Book Loving Kiwis discussion

I am working on my next book and have just written a description for it.

I was hoping that a few of you might take the time to read this description and let me know what you think.

This is something that I might put on the back cover and so I hope it leaves you curious about the book.
Or, does it leave you with questions? Is there something else you want to know? Is something missing? Is there too much information?

I look forward to your thoughts.

Book is linked above, but here it is again: http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/13...

This one will be launched in late 2012.

Last sentence after the comma doesnt seem to work all that well. something like.. "he goes into hiding hoping to make it own his own" instead maybe?

the other thing is that only the first two sentences in the first paragrapgh mention anything to do with the missing daughter. Would be a good idea to make a mention in the last paragraph to help link back and round off the description.
hope that helps

Thanks Melissa, some points to think about.

Some changes made. Please note if you are reading this for the first time now, that it is not the same as what Melissa commented on.

Hi Greg. I couldn't help but read 'religious sects' as 'religious sex' (phonetically almost identical!)

Also, in your story are there sect(s) plural?

Finally, is it a sect or a cult? You mention both and they are fundamentally different.

My alternative:-

Detective Marcel Widmer is obsessed with finding his kidnapped daughter. His only clue, that her kidnapper was involved in a religious sect.

When a fifteen-year-old boy charged with murder escapes from an elusive cult high in the Swiss Alps, Marcel decides to use him as a way to get inside the walls of the mysterious community.

David witnesses a brutal murder and escapes into the alpine wilderness. Suffering a gunshot wound and a mind poisoned by years of misinformation, he trusts no one as he tries to find freedom alone.

When Marcel's and David's paths cross, neither is prepared for the effect the pursuit of truth has on their lives and the lives of those around them.

Greg - I think you gave way too much of the plot (The murder of David's best friend by his revered leaders - I'm hoping that is central to the plot, not just mentioned in passing!) I've also edited and added a bit, with a few minor assumptions thrown in for good measure! - hope it helps a bit.

Cheers.

Matt

I really like what you have done, Matt. You know how it is when you are too close to the story...

The murder of David's best friend is central to the plot and occurs in chapter two, so not giving anything away.

But if it is alright with you, I am going to use your amended version on the Goodreads page for now.
I appreciate your fresh eyes.

"I really like what you have done, Matt. You know how it is when you are too close to the story"

I'm flattered. Help yourself!

I already did. *evil grin*

Thanks, Kathleen. More amendments made. I feel like I am getting there, slowly.