ROBUST discussion

Andre suggested that I post my attempt at tightening my blurb on here so that people could help. So here's what I have so far - if you can see a way to improve it (including punctuation), please let me know. If you want to see how it used to be, it's here: Treespeaker



Saving his people means leaving the forest. Leaving the forest means death.

Jakan the Treespeaker knows from visions that the stranger who has just arrived in his village is not the innocent, interested visitor he claims to be. As the villagers succumb to the mind-bending sorcery of the man, Jakan becomes more and more desperate to be rid of him. But when he accuses the stranger of an act of sacrilege, events take a sinister turn. Instead of the outsider, it is Jakan who is expelled from the forest. Sent on a journey across a treeless land, his life hangs by a tenuous thread as he searches for the way to save his people.

Adult fantasy, but suitable for anyone 12+


Thanks in advance!

Good versus evil takes a backseat to the universal need for belonging and balance in this excellent addition to your fantasy library. The main character—Jakan the Treespeaker whose special powers bind him in spirit to the forest—sees visions that warn him the newly-arrived stranger in his village is not who he claims to be. As other villagers fall under the spell of the stranger’s mind-bending sorcery, Jakan grows increasingly desperate to be rid of him. Events take a sinister turn when Jakan accuses the stranger of sacrilege and it is he, not the stranger, who is expelled from the forest. Come along on Jakan’s perilous journey across a treeless land as he searches for a way to save his people--and himself.

Adult fantasy appropriate for ages 12 and up.
____

Katie: Some people would probably say "whom" not "who," but I'm not one of them.

Here are my tweaks:

Good versus evil blends with the universal need for belonging in this powerful, new (epic, urban, high quest, sword and sorcery, insert whatever fits) fantasy.

Jakan the Treespeaker, whose special powers bind him in spirit to the forest, sees visions that warn him the newly-arrived stranger is not who he claims to be. As other villagers fall under the spell of the stranger’s mind-bending sorcery, Jakan grows increasingly desperate to be rid of him. Events take a sinister turn when Jakan accuses the stranger of sacrilege and it is he, not the stranger, who is expelled from the forest.

Come along on Jakan’s perilous journey across a treeless land as he searches for a way to save his people--and himself.

Treespeaker is appropriate for ages 12 and up.

I like Keryl's version best, so I'll develop that to be even more direct and active.

***

Jakan the Treespeaker can be be silent and belong where his heart lives, at least until the stranger destroys his tribe, or he can struggle for good against evil and be exiled.

Jakan's power of sight binds him to the spirit to the forest. His visions warn him that the stranger in the tribe bears them malice. As the villagers fall under the spell of the stranger’s mind-bending sorcery, Jakan grows desperate to be rid of him. Events take a sinister turn when Jakan accuses the stranger of sacrilege — and it is Jakan, not the stranger, who is expelled from the forest to die on the Outside.

Join Jakan on his perilous journey across the treeless blight as he searches for the secret that will save his people — and himself.

Treespeaker appeals to all ages 12 and up.

***

Technical note: on material for the Kindle, em and en dashes, for breaking off subsidiary thoughts, should not be connected either side because it makes for ugly line breaks. Add a space each side. Nothing to do with an em dash marking a broken thought except to pray it doesn't fall at the end of a line in any font size...

Katie:

So it IS a book about good versus evil? In the link you say it isn't. It surprised me when I read that because everything else you said in your two versions indicated it was about exactly that.

Patricia wrote: "Katie:

So it IS a book about good versus evil? In the link you say it isn't. It surprised me when I read that because everything else you said in your two versions indicated it was about exactly t..."

No, it isn't a book about good and evil, Patricia, but you'd have to read the book to understand why. I think I'll leave that out altogether as someone on Victorine's blog said it put him off to be told what it was not and I can understand that.

Thanks for the help, everyone. They've all got bits I really like, so I'll try and put them together to form a whole that's 'me'. Stay tuned.

A Treespeaker knows the forest. He feels its spirit and is bound to it.

Jakan the Treespeaker sees visions that warn him the newly-arrived stranger is not who he claims to be. As other villagers fall under the spell of the stranger’s mind-bending sorcery, Jakan grows increasingly desperate to be rid of him. Events take a sinister turn when Jakan accuses the stranger of sacrilege and it is he, not the outsider, who is expelled from the forest.

Join Jakan on his perilous journey across a blighted land as he searches for the secret that will save his people — and himself.

Treespeaker appeals to all ages 12 and up.



Any better? I think I've taken something from each of you (because they're all good) and turned it into mine, but I may have just made it boring again.

Keryl, I'd love to use something like your first line, but I can't think of what category of fantasy it fits, except 'High' which isn't very exciting.

Katie wrote: "A Treespeaker knows the forest. He feels its spirit and is bound to it."

This is a strong idea but it is weakly expressed. In your first line you need to grab your reader.

"A Treespeaker is one with his forest, moving with its spirit, inseparably bound to it."

Notice the concept of possession, adding excitement (risk of loss) and closeness, and the implicit danger of separation.

I like! Thanks, Andre! What about the rest? Is that okay?

I think if you take Andre's opening line, along with your final version of the blurb, it works.

But I am horrible at blurbs.

I hate doing blurbs. A lot. I'll do new blurbs and covers one day, but I'll edit the books up betterer (gooderer?) before pushing them too hard again.

Dave wrote: "I think if you take Andre's opening line, along with your final version of the blurb, it works.

But I am horrible at blurbs."

Thanks, Dave...I think!

Amos, let me know when your books are gooderer and I'll buy some more! ;)

Katie wrote: "I like! Thanks, Andre! What about the rest? Is that okay?"

Try this, tightened up slightly for personification, flow and removal of superfluous words (grows means increasingly, a stranger is newly-arrived or he wouldn't be a stranger):
***

Jakan the Treespeaker is one with his forest, moving with its spirit, inseparably bound to it.

His visions warn Jakan that the stranger is not who he claims to be. As the villagers fall under the spell of the stranger’s mind-bending sorcery, Jakan grows desperate to be rid of him. Events take a sinister turn when he accuses the stranger of sacrilege — and it is Jakan, not the outsider, who is expelled from the forest.

Join Jakan on his perilous journey across a blighted land as he searches for the secret that will save his people — and himself.

Treespeaker appeals to all ages 12 and up.

I disagree, Andre. If I grow desperate, that can indicate any level of desperation -- and I can land on that level and stay there. But if I grow increasingly desperate, that wording indicates an escalating desperation that may explode. There's movement in the emotion. It also indicates that events are escalating as well because why else would Jakan's desperation be growing?

A stranger can be a stranger for years. It's important to know that the conflict in the story stems from this stranger's arrival in Jakan's village. Having him newly-arrived shows that the conflict in the story has not been stewing for years; it's now. The book isn't going to look backward, telling us a generational tale. It starts when the conflict starts and carries us forward from there.

Of course, I say all that without having read the book. It's just what I assume about the character and the unfolding of the story, and if I'm accurate about that it seems important to communicate that in the blurb.

I may even agree with you when I'm wearing any hat but the blurb-writing one. On a blurb, you don't want to give even pedants a chance to stop and say, "Duh, a tautology." And adjectives must work like blunt instruments, not sophistical surgical scalpels for hairsplitting.

Maybe that's why my blurbs are always so bad...

I may not be as finessed as my opinion as Andre, but in general I'm in favor of shorter blurbs. If a word isn't vital, chop it out.

As a reader I don't want to read through a long intro.

So someone may be a stranger for years, but that's not a common interpretation of the word. Normally it indicates someone new to the group. So, newly-arrived stranger is redundant in this case.

How about -

A Treespeaker is one with his forest, moving with its spirit, inseparably bound to it.

His visions warn Jakan that a visitor to his tribe is not who he claims to be. As the villagers fall under the spell of the stranger’s mind-bending sorcery, Jakan grows desperate to be rid of him. Events take a sinister turn when he accuses the stranger of sacrilege — and it is Jakan, not the outsider, who is expelled from the forest.

Join Jakan on his perilous journey across a blighted land as he searches for the secret that will save his people — and himself.

Treespeaker is suitable for all ages 12 and up.

(I've changed the last line because what was there implies it's YA, but it doesn't fit YA with an MC who's in his forties)

i wouldn't worry about the YA or age thing. I didn't write paradise as YA, but I did change MC from 43 to 17 and removed some sex to get wider reader base. Now people call it YA. That rewrite is another story... Lol. On phone atm.

Or:

A Treespeaker is one with his forest, moving with its spirit and born to protect it.

Visions warn Jakan that a stranger visiting his tribe is not who he claims to be. As others fall under the spell of the man’s mind-bending sorcery, Jakan is determined to be rid of him -- but events take a sinister turn when he accuses the stranger of sacrilege. It is Jakan, not the outsider, who is expelled from the forest.

Join Jakan in his quest to reclaim his place in the forest and uncover the secret that will save his people — and himself.

Treespeaker is suitable for all ages 12 and up.

Thanks Patricia, but there's definitely more desperation in Jakan's actions than determination and he's not trying to reclaim his place because he knows that his place will be a different one even if he succeeds.

I think I'll go with what I've got.

Thanks, everyone.

Now I've submitted it, I'm thinking I should have quoted the first line of the review from Sift Book Reviews to finish it off. Ah well...another day.

The beauty of ebooks is that you can change important elements like the blurb every day until you get it right. A quote from a review always makes a good capstone for a blurb. Looks to me like you're on your way way, Katie; that blurb is much tighter now, and clearer too, fewer interfering or false subtexts.