keep those comments coming in, they are definitely helping me! Thanks everyone!

I liked #2 better too. I'm 32 and I liked the immediate adrenaline rush of #2.

I liked #2, but #1 had some good points (more descriptive). FYI I am nearing the big 40.

Thanks everyone! Really helpful input, and a great cross-section of ages, too.

And thanks especially, Terry, for discussing it with your friend and giving me all that great feedback - wow, I feel quite honored!
I take it you've got some pretty good editing skills there! (Seriously, great critiquing - I hope you're sharing those critiquing skills with some fortunate writers!)

If they ask I do. LOL I write too but just articles and have never tried a book. But I do love to read! Good luck with the book and will keep my eye out for it.

Thanks Terry! I will definitely announce it here when it's out, which should be this spring. The book has been edited umpteen times already, which is *why* there are two beginnings... I'm nearing the end of my rope for how much more I *can* edit this book, which is not the best reason to stop, but a fair one! LOL
What kind of articles do you write?

Since several people commented that it seemed as if #2 could be chapter two to #1, I read #2 first. I still agree with that statement. Although both were good, I prefer #1. #2 was more adventurous, yes, but #1 including the juice part makes it seem like there's something going on outside the ordinary, which is good to get across right off the bat, instead of later. (where it can feel like an afterthought that was thrown in last minute.)

I'm 25 years old and still read a lot of YA! :)

Jody, I write articles for dog magazines but mostly a monthly column for my breed club, the Australian Shepherd. Nothing earth shattering. LOL

Good comments, Cindy.

Yes, thanks to both of you! I always liked #1 more because there's more foreshadowing and symbolism in it BUT... the scales are definitely tipping towards #2! What I realize now I should have asked people is, 'would either of these make you read on?'

I really wonder if people would have liked #2 as well if they had not read #1 first.

#1 was intriguing to me. #2 didn't have any of the mystery about it so interest me. But then I personally want something supernatural in a book and there were hints all over #1 that there would be.

In the end you should go with the one that feels right to you - it's your story.

Hmmm, interesting conversation. I think that the first chapter shouldn't have that many hints. I'm reading A Great and Terrible Beauty and you get a hint of a deeper story in the first few pages, but you don't get a hint of the paranormal until a bit later. There's suspense, but you wouldn't know that the character gets visions.

I suppose for me, when I read a book if that stuff comes out too fast I feel like the plot feels rushed. There's plenty of time to drop hints. The first chapter should be setting up the character and the plot.

Not that I'm saying at all that yours would feel like that, lol. I'm just thinking of books in the past.

The problem is that fans are a fickle bunch, so I'm not surprised at all that you're getting half and half. We all have different opinions and likes.

While I personally liked #2 better, I think that either start is a good one for the start of the book. Both seem to have enough that would push a person to read chapter 2.

Oh, definitely! But because I write Young Adult, it's always good to hear the opinions of the people I'm writing FOR. I also teach creative writing to elementary-school aged kids, and it's interesting, they care primarily about PLOT, whereas I'm much more into character and voice.
Thanks for your great input!

Terry I also liked #1 - I felt it built up the story more than #2, both were good :)

Thanks! On a side note, I'm offering an e-book giveaway this weekend:
http://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/5...