Esther Perel's Blog, page 3

“How do you get the confidence to go up to someone in real life?” – Jaime 

In today’s video, I answer this question from Jamie in Florida. 

The bottom line is that we all want to create meaningful connections with others. Human connection and being seen by another person is a fundamental human experience.

Most of us also have a deep rooted fear of rejection.

I remember how insecure I felt when I arrived to this country, because I had such a thick accent. The worst was starting a conversation, or talking over the phone. Then I noticed that one of my teachers was turning what seemed like a liability into an asset. He too had an accent — maybe ever more pronounced than mine. I learned to leverage my point of difference, and highlighted my accent, instead of trying to hide it. Instead of fearing ridicule, I realized it invited a natural entry into conversation. 

When dating and seeking connections with others, we can hide behind screens and profiles. Step outside of your comfort zone, and try to connect with someone in real life. 

I want to hear from you, how are you connecting with people in real life? 

The post Video: Start Conversations with Confidence appeared first on Esther Perel.

Recently the dating app Tinder gave January 8th, 2017 the moniker “Dating Sunday”. The first Sunday after New Year’s Eve is one of the most trafficked days of the year for those swiping left or right. It is no surprise that as the new year arises you are considering new paths, new resolutions and that new somebody, so I decided to put together a two-part series to help you navigate the complex terrain of the online dating.  

How to Deal with Online Dating Fatigue

“I’ve been online dating for a while and I’m tired of the endless messaging back and forth and having to come up with witty banter that never evolves into meeting up. No one seems serious. How do I actually meet people?” – Tessa, 29

I was at a dinner in Paris recently and everyone was exchanging those stories that never fail to captivate us: the “how I met my partner” fairytale.

One woman told a story about how when she was living in a fifth-floor walk-up, she threw a banana peel out the window that landed on a man’s head. That man walked five floors to return the banana peel and never left.

This narrative of charming happenstance is rapidly disappearing in the digital age where every interaction is curated in advance. With over 40 million Americans dating online, a fatigue has taken hold as a result of the endless swiping, messaging and communicating that it takes to reach the moment of setting eyes upon a flesh-and-blood human being.

So how do you negotiate the never-ending supermarket of people online and reinvigorate yourself so that you can find new opportunities for curiosity, playfulness and real life interactions?

Be Open To What’s In Front Of You

While online dating has proven successful, with millions meeting and marrying through these platforms, it is not the only path to connection.

It’s no mistake that in parallel to the isolating digital fortresses that we have built around ourselves, there is also a proliferation of festivals, dance parties and events where people gather, brush forearms and enjoy the presence of others. Open your eyes to the people that cross your path every day.

Challenge yourself to counter your discomfort and turn to the person who is smiling at you on the subway, in a café or sitting next to you on the airplane. The most banal chitchat – a snowstorm, the delayed C train, the breed of someone’s puppy – opens intriguing possibilities for interaction and real life connection.

If you are particularly nervous about approaching strangers, think of a specific question or interest of yours that you want to raise to start the conversation. Remember, life is always unfolding right in front of us. Stay open to the surprises that it holds.

Check Yourself: Are You Delaying Meeting Up?

Online dating has become a form of entertainment for some – there is great appeal to the swiping, the heart-pulsing that jolts with the ding of your phone and the epistolary wonders of writing witty texts at 2am.

As evidenced by the question Tessa asks, this can quickly lead to frustration when you never actually meet in person. But Tessa may also need to ask herself if she is stalling. Delaying tactics, such as simmering or icing, detailed in this relationship chart, are easy online. They can happen for a number of inexplicable reasons – perhaps the other person is not actually serious about dating or they simply feel uncomfortable about meeting face to face.

Engage in the delicious play of flirting and teasing your potential date through words but also try accelerating the meeting process. Send a message to the effect of: “I love chatting online but I’d prefer to get on the phone, here’s my number”. A phone conversation will quickly tell you if you want to meet in person. If you prefer real interaction, set a time and meet at your favorite bar. You have nothing to lose.

Take Breaks

Many people I speak to experience the initial sense of exhilaration that online platforms open up, which can rapidly evolve into frustration, boredom, and fatigue,  even more so, feeling defeated when their expectations are not met. These feelings are true to offline dating too but the sheer number of options online can accelerate this exhaustion. But you are free to take a break. You have the agency to log out. Which doesn’t mean you have to stop dating – you can stay open to the possibilities of meeting someone at a concert, on a bus or on your way to meeting your friend. Be kind to yourself so that taking a break doesn’t feel like a failure, just a shift in your current approach.

Put Your Friends On The Case

A recently divorced friend of mine sent out an email to all his friends, letting them know that he is interested in being set up. As his friends, we are well acquainted with his likes and dislikes, the kind of people he would find attractive and his hobbies and interests. We care about his romantic happiness and are willing to play a part.

Send an email to your friends and ask to be introduced or set up with their friends. I always say to people when I set them up that I can’t promise chemistry but I can promise that they won’t be bored and wonder, what the heck am I doing here?

Let me know how your online dating is going. Are you tired, bored or exhilarated by the possibilities online? Or tell me the story of how you met your partner – whether it be in real life or via online dating.

The post How to Deal with Online Dating Fatigue appeared first on Esther Perel.

“The whole fauna of human fantasies, their marine vegetation, drifts and luxuriates in the dimly lit zones of human activity, as though plaiting thick tresses of darkness. Here, too, appear the lighthouses of the mind, with their outward resemblance to less pure symbols. The gateway to mystery swings open at the touch of human weakness and we have entered the realms of darkness. One false step, one slurred syllable together reveal a man’s thoughts.” — Louis Aragon 

The post Quote of the Month: Fantasy appeared first on Esther Perel.

When we say “infidelity,” what exactly do we mean? Is it a hookup, a love story, paid sex, a chat room, a massage with a happy ending, sexting, watching porn, staying secretly active on dating apps?

There is no universally agreed-upon definition of what even constitutes an infidelity. However the one I use include three elements:

A secretive relationship, which is the core structure of an affair
An emotional connection to one degree or another
A sexual alchemy, alchemy being the key word because the erotic frisson is such that the kiss that you only imagine giving, can be as powerful and as enchanting as hours of actual lovemaking. As Marcel Proust said, it’s our imagination that is responsible for love, not the other person.

For the past ten years, I’ve traveled the globe, working extensively with people who have been affected by infidelity. In this video, I discuss one of the most important elements of relationships: trust. Once broken, can trust be regained? I believe that betrayal runs deep, but it can be healed. Watch my thoughts here.

The post Once Trust is Broken, Can it Be Healed? appeared first on Esther Perel.

“[Eroticism is] the poetry of the body, the testimony of the senses. Like a poem, it is not linear, it meanders and twists back on itself, shows us what we do not see with our eyes, but in the eyes of our spirit. Eroticism reveals to us another world, inside this world. The senses become servants of the imagination, and let us see the invisible and hear the inaudible.” – Octavio Paz

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“I think there must be something wrong with me, Linus. Christmas is coming but I’m not happy. I don’t feel the way I’m supposed to feel.” – Charlie Brown in A Charlie Brown Christmas

Charlie Brown immortalized the uncanny dissonance of the holiday blues in this classic Christmas tale. I first heard about the holiday blues when I was working at a psychiatric hospital in Cambridge and my colleague said to me in September: “These beds will all be full by the beginning of December”. I thought it was strange that at a time centered around happiness, fellowship, harmony and family, people find themselves lonely, sad, depressed — even suicidal. Clearly, the holidays are laden with expectations – expectations that have been built upon a foundation of years of nostalgia or, alternately, disappointment.

While some of us look forward to the holidays, others dread the impending stress that comes from overdrinking, overeating and over consuming. Many of us remember those who are no longer with us — family members who have passed, marriages that ended, and relationships that have been severed. Holidays propel us back into old family conflicts which faithfully resurface each year, which can deepen our sadness and unease.

Here are some ways you can lighten your expectations and ease the holiday blues. They are a holiday offering for you. Pick and chose as you like, rather than another dreaded list of to-do’s that you must get done by the year’s end.

Reassess your priorities

As the year closes, we feel pulled by an array of demands: attending office parties, cooking elaborate meals, traveling and spending beyond our means. What would actually bring you the most pleasure this holiday? Make a list of your holiday “shoulds”. Get inspired by Ellen Burstyn’s “should-less” days. See if you can cross off at least two or three items from your list.

Then, make a new list – of things that will bring you meaning and pleasure. How can these two lists be combined? For instance, if you want to reconnect with old friends but you are planning to cook a complicated meal to impress them, what if everyone brought a dish, instead? Collaborate with family and friends by letting them know how you feel about the holidays – you may be surprised to find they feel the same way – and together, find creative ways to ease holiday anxiety.

Give to those who need it most

The old adage is true: there is nothing that makes you feel less alone and less unworthy than to help others. For years, when my children were young, we would volunteer in a soup kitchen on Christmas day. The holidays offer so many opportunities to give to the community. And you will find that your act of altruism has the benefit of making you feel better, while also creating a sense of meaning that cuts through the superficialities of the holiday season. Here’s a list of possibilities for helping others in New York, or to find opportunities in your area, a quick internet search should lead you in the right direction.

Surround yourself with your family of choice

Many of us do not spend the holidays with those that we love the most. What I seek in the holidays is gathering, conviviality and warmth – a beating back against the cold through the fellowship of others. Create a place where you can be with those who accept you, free from judgment and awkward political conversations. If you feel isolated, far from your family, have a gathering of “the exiled and orphans.” This kind of fellowship brings great solace during the holidays.

Find some time for spiritual introspection

When I lived in Jerusalem, despite being Jewish, every year I would pick a different church to attend midnight mass. Regardless of your religion, being in a room where songs are sung, candles are lit and humans gather together can be uplifting, helping you to shift your focus from doing to simply being.

How are you handling the holidays this season? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below. 

The post How to Ease the Holiday Blues appeared first on Esther Perel.

“Seduction is really about your untapped power that you are not using that you want to release. Seduction is about charm, connection, vulnerability, pride, self-confident and appeal.”  — Chen Lizra, Social Entrepreneur, Somatic Life Coach, Author of My Seductive Cuba, and dancer.

On a recent trip to Miami, a friend took me to a salsa club in Little Havana. I love to watch people dance. Especially salsa, rumba and tango. These luminous forms of dance are based on seduction. Watching couples twirl around the dance floor reminded me of a TED Talk by Chen Lizra titled “The power of seduction in our everyday lives.” Chen learned the art of seduction through her travels and studies with professional Cuban salsa dancers. She believes that seduction is an essential life skill that can be taught and made one’s own.

Watch the video and let us know in the comments what you think about the power of seduction.

Additional resources on the topic:

TED Talk: The secret to desire in the long-term relationship
Recent blog post on the art of flirting

The post The Power Of Seduction appeared first on Esther Perel.

“During the holidays my husband and I always have a crazy schedule of parties and obligations. We get dressed up and spend more time out together than we do all year, but December is a tough time to actually connect with one another. How can we enjoy each other this exhausting season?” – Sari, 45

Everyone remembers the moment when you were standing in a crowded party and you made eye contact with someone standing across the room. The electricity. The frisson. The delicious possibility of circling this attractive stranger the entire evening. You looked up, then looked away. And so it began.

The word “flirt” comes from the French word “fleuret” — in English translation means “foil” — one of the three swords used in fencing. When using a foil, points can only be won using the tip of the weapon. To flirt is to play with the tip of the sword. To tease. To gently touch. To tantalize. It’s about playing with possibility, not going in for the kill.

You want to see flirting in action? Watch *this.

This dance piece of human’s imitating animal mating rituals shows us the active game of give and take that is flirtation. It’s called pacing in the animal kingdom. Humans do it too. We advance and withdraw. We circle. This is an essential, playful ingredient of seduction and excitement. It is about possibility. Anticipation. Fantasy.

With a long-term partner, it can feel as if the dance is over. However, we can bring back a sense of excitement and anticipation to our relationships. But we must do it with intentionality. No different than the intentionality that lurked behind the first glance. Here’s a little menu of ideas to create space for flirtation. Pick one you like, and give it a try this month.

Think of the whole evening as a canvas for seduction  

Even though you may know the outcome, there are so many ways to be playful with each other through the course of the night.

Make a playful pact not to talk or touch for part of the party, only to make eye contact.
Send a suggestive text during the course of the evening. It’s all about talking about sex, without talking about sex. Hint, allow the anticipation to mount, and stoke curiosity — refrain from throwing the idea of sex onto the other person’s face.
In lieu of departing for a night out from your home together, drop a note that says, ”I saw you in the elevator, has anyone told you how bright and piercing your eyes are? If you are available this evening, I will meet you at 8pm in front of [Fill in the blank of the address of your event].” And meet there.
Introduce yourself to your partner at the party, as if you are meeting them for the first time. Remember, you cannot be self-conscious and play, so really go for it – give your best acting 101 performance.  

Break your own rules

We experience freedom when we break rules. Any small incursion into the illicit and the transgressive with your partner can be really enlivening.

Let go of guilt and don’t follow the typical schedule for the day or the evening ahead. Leave the party early and get a drink together on the way home.
Close the bedroom door after the babysitter arrives and dedicate the beginning of the evening to each other. Then go to the party late.
Skip the event altogether, and go for a walk instead.

Flip the script

Columnist Dan Savage often recommends couples to “fuck first.” You pick out the perfect outfit, bake the cookies, buy the wine with a matching bow, and travel to the event. After hours socializing, stuffing yourself, and drinking, by the end of the evening, the last thing you want to do is seduce your partner. Instead, get intimate before leaving the house, so you’re energized and avoid performance anxiety and disappointment if nothing happens when you get home.

To make this season more enjoyable, remember that anything that takes you out of the predictable or introduces risk or disobedience, opens the door to pleasure. Happy holidays.

Are you struggling to connect with your partner during this busy season? What was flirting like in the beginning between you and your partner? Leave a comment on the blog. I would like to hear your stories.

*I have no connection to this company, do not endorse the product – but enjoyed this artistic interpretation of courtship.
Image Source: Cab Calloway

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Are you cliterate?

“Being cliterate is understanding female sexuality, privileging female sexuality, respecting female sexuality.” – Ian Kerner, Sex Therapist and NYT Bestselling Author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman

Female sexual anatomy and information about pleasureable sex have been primarily neglected in the education system. Women are having a lot more sex, but is it pleasurable? Is it satisfying? Orgasm is not the sole proof of her satisfaction. There are various connected elements of erotic bliss that lead to a crescendo of pleasure — body awareness, relaxation, presence, and fantasy to name a few. Understanding the female anatomy is a building block to enjoying one’s own body, and pleasing someone else is one important way we can begin to….

“As many as three quarters of women can’t orgasm from vaginal penetration alone. In fact, just eight percent of women can reliably orgasm this way, studies estimate. An ilcliterate individual might write off such information as proof that women just aren’t as sexual as men or that their bodies aren’t hardwired for pleasure. But women who are in same-sex relationships have similar orgasm counts to men and achieve climax in the same amount of time as their hetero male counterparts. The same is true when women pleasure themselves. Women’s bodies are not the problem. The problem is that most of us don’t have a full understanding of how they work.” – Huffington Post, Cliteracy Project 

Many thanks to the team at Huffington Post and Cliteracy for spreading awareness and education on the female pleasure center. Watch the video below by Huffington Post’s Cliterate re-educator, Jenny Block and let us know what you think.

Clitorial Anatomy Fast Facts:

The clitoris is not located inside the vagina. In fact, the “vagina” only refers to the genital opening and passage
The clitoris has executive tissue that swells when aroused
The clitoral structure in entirely is actually fairly equal in side to the penis
The clitoris has twice as many nerve endings as a penis

Sex Education: The Missing Chapter from The Huffington Post on Vimeo.

Image: Huffington Post, Cliteracy Project

The post I am cliterate! Are you? appeared first on Esther Perel.

“If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?” – Ethics of the Father, Hillel

Whomever you voted for, most likely, you were surprised by the results.

This is a good moment to take stock. What does this election mean about me, and how do I connect to others?

Working with broken relationships between people who are unable to relate to one another is central to my work as a couples therapist. I help them listen, acknowledge their respective experiences, and communicate across divides.

We are experiencing a severe polarization. New conversations around the world are in dire need, and creating a safe space to dialogue is more important than ever.

When faced with otherness, we can respond one of two ways: with fear or with curiosity. The “other” may refer to your partner, sibling, neighbor, or fellow citizen. Depending on how threatened you feel, your mind and body will either contract or expand.

Many of you know me through my work on sexuality. What you may not know, is that before writing Mating in Captivity, the first 24 years of my career I was a cross-cultural psychologist, primarily focusing on race relationship, ethnic tensions, cultural and religious intermarriage, immigration and acculturation.

For decades, I have worked with groups and couples to bridge divisiveness and conflict. In Montreal, I worked with teachers and students in public schools on the tensions between the Haitian students and the Quebecois. In Belgium, I led workshops on Jewish identity which brought together a spectrum of Jews from the ultra-Orthodox community and the secular community. In the US, I worked for a decade with rabbis, educators, donors and families helping the Jewish community to open it’s doors to interfaith couples.

While we can not be knowledgeable about all cultures, we can learn how to approach those that are unfamiliar to us and understand their essential features. How can we all develop a more cultural way of thinking and increase our understanding of the multifaceted meanings of race, culture and religion?

I think we can all start by asking ourselves these four questions:

 What are the messages you received at home about “the other”? Were you encouraged to get to know them? Or were you taught to distrust or ignore them?
Did you grow up in a neighborhood that was primarily racially, ethnically, economically, religiously homogenous? Or did you grow up in a mixed neighborhood, as you see it?
Today, are you more likely to emphasize how others are similar to you, or how you may be different?
What has been your experience when you’re in the minority, vs. when you’re in the majority?

How do these questions make you feel? Are the answers what you expected? I look forward to hearing your thoughts in the comments. I ask you to be mindful of the varied views within our community, and I hope this is a productive and respectful space for us all.

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