Esther Perel's Blog, page 9

Dr. Oz and relationship expert Esther Perel want to help you put the spark back in your bedroom! Learn why lack of desire is affecting more than just relationship and what you can do to revive your sex life. Watch the video clip HERE.

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Dr. Oz and relationship expert Esther Perel want to help you put the spark back in your bedroom! Learn why lack of desire is affecting more than just relationship and what you can do to revive your sex life.

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Comedy Central | The Colbert Report

June 9, 2014

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Psychologist and sexuality expert Esther Perel discusses the nature of erotic desire. We owe it to ourselves, says Perel, to be happy and search for our own gratification and sexual expressiveness. Continue to Video

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Esther Perel is recognized as one of the world’s most original and insightful voices on personal and professional relationships. She is the best-selling author of Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, translated into 25 languages. Continue to Video

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Feb 2013 | Ted Talks

In long-term relationships, we often expect our beloved to be both best friend and erotic partner. But as Esther Perel argues, good and committed sex draws on two conflicting needs: our need for security and our need for surprise. So how do you sustain desire? With wit and eloquence, Perel lets us in on the mystery of erotic intelligence.

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Join us in celebration for World Sexual Heath Day, North America. For more information please visit: connectionsabc.com. Video shot and edited by: Alex Treeam: Treeam Boutique Video Production Company-Treeam.com. Featuring Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh, Esther Perel, Dr. Jane Greer, Millana Snow, JP Jofre Tango Ensemble, Oceane Hooks-Camillieri, Jeffrey Solomon.

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Originally published on PsychotherapyNetworker.org

Reconciling Sensuality and Domesticity

America, in matters of sex as in much else, seems to be a goal-oriented society that prefers explicit meanings, candor, and “plain speech” to ambiguity and allusion. In America, this predilection for clarity and unvarnished directness, often associated with honesty and openness, is encouraged by many therapists in their clients: “If you want to make love to your wife/husband, why don’t you say it clearly? And tell him/her exactly what you want.”

But I often suggest an alternative with my clients: “There’s so much direct talk already in the everyday conversations couples have with each other,” I tell them. “If you want to create more passion in your relationship, why don’t you play a little more with the natural ambiguity of gesture and words, and the rich nuances inherent in communication.”

Ironically, some of America’s best features—the belief in democracy, equality, consensus-building, compromise, fairness, and mutual tolerance—can, when carried too punctiliously into the bedroom, result in very boring sex. Sexual desire doesn’t play by the same rules of good citizenship that maintain peace and contentment in the social relations between partners. Sexual excitement is politically incorrect, often thriving on power plays, role reversals, unfair advantages, imperious demands, seductive manipulations, and subtle cruelties. American couples therapists, shaped by the legacy of egalitarian ideals, often find themselves challenged by these contradictions.

What I’d characterize as a European emphasis on complementarity—the appeal of difference—rather than strict gender equality has, it seems to me, made women on the other side of the Atlantic feel less conflict between being smart and being sexy. In Europe, to sexualize a woman doesn’t mean to denigrate her intelligence or competence or authority. Women, therefore, can enjoy expressing their sexuality and being objects of desire, and enjoy their sexual power, without feeling they’re forfeiting their right to be taken seriously as professionals and workers.

Of course, American feminists achieved momentous improvements in all aspects of women’s lives. Yet without denigrating those historically significant achievements, I do believe that the emphasis on egalitarian and respectful sex—purged of any expressions of power, aggression, and transgression—is antithetical to erotic desire, for men and women alike.

Read more of this article on PsychotherapyNetworker.org »

What do you think?

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In our newest webcast series — The Changing Face of Marriage — I will explore the fundamental changes marriage is undergoing in our contemporary world. With a captivating breakdown of the different ways that Baby Boomers, Generation Xers, and Millennials are interpreting everything from marital traditions to sexual exploration to divorce, my interview sheds light on what every therapist should know when facing these issues in the consulting room.

Watch each Webcast session as it airs weekly starting Wednesday, October 22. Take a full year to watch them all again and again at your convenience. Download audio, transcripts, and bonus readings to add to your permanent library. Add CEs now or any time during the year.

Here’s a painfully familiar situation: You’re heading home after a day at work that ran longer than you expected, and the tone of the text exchange you just had with your partner makes it clear he or she is upset. So, you spend the commute having a conversation with them in your head, in which you convincingly explain why you’re late, and how he or she responds with perfect understanding. Then you get home and before you get through the first line of your well-practiced explanation, the two of you are arguing.

That argument doesn’t have to happen. With a few subtle shifts in how you approach the conversation, you and your partner can move beyond the stalemate.

1. Apologize Less And Thank More

Your justification for being late is probably sound; it’s also probably just what she expects to hear. After all, she’s been having the same conversation in her head that you’ve been having in yours. So take the conversation somewhere new. Say, ’Thank you. Without you here doing what you do, I can’t do what I do. Let her know you appreciate that she takes over for you when you can’t be home.

2. Don’t Think Of It As A Conflict

The minute you set up a conflict, you fuel it, closing the door on the vulnerabilities underneath. You’re both looking for more understanding, compassion and empathy, but it’s always easier to argue than express more complicated emotions like loneliness or sadness or insecurity. Whatever the particulars, you’ve likely had the argument many times before, so don’t go toward the same impasse. Try to go under it.

3. You Create The Person Who Receives You

Your partner admires you for working hard – it’s likely part of why he fell for you in the first place – so acknowledge if you’ve taken that for granted. Are you quicker to respond to texts from co-workers than from him? Are you always able to take work lunches but never have lunch with him? “If you make him feel like he always comes last, when you get home he’s going to remind you that he exists. Ask yourself,”When was the last time I made my partner feel like he matters?”

4. It’s Not About The Work

It’s about the way you work and how that affects her. Arguments are rarely about the content, they’re about what the content evokes in people. Instead of trying harder to get her to see your point, try harder to see her point. If you hold up her flag for her, she can let go of it, and that gives her room to see your flag.

* This advice was adapted in a recent blog post on fatherly.com.

Looking for more guidance? You’re in luck: October Workshop Class Topic #2 (tomorrow!) is Pursuing Passion: From the Office to the Bedroom. Sign up here.