Ira Bloom's Blog
October 2, 2016
Underlings
Recently, all my friends seem to be launching nefarious plots to take over the world. It’s the only game in town for those of us in no position to profit from the inevitable corporate oligarchy, or disenfranchised by the futile, oxymoronic absurdity of organized anarchy. Some of my friends hint at clandestine intents to undermine reality and insinuate their own expansionist solipsism into the collective unconscious. Others murmur in hushed undertones of channeling the eldritch energies of the spiraling vortex of doom to their own dubious machinations. One friend has launched a Kickstarter campaign. I contributed $5.00. It’s always best to hedge one’s bets.
Frankly, I’m not at liberty to discuss these plots in detail. This is partly out of a reluctance to thwart the plans of an evil genius who may well, one day, be our overlord. Also, out of professional courtesy. I may or may not have a few irons in the fire of my own.
What I can share, however, is my extensive research on the subject of underlings. Let’s face it: we all need them for the heavy lifting, mindless repetitious tasks, and messy wet-work. They stoke our egos, take our falls, suffer our abuse, supply a level of plausible deniability, and in a pinch, pick up our dry cleaning. No, don’t thank me. Just remember my contribution to the cause, if ever you should be in a position to dole out largess:
I feel strongly that minions are by far the superior choice for underlings. They do as they're told and can be very resourceful. They have no scruples whatsoever, which could come in handy in our line of work. They are far cheaper, in terms of operating costs, than either henchmen or interns. Back in my day, you could get minions for a dime a dozen, and even at today’s prices (2 for a nickel) they are a bargain. They will stand for almost any extremes of abuse without complaint. In fact, they thrive on it.
Henchmen are the second best choice. They are strong and intimidating, though they work best in pairs, so there is some additional expense involved. They are often ruthless, which can be useful. Sometimes you can get witty banter out of them, but they are higher maintenance than minions, and their loyalty is inversely related to their proximity, unless you are a particularly cruel master. They are generally not trustworthy.
Personally, I would never have an intern, even a good-looking one. They will cause nothing but grief, especially the unpaid ones. On the surface, they are presentable and pleasant, and the first few times you beat them, they take it well enough, but they are inclined to stew in resentment. Sometimes they smell nice, and their hygiene is better than that of either henchmen or minions, though you should regularly inspect behind the ears. They may look like a bargain at first, but you'll soon find yourself out of pocket for pizza and birthday cakes and little fez caps. They will absorb everything you teach them and make you dependent on them, until they reduce you to a gibbering fool wandering around in your bathrobe muttering about how your enemies will rue the day and cackling maniacally. Eventually they will own you.
Assistants, secretaries, receptionists and mercenaries generally expect to be paid with real currency. They rarely will accept compensation in the form of bills with your face on it, in any denomination, regardless of the quality of your inkjet printer, nor are they apt to accept promises of future rewards or a cut of the take. This puts them beyond the means of most evil geniuses. In my experience, the people who can afford them are generally happy with the status quo.
We're still about 5 years out on the steampunk robot horde technology. The prototypes look very spiffy in their monocles and bowler hats. Apple is working the bugs out of the operating system as we speak, and you'll be able to download all kinds of apps for typing and filing and crushing your enemies to a fine, bloody pulp. I'm saving my money up for a steampunk robot. In the meantime, my advice is to obtain as many minions as your cellar will accommodate.
Frankly, I’m not at liberty to discuss these plots in detail. This is partly out of a reluctance to thwart the plans of an evil genius who may well, one day, be our overlord. Also, out of professional courtesy. I may or may not have a few irons in the fire of my own.
What I can share, however, is my extensive research on the subject of underlings. Let’s face it: we all need them for the heavy lifting, mindless repetitious tasks, and messy wet-work. They stoke our egos, take our falls, suffer our abuse, supply a level of plausible deniability, and in a pinch, pick up our dry cleaning. No, don’t thank me. Just remember my contribution to the cause, if ever you should be in a position to dole out largess:
I feel strongly that minions are by far the superior choice for underlings. They do as they're told and can be very resourceful. They have no scruples whatsoever, which could come in handy in our line of work. They are far cheaper, in terms of operating costs, than either henchmen or interns. Back in my day, you could get minions for a dime a dozen, and even at today’s prices (2 for a nickel) they are a bargain. They will stand for almost any extremes of abuse without complaint. In fact, they thrive on it.
Henchmen are the second best choice. They are strong and intimidating, though they work best in pairs, so there is some additional expense involved. They are often ruthless, which can be useful. Sometimes you can get witty banter out of them, but they are higher maintenance than minions, and their loyalty is inversely related to their proximity, unless you are a particularly cruel master. They are generally not trustworthy.
Personally, I would never have an intern, even a good-looking one. They will cause nothing but grief, especially the unpaid ones. On the surface, they are presentable and pleasant, and the first few times you beat them, they take it well enough, but they are inclined to stew in resentment. Sometimes they smell nice, and their hygiene is better than that of either henchmen or minions, though you should regularly inspect behind the ears. They may look like a bargain at first, but you'll soon find yourself out of pocket for pizza and birthday cakes and little fez caps. They will absorb everything you teach them and make you dependent on them, until they reduce you to a gibbering fool wandering around in your bathrobe muttering about how your enemies will rue the day and cackling maniacally. Eventually they will own you.
Assistants, secretaries, receptionists and mercenaries generally expect to be paid with real currency. They rarely will accept compensation in the form of bills with your face on it, in any denomination, regardless of the quality of your inkjet printer, nor are they apt to accept promises of future rewards or a cut of the take. This puts them beyond the means of most evil geniuses. In my experience, the people who can afford them are generally happy with the status quo.
We're still about 5 years out on the steampunk robot horde technology. The prototypes look very spiffy in their monocles and bowler hats. Apple is working the bugs out of the operating system as we speak, and you'll be able to download all kinds of apps for typing and filing and crushing your enemies to a fine, bloody pulp. I'm saving my money up for a steampunk robot. In the meantime, my advice is to obtain as many minions as your cellar will accommodate.
