Goodreads Authors/Readers discussion

Hey guys; I think my blurb is too boring. Thinking of changing it and was hoping for a bit of feedback on it, whether you are a reader or a writer!

Here they are - have a look at both and then let me know which piques your interest more, if you would.

Original blurb:
= = = =
It is ten years after the Shantar-Mardonese war. In the quiet harbour town of Scarlock the thief Nereia must protect her sister; taking desperate measures she will be catapulted into a place of nightmare and legend. Before long, she will find herself On Dark Shores; and the choices she makes there will shape the future of the world she knows as well as the world she has yet to discover.

= = ==
as opposed to

New and improved blurb:
= = = =
Trapped in fear and poverty after the death of her parents, the thief Nereia will go to desperate lengths to protect her beautiful younger sister from the brutality of the moneylender; but the town of Scarlock trembles in Copeland’s grasp, and no-one has ever escaped him...yet.

In a country still recovering from war, events are stirring and the obscure little harbour-town will not remain obscure for very much longer; but in Scarlock, right now, Mr Copeland is coming to call.
= = = =
Anyone got any thoughts / preferences? Your help would be much appreciated!

Thanks all.
JAC

J.a. wrote: "Hey guys; I think my blurb is too boring. Thinking of changing it and was hoping for a bit of feedback on it, whether you are a reader or a writer!

Here they are - have a look at both and then l..."


Hi JA. I liked the New Improved version, but the last paragraph needs a little edit. Here is a suggestion. (Of course I don't know if Mr Copland is creepy, but you could add a word that describes him better.)

Here's my suggestion:

In a country still recovering from war, events are stirring in Scarlock, though the indistinct little harbour-town won't remain obscure much longer - not with the creepy Mr Copeland coming to call. <<(Or about to arrive.)

From:
(((It is ten years after the Shantar-Mardonese war. In the quiet harbour town of Scarlock the thief Nereia must protect her sister; taking desperate measures she will be catapulted into a place of nightmare and legend. Before long, she will find herself On Dark Shores; and the choices she makes there will shape the future of the world she knows as well as the world she has yet to discover))).
...................................................



To:

Blood flowed in the Shantar-Mardonese war, and now, ten years later, the Scarlock reverberates as the impish thief Nereia protects her sister from the shadowlands of esoteric fame. The Dark Shores thrusts forward unsavoury characters to test out Nereia, who must decide on the chilling knowledge death is not the worst alternative,not when Mr Copeland decides to call in the chips...
.......................................

Best
Cleveland W. Gibson

I definitely like the second one tons better than the first.
Hope that helps!

Alas Cleveland, my book doesn't go quite where you're thinking but you're writing with some gusto there!

Excellent - thanks for the feedback, all!
JAC

Thanks. No problem. You as the writer know more of the plot than we do.To make a sentence flow we have to create. Now what you need to do is take out the words that make it all too long. And rewrite. Edit.
For my YA novel I have a single short 'hook.'
Then a short summary or blurb.
Also a 2 page synopsis.
A query letter with certain elements of the above in it and at that stage the query letter become a proposal.

Best
Award winner; ww.celj.org