readers advisory for all discussion

I feel helpless to do anything for a friend who just lost someone through violence, so I thought I could ask this question. I don't know that I will ever give my friend any of the suggestions, but it feels like asking is something. So. What would you suggest if someone whose world was just destroyed asked you for reading suggestions? I don't mean self-help or anything like that. A therapist can give all of those things. I mean if they were just asking for suggestions.

I think this is a difficult question because mourning is so personal. I think a lot of books and movies that address mourning more directly (specifically fiction, where a character has to mourn a relationship) come off as trite because everything is often *hugs* in the end. And, then, reading is such a good escape, so I think there is something of an uncanny-valley problem with a lot of books addressing mourning in that they are so similar to real life, but kind of cruelly simple. I have never lost someone through violence, so that is very different from my experience.

Anyway, I lost my mom a few years ago, and I really, really love the book Motherless Daughters, though I had to wait over a year to be okay with reading it. Obviously, it is specific to the mother-daughter relationship, but it touches on all family relationships. It is also a self-help, grieving book, but I still love it.

I would also say that I think there are moods to mourning. Usually, for me, if something has happened to kind of re-kindle my mourning, and I am looking for fiction, I either want something that that directly addresses mourning from someone I can respect about it (i.e. not someone surrounded by a lot of positive support), or something totally escapist.

On the side of things that directly address mourning, one book I was just thinking about is A Gracious Plenty. I also feel like watching the movie La Strada sometimes, though I rarely make it all the way through. But, man, those girls' lives suck, and they deal with it pretty well.

On the escapist side, I think Peter Pan, Harry Potter, and The Daughter of Smoke and Bone are pretty good ones. They all at least tangentially deal with mourning, which most books probably do I think, but the adventure is the focus.

Do you know what your friends' taste is like in general?

She loves fantasy. She also goes through spells where she enjoys romances. Also, although I don't know how much this would figure into her reading, but she adores math. She gets scared very easily, so nothing even approaching horror.

Romance and fantasy seem like good genres to pull from. I mean, I know a person is supposed to bash them, but all of the Stephenie Meyer books are very comforting, even just to laugh at, especially in a mourning situation because nothing bad ever happens to a Meyer character, so you don't risk getting attached and then losing someone. I don't know how offended she would be by the simple prose, though. I do think everyone is so different with how they deal with death, so what is comforting to me might be annoying to somebody else. I also find Jane Austen very comforting. Usually, the movie Persuasion is a go-to for me when I'm sad or sick.

Books that I have found the opposite of comforting (that I would not recommend) are:

Mockingjay, even though I do love it, but I cried for like a month after I read it. I think there is a weird element of rejection to death sometimes, and this book dealt with that in a way that was so uncanny to me. I found it an unexpectedly hurtful book to read.

Melina Marchetta's books. As far as I can tell, they are all about mourning, but (and even though they seem like good books) the way she deals with it is very alienating to me. Again, this might not be true for someone else.

In general, I would probably steer clear of recommending books that deal very directly with death unless she specifically asks you for something. Maybe other people would have different opinions, though. And I am not a fantasy/romance buff, so I can't really speak to what that would mean for those genres.

A Death in the Family is one of my favorite books, but I would obviously not recommend it. :)

I think I am looking more for things that would be distractions. I honestly do not know if I will ever make use of these, but it will be nice to have some ideas if she should ask. Thank you for your suggestions.

Yep, no problem.

There's one book I've bought for many different family and friends, but it's a picture book and I'm not exactly sure it'd fit your needs. It's called Through the Mickle Woods. About a grieving king whose queen has died. At her dying request he goes into the wood where he meets with a bear who tells him three stories.

It's out of print, and may not be the exact kind of thing you want, but I figured I'd mention it.

Thank you

well I think you have to be the arbiter because you know your friend and because people are so different.

personally when I'm depressed I want to read books that remind me I'm not the only one:
The Trick Is to Keep Breathing
is a book about a woman whose boyfriend dies in an accident and she is extremely depressed and it's just about well what the title says.
A Long Way Down
there is no tragedy here, but it's more uplifting and it's really about how with time all things change. and it isn't about people no longer wanting to kill themselves it's more about people realizing that maybe now isn't the time.


on the other hand my mom wants nothing to do with depression. so when she was depressed I gave her:
Hardcore Zen: Punk Rock, Monster Movies, & the Truth about Reality and Dharma Punx: A Memoir
these are both books that are about buddhism and sort of learning to sit with pain or through pain.
but ideally with her I tell her to go watch the harry potter movies cause that actually makes her feel better.

I've had customers come into the store after tragedies and ask for all kinds of weird things:
murder mysteries without any violence (WHAT?!?)
chicklit
scifi/fantasy

it depends if your friend is more for wallowing or escaping.

Almost Like Being in Love

I just saw that you said she likes romance. So this isn't "romance" persay but it's sort of a literary equivalent. I liked it a lot and it's probably good for escapist type lit.

At some point Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking is a brilliant book on the experience of grief. This is the story of her struggle to surface after her husband, write John Dunne, died suddenly. I sent it to a friend whose father had recently died and she found it gave her some comfort. I've been reading, not because of a particular tragedy in my life, but to prepare myself for loss.
ps. Sorry, I don't know how to include hyperlinks in the body of the comment.

The Year of Magical Thinking

Jasmine wrote: "The Year of Magical Thinking"

Thanks!

np

all you have to do is hit "add book/author" above the text box and search for the book.

Okay, of course it's that simple! LOL. Thanks for the tip.

I love The Year of Magical Thinking!

Basically, I'm going to see how it goes when she comes back to our group. I think I can get a better feel from that, probably. This was quite recent. The funeral isn't until Thursday.

Amazing Grace by Kathleen Norris was the one for me when I had a sudden traumatic loss years ago. It's a "quiet" book - and maybe not for everyone but although I'm not religious it was good for me to read through Kathleen's experiences with monasteries, and coming back to religion. She's a poet and writer, os her way with words is part of what got me. I still revisit this book every now and then.

Denae wrote: "I love The Year of Magical Thinking!

Basically, I'm going to see how it goes when she comes back to our group. I think I can get a better feel from that, probably. This was quite recent. The funer..."

Having recently experienced a loss myself (6 months ago but still feels like yesterday sometimes), reading helped me immensely. Specifically books by Louise Penny, which are a kind of cozy mysteries set in small town Quebec. Her detective, inspector Armand Gamache is one of those quiet, contemplative, wise fellows whose integrity is uncompromiseable (I know that's not a word. lol). I even exchanged some emails with the author about it and she was kind and gracious and really down to earth.

Those sound great. I'll have to check them out.

speaking only for myself, if i was grieving, i would want something just dumb and fun. like these:

Beaglemania

or

The More the Terrier

there are dogs and puns. these would probably get me through many different griefs.

Those look hilarious!

(i own the first one. i couldn't resist)