Benjamin Davis's Blog

Little Old Lady Comedy

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It took until my late twenties for all of my excessive bad habits to catch up to me. And, it was two years after that before I started (trying) to improve my health in different ways; LASIK, Yoga, trying (and failing) to quit smoking.

These four essays reflect milestones in this process and they were published over the past six months in Human Parts. I hope you enjoy them.

I was working as a journalist in Saint Petersburg when the butt pain...

My latest article about getting LASIK eye surgery in South Korea has now been published in Human Parts:

The teddy bear was a surprise. They dressed me in a blue robe and squirted a bucket-load of anesthetic into my eyes. Two nurses led me into a dark room where three giant X-ray machines waited. They laid me down under the first machine, placed a teddy bear on my chest, folded my arms around it, tucked me in with a blanket, and said, “Shhhhhhh.”

I looked up. A...

Today I am launching The Uninvited Guests illustrated by Nastia L.

“Five strange guests visit the bedroom of a young man throughout a long cold night in Saint Petersburg, Russia”

uninvited-guests.com

This will be an ongoing project that will span five months of Patreon projects. There will be updates, bonus content, and it will be exclusive to Patreon for the first month of each release.

Part One: The Domovoi is now available for Patreon supporters.

As a newsletter subscriber I am also goi...

For immediate release:

Readers’ Favorite recognizes “The King of FU” by Benjamin Davis in its annual international book award contest, currently available at: 

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07D2YYL6S.

The Readers’ Favorite International Book Award Contest featured thousands of contestants from over a dozen countries, ranging from new independent authors to NYT best-sellers and celebrities.

Readers’ Favorite is one of the largest book review and award contest sites on the Internet. They h...

The day the Second Coming of Jesus Christ revealed himself, I’d stubbed my toe really bad. I limped into the kitchen. My girlfriend, Y, had CNBC pulled up on her iPhone 8+ and they were talking about Him. He was wearing jeans, a HARVARD sweatshirt, and His name was Abu. He was floating twenty feet above the Chrysler building.

“Do you want me to get you some ice sweetie?” Y asked.

“Nuh-uh.” My toe was throbbing. I just needed a minute.

Then Abu, the Second Coming of Jesus Christ, cried out:

“I...

It was a squirrel.

And, to his credit, the doctor did say it was a trained squirrel before he let it loose. I was on the table as he said it and I thought back to my early twenties.

“I’ve got a stomach of steel!”

I’d told my friend who’d just poured me a shot of hot sauce. Then, I downed it in one. I was twenty-two.

I’m thirty now. It turned out my stomach was steel, but my colon was made up of those little flecks of dust you find floating in the air of old attics.

The doctor spoke to Y who s...

The Truth about Farting in Front of Loved Ones
A Cautionary Tale

Amazon Alexa, My Girlfriend and I are in a Love Triangle
We stood over the metal salad-mixer-bowl as my girlfriend, Y, dropped a match and set my gasoline-soaked Amazon Echo

3 Times I Tried to Find my Girlfriend’s G-Spot
(and failed)

No Eulogy for the Backpacker
Laughable Love

Failing to Fulfill my Girlfriend’s Sex Fantasy
You’ve been a bad girl…right?psiloveyou.xyz

Contemplating Gender Roles while Following my Wi...

I stood in the swank lobby of a SoHo high-rise arguing with the domesticated ex-marine leashed to the front desk. He had a hole-punch of a mouth and little black eyes. His name was Jim.

I pointed at my face. “Jim, you’ve seen my face a thousand times. Look!” I pulled at my nose, eyelids, and ears. “It doesn’t come off, Jim, this is my god-damn face. Just buzz me up.” Jim stood and shoved a thick finger in my face. “You — ” but he was cut off by the ding of the elevator. Quin came sliding out...

A small man stood in my driveway. He was waiting for me. He pointed. He had eyes like flying saucers and no nose.

He said,

“I AM KLUBBIT!”

He had a French accent. I walked outside. The sun pounded on the poor little man.

“What do you want?” I asked. “I have to get to work.”

He spoke:

“I am Klubbit! I am an emissary from Fundiks. We have come to destroy planet earth! You have become a bad society, destroying your resources and warring. YOU! You are chosen to speak for your planet. Tell us! Wh...