Jon Acuff's Blog, page 169

The book "unchristian" sold approximately 12 bajillion copies. And it did, because it's a great book.

Now Gabe Lyons has a new book out today called "The Next Christians: The Good News About the End of Christian America."

I think you'll really like it and when Gabe asked me if I wanted to give away a few copies, I of course said yes.

We'll give away five copies today. Just answer the following question by the end of Tuesday, October 5th and we'll pick 5 folks at random to receive a free book.

Here's the question:

How many books do you read every year?

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I can feel it coming in the air tonight! And I don't mean Phil Collins or even Mike Tyson doing an odd punching dance to that hit song. (And quite frankly, you shouldn't even get that reference.)

Every time the weather changes I do two things: 1. I smell candles at the Yankee Candle store. 2. I miss fall retreats.

I can't really explain it, but there was something magical about going to a fall youth group retreat as a teen in Massachusetts. Something about it being cold and being able to see your breath feels holier than a Spring retreat. I simply find thick sweaters and items made of down to be more holy than tank tops or skorts.

And now that we've entered October, churches across the country are getting ready to take teenagers on fall retreats. In preparation for that, kind of in the same way that the Nashville airport uses country stars to give you public service announcements over the intercom, I thought I would give you a public service announcement today about fall retreats. (Next time you fly into Nashville, you'll hear them. "This is Garth Brooks, please don't pet police dogs, they will bite without mercy.)

Here are 19 things every fall retreat needs:

1. A bonfire

Church retreat fires come in two sizes: 1. Too small to generate heat to even roast a marshmallow and 2. Large enough to be seen from out of space. (Expect people to confess things around the fire too, campfires make Christians 87% more honest.)

2. A rival youth group at the same location

Nothing says, "worshiping God on a retreat," like a rival youth group you can pull pranks on who happen to be renting the same facility you are.

3. A bullhorn

Every youth minister I've ever met has owned a bullhorn. I think they must give them out with their diploma at seminary.

4. A wild card guest speaker

Will he swear? Will he do some message illustration that involves whipped cream? Who can tell, he's the wild card, a youth speaker brought in from somewhere else to knock out the retreat like the Wolf in the movie Pulp Fiction. I hope to one day play this role as a speaker.

5. The guy who brings his acoustic guitar.

"What? I didn't even realize I had this on my back. Want me to play one of the three songs I know? Oh ladies, if you insist!"

6. Something confiscated.

Not sure what this will actually be, but during the retreat, at least one thing should be confiscated. A cell phone that should have been turned off, a bag of fireworks, some sort of woodland creature caught to be placed in the girls' cabin. Take your choice.

7. The girl who under packed.

"Wait, what? This is October? All I have is shorts! Instead of wearing something warm, I'm going to walk around the entire weekend blowing into my hands and telling you how cold I am. Brrrrrr."

8. The van that breaks down on the way there.

Churches tend to spend more on designing their website than they do on keeping their vans fireproof. (Did I just namedrop a Kirk Cameron movie?) If you're going on a fall retreat, expect to be on the side of the road at some point at least 3 times. (This is not to be confused with the "cool van.")

9. A location that closely resembles the set of a horror movie.

If the place you hold your retreat doesn't look like a wooded/haunted abandoned campground where an ax murderer may or may not vacation, you're not trying hard enough.

10. Someone who fears they will die without the Internet for 48 hours.

Oh the torture. The torture! Someone is going to complain about being cut off from humanity without the Internet. Tell them what they are experiencing is called "the year of 1996," and whole countries managed to survive without the Internet.

11. A conflict with the year's best college football game.

This might just be a Southern thing, but without fail, but youth group retreats always happen on the same weekend as the best college football game of the season. I'm sorry, but I bet this year you're retreat will conflict with the Auburn vs. Alabama game.

12. The Saturday Night Cryfest

You're going to cry on Saturday night. Go ahead and accept that. It's happening. Your emotions will get going and before you know it, as my friend Tyler says, you'll be right in the middle of "sloppy agape." Count on it.

13. The Good Cop/Bad Cop youth group leaders

What a twosome! Every retreat needs a youth group leader that everyone loves and then one that everyone is afraid of. Assign the bad cop to the pastor's kid. We need it, I promise.

14. The hot seat

No retreat is complete without an incredibly awkward moment where each teen sits in a chair in the center of a circle and everyone else tells them at least one compliment. Such a sweaty good time.

15. At least one moment to "go be by yourself."

Every retreat I ever attended had this moment. It usually coincides with the cryfest. The minister tells you, "Think about what we talked about tonight and go sit somewhere by yourself for a while." And then you do, and something horrible happens.

16. People who throw stuff away out of guilt.

Music, movies, magazines, start a bag labeled, "Things I'm getting rid of on the retreat, but might purchase again in four weeks."

17. Somebody who tries to "make purple."

There's going to be a few people who try to sneak off and make out. This is not a maybe, this is a definite. (Here are 11 ways to prevent it.)

18. At least one sprained ankle.

Count on this.

19. The Youth Minister thrown into a body of water.

At Centrifuge at Gordon College in Massachusetts, they had the most disgusting pond I've ever seen in my life. And for some reason we always threw our youth minister, Kurt Andre, in it. Find a body of water on the first night you arrive at the retreat and then start planning.

That list really needs a 20th item, doesn't it? I mean who has ever heard of a 19 point list? That's ridiculous.

What did I miss?

What did you love about fall retreats?

Have you ever been on a fall retreat?

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The other day my friend tried to tell me she was "street." She said this, because if you've met me, you know how hip hop I really am.[image error]

That's just fact, son. (See I put "son" in there just to prove it. Word.)

She told me, "I went to a rap concert. I've been to a rap concert!"

"Really?" I said, "Maybe I was wrong, was it fun?"

"Yeah," she said, "The concert was awesome. At one point the rapper came down to the front row and yelled to me, 'Jesus is _____?' And I yelled "Butter!"

At that point I knew she hadn't been to a rap concert. She had been to a Christian rap concert. And in the past that was a completely different experience. Don't get me wrong. I loved D-Boy and knew all the words to "Luv is a verb." But historically, Christian rap has not been the most awesome rap out there.

That's changing though.

Reach Records is consistently releasing some great Christian rap. Folks like LeCrae are forcing me to let go of my small minded, "too cool for Christian culture" thoughts.

He's a solid rapper. He has a huge heart for Christ. His albums are great. And now there's a new one called "Rehab." You can take a listen to it on iTunes right here. You can hear three of the songs right here.

Instead of a traditional ad, Reach agreed to give out some great stuff to readers of Stuff Christians Like. CDs, vinyl record, t-shirts and hoodies are all up for grabs.

To enter, just answer this question in the comments on SCL by the end of the day Tuesday, October 5th. I'll randomly pick 3 winners.

Here's the question:

What is the last song or album you bought?

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(I love a good post about prayer and I think you'll dig this guest spot from Joel. Enjoy!)

In the past, Jon has talked about prayer shot blocks, that awkward moment where someone prays the opposite of what you are praying for. Example: Someone prays God will bless a bad dating relationship they are in and their friend prays right after instead that "God would give my friend patience and clarity about her relationship."

But there's a different type of prayer shot block that needs to be discussed. I'm talking about people who refuse to pray in public when you go out to dinner as a group. Whether they politely decline or flat out shot block your request that they pray, they make it crystal clear that they won't be doing that. It's the prayer equivalent of switching seats on an airplane because you can't handle the "responsibility" of being in the emergency row.

There are six common ways people get out of praying at dinner:

1. They wait you out.

They quietly put their hands in their lap, in the dinner prayer posture. They make direct eye contact and try Jedi-like mind tricks on you. "You want to pray for this meal." Eventually they hope you will cave and offer thanks. Beware of this move, especially if you are prone to discomfort during silence.

2. They shove food in their mouth the millisecond it hits the table.

Be careful if they choose a food that doesn't go down quick such as soup or mashed potatoes. Bread works best. They'll throw in as big a piece as they can manage without choking. Innocently they will put their hand up to their mouth and grumble "Oh, I forgot to pray." Now prayer is out there on the table (along with all their spittle and crumbs), and you have no choice but to offer thanks. Unless, of course, you have a super-human ability to wait out long awkward pauses.

3. They take a phone call or go to the bathroom

This move is executed right before the food arrives. However, Christian etiquette should demand you wait for their prodigal return and this may only delay, not pass the prayer.

4. They invite the pastor to dinner.

He or she is the pray-er by default because of the deep spiritual wealth that goes with the calling. But is this third wheel (or fifth, in the case of a double date) worth it to get out of prayer awkwardness? WARNING: Pastors are known to employ all of the techniques found in this guide.

5. They have a child pray.

They have not yet developed a sense of prayer-fear in social settings. It's going to be cute no matter what. Plus mom and dad get to show-off what good Christian parents they are. That's a win-win situation right there my friend.

6. They ask the other person to do it.

Doubly effective if they call them out by name. "Mike, would you like to offer a prayer for our meal?" Triply effective if they are a pastor; the other person will feel obliged to give them a break from their day job. I double-dog dare you to be this bold when the check comes.

Am I missing any? How have you passed the prayer? How have you had the prayer passed to you?

(For more great stuff from Joel, check out his site.)

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Tomorrow, I'll be speaking during the Dave Ramsey Live event. If you go, follow me on Twitter and we'll connect during one of the breaks.

I'll also be at Catalyst next week. I can't believe it's here already. I love that conference. I can't say enough about how amazing those three days are. From the speakers to the worship, it's a surprisingly intimate time of celebrating God.

Here's where you can find me:

Wednesday, October 6 – 3:30-4:15PM

Lab: Storytelling & Community

I'm doing a 30 minute talk on how important it is to have an active community involved in the story you tell. I'll cover the 3-5 most important things Stuff Christians Like taught me about movements and then we'll do some Q&A. You should come to this lab!

Wednesday Night

Blogger Meetup

This is one of my favorite parts of Catalyst. Over 100 bloggers get together and just hang out. Love seeing friends and catching up. It's open to everyone. Register here.

Thursday – Friday

I'll be doing interviews and some video stuff backstage for Catalyst this year. The site is here. I'll also be hanging out at the Dave Ramsey booth and tent.

I don't know that we're doing any formal meetup for SCL, but follow me on twitter and I'll tell you where I'm at.

And if you see me say hi and I'll give you some buttons! I'll be the dork in the big green backpack.

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I don't know how they do it. Despite writing branding for Chick-fil-A for 3 years and working closely with President Dan Cathy, I never learned one really important secret about that company.

How do they make you want Chick-fil-A on Sunday when they're closed more than any other day of the week?

I've written about Chick-fil-A before and their West Coast Rival, In-n-Out, before. (They're like Tupac and the Notorious B.I.G. of Christian food.) We've talked about them a few times, but never have we gotten to the bottom of this unexplainable phenomenon.

Today, I want to walk us through the five steps you go through on a Sunday when you think about Chick-fil-A.

Step 1: Excitement

You wake up and in your stomach does a little, "Chicken Biscuit" dance. I know McDonald's is trying to pretend they're all southern serving sweet tea and biscuits, but they're just carpet bagging. We want Chick-fil-A!

Step 2: The Drive

You actually get in the car and head to Chick-fil-A. Today is the day! It's going to be great. Maybe you missed breakfast but now you can get lunch. It's all coming up Milhouse!

Step 3: The Thrill

Look how empty the parking lot is! Hooray, this is going to be the best trip to Chick-fil-A ever. Nobody is here, you've got the whole restaurant to yourself. That guy who refills your drink is going to be like a personal butler today. Awesome.

Step 4: The Disappointment

Wait, what? Why is the door locked? Why are the lights off? Oh no, it's Sunday or "the Sabbath" if you will. The horrow, the horror. Popular comedian Aziz Ansari, from the drastically improved "Parks & Recreation" and "Flight of the Conchords," recently said on the radio, "I'm always excited to get a Chick-fil-A on Sunday and then it's like 'nooooo they're closed!' It's always heartbreaking."

Step 5: The Idea

Could you buy some Chikc-fil-A on a Saturday and then eat it on a Sunday? Would that work or would that be like when the Israelites tried to gather up double portions of manna? Didn't that work for them on Sunday? Are you really comparing Chick-fil-A to manna? Yes, yes you are and that feels about right.

Step 6: The Substitute

You're still hungry. Even though you respect Chick-fil-A for being all Hobby Lobbied and closing on Sunday, you're still hungry and you want to get a spicy chicken sandwich. So you begrudgingly go to Wendy's and look at that sweaty heathen with her Pippy Longstocking braids. You may have lost today but tomorrow is Monday and you can fil-a all day long if you so desire.

Am I the only one that this happens to?

Have you ever wanted to eat Chick-fil-A on a Sunday?

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"Jon Acuff? He's just that guy who ripped off the site Stuff White People Like."

It's never fun to hear someone summarize your life in a negative way. It's especially painful when it's a well-known leader you look up to.

But there it was. I had intended to write about something different today until a friend passed on a sentiment that is still floating out there. And let's be honest, it's true. I've been crystal clear that this site was not my original idea. I've long touted the skill and creativity of Christian Lander, the founder of the satirical Stuff White People Like. But I think by this point you and I have turned this site into something more than just a rip off.

My first reaction upon hearing that sentence was arrogance. "Keep saying that. Bring it on. Stuff Christians Like will just keep building kindergartens in Vietnam and reaching millions of people, literally millions of people with the love of Christ while you sleep on the idea that it's just a rip off."

But as my Grandfather used to say, "Anytime you have a thought that references both Christ and the cheerleading movie, 'Bring it On,' you're in a bad place."

And I was.

Once the arrogance dissipated, I felt insecure. I'm really not the most confident person. I can talk a pretty good game but at the end of the day I'm a pretty worrisome guy prone to doubt and the occasional anxiety attack.

How about you? What do you do when you're confronted by people who don't think that much of you?

You're not a good enough mom.

You're a middle level employee and will always be a middle level employee.

You'll never be married, that window has closed.

Not every one can be special and you're certainly not.

You're pretty on the inside but not on the outside.

Barbs can come in a million shapes and sizes but the one thing they have in common is that they hurt. And when we feel the sting, we react in different ways, but I know exactly what I usually do.

I run to the barn.

And oddly enough, that is what God predicted I would do in Isaiah 30: 15-17:

"In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it. You said, 'No, we will flee on horses.' Therefore you will flee! You said, 'We will ride off on swift horses.' Therefore your pursuers will be swift! A thousand will flee at the threat of one; at the threat of five you will all flee away, till you are left like a flagstaff on a mountaintop, like a banner on a hill."

When I'm pushed into a corner, when someone has doubts about me or hates on me, I tend to run right to my barn and jump on a horse.

I ride the horse named "affirmation and approval."

I ride the horse named "achievement."

In the past I rode the horse named "drugs."

And regardless of who you are, I guarantee you have a barn too.

Maybe it's not as full as mine is sometimes, maybe it has different horses, but we all have barns on the acreage of our hearts. For some people the barn is full of porn or shopping or money or manic self improvement. There's no limit to what you'll turn to when you're sad and angry and alone.

But I am tired of riding horses.

Stuff won't save me.

Other people won't save me.

Geography won't save me. I could move to Italy today and the same pursuers would find me there. Longitude and latitude never save us.

Nothing and no one can save us. That's how it feels, yet the passage doesn't end with verse 17. The message in Isaiah has something else to say, something I've written about before. Here is verse 18:

"Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!"

I love those verses. We don't serve a Lord who likes us, we serve a Lord who LONGS for us. Showing us compassion isn't one of the things on God's long to do list, it's the reason he rises. He is a God of justice, blessed are all who wait for him.

It's time to burn some barns.

It's time to throw the lit match of grace into the dirty hay and false hope of the barns we've built for years.

It's time to watch God blow up and consume the things we thought would save us, but never really could.

Give up the horses.

The King is near.

Love has arrived.

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I can't speak for the entire country, but people in Dallas, Atlanta and Los Angeles apparently like to break up with significant others after church retreats.

I talk about that sometimes when I visit churches and conferences. And it's true, one of our favorite things to do as a Christian is to dump a boyfriend or girlfriend after a retreat. We do it because on Saturday night of the retreat, which is the cryfest portion or "sloppy agape," the minister tells us we need to lay something down tonight.

We google our heads and hearts looking for something to give up, until bing! We find it, we should give up our boyfriend or girlfriend. Especially if they didn't come on the retreat.

And I know this is something that happens across the country because when I speak about it from stage, I can see people in the crowd elbow each other.

Ahh the church elbow or "chelbow" if you will. Long held as a classic sanctuary move, it is a shame I've never discussed this. Used to perfectly punctuate a pertinent pastor's point, the elbow is designed to let people next to us know, "This sermon is for you, listen up you sweaty heathen."

But what do you do if you find yourself on the end of that elbow some Sunday? What if it's your ribs that get poked? What to do? What to do?

I have four ideas.

How to respond to a church elbow:

1. Hand them a beard of judgment

Not to be (disastrously) confused with a beard of bees, the beard of judgment is just what it sounds like. Mimicking the long, luxurious beards the Pharisees had, this beard is a thick matte of hair on a string. As soon as someone judges you, simply hand them one from your "bag o' beards," which Stuff Christians Like will soon be selling. Tell them, "You're too smooth faced to be a Pharisee, here's your beard."

2. Yell, "No, I won't make out with you."

It's like Ben Franklin, our favorite person to confuse with the Bible, used to say, "Nothing diffuses a situation faster than pretending someone is trying to make out with you." Yell this out and the threat of judgment will instantly be forgotten under a wave of awkwardness.

3. Pull out a plank from under your seat

Everyone knows the verse that says, "Don't elbow me about the splinter I have when you've got a plank in yo' eye." (That's the message version, not King James.) So illustrate that verse by pulling out an actual plank when someone elbows you. And then hit them. They'll forget all about that church elbow they tried to give you when they wake up later that afternoon.

4. Use an arm lock

These suggestions have gotten progressively violent, "but from the days of John the Baptist until now, the kingdom of heaven has been forcefully advancing, and forceful men lay hold of it." Did I just use Matthew 11 to justify a Ultimate Fighting Championship style arm lock in which you force your pew neighbor to tap out during the middle of service? Yes, yes I did.

I hear what you're saying, I do. "We don't want to carry around sacks of fake beards. We don't want to hide planks in church. We don't want to dislocate someone's shoulder as an act of grace." Well then, you and I are very different my friend.

Be honest, have you ever given someone the church elbow?

Has anyone ever given you the church elbow?

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My initial plan was to ostrich the latest church scandal in which a mega pastor has been accused of multiple, serious allegations. Similar to my Junior prom, my first thought was to just ignore it like it wasn't happening until it went away. But then at the last minute I'd invite my friend's sister for perhaps the most awkward prom ever and dance to Shai's "If I ever fall in love again, I will be sure that the lady is a friend." That's where the analogy/metaphor fell apart though.

The truth...

Deep V-Neck Syndrome.

Black Belt Hand Clapping.

The Mini-Sermon between songs.

Since March 21, 2008, Stuff Christians Like has been a bastion of hard hitting news about worship music and worship leaders. And now, I fear the emergence of a new trend that is destined to sweep the nation if it's not already firmly lodged in your church. I fear I may be too late to warn you about …

Worship leaders who refuse to sing into the microphone.

I've noticed this phenomenon for a while but like Mr. Miyagi...