Esther Perel's Blog, page 6

Para las parejas eróticamente inteligentes, el amor es un recipiente que contiene tanto seguridad como aventura, y el compromiso ofrece uno de los grandes lujos de la vida: el tiempo. El matrimonio no es el fin del romance, es el comienzo.

This 24 minute talk from a wonderful conference in Mexico City called Ciudad de las Ideas in the fall of 2015. The talk is introduced in Spanish, and switches to English at 2:10. Enjoy.

 

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“I’ve been dating a woman for three weeks, but after we had sex for the first time, she’s stopped texting me back. WTF?” – Edward, 36

Rejection has always been a part of the relationship landscape. But are the new trends of ghosting, icing and simmering increasing our acceptance of ambiguous ends?

Last month, I spoke about modern love at a conference with 2,500 millennials. There, I was introduced to these new norms of intimate relationships and the corresponding vocabulary (we made you a chart, with the help of my friend Adam Devine).

These tactics of maintaining unclear relationships and prolonging break-ups all produce what I call stable ambiguity; too afraid to be alone, but unwilling to fully engage in intimacy building — a holding pattern that affirms the undefined nature of the relationship, which has a mix of comforting consistency AND the freedom of blurred lines.

We want to have our cake and eat it too. We want to have someone available to cozy-up with when it’s snowing, but if something better comes along, we want the freedom to explore.

In this relationship culture, expectations and trust are in constant question. The state of stable ambiguity inevitably creates an atmosphere where at least one person feels lingering uncertainty, and neither person feels truly appreciated or nurtured. We do this at the expense of our emotional health, and the emotional health of others.

It’s time to bring back relationship accountability.

In situations like Edward’s, the ghostee hopes the ghosted will just “get the hint,” as opposed to having to communicate that he/she is no longer interested. However, inaction has causality. At first, Edward runs the gamut of reasons he hasn’t heard back: She must have a really busy work week. She lost her phone. She doesn’t want to seem too eager. At first, relaxed and patient, Edward tries to be understanding, but his attempts at insight soon morph into uncertainty and self-doubt. Am I bad in bed? Did I say something to offend her? Am I unlovable? In the absence of information, he will fill the gaps, and what he imagines is most likely worse than reality.  

Ghosting, icing, and simmering are manifestations of the decline of empathy in our society — the promoting of one’s selfishness, without regard for the consequences of others. There is a person on the other end of our text messages (or lack thereof), and the ability to communicate virtually doesn’t give us the right to treat others poorly.

I encourage you to end relationships respectfully and conclusively, however brief they may be. Act with kindness and integrity. This allows both people to enter into his/her next relationship with more experience and a clear head, rather than filled with disappointment and insecurity.

Ideas to incorporate into a final conversation:

Thank you for what I’ve experienced with you.
This is what I take with me, from you.
This is what I want you to take with you, from me.
This is what I wish for you, hence forward.

Of course, duos dancing in the stable ambiguity zone don’t always end in breakup. Sometimes this state is the training wheels period needed for one or both parties to realize he/she wants something more. This is normal for a brief, beginning phase, but not as the defining mode of a relationship.

Have you been ghosted? How did it feel? Do you wish you could redo a break-up? Leave your comments below: I would love for you to be part of this conversation.

The post ASK ESTHER: Stable ambiguity and the rise of ghosting, icing and simmering appeared first on Esther Perel.

Thanks to everyone who participated in my first live Twitter Q&A. A lot of great questions came through. Although I was not able to answer all of them in the allotted time, here are some of the highlights. Stay tuned for the next twitter Q&A on August 19th at 11am EST.

Question 1: What is the most common misconception about sex from a male perspective? From a female perspective?

 

 

 

Knowing what you don’t like is not the same as knowing what you like.

 

Question 2: What is the best way to move on and find love again after being broken hearted in your 40s?

 

It takes time to move on from a broken heart and to reconcile all these parts & one day your eyes open again & You’re ready to let someone in.

 

Question 3: Is it selfish to think one deserves more? Is there DESERVE in DESIRE?

Ours is an era where we feel we deserve to satisfy our desires. Selfishness is in.

 

Question 4:  What are the best concerns/questions to gauge sexual and relationship compatibility?

Relationship compatibility: shared values, vision, humor, attraction, intellect and trust.

 

Question 5: Don’t you think performance and satisfaction are somehow linked? (Performance defined below)

 

Outcome i.e. : an orgasm or cumming.

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The transition from two to three is one of the most profound challenges a couple will ever face. It takes time — time measured in years, not weeks — to find our bearings in this brave new world. Having a baby is a psychological revolution that changes our relation to almost everything and everyone. Priorities shift, roles are redefined, and the balance between freedom and responsibility undergoes a massive overhaul.

Micah, 41, asks me: “My wife and I have a 6-month old boy. The past few months have been a whirlwind, I’m starting to find my place within our new little family, but our sex life hasn’t yet recovered. What do I need to be thinking about to make this transition better for us?”

The making of a family calls for a redistribution of resources (time, energy, money, hours in bed) and for a while, the couple takes a back seat. New parents are sleep deprived, often their sensuality is redirected to the baby, and sex is moved to the bottom of the priorities list. This is a transition no one can prepare for. A new baby often results in a sexual dry spell for the parents that extends beyond the months it takes to recover from birth – in some cases, it can go years. But do children extinguish the flame of desire, or is it the adults who fail to keep the spark alive?

Here are five ideas to make space for yourself and your partnership, after the birth of your first child: 

1.) It takes a village.

If you don’t live near your relatives (or your relatives aren’t able or willing to help with childcare), you need to create a family of choice. These are neighbors/friends/peers who can watch your children, and you reciprocate for them and their children, too. Avoid the callous atomization that American society puts parents in, and make this new experience as collective as possible. Having a family of choice to rely on will free you of feeling like the entire burden of responsibility for your little smurfs rests only with you. A larger support system also helps young parents have alone time.

2.) Stay out late.

Plan one curfew-free night every 6-8 weeks. Get a sitter or put the child to sleep at a friend or family member’s home (someone who won’t care how late you pick up your child). Go out all night and don’t worry about when you have to be back home. This gives you excitement for your outing and a glimmer of your past life. Just because your children have structured bedtime, doesn’t mean you have to live like that as well. Every once in awhile, go out and allow yourself to experience open-endedness that reconnects you to the sense of possibility and freedom.

3.) Make nice meals easier.

You don’t have to sacrifice those elaborate meals of pre child life. Shift cooking meals from a chore to a quick and lively part of your evening. Eat at home and eat together, but cook simply and as quickly as possible without being unhealthy.

Look into services like hellofresh.com or blueapron.com which deliver ingredients for dinners, along with the step by step recipe cards to prepare the meals.
Plan a prep day early in the week to prepare ingredients with your child. Rather than choosing between playing with your child or cooking, you can involve the children in the prep process. Give them safe little jobs like putting ingredients in bowls, tear lettuce for salads, etc.
If you use a nanny/babysitter, have that person shop for your groceries and prep them ahead of your arrival home for dinner. Make sure that the babysitter is there to help you — not only to play with your child.

4.) Prioritize alone time.

Make sure that each person in the couple has time to him/herself and commits to preserving some form of personal intimacy. Alone time is critical for an individual to feel complete.

5.) Break your routine and plan couple time, together.

The important word here is plan. Structure breeds freedom. Especially after the birth of your first child. This concept is often hard to grasp, since it’s the opposite of what you probably used to think. Make sure that the couple has time for itself, without the baby. Break the schedule that parenting has forced you into by planning together.

Schedule together time, in advance. Build anticipation and mystery around the activity itself. Anticipation is important, as it connects us to our imagination (the antidote to responsibility).
When you finally get out on that rare date night, do not spend the time talking about the children.
Do something new and different. Skip the typical movie night, and instead, plan an experience that’s new. Novelty breeds testosterone.
Plan together. For many couples, it helps if one person is responsible for the adult end of the planning (date night activities, researching vacations, booking reservations, etc.), while the other focuses on the kid’s end (reserving babysitters, packing overnight bags for the grandparent’s house, etc.). Systemic distribution; one partner holds vigil for the family, the other focuses on the couple. Remember how much you need each other, and practice being grateful for your complementarity. Be watchful not to blame your partner for not focusing on the the same important priorities as you.

The post When three threatens two: Sex and the transition to parenthood appeared first on Esther Perel.

Thanks to everyone who participated in my first live Twitter Q&A. A lot of great questions came through. Although I was not able to answer all of them in the allotted time, here are some of the highlights. Stay tuned for the next twitter Q&A on August 19th at 11am EST.

Question 1: What is the most common misconception about sex from a male perspective? From a female perspective?

 

 

 

Knowing what you don’t like is not the same as knowing what you like.

 

Question 2: What is the best way to move on and find love again after being broken hearted in your 40s?

 

It takes time to move on from a broken heart and to reconcile all these parts & one day your eyes open again & You’re ready to let someone in.

 

Question 3: Is it selfish to think one deserves more? Is there DESERVE in DESIRE?

Ours is an era where we feel we deserve to satisfy our desires. Selfishness is in.

 

Question 4:  What are the best concerns/questions to gauge sexual and relationship compatibility?

Relationship compatibility: shared values, vision, humor, attraction, intellect and trust.

 

Question 5: Don’t you think performance and satisfaction are somehow linked? (Performance defined below)

 

Outcome i.e. : an orgasm or cumming.

The post Recap: First Live Twitter Q&A appeared first on Esther Perel.

The following is an excerpt from my webinar session, Men and Sexuality: Challenging the Myths, with Rich Simons, Editor of Psychotherapy Networker. I draw many of these ideas from the terrific work of my colleague Marta Meana at the Univ of Las Vegas. Rich:Your sense is that there are a lot of misconceptions about male sexuality, that therapists have certain ideas and beliefs about men and their sexuality that don’t seem, in your view, very founded in your experience and in your reading of literature. So what are some of those misconceptions you think sometimes lead therapists a stray? My answer: I think you can sum it up in few categories quiet easily: men are creatures of biology and women are creatures of meaning. Sexuality in men is more frequent, more stable, the preferences are set more early, it’s more rigid, it’s more narrow, it’s biologically driven, it’s concordant with their physical arousal, and it is less affected by mood or intrastate or interpersonal, and it’s less related. But it is not because women care more about something that men care not at all. More or less doesn’t turn something into a categorical difference. The notion that sexual desire in men is uncomplicated, it’s a simple biological force that is either indiscriminately seeking an outlet or impaired by hormonal deficiency – this notion is one that men’s mood does not affect them, in fact we know that depression and anxiety are no less strong factors influencing male sexual desire; 42% of men respond to depression, 28% to anxiety but what is different maybe is that men will use that internal state to turn to sex, to regulate their mood, so the same experience of anxiety in men will often lead to turn to sex, to masturbation in that sense, to actually relieve them of that mood or that male sexuality is not related, when in fact so much of what we know is what turns men on more than anything is partner’s desire male or female, partner’s pleasure and their contribution pleasure of their partner and to a partner feeling good about themselves, and so it’s extremely related. Or male sexuality being affected by shame about this thing that societies all along made look like dirty, as predatory, as dangerous, an aggressive, so there is a lot of shame, there is a lot of guilt: “I don’t want to hurt anybody”, and there is a lot of fear of rejection and fear of inadequacy. And if these are not relational components I don’t know what other way to look at male sexuality. Who is rejecting them: a partner, who makes them feel inadequate? A partner. Who makes them feel guilty or with whom they feel guilt? A partner. It is extremely relational and so I think that men are often more lonely than selfish in their experience of sexuality and that we often emphasize the selfishness of male sexuality and not loneliness. And we often emphasize the aggressive and violent part of male sexuality and not vulnerability and as I am I like to look at the sides that are less presented because they get obscured in favor of others that have truth to them but they don’t capture the whole picture.

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My patient Rachel, 29 tells me: ‘I’m single and I love sex. I love the skin-on-skin contact, and also the orgasms. But it’s not helping me find a boyfriend. I sleep with men on the first date, but then I find they don’t want to see me again.’

Rachel has been single for six years. ‘I’m a lusty woman in my twenties, and I want to have sex. What’s wrong with that? But I feel judged by men when they don’t contact me again.’

It doesn’t sound to me that the men necessarily judge Rachel, but perhaps the men were just interested in sex and not a relationship. That said, when we invite people for dinner, we enjoy receiving a thank-you note that acknowledges the pleasure of being together. So I certainly understand Rachel’s disappointment, and her feeling of being dismissed afterwards.

Unfortunately, in our culture we can easily feel disposed of, replaced and insignificant. Too often people lack the kindness and grace that should accompany a sexual encounter, even if it is a recreational one. So many women (and men) wonder the next day if the pleasure of the encounter was even mutual.

I wish I could say, ‘What’s wrong with being a lustful woman?’ Feminism has brought women more equality, more dignity, and more power. But still, the playing field is not equal. Many women hope that if they offer themselves sexually, love will flourish. I wonder sometimes to what extent the scarcity of sex in the past forced men to be more patient; to romance, to put more emphasis on seduction and foreplay. And I don’t mean the five minutes before the “real thing”, i.e. penetration – I mean the entire pleasure dance.

I tell Rachel that if she does not feel 100 percent OK after an encounter, then these sexual trysts may not be for her. If it’s truly pleasurable (and I’m all for enjoying sex and exploring your sexuality), then she should feel good about having these experiences.

I also hear she wants a relationship and she has noticed a pattern. When she has sex the first night, it doesn’t turn into a relationship. To me, if something isn’t working, it makes sense to try a new approach. So if she holds off, she will own the situation. I’m not saying Rachel needs to play hard to get; I’m saying that if a guy is interested in a relationship with her, he’d have the patience to wait for sex (how long depends on Rachel and that guy).

Like Rachel, many women need to start by getting to know the guy, see if they like him, if they enjoy his company. That is quite different from gauging if you are attracted to someone or making sure that he is attracted to you. Discovering your similarity of interests and values, the sense that he is interested in you, the person and not as a means to an end – all of these are better predictors of qualities that lead to having a relationship.

If Rachel is sexually frustrated after one of these nights of meeting up with a man and getting to know him, I’m sure she knows how to pleasure herself! Maybe think of it as teasing herself until she can have him. Soon, but not now.

It’s just a matter of trying out a different approach – the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different results.

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One of the new rituals of commitment is deleting the Tinder app. “I’ve deleted my Tinder app” is the new “I’m going to be with only you.” It’s one of the new rituals. It just is.

Consumerism has entered relationships. A lot of this creates the paradox of choice. To have choice is wonderful. To have too many choices can be psychologically crippling.

By definition, choice and commitment implies loss. You choose something, you lose something. In our culture the paradox of choice is such that people have become loath to lose anything.

But people are not products. What you choose is not the best, it’s simply what you choose. And therefore it is what you want. It’s not the best. It just is. Choosing requires you to have agency. You can’t just leave everything to the other to enlighten you and turn you on.

There is this idea that the other person has to be so phenomenal that you don’t want to look anywhere else. This fantasy that there is someone out there who is so extraordinary that he/she is going to make you stop looking. That he/she is going to curb your temptations. No. You are going to curb your temptations.

Yes, there could be something more and better out there. But looking and waiting for that makes you crippled. You are living with a chronic disappointment. A chronic displeasure. If you’re constantly wondering if this is the best relationship, then you must ask yourself: What have I done to make it the best relationship lately? Because it’s your responsibility too.

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It is probably less widespread than the media makes it out to be, and more widespread than people make it out to be. But first you must ask yourself: are you talking about sharing spouses in lifestyle choices, swinging or polyamory?

Basically this question introduces the question about monogamy and consensual non-monogamy, and the concept that monogamy is a continuum.

Non-vanilla, non-socially licensed practices happen underground, or at least in the privacy of people’s homes. Either privately or secretly. What the Internet has done is taken the underground and given it a platform. We will never know the full truth, because we only talk about what is acceptable to talk about.

Is sharing spouses the new norm? No. Is it part of the exploration for a new norm? Yes. If you share your spouse, you are seeking ways to integrate their need for stability with their need for emotional and sexual feeling. It is in this idea of reconciliation that the idea of sharing takes place, without all the havoc and heartbreak that secret non-monogamy can bring.

So it’s not widespread, but it’s becoming more mainstream. Sexual choices change throughout history. The two most important mainstreaming practices these days are the BDSM lifestyle and oral sex, while pedophilia has become the curse of them all. Things come to the fore, and others completely receed because of the soil change.

Sexual practices and the normality typically go hand-in-hand with other changes in society. That’s why you’re seeing “sharing spouses” more mentioned and talked about. The new conversation is about the new monogamy, not contraception or premarital sex. This is the new frontier

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I always pay attention to the language that we use when describing our predicaments. Because language shapes the experiences we have. And because most couples don’t have the tools to speak openly and effectively about sex. They are under the influence of the stories they tell themselves. Meaning: if you talk about your about your husband or wife as vanilla, and that has become your prime construct for describing them sexually, then I would say you should start watching the way that your language tries to capture your experience, but instead limits possibilities for change. Some people not only are not open to experiment with different things, but will also make you feel so bad about it that, after a while, you will start questioning your motives, desires and so on. Some of my clients even call themselves “perverts” only because they want to try positions that are common in other couples’ sexual encounters. So the language you use will constrain you.

By implication if you have described yourself as more adventurous, or open-minded, or trying-all-kinds-of-things. And now, whatever your partner, no matter what they do, you’ll interpret it as vanilla. It’s confirmation bias. We see what we want to see. So a descriptor can actually be restrictive. What makes this even trickier is if your partner knows that you think they are vanilla in bed. In a way, they might be building up worries and resentment towards the whole situation, which will soon backfire. If he or she feels that they are already going out of her comfort zone, then they expect some level of acknowledgement or appreciation but instead what they receives is a label. So they might be thinking “No matter what I do, I can never meet my husband’s/wife’s expectations,” which would be further discouraging to them. The question of how people introduce their partners into new forms of sexual play or experience is a very delicate thing. Because preferences are often hard-edged, and so are dislikes and disgusts. Everything operates on a track between the stuff that excites you more and the stuff that turns you off. And to make these two tracks match is a real art — it’s like two people jamming together. Men and women complain about the same things. It’s a popular topic that sex therapists discuss.

Ironically, not only do we get the same complaints on both sides, we can get them from two people in the same relationship. So while a man complains about his “vanilla” wife, the wife complains about her insecure husband, to whom she cannot express her preferences because he takes it immediately as criticism and a sign of inadequacy. So let’s start here: Have you ever talked with your partner about your conflicted feelings? Not during the sex and not during the act, but outside the bedroom? And not just to say “I’m unhappy about this,” but to say that when he/she does do things you like, that you appreciate that. Does he/she actually feel appreciated? Ask them questions. What’s it like for them? And is there a way you can make it more pleasurable for them? Or more of anything that they might be yearning for (more connected, more intimate, more ravished, etc.). You may say, “I’ve asked him/her ten times and she never says anything.” But that’s only the first step. You must begin a conversation with questions like “What would make sex more exciting for you? Are there things you would like to do? When do you feel most free? When do you feel the most attraction? What is the compliment you would like to receive?” Most women would love to receive this kind of communication from their partner. And not just during sex to say, “I’m coming.” I mean, do you have a good sense of how you turn your husband/wife on? Of how he/she gets excited by you? About how you can bring them into a state of ecstasy or surrender? And don’t be embarrassed to tell me “I don’t know,” or that the only place you’ve seen female satisfaction is in porn. Because it’s very, very different for women.

In most porn there is no body touch. And everything she may like, for example, may have to do with various types of touch. Fast touch, slow touch, deep touch, slow and circular touch, shallow lines, or dotted and interrupted lines, going down one straight line or suddenly going in a different direction because of that feeling of the unknown — she doesn’t know where it’s going to go next. Also have in mind that in a long-term relationship, especially between married individuals, the expectations and the role of sex will vary from what it was with all the people each of you have been with before.

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