Terminalcoffee discussion

How do you feel about getting old(er) at a time when life expectancies are growing and you might live for a long time as an "elderly" person?

I don't want to be in a retirement home...but I don't want to be a burden to my kids. I'm hoping to be one of those old guys who sits in the library and reads a lot. But I'm scared of losing control over my daily decisions and I feel my memory is already fading somewhat. Plus I find "happy" retirees, e.g. the spazzy, "let's learn how to horseback ride!" psycho-active retirees, scary. It's almost as if they're trying too hard. I want some peace when I'm that age.

I know this is a pretty harsh and terrifying question for some, but I'm going to put it out there anyway. What are the positives of growing older? The negatives? The hopes and fears?

I use my trusty old friend denial. What? Me older?

I hate getting older. I really don't want it to happen. I find that denial works, too. I don't tell myself I'm not getting older, just try and make myself believe shit like "40 is the new 30" and "you look young for your age."

I know my fear of getting older is 99.9% vain, but there is the health aspect, too. I was having to write with pen and paper the other day (remember those) and my hand totally started cramping. I'm sure arthritis is inevitable. Bad knees, poor circulation, loss of bladder control, bad back, memory loss. And that's just the shit I'm aware of.

Aging sucks.

The positives of getting older:

- Since you have learned something new every day, you gather wisdom over time.

- More opportunities to meet terrific people who are all over the place if you just look for them.

- More time spent with people you love.

- You aren't dead yet.

Some negatives:

- Your body wears out and gives you pain in places you never knew were there before.

- You have to carry around reading glasses or you can't see the stupid little buttons on your cell phone or read the songs on your iPod.

- Your physical appearance gets steadily less attractive.

- You aren't dead yet.

I have a grandmother who's 93. My other grandmother passed away at 98. There's a really good chance that I'll live to be 100. I do not want to end up like my late grandmother who spent the last 15 years of her life in a nursing home not knowing who anyone was. It was one of the saddest, most frightening things I've seen in my life. I want to be like my 93 year old grandmother who still takes walks and eats broccoli every day.

Broccoli! Yes!

Don't fear getting older, it is going to happen. Embrace it and you will find that you don't even realize that it is happening. All the older people that I know that stayed active seem to be handling old age just fine.

I really hope that my daily yoga habit will help me somewhat in this category.

My grandfather just passed away this year after a long and painful decline. The hardest thing to watch was that long before his body died, his mind left us all and it was like he was already in another place. He knew some people sometimes, my dad and some cousins. Sometimes he knew my grandma, sometimes he hated her. But he didn't know me, or he was afraid of me. My 87 year old grandfather would hide when I came over (yes, it was to cut his hair, but still) - this a man who fought in WWII and was a tyrant and a bully for his whole life, afraid of me!

It freaked me out - and still kind of does. Especially as my other alternative hereditarily (its not a word, of this I am aware) is to die of a stroke/heart disease.

Sally, the whole dementia thing freaks me out too. Sometimes, I think it would be better to just eat a bunch of saturated fat and go of a heart attack.

That's good advice Charly. I'll have to remember that one. You don't have to be one of the psycho-active retirees that Randomanthony was talking about, but it's still really important to keep a positive attitude. My grandmother, I believe, suffered from depression during the final years of her life. (I think she always had the depression, and aging didn't help.) She had health problems that made it difficult for her to get out of the house and be out in the world. She was always harping on these health issues and had a glass-half-empty perspective on things in general, which made her even more depressed. Now, I see my mother going down that same road. I have no doubt that the health issues older people face are challenging and uncomfortable, but this is no way to live, and I can only hope that I learn from this. Life kind of sucks sometimes, but there's always something that makes me stop and think how remarkable it all is.

On the other hand, I work in an elderly and disabled residential building, and I have a few elderly residents who I aspire to be like in my old age. They're so chill and easy-going and I think it's this attitude that gets them up and about each day.

In the meantime, I'm kind of living by the philosophy Sandi suggested and embracing all my vices: coffee, alcohol, ice cream, butter, whole milk, red meat, cheese, all the good stuff. I definitely don't want to live to be a hundred, so I'm okay with trimming a few years off here and there.

Today is the wrong day for me to think about this stuff, but I really want to come back to this thread. Suffice it to say that I'm thinking about my age/life a lot lately.

Charly, my grandmother has been pulling the "I might not have many _______ (insert Christmases or birthdays here) left" for at least 20 years now. We're all immune to it.

I was so relieved when I turned 30. My 20s were rough. I was relieved to have gotten through them. 40 is approaching now, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I don't necessarily feel bad about getting older. I just feel like I should be more mature by now, that I should've gotten more done by this age. BUT, age does bring wisdom (if we're reflective and honest and open to learning from our pasts, I guess), and I know I wasn't capable of doing much more than I did before now. It just seems like there's not as much energy to do all the stuff I need to do to get to where I wanna be as there would've been if I'd been capable of doing all this shit in my 20s.

I know I like and want sex a lot more as I've gotten older. Some of that's a result of just experience (and lots of therapy!), but I think there's also something hormonal going on, too.

I wouldn't feel to bad about thinking you should be more mature as you get older. Sometimes maturity just stops you from having fun. I haven't matured in years according to the spouse and kids. Oh well.

I want sex a lot more too. At this rate I would hate to see my sex drive by the time I turn 70 or 80. God I'll have calluses upon calluses by then.

Maturity in that sentence meant more like I should've accomplished more by now. Like now that I've finally decided what I want to do with my life I can't help but thinking if I hadn't been so screwed up and incapable of it in my twenties, all this schooling and stuff would've been LONG done and I could possibly be a judge by now... ('Cause in addition to finishing the education I also wouldn't've done all the things that would preclude my being able to pass the vetting for judgeship now.)

:)

I know, I know, I KNOW that I wouldn't have been the same person I am today and wouldn't have the same passion and determination that I have today if I hadn't had all the experiences, but goddamn I would've been done with all this exhausting shit before my body became more averse to doing exhausting shit.

Mindy is.

Here's the thing about aging -- it really sneaks up on you. I mean it seems like you just got started as an adult, and then before you know it you're roaring past 40, 45, 50 ... if you're fortunate, that is. Another part of aging is that you see a lot of people go by the wayside.

So my wisdom to impart here is: Grab ahold of life right now. John Lennon was right about life being what happens while you're planning other things. This is the main event folks, and not the opening act.

Also, if you care about special people in your life, let them know about it before they are gone. Because all too often, they will be gone before you're ready to let them go.

And if you're like in your 20s, you probably don't believe a word of this. *sigh* I know because I didn't either.

I like that story about the Tai Chi instructor!

When I was almost committed to the whole law school path (I'd been speculating for several years, but working with homeless families and seeing the effects of social structure on real people rather than just theorizing about them compelled me.), I was whining about it to a friend: "But I'll be 40 years old by the time I get out of law school!" And she said, "Mindy, you'll be 40 anyway."

Yep. That was really one of the best little nuggets of wisdom I ever got, and it was exactly what I needed to make that final commitment. There just wasn't any arguing about it with myself anymore. (I still wish all of this would've happened in my 20s, though.)

Well, you won't be forty if you're dead. But I suppose that was a given.

Well, technically, it will still have been 40 years since your birth. You just won't be alive to know it.

Well, death is an option that still comes up occasionally (though never as seriously as it used to in my crazy 20s) when the depression waxes (which is very seldom now, praise Eli Lilly). But yeah, all of my friend's advice was going with the assumption that death and I would remain unacquainted.

I'm new here, so hello everyone. :o)

I used to think about my age a lot. By the time I hit 37 I was convinced I was an old woman with little time left. I haven't a clue how I ended up thinking like that, but I was cured in January 2007. I almost died (came within a cat's whisker). Now I couldn't care less. The things I feared... being seriously ill and facing the end, I have done already. It wasn't so bad, I was unconscious for most of it, and me worrying about it didn't make a blind bit of difference.

When it happens it happens. I'll still be me, just a bit more silvery. My grandmother was still running a farm in her eighties, so I'm hoping I take after her.

Hello, Gina...welcome to the board...glad you're here.

My wife has some gray, I mean, silver hair...I dig it.:)

I still feel like I'm 15 most days.

... and miles to go before I sleep.

I like in the Jackass movie when that one dude dresses up like an old man and steal sneakers!!! Hilarious!

Yes, I like the Jackass movie. It's my dirty, little secret.

My wife love those movies too, Montambo. Anytime someone gets hurt she laughs.

KD has a point about what old people get away with. I need to think on that.

And have you seen how they dress?!! I could wear purple socks and green pants and nobody could say anything about it!!!

You mean I'm supposed to wait until I'm old to do that? So that's why I get so many funny looks.

Gina, I like your perspective.

Getting old beats the alternative, right? I just try not to think about it too much.

Since I would prefer to be a spry oldster, I do try to exercise and not eat a lot of junk. I hope it works.

Hi Charly,

I completely agree. There are lots of things I want to do... in fact, the list seems to get longer by the day... but when anyone asks me when I intend to do them, I say 'eventually'. I'll get around to them when I get around to them. I don't think I've ever set a 'do by' date for anything.

Hey Charly/Gina,

My lists seems to be growing all the time too, and when I get the chance to do some of them I will. Tomorrow I learn how to blow glass, with the eventual goal of blowing my own beer mug.

Pretty minor compared to becoming a lawyer, but then again I never wanted to become a lawyer. But Mindy does, and I think that it is great that she is doing so.

I think that we all wish there were things that we wish we would have accomplished earlier in life, but part of growing older is the realization that it doesn't matter. Like Charly said just don't set a timetable and everything will work out fine.

BUt have dreams of things you want to do. My mother always told me to have dreams, because without dreams we begin to die, and isn't that what we are trying to avoid.

Hi Jim,

I used to blow glass... hot work! So much fun though once you get going. Good luck tomorrow.

Thanks.

Yeah, I'm really looking forward to it. So many opportunities for things to do with glass.

Is it something you'll go back to, or has that ship sailed?

I don't think I'll go back to it, but you never can tell. Life has a habit of taking unexpected turns.

Speaking of living your dreams--does anyone know how to whistle by putting your fingers in your mouth? TEACH ME!

better late than never.

I only feel old when my son makes some smart ass comment like "Back in old days... You know back in the eighties".

It frightens me.

I'm unhappy about it.

Ha Gabby funny.

I think I was too busy as a kid to think about getting older. Now... I am with RA on this one. I am sure I've mentioned it before but I'm looking for an early exit. I'm not looking to hang round and make a nuisance of myself. I just haven't worked out a plan, and the older I get the more I might extend my expiry date. The thought of death doesn't bother me in the slightest. I just don't want it to be long and drawn out, or painful.

I like life! I don't want it to end! And I feel wiser, although I kind of miss the uncynical attitude of my youth, but I feel pretty much the same as I always did. I feel sort of ageless.

I actually would like living in a nursing home. There's always stuff to do, somebody around to talk to. I mostly live in my head anyway, a certain amount of limited mobility doesn't bother me too much. I hate the thought of losing my senses, but as long as I can hear I can listen to audiobooks.

I'm afraid of being beaten to death by a healthcare aide with a 10th grade education.

Gail «Cyborg» wrote: "Ha Gabby funny.

I think I was too busy as a kid to think about getting older. Now... I am with RA on this one. I am sure I've mentioned it before but I'm looking for an early exit. "

Hopefully not too early.

As long as it's painless and quick, any time will do. I am not suicidal. I just don't want to hang around when the faculties deteriorate too much. The problem will be, not knowing when I get to that point. I might make it into the 90's and still be okay. The women in my family live very long lives.

Well...that's a point.

Lobstergirl wrote: "I'm afraid of being beaten to death by a healthcare aide with a 10th grade education."

Education discrimination!

Now that I'm older, I like simple things: crisp sheets, walks with my dog, rain, sun, clouds, breezes, flowers, friends, family, gardening, good books, good food.

The other day, for the first time in my life I was flattered because someone thought I was younger than I am. That's a sign of getting older I guess:-)
What really freaks me out about getting older, is that now all my grandparents are dead, my parents and in-laws are next. My dad will be 70 soon, and the thought that the day when I'll loose them is not as far away as it has been, is hard for me.
I also dislike the thought that I might be seperated from my husband when we grow old, because one of us will have to go to a retirement home, and I don't want to die and leave my children...
The physical stuff doesn't bother me that much, but I hope I'll die before I turn into a vegetable or have to wear a diaper...

I always wanted to become 104.

Lobstergirl wrote: "I'm afraid of being beaten to death by a healthcare aide with a 10th grade education."

^^LG LG LG