Denise Svajlenko's Blog: Joyful Life

My impending 39th wedding anniversary jolted me into an introspective state to dissect and learn what keeps long-term couples together. There was a high prediction from the outset that my marriage was likely to fail; after all, we started dating in High School, married noticeably young, and grew and evolved in separate ways both from one another and from our 25-year-old selves.

Any seasoned married couple will tell you that marriage is a marathon, not a sprint, and that you will experience the highest of highs, the lowest of lows, with most days simply being adequate. So how and why do two quite different people with vastly unique needs, goals and visions stay together? We all know that compromise is essential, but I wanted to examine what else was required.

Similarity of Values, Interests and More

After assessing my own marriage, I realized that one constant was that we have retained similar morals and values and have not swayed from those. We have similar interests and hobbies but also separate ones that we enjoy partaking on our own. We both receive our greatest joy from being grandparents and having a rich family history that we can share with and pass on to our grandchildren.

Nevertheless, our daily lifestyles are quite different. My husband still works full-time as he prefers more structure in his life and to keep busy by completing projects. I, on the other hand, enjoy lazier days where I fill up my time with my passions and hobbies. We understand each other’s unique lifestyle needs and have learned to accept our differences. Acceptance is at the very core of any successful union.

The Theory of the 5 Love Languages and Lasting Relationships

I was fascinated with Dr. Gary Chapman’s theory of five love languages. According to Chapman, partners have a preference of how they express love either through giving and receiving tangible gifts, physical touch, acts of service, quality of time or words of affirmation.

In reviewing my own relationship, I realized that from the beginning of our marriage, my partner and I had always held quality time for each other, had repeatedly told each other that we loved each other, and we like to hold hands and hug often. We do not have to make any special extra effort in those areas as they come naturally to both of us.

In contrast, neither of us are good gift givers nor needed or wanted to receive meaningful tangible gifts. We both prefer to buy our own presents rather than being surprised. I discovered that what we valued most was when the other partner did something special without having to be asked to.

For example, my husband often plans and makes special dinners for our celebrated occasions, and I often plan and organize special get aways and vacations. These gestures that require effort are most expressive to the other and most appreciated. According to Chapman’s theory, we share and value the same acts of service love language. Sharing the same love language(s) or at the very least, acknowledging your partner’s preferred way of showing love, is instrumental to lifelong relationships.

Personality Styles Also Play a Role in Lasting Relationships

I was also intrigued by personality styles and how they impact successful relationships. For example, how do introverts married to extroverts cohabit through life while one craves alone time and the other craves people and attention?

My husband and I are more similar in personality as our natural tendency is being alone and independent, yet we both are social in a group setting. My husband enjoys small talk with strangers and others much more than I do. I desire deep and meaningful conversations with like-minded individuals. I believe going deep is also one of my love languages, although Chapman does not identify it.

Also, I love to discuss topics such as faith, spirituality, psychology, and human nature whereas my husband prefers to discuss topics such as sports, world events, politics, and economics. I believe that we are like other heterosexual couples whereby it is our gender that determines how and what we communicate.

While I have a few close girlfriends that I go deep with, I also want to have similar talks with my partner, so I often suggest opening a bottle of wine during those times that I am requesting we focus more on my topics…. lol.

My Own Reflections

I believe Billy Joel was wrong. Clever conversation and significant discussions are necessary in any lasting union, and that’s possibly why Mr. Joel has been divorced so many times; he needed clever conversation. While it certainly didn’t happen overnight and has progressed over time in our relationship, my husband and I have learned how we can respectfully share deep conversations that fulfill both of our needs, and we have also learned when we need to respect each other’s alone time and own space.

There are so many facets to determining why long-term couples stay together but the key themes appear to be compromise, acceptance, love, and respect.

My first sip of coffee and scheduled lunch plans was what I most anticipated every work day. How I derived my first cup of the day and how I spent my lunch break was dependent on where and for whom I worked.

Several organizations created a communal coffee system for their steadfast coffee drinkers like me. We paid a nominal fee, usually a quarter or two per cup, and the monies collected covered the cost of the coffee and accessories. If you happened to be the first to arrive, then you were required to make the coffee, and if you drew the last cup, then it was your responsibility to refresh the pot. The smell of a freshly brewed pot had the power of shifting staff feelings of moodiness into genuine feelings of joy.

The places that I worked without a communal coffee plan required that I purchased my first coffee on my way to work. I am a Tim Horton’s coffee junkie, like many of my other fellow Canadians, so travelled out of my way to buy my beloved Timmy’s. The ease of the start to my work day was determined by the length of the coffee shop line-up. No line was like winning a lottery, and a speedy purchase always put a smile on my face. My morning ritual was to turn on my computer and organize my work day prior to enjoying that first sip. Any extra time afforded to me before my first meeting allowed me to savour the delightful aroma and each individual succulent sip.

The years that I commuted by train to the big city for work, required me to rethink my morning java routine. I needed a timelier pick me upper, long before my hourlong train ride ended. I learned very quickly after missing my train a few times, that I couldn’t rely on buying coffee anymore. So, I decided that I would bring my own thermos from home, to drink while riding on the train. Commuting was the least enjoyable part of my workday, but I must say, that I barely noticed the time while slurping from my convenient thermos. All the benefits reaped from drinking fresh hot coffee made the long commute ride so much more pleasurable.

One of the best organizations that I worked for announced one day, that coffee was being donated. All of the staff, including me, were ecstatic. The compassionate leadership team understood that the thoughtful gesture of providing free coffee to their employees, increased staff morale, engagement, and overall happiness. Happy employees equated to higher productivity. The employee engagement survey poll revealed that over 90% of employees working at that organization were content and enjoyed their jobs. I can honestly attest that it was my preferred organization to work for of my entire career, even if the complimentary coffee was just one of the many perks and reasons contributing to that overall work happiness.
After my morning coffee was drunk, lunch was the next event that I thought about incessantly. I likely worked through more lunch breaks than I took, particularly during the last years of my lengthy career, but the times that I was afforded an uninterrupted lunch break, I made every effort to ensure that it was most gratifying.

My early career years were spent at an organization where my home was less than a ten-minute drive to work. One of the best advantages about living so close to where I worked was that I was able to go home for lunch. My husband worked shiftwork during those years, so two weeks a month, the only time during the week that we saw each other, was during lunch. We often met up at our favourite restaurants or had our own special midday meals by ourselves at home while the kids were in school. When he was working days, I would come home and eat my set menu comprised predominantly of comfort food while watching my beloved television shows. Either a lunch date with my husband or eating lunch in my own private oasis, away from the hustle and bustle of the office, broke up my stressful day, and gave me the necessary rejuvenation that I needed to get me through the remainder of my challenging day.

My next organization that I transferred to, was a 20-minute drive away from my home and going home for lunch was no longer an option. My new place of employment was across from a beautiful waterfront trail. I kept a pair of sneakers at work and spent my lunch breaks outdoors on the trail, which brought me incredible peace. Being outside in nature is one of the best stress releasers and always puts me in a good mood. When the weather was bad, I started writing non-fiction and travel articles at work that I eventually sold to newspapers and magazines. I would close my office door and shut out the noise and create words that eventually filled my pages with stories. Writing helped break up my monotonous work day and allowed me to thrive on newfound creativity.

Engagement surveys have determined that having a best friend at work is instrumental to happiness and success. I would agree with those findings. The further I rose up the corporate ladder, the lonelier I became at work, partly because of having to work through or attend too many scheduled lunch meetings. I was so much happier at the places of employment where I was able to take a full lunch hour and where I also had a like-minded friend or friends to share those breaks with.
At a couple of jobs, friends and I experimented with different ethnic foods at lunch. We took turns finding the best places to try Thai, Chinese, Vietnamese, Japanese, Italian, Polish, Ukrainian, and so forth. At certain organizations, staff birthdays and other special rituals were celebrated that promoted relationships with our fellow team members. At other places of employment, friends and I would walk together during lunch, exploring new paths and roads. While walking, we helped each other solve our work and personal issues, and mostly supported each other in balancing our hectic work and family lives. At one job in particular, a friend and I went to the cafeteria and picked up the homemade soup. We shut our office door and poured our hearts out to each other, as we slurped our tasty daily soup. It was our sacred time to discuss everything including our triumphs, challenges, and personal stories. Most importantly, we created an unbreakable bond that would last away from those closed office walls.

While my first sip of coffee during my work day may have been crucial to cultivating a happy heart, it was my last spoonful of soup that was instrumental to nurturing a contented soul. Undeniably, it was the simplest pleasures that brought me the most gratitude and joy during my work days.

I don’t really understand why we only celebrate Valentine’s Day once a year. Perhaps my ambivalence of this single day expression of love began during my grade school years. For the annual valentine card exchange, I hoped that whatever boy that I liked that year, would show me that his feeling was mutual. As I recall, there were different strategies for selecting who was on your official valentine’s card list, but most kids, including me, gave cards to everyone in our class. I still remember hoping and praying that I would receive a very special valentine from the boy that I particularly liked. I recall comparing cards to see if mine had the bigger cupid and whether the boy printed or signed mine differently. Unfortunately, I usually left school disappointed, still wondering and asking the question, does he or doesn’t he really like me?

By High School, valentine’s cards and gifts were exchanged only between boyfriends or girlfriends. Junior high school were empty years for me; no boyfriend equated to receiving no valentine. In fact, I think one guy broke up with me just before valentine’s day. Thank goodness there wasn’t social media during my high school years. I can’t imagine being bombarded with Instagram photos of friends’ extravagant gifts, and then judging who received the most lavish gifts, so therefore must be the most admired. My peer group considered a heart necklace as the ultimate gift to be bestowed, and the best prediction of abiding and everlasting love. But was it?

During those early High School years without a significant other, I decided that I would buy my own box of chocolates and spend valentine’s day watching my favourite romcom movie. I may have been alone, but I never felt lonely on the day that signifies romance. I would overhear others comparing presents and either raving about or complaining about what they received. Fights and break-ups would ensue. Some of the girls eventually tore up their heart shaped cards, threw away any uneaten chocolates and still blooming flowers, cut the hearts out of their teddy bears, and stopped wearing their necklaces. I, on the other hand, would continue to enjoy my self purchased favourite decadent treats. I would devour each individual sweet with the same enthusiasm as a child who discovered cake for the first time. Not a single exquisite chocolate from my deluxe personally acquired box would ever be wasted or need to be thrown into the waste bucket. I wondered if my valentine’s day ritual would change when I met my special someone?

My first valentine’s day with my steady boyfriend in senior high school, was met with ambivalence. I wondered how he would surprise me and he wondered what I expected. We were still getting to know one another’s likes, dislikes, expectations, and values. My initial attraction to him was his kindness that he displayed everyday, so I really didn’t have any set expectations for valentine’s day. I’m sure he surprised me with a lovely gift, but I can’t even recall what it was. What I do remember most during our high school courtship years, was writing notes to one other, that we would tape inside each other’s lockers. I couldn’t wait to finish class, so that I could read my beloved’s daily hand written note to me. What became most significant, is that after we dated for several years, we eventually married, and have now spent over 40 valentine’s days together. We often get asked what the secret is to our lasting union and I can attest that, throughout those 40 plus years of spending Valentine’s Day together, no elaborate gifts have ever been exchanged. Then how do we celebrate?

Neither my husband nor I are adept consumer gift givers. We always surprised our daughters with special Valentine’s chocolate and treats, but we both prefer shared experiences, to material gifts. Early on as a new couple, we attempted to dine out, but learned that restaurants were overpacked, overpriced, and reservations had to be made too far in advance of our spontaneous needs. When our daughters were younger, we enjoyed family activities together. As the girls got older, and it was just the two of us, our perfect date was enjoying a lovely meal at home prepared by one or both of us, sharing a fine bottle of wine, and listening to our favourite music. Of course, the night wasn’t complete without savouring our favourite Williams chocolates. Perhaps our simplistic valentine’s celebrations may be considered too practical to other people’s grandiose romantic visions and fantasies?
After all, consumerism is at its peak during these special occasion holidays. Shops and Stores market and display their valentine merchandise the same day in December that they are removing their Christmas items. We all know that special occasion merchandise sells. People feel forced to buy a gift just in order to adhere to societal expectations. I think that is one of the reasons why Thanksgiving is the preferred holiday for many, because there are no expectations for gifts. Families gather around the dinner table for the sole purpose of expressing their gratitude and love. What then is the true purpose of Valentine’s Day?

Valentine’s greetings have been exchanged as far back as the Middle Ages. Historically, poems and letters were written and shared with loved ones, prior to the invention of ready-made cards. Today, it is estimated that 145 million cards are purchased in America. Personally, my most cherished gifts from my husband and daughters are their handwritten notes, letters, and cards that they have personally written to me on many occasions. My bedside table drawer is overflowing with these sacred treasures, that I have kept over numerous years. I even still have a couple of our high school locker notes. Why then is Valentine’s Day marketed specifically for couples?

Love is experienced in many different ways, and certainly not just in a romantic sense. What if you don’t have a significant other? Should you be prohibited from receiving affection? My biggest issue with the importance placed on the once-a-year romantically marketed celebration, is understanding why kindness and love should only be honored and followed on a single day. Is it ok to stop being nice and acting warmly to one another after the flowers have wilted and the expensive jewellery is out worn?

What I have come to learn and understand, is that kindness and love must be demonstrated to one another every day, through genuine words, actions, and quality time spent together. Only then can it be shared in abundance. It is my belief that we shouldn’t be restricted to celebrating only with a significant other and just one day a year. Love is meant to be shared with everyone, every day. The giving and receiving of love, including to ourselves, is our most important universal life lesson. Who else is in in favour of celebrating Valentine’s Every Day?

We were only hearing sad news after several months into the global pandemic. Cases were continuing to rise and new restrictions were continuously being implemented. Travel had come to a complete halt. As a part-time travel agent, I spent most of my time dealing with all the trip cancelations that my clients had previously booked. Special celebratory plans, such as milestone anniversary cruises, were scrapped, and even more disheartening, families were not permitted to visit their distant loved ones. Our oldest daughter, who lives in the UK, was expecting our first grandchild the Fall of 2020, so I turned on the news daily, hoping and praying to hear some good news. I kept wondering whether this pandemic would ever eradicate and if travel restrictions would ever be lifted. Would we be able to meet our grandson at the time of his birth? Sadly, the virus wasn’t going away and we would not be allowed to travel yet.

On September 16, 2020, we got the phone call that my husband and I had been anxiously awaiting. Our first grandson, Oscar, was born a few weeks early. My brave daughter was alone much of the time during her hospital stay, because of hospital visitation restrictions. We were all so disheartened that my husband and I couldn’t fly to the UK to meet our grandson and to be with our family to help them out during those first few pivotal days and weeks, when new parents are desperately trying to adapt to the overwhelming newness of parenthood. I can’t even imagine enduring a global pandemic when I had my children 30 years ago and cell phones were nonexistent. Thank goodness for the invention of phone apps that provide video chat, as it was the only way that we virtually met our grandson. My daughter phones us regularly, which allows us to experience Oscar’s daily routine and development and to not feel as isolated and detached. I am forever grateful.

Throughout Oscar’s first year, we all nervously awaited news if and when travel would be allowed. We decided that either my husband and I would travel to the UK or my daughter and son-in-law would travel to Canada during the summer of 2021, the first opportunity for a visit from their work schedules. My second vaccination was not yet available. They volunteered to travel to Canada despite all of the complicated logistics involved in travel planning. They were excited to see all of their family and friends in Canada and to introduce Oscar in person. We purchased the airline tickets and went online everyday to view the mandatory travel requirements. Rules were unclear, overwhelming confusing, and changed daily. We were unsure right up until they were scheduled to depart of whether quarantine would be mandatory. By the time they would be travelling, we did know that they would be required to pay for and take four separate PCR tests and complete extensive online forms. Luckily, I was able to get my second vaccination before their arrival so we all were relieved to be fully vaccinated. I prayed that there would be no travel mishaps and counted down the days until I would finally be able to hold my grandson for the first time.

Their plane was delayed and they were all exhausted when they finally landed late at night and got Oscar settled into his crib and themselves settled into their bed. I laid awake most of that first night, so eager to cuddle my grandson. I had barely slept when I heard Oscar whimper at around 6 am the next morning. I got up as I did every morning during their visit and couldn’t wait to snuggle and care for him. He was the happiest little guy, never making strange with me or anyone else, and providing endless cheeky smiles. We had our morning routine which included regular walks to our nearby park. I loved every minute spent with Oscar and felt so grateful for their visit. All of the sadness and loneliness that I felt during the uncertainly and isolation of the pandemic immediately disappeared as soon as Grammy was able to hold her beloved grandson.

My husband and I planned to travel to the UK to spend Christmas 2021 with Oscar even amidst further travel rules and restrictions. There were a series of mishaps that we endured prior to leaving. In addition to completing onerous online arrival and departure forms, we both felt it was necessary to have the third vaccination. It wasn’t available to us until mid December because of our ages. The day we became eligible, I went on various websites and made numerous phone calls until I was extremely fortunate to find bookings for both my husband and me. We felt comfortable that we both would have three vaccinations before departing. Most friends that I spoke to advised that they had to wait several weeks for their appointments, so the only explanation that I have in securing those early bookings is that somebody was looking out for us.

The next step was having the mandatory PCR test. We had confirmed scheduled appointments for late afternoon two days prior to flying. When we got to the test site, we were abruptly informed by the unapologetic receptionist that my test had been cancelled and that there was nothing that she could do to help us. While we may have panicked because we knew all testing ended by 5 pm, I calmly looked up and phoned several testing facilities as we were driving home from the facility. Unfortunately, none were available that day. MedSavvy, a pharmacy that I had never heard of, suddenly appeared on my phone. I was drawn to phone it and was answered by a very kind pharmacist who promised that he would do his best to fit us in that day, but that he was currently very busy. We immediately drove to a residential neighbourhood that we had never been to and luckily were greeted by the pharmacist who was now alone in his compact store. By what I call divine intervention, we were able to have our tests completed that day by the 5 pm cut-off and show proof of our negative results at the airport. My husband and I breathed a huge sigh of relief as we finally boarded the plane. We would finally be able to see our family.

Words can’t express how happy and thankful we were to finally hold our grandson again . Oscar had grown so much since our summer visit and was the same smiley boy who is pure joy to spend time with. Grammy was so thrilled to change his nappy, feed, bath, read and play games with him once again, and of course snuggle him. One of my favourite sayings is that when life gives you lemons, then you make lemonade. In our case, when life gives you a global pandemic, you learn how to adapt and live within this new normal. There may be additional hurdles and inconveniences to endure, but nothing is ever going to stop us from snuggling Oscar, who is our silver lining and gift during these difficult times.

My curiosity for exploring the globe began when I was a child. After being cooped up in the backseat of our family vehicle for 24 hours, we finally arrived at a gorgeous place that I would soon learn was Naples, Florida. As I jumped out of our cramped car, I immediately felt the warmth and the sunshine. Back home, the weather was freezing cold and snowy. I noticed long sandy beaches and countless large palm trees that I had never seen before. It would not take long for me to realize how much I would appreciate spending time in this lovely sunshine State. Luckily for me, I have returned to Florida almost every year for the past 50 years. From that very first cross-country road trip, my passion for travel was born.

In my twenty’s, I introduced my husband to Florida, and fortunately for me, he loved traveling as much as I did. We established a travel fund just as soon as we began our careers. Vacations were spent visiting all of the different Caribbean islands and skiing on various mountains throughout Canada and the U.S.A. Every new exploration was thrilling for me. We always met so many interesting people from all around the world. I loved hearing their stories about where they were from and how different their lives were from mine. It always made me chuckle whenever we told Americans that we were from Canada, and they asked us if we knew so and so who didn’t even live in our province, let alone city. We learned that most non-Canadians have no idea how vast and populated Canada really is.

I discovered a favorite destination and/or a special attraction, as our travel ventures expanded. Our yearly vacations were usually split between a beach and ski holiday. After touring most of the Caribbean, Aruba and St. Maarten became two of our preferred islands that we often returned to. We felt safe and fit in comfortably with the islanders as we rode the public buses and ate where the locals frequented. Aruba has a refreshing trade wind, so it never feels too hot. St. Maarten has a French and Dutch heritage, providing two uniquely different cultures to experience on one island. One of the coolest sites in St. Maarten is watching the planes take off and land from the infamous Sunset Bar on Maho Beach. British Columbia was the first destination that I flew to with my ski equipment intact. After landing in Vancouver, we drove two hours to the charming Village of Whistler. On my very first ski run the following day, I didn’t stop until I reached the bottom, and learned very quickly that skiing mountains would require a different pace than skiing the hills that I was used to back home. After a fun day on the slopes, I especially enjoyed the après ski life in the lively Village.

Before children, we also experienced many quick getaways to exhilarating U.S. cities such as Las Vegas, Los Angeles, San Diego, Boston, San Francisco, and New York City, to name a few. I was drawn to the high energy and diversity found in New York City and relished walking around Time’s Square and witnessing the new plays on Broadway. We were pleasantly surprised with the walkability in Boston and how lovely the city is. Our best excursion in Vegas was to see the guitarist Carlos Santana, where we had V.I.P. passes. Our seats were so close to Santana that we felt like we were attending his private concert. In Los Angeles, we appreciated the miles of coastal bike trails that we rode on everyday. One of our most pleasurable activities in San Francisco was biking over the Golden Gate bridge to the town of Sausalito. Another was wine tasting in the Sonoma Valley, where we found our preferred cabernet Sauvignon wines that we still purchase today.

In my thirty’s, after our two daughters were born, my husband and I both agreed that our traveling souls needed to continue on their journeys. Traveling with family was a little more costly and often required much more planning, but we obtained four passports, packed four suitcases, and escaped anytime that we could get away. We made yearly trips to Naples, Florida, to visit my mom. It was so fun for me to watch the girls do all of the things in Florida that I enjoyed doing. After crossing the border, they anxiously anticipated when it would be time to stop at Cracker Barrel, just as I had remembered from my childhood trips. Homemade biscuits anytime of the day were always a welcome treat for tired and cranky cross-country travelers.

We introduced our daughters to the Caribbean islands, ski destinations, Mexico, and ocean cruising, when they were in grade school. We often planned trips to different ski resorts with our friends and their families. Our oldest daughter learned to ski for the first time in Vermont. The quaint French village of Mont Tremblant in Quebec became one of our beloved vacation spots. All the kids from our travel packs adored getting maple syrup on sticks that had been swirled in fresh snow, almost as much as they enjoyed skiing. We ended up purchasing a vacation property in Tremblant that we retreated to in both the summer and winter.
Ocean cruising was high on our daughters’ list of favorite vacations. They liked getting dressed up for nightly dinners and tried lobster and other delicacies for the first time while on the high seas. They learned about different lifestyles and cultures from all of the delightful families that we were seated with at dinners. The girls also took advantage of the all-inclusive features of our Mexican and Caribbean Island vacations, where they sipped virgin cocktails and ate ice cream whenever they wanted, and we all enjoyed a week away from the daily grind of the school and work routines.

One of our most exciting trips was to California on one of their summer school breaks. We visited many Los Angeles tourist sites, such as Disneyland, the Santa Monica Pier and Hollywood. We didn’t pack warm clothing because we thought that it would be hotter that time of year. An unusual California cold spell required us to immediately purchase hoodies and sweatshirts that we ended up wearing the entire trip. Driving is the prominent mode of transportation in California and the traffic on the roadways is horrendous. There are six lanes on many of the highways and driving was scary. I witnessed countless accidents every day. My choice place to stay at in southern California is a fishing village called Redondo Beach, where you can buy fresh seafood right off the pier and hear the seals barking during the night. It is a lovely seaside escape that is far enough away from the hustle and bustle of busy, touristy, L.A.

On rare occasions, we left our daughters with my mother so that my husband and I could celebrate special milestones. Our most memorable trip was for our 15th wedding anniversary, when we hopped on a tour bus and visited many of the capitals of Europe, such as London, Paris, Rome, Venice, and Zurich. I don’t know if it was the bliss of discovering Europe for the first time, or just being away on our own, but we were giddy like teenagers, while uncovering this whole new world that was so foreign to us. We adored the rich history, architecture, stunning cathedrals, cobble-stone streets, and culinary cuisine in all of these very alluring capital cities. We were the only Canadians amongst a bus filled with American tourists who were similar in age to us. Every morning while getting on the bus, Roger from Texas greeted us with the acknowledgement “there’s them Canadiens”. We became a close-knit tour group and enjoyed cocktails and dinner together most evenings. One night while staying in Venice, we all took turns buying ridiculously cheap bottles of good Italian wine from the hotel lobby bar. Many in our group almost missed our early morning wake-up call the next day. My foggy husband left his expensive suit hanging in the hotel closet (that he never saw again) because we had scurried out that morning, trying not miss our bus. We noticed other passengers also frantic to get on the bus, or already sleeping in their seats. That morning, not even Roger greeted us in his usual way.

I discovered something unique that I appreciated in every country. Switzerland was the most scenic, England was the most interesting, Italy was the most fun, and France was the most romantic. The food in both Italy and Paris was superb and we savored exquisite meals at the tantalizing outdoor cafes. I remember in Paris sitting next to a pilot and his girlfriend who we chatted up while dining on escargot and filet mignon. The pilot had flown from the United States to Paris for a special date night and it happened to be a beautiful night with a clear sky, full moon, and stars galore. After dinner, my husband and I walked along the Seine River where everything was brilliantly lit and you could see reflections in the water. I know we experienced one of our most romantic nights in Paris that night, and I’m fairly certain that the pilot and his girlfriend did as well. When our whirlwind trip was over, we vowed to come back to Europe just as soon as we could, and we have since returned many times to London, Paris, and Rome.

In my forty’s, our family adventures continued as we explored more phenomenal new places. One summer we drove throughout western Canada and visited many of our relatives from both sides of our families, who resided in Manitoba, Saskatchewan, and Alberta. We especially cherished spending time with our extended family and seeing mountainous Banff and stunning Jasper for the first time. Our most memorable family voyage was our Mediterranean cruise and trip to Italy. Our daughters met friends before even boarding the ship, who they became inseparable with throughout the cruise. Our rule was that we all explored the ports together during the day, met up for our later dinner, and after dinner, the girls were allowed to attend their teen club with their friends. At our first dinner, our daughters reported that the teen club started at 11 pm every night. We told them that they were mistaken, and that it should finish by 11 pm, and even that was a little late. It didn’t take long for us to realize that we were no longer in Canada and everything in Europe, including dining, started so much later. We ended up taking turns with the parents of the friends they met ensuring that the girls returned back safely to their cabin. We were all a little tired the next day on tour, but we were captivated by the phenomenal sights of each new port.

Touring southern Italy was just as magnificent as we had remembered. We relished in all of the delicious Italian food, such as the homemade pastas and pizzas and especially the gelato. We copied the locals, walking the cobblestone streets around the entire island of Capri, which was stunningly beautiful, and we also walked the entire city of Rome, on one of the hottest days. Upon arriving in Rome, we learned that the taxis and tour companies were on strike and so our only mode of transportation was by foot or city buses. By the end of our tiring day of exploring, we became completely lost. We asked many Italians for help, but nobody understood English, and unfortunately, we didn’t speak Italian. We hopped on a public bus even though we had no idea where it was going. Our saving grace was that a lovely lady who happened to speak English was also on our bus, and she directed us back to our hotel. Even with our language barrier, our European trip was the highlight of our travels, and the one that we all still fondly reminisce about.

In my fifty’s, my husband and I became semi-retired and empty nesters. Travel became a priority for us (until COVID). Semi-retirement has allowed us to spend extended periods in Florida during the winter months, and we have visited much of eastern United States along our way to Naples. Nashville was the most entertaining city, with superb live country music playing all day and night long in the myriad of bars along Broadway Street. Hilton Head is a bike lover’s dream, where everyday we rode for miles on the beach and along the bike paths. We enjoyed the boardwalks of the eastern seaboard and particularly fell in love with the charming cities of Savannah and Charleston in South Carolina.

Two of the most beautiful places that I have visited happen to be right in Canada. We spent a week one September driving around Vancouver Island, after visiting Vancouver. Upon arriving in Tofino, the front desk attendant of our hotel told us to immediately go the beach before even unpacking, because sunshine was a rarity. We did as we were told and learned that we would need to wear our raincoats everyday while hiking the rugged trails on the Pacific coast. The highlight of our trip was catching forty pounds of salmon, while fishing in Campbell River. We even brought most of it home to our freezer and eventually served our catch to friends at future dinners where we shared stories about our fishing expedition and all of our other exciting adventures on the enticing Island. I can now understand why many couples choose to retire on Canada’s west coast in picturesque cities like Nanaimo, Tofino, and Victoria. Vancouver is one of my favorite cities in Canada.

My husband and I drove to the East Coast and visited New Brunswick, Nova Scotia, and Prince Edward Island early on in our marriage. We adored the magnificent views from the Cabot Trail and devouring the buckets of muscles that we ate at church suppers and the fresh scallops that we bought directly from seafood trucks. But we mostly adored the friendly people. We had not been to Newfoundland and Labrador yet, so decided one summer to fly to St. John’s for a quick getaway. It is true that the Newfoundlanders are the most welcoming and nicest people we have ever met. We enjoyed meeting them and hearing their entertaining stories just as much as they delighted in sharing their island pride with us and the rest of the world. When it isn’t foggy, the views from capital hill are spectacular and one of the most colorful sites in St. John’s are the houses along “Jelly Bean Row.”

Another memorable trip for us was our Greek island cruise. Santorini was my favorite Island, with the village built on a cliff overlooking the ocean. I witnessed the most glorious sunset I have ever seen in Santorini (and I am a sunset lover). My husband and I chuckled at the primitive conditions of these islands, where often the mode of transportation from the ship to the village was via donkey. Other unique cruise itineraries that we fondly remember are out of Quebec to Eastern Canada and out of California along the Pacific Northwest coast to Vancouver. Both cruises offer lovely ports to tour. I fell in love with cruising since my very first cruise, and likely have been on more than a dozen cruises. We have been fortunate to meet wonderful people from all around the globe, including Asia, Australia, New Zealand, South America, and throughout Europe. We found the Brits to be the most entertaining and fun; they are often the last to leave the pub or party and they have the greatest laughs.

We enjoyed our European capitals coach trip so much that we decided to tour Spain and Portugal by bus. I was smitten with everything about both Spain and Portugal, especially the quaint villages lined with myriads of olive trees. This coach tour was filled mostly with older passengers from all around the globe. The tour group didn’t congregate nightly for cocktails as we had on our last coach tour, but we got to know many from our tour group who asked if they could join us as we explored the various stopovers. Whenever we arrived at a new town or city, my husband and I laced up our sneakers and set off exploring by foot. We were affectionately referred to as the “Canadian walkers” (which we considered an upgrade from “them Canadiens”). I particularly enjoyed discovering the smaller towns but found Madrid and Lisbon to be vibrant cities with so much to see and do. Porto in the Douro region of Portugal was enchanting, with the town built along the water and Porto is home to some of the finest port in the world.

Our oldest daughter moved to England several years ago, so we have been fortunate to tour much of the UK during visits with her. I especially like the historic old towns with their shops and pubs, and we learned how to order our morning “white coffees” in Costa and other charming cafés. My daughter and British son-in-law have recently added our grandson to their family so we will be visiting regularly, and we look forward to traveling to other European countries while spending time across the pond. During a future visit next year, we will be embarking on our first river cruise, going from Budapest to Amsterdam.

Another continent that we decided to explore while semi-retired, was South America. We flew to Buenos Aires, Argentina and hopped on a cruise ship that went south down through Argentina and then north up through Chile, disembarking in Santiago, Chile. Two other couples who are our close friends, joined us on that exploration, and every night we became the boisterous dinner table that conservative cruisers wanted to quiet, and lively cruisers requested to join. We laughed nonstop as we exchanged stories about our touring adventures, all while sipping way too much wine (and rusty nails for some) and eating the scrumptious multi-course meals. We talked about how different the landscape is in Argentina, from Canada. The trees looked barren and there wasn’t the outstanding natural beauty that you find in Canada, with the exception of Ushuaia, which was breathtaking. The mountainous village is the world’s southernmost city and everywhere you walked provided magnificent mountain views. Chile is known for their wineries, and we passed many wine vines while driving through the Santiago region. The wine was particularly good value for the price, but I must confess that I am somewhat of a California cabernet sauvignon wine snob. However, the cost for dinners, wine, and other living expenses is considerably lower in South America than we pay in Canada. I can certainly see why South America is alluring to many foreigners.

I am so thankful that my passion for travel began when I was a child, and I am so grateful for my traveler’s soul. I have been blessed with the opportunity of exploring so many amazing places, learning about so many diverse cultures, and meeting so many incredible people from around the globe. Every new trip has been fascinating, enlightening and has provided me with priceless and cherished memories, which will last a lifetime. My passion for travel led me to become certified as a part-time travel consultant with Expedia Cruises and Travel. I love researching destinations and itineraries just as much as planning, organizing, and traveling to all the captivating new places. There are more continents that I still need to explore, but I am well on my way to becoming a world traveler. Australia and New Zealand are next up on our bucket list, and I cannot wait to start researching and planning for that exhilarating new journey!

I have often wondered how we learn to adopt an attitude of gratitude. If we are fortunate, we are taught in our childhood to say thank you by our parents, teachers, and other role models. Being genuinely appreciative and grateful is a life lesson that is learned over time, and one that most of us don’t practice often enough. The textbook definition of gratitude is thankfulness or gratefulness, from the Latin word gratus. Pleasing and thankful, is a feeling of appreciation felt by and/or similar positive response shown by the recipient of kindness, gifts, help, favors, or other types of generosity, to the giver of said gifts. Why is gratitude so important in our life and how do we adopt a true attitude of gratitude?

Subject-matter experts and spiritual gurus who have written on this topic, inform us that we need to trade expectation for appreciation and that gratitude is a prerequisite for a happy life. They claim that the road to a happy life is living in moments, and not days, weeks, months, or years. When we learn to live our daily life with an attitude of gratitude, then we don’t see as many obstacles and challenges. And when we are confronted with difficulties in our lives, the ability to be thankful becomes essential.
Best-selling author Gretchen Rubin, who wrote the book “The Happiness Project”, asked herself what she wanted most in life and her answer was that she wanted to be happy. In response to her quest for happiness, she dedicated a year of her life to introducing and focusing on various new things to see what would bring her joy. She discovered that an attitude of gratitude was essential. Gretchen Rubin says that the path to happiness is “living in the moment and appreciating the smallest things. Surrounding yourself with the things that inspire you and letting go of the obsessions that want to take over your mind. It is a daily struggle sometimes and hard work, but happiness begins with your own attitude and how you look at the world”.

I fully relate to Gretchen Rubin’s insights about the daily struggle and hard work it takes to embrace an attitude of gratitude, particularly during times of struggle. Everyone has good and bad times in their life and our pathway to happiness is how we effectively deal with and overcome our challenges. We always have two choices with our all of our life predicaments. We can choose to be fearful, or we can choose to be thankful, even if we have to grapple to find a single reason to be thankful. The first step is finding just one simple thing that we are thankful for. For example, if someone who we love passes who was experiencing excruciating physical pain, we can be thankful that they are no longer suffering. If we are let go from a job that we weren’t passionate about anyway, we can be happy for the opportunity to find more meaningful work. If our children move far away to pursue their goals, we can be pleased to see them fulfill their dreams.

Sarah Ban Breathnach, who is known around the world for her insights on simplicity and has authored the best-selling book, “Simple Abundance”, tells us that being grateful is the first step on the path to joy. Her book details that the simpler that we make our lives, the more abundant that they become. She is quoted as saying that ”when we appreciate how much we have, we feel the urge to pare down, get back to basics, and learn what is essential for our happiness. We long to realize what is really important”. Sarah also introduced us to the Gratitude Journal that she created back in 1996. She taught us that our lives will be transformed, and we will begin to experience joyful living, when we record our daily moments of gratitude.

Dr. Robert Emmons is best known for his scientific analysis of gratitude and has been studying the effects of gratitude on physical health, on psychological well-being, and on our relationships with others. In his studies, he asked participants of all ages to keep gratitude journals for three weeks. His findings revealed participants as being physically better by having stronger immune systems, were less bothered by aches and pains, had lower blood pressure, exercised more, and were taking better care of their health. They also were sleeping longer and feeling more refreshed upon waking. The Psychological results proved that participants had higher levels of positive emotions, were more alert, alive, and awake, and had more joy and pleasure, and more optimism and happiness. Socially, participants felt more helpful, generous, compassionate, forgiving, and outgoing, and less lonely and isolated.

It took me a very long time to realize that all of the obstacles in my earlier life were really gifts. Overcoming my struggles taught me so many important life lessons that I feel so fortunate to have learned. I am now grateful for everything that has happened in my life, both good and bad. Enduring our difficult times helps us appreciate our blissful times even more. Best-selling author Anne Lamott is quoted as saying “as soon as you’re in gratitude, you watch out, world, because gratitude is some mysterious magnetic energy that just draws goodness to you. It draws people to you; it draws wonderful new life to you”. I couldn’t agree more.

Thanksgiving is that special day once a year, where we celebrate everything that we are thankful for. Research conducted by Dr. Emmons tells us that our physical, psychological, and social well-being improves when we count our blessings everyday. Some time ago, I adopted the ritual of writing down three things that I am grateful for (although to be perfectly honest, I don’t always practise this habit everyday). I discovered that on the days that I did and stopped focusing on what I didn’t have and started appreciating what I do have, my moods improved. I felt so much better physically and emotionally, as Dr. Emmons proclaimed from his extensive research and studies.

The best gift that we can give ourselves is adopting a daily attitude of gratitude and it is as simple as recording what we are grateful for everyday. A quote that I love that sums up the definition of genuine gratitude is “Being happy doesn’t mean you have it all. It simply means that you are thankful for all that you have”. How true. Let’s celebrate thanksgiving everyday.

I was just a teenager the first time that I met my future in-laws. We congregated in their living room, where the television was turned on, because the conversation was not flowing. During awkward silences, they all stared at the TV, while I stared at the beautiful painting hanging on the wall above the TV. Ron’s dad shared brief stories about himself and his life, but Ron’s mom was noticeably quiet, appeared disinterested in our conversation, and was grasping to try to make small talk. I did not think that my introductory visit with them was going very well.

After an unusually long period of silence, I asked Ron’s mom what her hobbies were. She told me that she really did not have many, except that she loved to sew. I would soon learn that sewing was one of the few interests that Ron’s mom was very passionate about. I pretended to also be interested in sewing, not revealing my past sewing mishaps. I dared not to tell anyone that day, that the only subject that I almost failed in school, was the sewing component of Home Economics; and that I was voted worst sewer in the class by my teacher and classmates. Our class was assigned to sew a pair of “gauchos” (knee length shorts), and the whole class exploded with laughter as I modeled my inept design, where the piece separating my legs was wrongfully sewn into the bottom of the garment, separating at my knees. So, when Ron’s mom asked me what I liked to sew, I quickly changed the topic and asked her about the beautiful painting that I had been staring at. She did not share much information with me that day, other than that the painting was of her family home and farm in Germany, where she was born.

Ron and I attended the same high school, but we really connected at our part-time jobs. From my cashier stand at Canadian Tire, I would inconspicuously check out Ron at the automotive section of the store, where he worked. He would regularly drive me home from work and we would often go out for pizza and ice-cream. Sunday afternoons were spent exploring apple orchards, conservation areas, ski hills, and any place in nature and the great outdoors. It did not take long for us to become inseparable, and for my visits to his family home to become more frequent.

My conversations with Ron’s mom remained strained. We were cordial to one another, but we shared very few commonalities or interests. She did not have a career or full-time job, and she spent most of her time watching daytime soap operas and sewing. She never shared much about her life, and she never asked me much about myself or my life. She preferred to talk mostly about her sewing projects, which I always made a point of asking her about. She would recount her daily trips to the fabric store and the new projects that she would sew with her newfound bargain fabrics.

Ron’s mom preferred to spend time alone, not having many friends and family that she was close to and confided in. It would take many years of conversations with her before I would eventually learn about her childhood growing up in Germany, losing her father in the war when she was a child, and her leaving her family in her early adulthood, to come to Canada by herself and start a new life. It would take even more years before I would fully understand how devastating it must have been for her to lose her father so young, lose her family home and farm, and move away from her family and friends to a new country, where she did not know anyone, and English was not her first language.

My life changed dramatically before I finished my last year of high school. My parents sold our family home and moved into a modern, tiny, high-rise, condominium, an hour from the city where we were residing. I could not move with them because it would have been almost impossible for me to complete high school, and to find a summer job. Furthermore, their new condominium purchase was not really large enough to accommodate me or any other family members. Their move left me frantic to find someplace temporarily to live, prior to starting university that September.
I was very relieved and extraordinarily grateful when Ron told me that his parents invited me to stay with their family. Their invite was the kindest gesture that anyone could have provided me. They welcomed me into their home with open arms, making me feel comfortable, secure, and a member of their tribe. They treated me as if I were part of their family, even though we were not yet engaged or married.

Ron’s dad and I loved to play poker and other card games in the evenings, where he would recount funny and inspiring stories to me about his life. Our conversations were always plentiful and full of laughter. Ron’s mom cooked extra food for dinner, making sure that I had plenty to eat and felt cared for. I tried to repay them for their generosity by volunteering to do the dishes and other chores around their house. After everyone went to bed, Ron and I often snuggled together on the couth while watching television. One night, his mother came out of her room to get a glass of water and caught us doing a little more than just cuddling. She pretended not to even notice us, and she never said one word to either of us that night or the next day.

Ron and I eventually married and had a family of our own. I affectionately referred to his parents as the outlaws throughout our marriage. From our very first meeting, I was immediately drawn to my father-in-law’s warm heart and generosity which he openly displayed by his kind words and actions towards me. It took many more years for me to fully comprehend and appreciate all of the kind gestures that my mother-in-law provided to me over our many years together. She rarely complimented me, asked me very few questions about my job, and appeared disinterested in our daily family life. We were always respectful towards one another and never shared one cross word. I always left their house with baskets full of vegetables from their garden, pies that we did not finish during dinner, beautifully sewn Christmas stockings and Easter baskets, special sweaters that she knew I liked, and so many other gifts and surprises for our children. I now appreciate so much more than I did then, all the sacrifices that they both made by welcoming me into their home and allowing me to stay with them before we were even married. I have learned that kindness is demonstrated in many ways, and not only through words.

My father-in-law passed from cancer several years ago. We honor him and other family members that we have lost to cancer, by participating in the Terry Fox Run/Walk every year. Shortly after his passing, my mother-in-law developed dementia and eventually no longer recognized her son or any of our family. I now believe that she suffered mental health conditions throughout her life. She lived with dementia for many years, until her recent passing. We will honor my mother-in-law by getting involved with Alzheimer and Dementia causes. Today, I pay tribute to my outlaws who were really wonderful in-laws. They both had the most generous hearts (that their son inherited) and I am so grateful for their kindness towards me over the many years that we shared together.

Do you ever wonder why couples stay married? I have been married for 35 years and my generation would consider that a fairly long marriage. If we were celebrities, it would be considered very rare and an eternity. If we were my grandparents, it would have been considered very common unless one partner has passed. So why don’t celebrities stay married for more than a few years, why have so many of our grandparents celebrated golden wedding anniversaries and why do couples, like my husband and myself, stay married for 35 years? Are there secrets to a long-lasting marriage? I have to confess that I have not discovered any. Staying married is hard work that requires tending to daily. What I have learned from other long-term married couples, as well as experts on the subject of marriage and relationships, is that there are some proven theories that will predict whether couples stay together.

Best-selling author Gary Chapman who wrote the book “Five Love Languages” tells us that couples require “physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, and gifts” in order to be happy. I would agree with most of the author’s insights, including his observation that intimacy is very important for a happy marriage. However, my husband and I are not big gift givers or receivers, and lack of gifts has never been a problem in our marriage. We both value experiences more than material things and we tend to go someplace special, when celebrating our special occasions and milestones. Perhaps not all couples require everything on the author’s suggested love languages list or as long as both couples have similar desires, they can still survive.

John Gottman, a well-known expert on relationships and marriage, wrote the book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”. In his best-selling book, he discusses essential principles that determine lasting relationships, such as knowing and continuing to learn relevant info about your partner, a lifetime friendship based on fondness and admiration, turning towards each other rather than walking away, sharing power, constructively solving problems, overcoming the same problematic issues, and creating a shared meaning.

His insight on “overcoming gridlock”, as the author refers to what couples argue about over and over again, immediately caught my attention. I can’t even count how many times that my husband and I have argued about the same things over and over again or how many times the same issues erupt when we are discussing something totally different. It took my husband and I a long time to finally implement a rule whereby we will only discuss the current issue at hand, and any past issues must remain in the past. Over time, we have also gotten so much better at constructively solving problems in a more calm and rational manner and not walking away, as Gottman has suggested. I wonder if it has taken most other long-term couples the same time to master problem-solving.

I found Gottman’s principle on intimately knowing our partners and continuing to learn about them very insightful. As we all continue to grow and evolve (at least that is our hope), then we introduce new and different parts of our self to one another that the other must acquaint with and accept. I believe this is the most important principle for a lasting marriage. We are all on our own life journeys and we need to be encouragers and not critics of our partners and their growth. Perhaps regular date nights where we focus on continuing to get to know one another is vital for marriage survival.

Most people who have been married a long time will tell you that their mate is their friend and quite often their best friends. My hubby has been my best friend since long before we even married. Friendship is really the cornerstone of every healthy relationship. We must like our mates in addition to loving them. Passion and love affairs fizzle and rarely withstand the test of time, but genuine friendships last because they are based on trust, admiration, respect, common interests, and commitment. Committed people know that one wrong choice, such as an indiscretion or an affair, will break the bonds of trust that may take a lifetime to repair or may never be repairable. We all know that a common pathway to divorce is infidelity, as well as addictions and other non-treated mental health issues.

I like Gottman’s principle that states that the sharing of power is essential. How can a relationship possibly last if one person holds all the power? A couple’s mutual life plans should be agreed to before marrying, such as whether they will have a family, who will work while raising their family, how to manage finances and the household budget, etc. I think it is also instrumental to establish the division of power at the beginning of the relationship. Both partners need to concur on how the household chores will be divided and how to share other major responsibilities. I have recently just watched an HBO special called “Scenes from a Marriage” that is heartbreaking to watch because it is so raw. The couple has been married for over 10 years yet have been both living with resentments towards each other and their life because they have not communicated their needs to each other, nor have they accepted their division of power. The audience is left watching one partner stray and their marriage completely breakdown. I suspect that there are many unhappy marriages that will eventually collapse because of similar resentments and power struggles.

Communication and compromise are themes that most relationship experts list as being essential to lasting relationships. Marriages rarely last if one person always gets their way and won’t compromise or if one or both partners refuse to communicate with one another. Compromise is difficult. We all have our individual dreams, and after we marry, we realize that some of our aspirations will never be fulfilled. Give and take is much easier to say than to do. In her memoir “Hourglass”, best-selling author Dani Shapiro gives readers an intimate glimpse while reflecting on her long marriage, as she tries to understand and come to terms with what happens to love in the face of the unexpected, in the face of disappointment and compromise, and how to accept what we have rather than what we don’t have. She shows readers that compromise is difficult but necessary for marriage survival. Whenever I play the game at bridal showers where we give our best marriage advice to the future bride, my suggestion is always both partners must “compromise, compromise, compromise”.

If we ask our grandparents why they stayed together, they will tell us that they have consciously chosen to grow old together. They have persevered through the many challenges and life struggles that we all experience. They have good times and hard times, but when given a choice to stay or leave at the various difficult periods in their relationship, they have chosen to stay. They may define themselves as two imperfect people who refuse to give up and may also tell us that they would rather be a forgiver than a collector of hurts. They have accepted their partner throughout their marriage, especially as they have evolved, and they have made their marriage a shared partnership and their partner their good or best friend. They have constructively solved problems, overcome gridlock, and not walked away from each other. And they have created a shared meaning together, whether with just the two of them or with their family. Their families may have expanded by welcoming sons-in-law or daughters-in-law and the blessings of grandchildren, and their rich history has granted them that joyful expansive family life.

Most long-term couples will tell you that staying married is hard work. It is a marathon and not a sprint. But staying together is a choice. They will tell you that choosing commitment over separation brings joy to their life more days than it doesn’t. A quote I love is “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” How true.

I have laughed with many people in my life but have rarely gotten into a belly ache state with anyone, with the exception of my mother. We have laughed so hard together that we have cried, we have peed our pants, and we have both have had to lie down because our stomachs have hurt so much. One funny story in particular reflects the many joyful times that we spent together where we couldn’t stop laughing out loud.

When I was a young adult (almost 40 years ago), my mother and I often spent our time together going to live theatre. We travelled to New York City to see Broadway plays, to Las Vegas where we caught our favorite musical shows, and we frequented the theatre district near our home in Toronto.
Our preferred outing was dinner at an Italian restaurant and then catching a live theatre production, afterwards. So, I was very excited when my mother advised me during one of our regular dinners out, that she had snagged front row seats to a live show that night. She really didn’t know anything about the play, other than that it was a musical, a genre that we both loved.

We arrived early to the theatre and were the first to be shown to our seats. I was filled with anticipation and hope that this live musical production would be memorable, with catchy songs that we would hum to, and live performances that would take our breath away. My mother and I had seen so many phenomenal 80’s hit musicals together, such as Evita, Grease, Cats, Pirates of Penzance (where I witnessed Barry Bostwick sweat), and Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat (where I could almost touch Donny Osmond). We both adored those memorable performances.

The host who seated us looked at us quite perplexed and commented that he was surprised that my mother and I were seeing this play together. While taking our drink order, I bragged to him about our history of regularly observing live musicals. He simply nodded, trying desperately not to chuckle, and told us that he sincerely hoped that we would enjoy this one.

As soon as our host left, I picked up the Program and started to read the contents to learn what the play was about. The first thing that I saw under the title “Let my people come” was the subtitle “A sexual musical”. “How strange”, I thought. I asked myself, “What does that mean”? I continued to glance and noticed the word “nudity” throughout the program. I immediately suggested to my mother that I thought this may be a nude play. She quickly dismissed my observations. I asked her if we should ask someone before it started what it is about, and she responded that she doubted it could be a nude play. Keep in mind that this was the 80’s and there were no cell phones and easy access to the internet. However, as I continued to examine the Program, more information started revealing itself to me.

My fears were confirmed when the play opened with an entire naked ensemble cast, and they spent the next hour or so singing songs that I cannot even remember. After the first song, “Everyone likes to screw”, I signaled to my mother to leave, but she wasn’t acknowledging my obvious gesture, and later said that she didn’t want to be rude and walk away in the middle of their act. I asked myself, “Would she rather see me hide under the table or leave”? I was so uncomfortable that I thought I was going to pass out. I didn’t know where to look so I stared at my wine and downed it. Not only was the entire cast naked, but one song in particular focused on their private body parts that they had decorated with brightly colored ribbons and bows. To be perfectly honest, I don’t even recall much of the first act, because I was so embarrassed, that I focused on guzzling my wine and completely tuned it out. I was beyond mortified.

When the first act finally ended, I immediately got up to leave at the same time that several of the cast members came over to our table to interact with us. They were all nude with their bright ribbons and bows, still intact. I continued to stare at my wine as they started talking my mom up and complimenting her at how progressive a mother she was, for coming to this play with her daughter. They chatted to my mom for what seemed like hours, until, finally, their conversation ended by the actors telling us how phenomenal it was for us to experience the play together and how much it meant to all of them. From all the attention they paid to us, I gathered that we must have been their first mother and daughter duo to attend, or at least to sit in front row seats.
By the end of intermission, I had downed a few glasses of wine and was feeling a little tipsy. I had gone from looking only at my wine glass to the occasional glance and nod to the cast, during their everlasting conversation with my mother. I began to find the entire experience slightly amusing, but still predominantly absurd. After bonding with the cast, my very polite mother confessed that we couldn’t be rude and leave now and that we had to stay until the end of the show. Maybe it was the wine, but during the second act, neither my mother nor I could take our eyes off of all their private body parts bopping around with their meticulous placed and brightly colored ribbons and bows. I even caught my mother swaying her head back and forth to a couple of the songs.

When the play finally ended and we left the theatre, my mother and I laughed hysterically from the moment we stepped outside, all the way home. Every time one of us started laughing, the other one couldn’t stop, and we both barely made it home that night without wetting our pants. The outing became one of our many memorable experiences and stories that we shared with everyone. Every time one of us mentioned the play, we both would burst into fits of laughter. Many times, we would be laughing so hard that neither of us could even finish the story, and we would barrel over into fits of laughter where our stomachs would ache. My mother has now passed, and I miss her immensely, especially those belly ache laughs that we regularly shared. I’m fortunate that all of my family loves to laugh because it always feels so good to laugh out loud.

I have to admit, it took me a very long time to comprehend the concept of ego vs self. I was first introduced to the term ego, several decades ago, when I studied Psychology and Sociology at University. Psychology was of particular interest to me because I was intrigued with learning about the human mind and behavior. My formal education oriented me with many 20th century theorists and leaders in this field, including Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung.

Neurologist Sigmund Freud defined personality as three elements: the id, the ego, and the super ego. He claimed that the id is the primitive and instinctive part of the mind that includes sexual and aggressive motivators and hidden memories, the super ego is our moral conscience, and the ego is the realistic element that mediates between the desires of the id and the super ego. The ego develops from the id and ensures that the impulses of the id can be expressed in a manner acceptable in the real world. Freud was recognized as the founder of psychoanalysis.

Psychiatrist Carl Jung theorized that the ego represents the conscious mind, comprising the thoughts, memories, and emotions a person is aware of. He further stated that the ego is largely responsible for feelings of identity. While Jung and Freud started off with similar theories, as they progressed in their research, their theories differed, particularly on their interpretation of the unconscious. Freud believed that the unconscious was the product of repressed thoughts and personal experiences (what we now refer to as mental illness), while Jung believed that unconscious was inherited from the past collective experience of humanity. Jung’s take on the human psyche was inspired by his studies into Eastern philosophy and religion such as Buddhism and Hinduism. He believed that the contents of the unconscious are not restricted to repressed material. Jung was recognized as the founder of analytical psychology.
While my studies in psychology and sociology were very interesting, I didn’t follow any theorists’ views or form any solid beliefs of my own. If anyone asked me what my assumptions were back in those days, I would have defined ego as our negative personality and self as our positive personality. I have to admit, my ego surfaced much more than I would have liked it to, particularly in my earlier adult years. It wouldn’t be until a decade after finishing my education, that I would begin my quest for a deeper understanding of humanity and this very topic. Profound life events occurred in my 30’s that eventually brought me to the path of spirituality, and I began reading books by many spiritual leaders, absorbing their insights as they were revealed to me.

Eckhart Tolle wrote two best-selling books, “The Power of Now” and “A New Earth” Tolle and is recognized in the spiritual community for his spiritual awareness and teachings about the ego. According to Tolle, “your ego is your “I”, and how you distinguish yourself from others”. He advised that the ego creates your identity from your social status; job; possessions; education; appearance; relationships; personal and family history; beliefs; and membership in political, national, racial, and religious groups”. Tolle identifies and recognizes people on two levels: first as having body and psychological makeup including ego, and second as their higher or essential selves, where they are universal consciousness. Tolle quotes that people become their true selves when “the ego starts to collapse. The impersonal process of identifying as the ego starts to fall away. It is revealed that our true self is a deeper sense of Presence or Being that is constant, ever-present, loving, warm, clear-seeing and whole”. He tells his followers to ignore their involuntary thoughts (ego) and focus on the present with being-awareness (self).
Spiritual leader Wayne Dyer advocated that people develop an ego when they “Edge God Out (EGO)”. He defined the ego as being separate from everyone else and that the ego is consumed by what people have, what people do, and what others think of them. Dwyer theorized that ego makes you think that you are something that you are not. Dwyer believed that the higher or inner self is eternal and what a human being is innately born with. As such, Dyer wrote many books incorporating his theories with the goal of how to achieve inner happiness, life purpose, and self-actualization. \

The most insightful and simplistic book that I have read on this topic of ego vs self is “The Untethered Soul”, by best-selling author Michael Singer. The author demonstrates to readers how consciousness is tethered to our ego (thoughts and emotions) and the freedom and liberation that we experience when we let the “noise” as he refers to it, naturally pass and become untethered. He tells us that our true self is not our physical and psychological parts of our being (body, thoughts, emotions, and personality), but rather our true self is an eternal soul and defined as “the conscious being who is aware that you are aware of all these inner and outer things (body, thoughts and emotions)”. He provides practical advice on how we must tune out our constant noise (negative thoughts and feelings) and further declares that the more we live in conscious centeredness, the happier our lives will be.
The research by psychologist, psychiatrists, and spiritual leaders, share a common theme that our ego and self are polar opposites. When our ego surfaces through negative emotions, feelings, thoughts, or behaviors, then it is up to us to consciously ignore or let the ego naturally pass, because the ego is not who we really are. Examples of ego are thoughts that you are more important than everyone else, or that you are better than everyone else. People who possess egos may be overly concerned with impressive job titles, fancy cars, their own opinions, and how they look. Does anybody’s behaviour immediately come to mind when you think of someone with a big ego? The ego is always insecure, comparing, fearful of losing its position, and operates from a place of fear. By contract, the self is always wanting joy, happiness, peace, and operates from a place of love. As I progressed further along my spiritual path, I realized my early lack of awareness into how complex the ego and self are. In their most simplistic definition, the ego is defined as a person’s sense of self-importance and the self is defined as a person’s true eternal being.

Self is also interchangeably referred to as real self, true self, higher self, authentic self, and soul. People who are in tune with their self, are able to realize dimensions within themselves beyond their thoughts, emotions, personality, and psychological make-up. They recognize that we are all connected, and we are all equal. Nobody is better than anyone else. They also recognize that the only constant in life is our authentic, true self, because everything else passes and changes with time. Physical beauty is temporary, as we all age. Material possessions come and go, and do not bring us long term happiness. Nobody else really cares about your job title or the kind of car you drive, unless they, too, are operating from a place of ego and not their true self. The best advice that we can ever give or get, is to be our authentic self and not a fake version of someone else. I don’t know about you, but my definition of real success in life is the ability to let go of our ego, to live in the present and to consciously become our real selves. For then we will live a truly happy and fulfilled life.