Jon Acuff's Blog, page 166

(Someday, I am going to convince my wife Jenny, who is wicked hot and wicked smart, to start her own blog. Until then though, I'll have to be happy with her jumping in with the occasional guest post about Beth Moore, Hobby Lobby and Dinner. Enjoy.)

Phoning in dinner on Sunday night.

I have a confession to make, which is odd considering Jon started last Monday's post the same way. But it's true, I do have something I need to admit.

I phone in dinner on Sunday night.

I wing it.

If you come to the Acuff house for dinner on Sunday night, you are going to be at the bare minimum slightly disappointed.

Why?

The week is over. I'm exhausted. Sure, Jon has taken care of the kids, cleaned the house, washed the clothes by hand in a mountain stream and provided for all of my emotional needs, but I'm still tired. (Jon wrote that last sentence.)

But I'm done. Have you ever felt "done?" Have you ever finished a day and tagged your husband and said, "you're it, the kids are all yours?" That's what Sundays feel like sometimes. And when they do, one of the following things is going to happen at our house for dinner:

1. Make your own sandwich night!

Hooray, sandwiches that you get to make yourself! How fun! Kids always fall for this one. (I'm still trying to spin this into "Make mom and dad's bed morning" but they appear resistant to the tactic.)

2. Breakfast supper

If we had scrambled eggs at lunch, I'd get funny looks. Dinner? That's breakfast supper! Bacon? Check. Eggs? Check. Grits? Check. You throw pancakes in the mix and you've got a legit supper.

3. Leftovers parade.

Take every meal we've had for the last two days, heat, plate with some sort of garnish, like popsicles, and you're good to go. Now a lot of chefs, particularly French chefs, will not agree with me that a red popsicle can be used as a garnish, but you give me a popsicle and I will give you two incredibly pliable children willing to eat broccoli.

4. Dad cooks dinner.

Cooks is too strong of a word, but if I titled it accurately and wrote, "Dad cooks 99 cent Totino's Frozen Pizzas" that would be too long. Jon loves those things, but I'm sorry, the freeze-dried cubes of green peppers on the "Supreme" don't constitute a vegetable. Vegetable matter? Sure.

5. Chicken Fingers.

Jon has a theory that anytime Saturday Night Live feels ratings slipping they call Justin Timberlake and have him host. Something about Justin Timberlake makes everything better. That's how I feel about chicken fingers. Although we're out of the solid year of chicken fingers, CF08, they still make a cameo and will do when needed.

Maybe we'll all have dinner some night. Jon is constantly inviting people over and then telling me about it approximately 19 minutes before they show up.

But if you do come over, please make sure it's Tuesday night. You'll get A-game Acuff dining on Tuesday night. Sunday night? I'm phoning that one in.

How about you? Ever phoned it in on a Sunday night?

[image error]

Sometimes, before the service starts, I stare at the ceiling in church. For reasons I can't explain, I'm pretty convinced that at some point, I will need to possess catlike reflexes in order to dive out of the way, in order to avoid a stereo speaker that is falling.

I've never actually witnessed this.

As a pastor's kid, I have sat through thousands of church services. I have seen elderly members bring in their own tambourine, crazy Vacation Bible Schools and a million other things, but I have never seen a speaker fall.

And yet, I am convinced it is only a matter of time. Perhaps it will happen before worship begins. (Which I love at Cross Point.) Perhaps it will happen in that magical moment when my pastor, Pete Wilson, materializes out of the dark to start the sermon. This is one of my favorite moments and I secretly hope that one day Pete will emerge dramatically like metrosexual magician Criss Angel. Perhaps it will happen at the end of the sermon when some slow Aisle Blocker is delaying my egress. It's really hard to tell.

But this is what I think about. If you see me taking notes before the service starts I'm probably not writing down Stuff Christians Like ideas. I'm probably charting stereo speaker escape routes. (Go toward the stage. That's the mistake most people make. You have to go deeper into danger to escape danger because exits are often uphill depending on the design of your church.)

My wife is probably praying before church starts. She is good like that. She is hott and smart and tells me things like, "No one has ever put their foot in their ear. Talk less and listen more." She spends her pre church moments praying or thinking about Grace Livingston Hill or Francine Rivers books.

Me? I'm like Patrick Swayze in the movie Roadhouse. I'm looking for possible obstacles. Low pews I can jump. Church pencils I might slip on. Older people who have already enjoyed very long, fruitful lives and may have to take one for the team if a speaker falls. Normal, mature kind of stuff like that.

I'm probably alone in this concern. I can appreciate that. I'm weird. You never think about this. But what do you think about? What's the weird, distracting thought you seem to come back to while you're waiting for church to start?

[image error]

"I don't want to discourage you, but we won't sell that many books."

"Why did you decide to do that?

"You are making a mistake. That won't work. That's not how things are done."

These are the kind of things I've been hearing lately as I write a new book. And these are not ill-founded concerns. I have a satire book coming out in about month. I just saw the cover and couldn't be more excited about how funny the whole project turned out. I can't wait to tell you all about it very soon. But then there is the question of the third book.

It is a topic that is out of my comfort zone.

It is a subject that some people will not see coming.

It is different and a little bit crazy.

But, it is the book I've been living for the last 12 years. It is the culmination of the wildness of the last 3 years. It is the slingshot in my heart I feel God has been pulling taunt for reasons I can't explain.

And into that space comes something we're all familiar with. Doubt.

As soon as you try something different, doubt comes. Doubt is different from the concerned wisdom of friends. It's toxic and it's only aim is to stop you. I'm unfortunately getting a Phd in doubt right now, both from other people and from myself. You might have the same soundtrack inside that I do.

"Who are you to try that?"

"This is the wrong time. Wait."

"You're not talented enough to do that."

These are the things we hear and I've learned the reason why. It's actually pretty simple:

Doubt is talkative.

It's verbose. It's loud and constantly running at the mouth. And the surprising truth is that it's always been that way.

I actually noticed that fact the other day in the Old Testament. I'm trying to read the Bible in a year. I'm probably not going to make it considering it's October and I'm in Numbers. In the midst of reading Numbers 13, I noticed something.

The Israelites were on the edge of the Promised Land. They were on the precipice of realizing what God had declared to them. In order to understand the opposition, they send in 12 spies to scout out the land. The results fall into two different categories. One group is overcome with doubt, the other feels the adventure is possible.

Here is what the doubters say:

"We went into the land to which you sent us, and it does flow with milk and honey! Here is its fruit. But the people who live there are powerful, and the cities are fortified and very large. We even saw descendants of Anak there. The Amalekites live in the Negev; the Hittites, Jebusites and Amorites live in the hill country; and the Canaanites live near the sea and along the Jordan."

Here is what Caleb, one of the two people who didn't doubt, said:

"We should go up and take possession of the land, for we can certainly do it."

Do you see the difference there? Do you see what happens?

The doubters use 72 words.

Caleb? He uses 16.

He barely says an entire sentence. And the doubters respond to him by saying:

"We can't attack those people; they are stronger than we are. The land we explored devours those living in it. All the people we saw there are of great size. We saw the Nephilim there. We seemed like grasshoppers in our own eyes, and we looked the same to them."

All told, the doubters said 122 words to describe their plight. There were 122 words to describe the fear. Caleb said 16.

We should go up. We can certainly do it. Come on, we've got this.

It's so simple, it almost feels ridiculous, but it's not because in his words you can hear him saying, "Yeah, but God is on our side."

The people who live there are powerful! Yeah, but God is on our side.

The cities are fortified! Yeah, but God is on our side.

They are stronger than we are! Yeah, but God is on our side.

The land we explored devours those living in it! Yeah, but God is on our side.

We seemed like grasshoppers in our own eyes! Yeah, but God is on our side.

Again and again, word after word, the doubt is raised. It's talkative. It's the ocean. It keeps coming, but Caleb keeps believing "we can certainly do it."

And so can you.

Are the challenges difficult? Are there obstacle and reasons it shouldn't work numerous? Is it difficult for a busy mom to start a company she feels called to? Is it hard to go back to school and work at the same time? Should it be impossible for a blog to raise $32,250 in 24 hours?

Yeah, but God is on our side.

[image error]

I love writing for CNN. They have graciously and generously given me a huge platform to share the gospel. And yesterday they loaded a new article I wrote about the 4 ways to scandal proof your church. I'd love you to check it out. Click here to read it.

One of the things that happens when I write for CNN is that a lot of hate ends up in the comments section. And realizing that reminded me of how grateful I am for the way people comment on Stuff Christians Like. Folks disagree with me often but they do it with grace. So thank you, thanks for commenting on SCL and not lowering the conversation with personal attacks or hate. I am a big fan of your willingness to challenge me on the ideas we discuss. Thank you!

[image error]

Praying for things you shouldn't pray for.

You have never done this. You wake in the morning and talk to bluebirds and enjoy a warm cup of coffee and a bit of Old Testament. Your days are like Guideposts articles. Nice. Kind. Never full of what I am going to admit today.

There is something none of us should pray for, but some of us do.

OK here it is:

Sometimes I pray that my friends who were blessed with a naturally easy kid will be blessed with a difficult second child.

Not all the time. I don't pray that for everyone's second kid, just the friends who are cocky and think that it is there tremendously awesome parenting skills that has made there kids go to bed at 6 every night without fights.

Do you have friends like this? Their first kid is a dream! That kid taught herself to read at the age of two. She feeds the homeless on the weekend. She brushes her teeth just "because," not after lengthy negotiations. She always shares her toys and last Christmas told her parents, "I don't need gifts, the gift of your love is enough for me." She eats broccoli without being bribed and thinks that books are better than television.

Which is great, unless your friends take credit for it. If they've done very little to shape that naturally easy going child and yet still brag in a way that makes you feel like a complete loser of a parent, I think it's OK to you perhaps pray that their second child is a little more difficult.

Do you know this child?

We say "spirited," not "difficult."

Our kids have a blood pact that they won't fall asleep in the car.

Our kids broke us down over a series of late night maneuvers that eliminated our ability to get the sleep necessary to maintain rational thought.

Our kids broker "vegetable deals" like investment bankers. They are like Goldman Sachs of brussel sprouts. They always win and I always feel like we lose at the dinner table.

Our kids are awesome and when someone else with a calm kid used to give me crazy advice it used to frustrate me.

Until I started praying their kid would be born double fisting sharpies, with a hunger for hallway walls and toddler graffiti.

That probably makes me a horrible Christian.

I can accept that.

[image error]

Even if you're a Yankees fan, you had to see last Friday night coming. Sure, I've long enjoyed the glory Yankee greats like A-Rod and Derek Jeter have spoken back on Jesus Christ upon winning the World Series, cue Yankee fans who list the Christians I didn't know where on the team, but at least in this round of the playoffs, there was no stopping Josh Hamilton.

If you're not familiar with Texas Ranger Josh Hamilton, imagine Tim Tebow + David Robinson + AC Green + Reggie White. He's like some sort of genetically engineered Christian athlete made in a lab of awesomeness. In fact, here are five reasons Josh Hamilton is probably going to end up being the Christian athlete of the Century. (Did I just proclaim that 90 years before the century ends? I did. I'm bold like that, like a really fresh flavor of deodorant. Besides, I'll be dead before the century ends.)

Five reasons Josh Hamilton is the Christian athlete of the century

1. Redemption

His story is one of tremendous redemption. He was the number 1 draft pick in 1999. He was a five tool player, equipped with other planet abilities. But then he threw it all away on drugs and alcohol. Professional sports are virtually impossible to play for more than a few years. The average NFL career is 3.2 years and major league baseball players come and go. It's crazy that Hamilton came back from his pit. When asked he how he did, he replied, "Giving glory to God is the reason I am where I am."

2. David vs. Goliath

The team Hamilton plays for, the Texas Rangers collectively as a team makes less than A-Rod and Derek Jeter. Let me rephrase that, two guys on the Yankees make more money than all the other Texas Rangers combined. That is wild. What a David versus Goliath story. The Yankees were going for their 28th World Series too, and that's approximately how many I believe the Philistines would have won as well.

3. Josh fell

Josh stumbled. He relapsed. He didn't just need a second chance, he needed a third chance. And how did he deal with it? He was honest. I heard him discuss his relapse with me and roughly 13,000 other people at the Catalyst Conference. Then he threw a football into the crowd and almost snapped someone's sternum clean in half. Both of those events were awesome in their own way.

4. Parade of God

Rappers always give a shout out to God. In the midst of enjoying a nice jolly rancher flavored sip of "Drank," they'll say, "Shout out to God." Josh? What did he say? When asked about the game, he referenced Joshua. The book of Joshua. You don't casually bust out some Joshua. Watching the post game interviews with Hamilton was like seeing faith in 3D. It was awesome.

5. Ginger Ale

When they won the game, the Rangers bypassed the famous champagne shower and instead pour ginger ale on each other. Why? Because they love Josh and as someone who struggles with substance abuse they don't want to do that to him. When they talk about locker rooms and guys who are "cancers" to them and the bad chemistry that can exist, you get a sense of how much politics are alive and well in professional sports. But on the night they won a trip to their first ever World Series, the Rangers completely rewrote the play book and busted out some ginger ale. That's a huge testament to Josh's impact on that team.

There is a chance that growing up in Massachusetts with the Red Sox did not prepare me to fairly write about the Yankees. I admit, that is very true. But there is little denying how awesome Josh Hamilton is, which is why I am more than happy to announce he's the Christian athlete of the century.

What do you think?

[image error]

It's hard not to be proud of Billy Coffey. He and I share the same kind of road into publishing. We both started online. We both kicked around on blogs, writing and rewriting, publishing chunks and chunks of words on the Internet long before we had things in paper.

That's why it's so encouraging to see his new book, "Snow Day," doing so well. A novel about the lessons and life we sometimes miss unless forced to slow down, the response to this book has been great. As a friend, I endorsed it and was excited about the opportunity to give it away.

Post a comment answer to the question below by the end of Tuesday, October 26 for your chance to win.

Question: "Does it snow where you live?"

[image error]

If you're one of the winners, please send me an email with the name of what you won in the subject. Thanks! (Winners after jump)

Congrats to Tymm who won the autographed copy of the Braveheart script!

And the five winners of the new book from Gabe Lyons:

Stephanie I

Jeff (Slacker)

nholli9763

Brittany Dare

Profblades

Congrats to the folks who won a new copy of Lecrae's album and some other fun merch:

Doug (Last album he bought was Matt Maher)

Dana (Robert Randolph)

Willie Harris

[image error]

"If I get a chance to knock somebody out, I'm going to knock them out and take what they give me. They give me a helmet, I'm going to use it."

That's what a linebacker for the Miami Dolphins said Wednesday about the NFL trying to crack down on concussion inducing helmet hits. And he's got a point, they do give him a helmet but I don't think he took that thought far enough. For instance, they also give you cleats. I've got one word for you, "stabbing." Have you considered just leaping in the air like the guy from movie "Only the Strong" and kicking people? Look at him in that poster, who wouldn't be afraid of a man in pleated jeans jumping at you menacingly? [image error]

Come to think of it, they also give you exercise bikes to ride on the sideline in between plays so you don't go cold. What if you kicked off the stands of one of the bikes and just drove it right on the field? Forget tackling, do wheelies or bunny hops on opponents.

I should probably be an NFL coach with all the wisdom I'm able to spit, but it's not easy to be a coach. For one thing you have to wear sweater vests constantly and that's not awesome. Plus players sometimes get arrested and you have to pretend that you didn't suspect a guy who grew up without a dad and any sense of the word "no," would make mistakes when handed $10 million and an invitation to the most dangerous place on the planet, "outside a strip club." No, it's not an easy job, but I still think it's easier than something my dad and many of you have done.

I am of course talking about starting a church. That is one of the most difficult jobs on the planet. The church my dad started, Grace Baptist, in Hudson, Massachusetts turns 25 this weekend which is 907 years old in church planting terms. Instead of our typical guest post I thought I would pay tribute to all those folks, pastors and friends alike, who have done the near impossible. Many, many of you have been part of church plants over the years. And if you have, here are a few things you might recognize.

15 things that happen when you start a church.

1. You will meet in weird places that don't feel exactly like church. Our church rocked it in an old car wash for a while.

2. You don't get to choose your first members. My dad's first member was a 6'5" homeless man named Jack who used to get sick in the middle of service in what was a small, poorly acoustically prepared for giant men to get sick, car wash.

3. Your oldest members will occasionally bring their own tambourines to service and unexpectedly go up front to play them. To slow songs.

4. A whole bunch of people will think you're too conservative.

5. A whole bunch of people will think you're too radical.

6. At some point, someone will complain that the ex-stripper who sings at church is not wearing enough clothing. You will swear they did not teach you how to handle that exact situation in seminary.

7. You will accidentally do a bait and switch, promising a fun pizza event that turns into a get saved right this second moment, that the local paper eviscerates you for.

8. People in your new city will wonder what your pastor does the rest of the week since he only really "works" one day a week.

9. Your pastor will think about quitting approximately 84 times. He will think he is the only pastor who feels that way.

10. Someone on a youth group trip will break a limb. You will trust in the almighty signed parental waiver.

11. A crazy drunk guy will try to break into your pastor's car to sleep through the cold New England night, will have a nurse falsely call the pastor and say he's committed suicide and will inexplicably give one of the pastor's kids a pet snake. (Is that one too specific? Probably.)

12. You will meet in a school and become some sort of ninja black belt at stacking and unstacking chairs.

13. You will be surprised at how few people it takes to find yourself wrapped up in church politics.

14. You will be not so secretly jealous of other churches in your town who are able to have bouncey things at their Vacation Bible Schools.

15. You will laugh at how wildly off base all your fancy plans were for your community but how perfectly God provides at just the right time.

That list could be a bajillion points long and I hope you'll add to it. But today, I just want to say thank you.

Thanks to the church planters who do the crazy. Who do the impossible. Who do the difficult.

In Ohio and Tanzania, California and Canada, thank you for starting churches.

Have you ever been part of a church plant?

[image error]

It's Friday. A day for much, much mirth. With that in mind, I give you my new favorite video. Zach Galifianakis often creates a fake interview show called "Between 2 Ferns." On it, he asks celebrities really awkward questions. For instance, to Bruce Willis he said, "Which one of your kids is your favorite? I bet it's Ashton. Do you get his tweets? Do you ever call him and say "Got your tweets, good tweeting today." He also told Bruce, "When you were making 'The whole ten yards,' were you afraid it might be too good?"

Well recently, someone did the same thing to him. In this awesome video you see Zach confused at first at the horribleness of the interview and then he catches on and plays along perfectly. Because it's on public TV they even beep out the one profanity, which is like TBS editing Sex and the City. Yahtzee! Check it out after the jump:

[image error]