Caddy Rowland's Blog: Writer of Fiction, Painter of Life and Energy, page 25

I don't know how most artists paint, but I definitely have a sort of courtship dance that I do with my work.  I always look forward to the days that I plan on makin' love to the color.  In my head I imagine spending hours upon hours lost in that special place.  It seldom happens that way for me, though.

For some reason, I have to "court" the color, or perhaps the painting.  First, I get things set up.  Easel, canvas, paints at the ready.  My favorite brushes.  The palette.  Then, the dance begins. 

Oh, I may draw a little bit, or paint the background or underpainting.  I am just as likely to do nothing, though.  I have to kind of walk around the house, looking at the canvas on the easel.  Not too bold.  Just a glance.  I don't want to make it uncomfortable.  That canvas is no hussy!  It is a rare gift to me, and I damn well better treat it right!  To paint is to be with my Creator and that is holy.  Homage must be made.

Finally, I approach.  It may be the same day, it may not.  As I begin, I play one of 4 CD's.  Dire Straights first album simply titled "Dire Straights".  Joan Osborne's CD "Early Recordings".  Joan Jett's Greatest Hits.  Or The Beatles "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band".  Why those?  I don't know.  Does it matter?  Sometimes I will listen to the radio, too.  Classic Rock, or Classical.  But mostly it is those four.  Those four are "our songs".  The songs the color and I fall in love with each other to.

I may paint three or four hours.  I may paint two.  Then, the dance begins again.  I have to walk around, glancing at it.  Look up from the table while eating and notice nuances, what works, what isn't.  Still, I don't jump up and "fix" it or elaborate.  No, no!  One cannot accost their lover.

When the time is right to begin again, I know.  I can then start to caress my lover and show it, just a little more, what I am feeling for it.  Eventually, the painting gets done.  Sometimes I feel it is a success.  Other times, I feel I have fallen far short of what I was trying to express to my dearest love.

It used to puzzle me, this game of cat and mouse.  It seemed I must be scared to just paint!  I finally realize it is not fear.  It is reverence.  It is a building of anticipation, a sensuous revelling in the erotic pleasure of creation. 


Just like making love to a human, the joy...the bliss of the act should not be ignored.  Yes, the ending is breathtaking for me, just like with sex...but, oh, the pleasure of building up to that!  That is not to be taken lightly, but prolonged so that every fiber of my being can rejoice in it. My color.  My love.  My everything.

As an artist,  I have started a journey.  I am painting the largest painting I have ever done, in a style I have never painted, of a place I have never been. Confusing?  No.  Scary?  Yes. Impossible? No. Challenging? Definitely.

I have started to paint a street scene in Paris.  Specifically the Montmartre area, where Impressionism started.  As an indie writer my first two novels take place there, in the nineteenth century.  In fact, the main character, Gastien, is an artist.

I love Impressionism, but have seldom been a painter of that style.  I usually paint from one extreme to another: realism or abstract. So, why the change? Welllll.....because I happen to believe that change is good for the soul.  It keeps the mind fresh and forces one to think in new ways.  It will also force my painting hand to work in new ways!


I also do not paint street scenes.  At least, not in the past.  Yet, here I am with the underpainting done of a street across from place du tertre (the park where Impressionists often painted in the late 1800's and many artists still paint today). 

I have not been there once.  Not in this life.  That place, though, it is so familiar.  I have lived there before.  It is the place that my soul cries for.  I know I will live there again.  My beautiful, now over commercialized Montmartre.  I hear you calling me back.  I have not forgotten you.  I never could.  Somewhere deep inside I remember every street, every building, every tree, every dirt road.


I don't know if I will get there in this lifetime, but I promise you I will try.  And, if I don't, I will do my best to return the next time.  I know nothing will be the same.  Yet everything will be familiar.  Your true home when visiting this planet always feels right to you, and you will know where it is if you take the time to listen.

For now, I will pick up my brushes, mix some color and make a poor attempt to capture some of that love that I feel for that place, that home I had long ago.  I don't know if I will have a masterpiece or what others will consider a piece of junk.  But this I do know: the final painting will carry part of my energy back to my earth home and help me connect to the place I am always meant to be.  At least while I am here on earth.  For me, it is the closest I can get to my real home; that place of eternity whenever I am not visiting here.



Oui, now you know.  If you read this carefully and know me at all, you will know.  If you don't know me, chalk it up to being slightly crazy, and extremely open minded.  A soul who embraces the "what ifs" and knows when some of them are true.  I have lived many times.  Once it was in Montmartre.  Been there, done that...will do it again.  Je t'aime beaucoup, mon Monmartre.  Je t'aime.

Another year is coming up and we all know that resolutions will be made to lose weight, stop smoking, exercise more, be kinder, spend more time with kids, and a ton of others.  Some people will even manage to keep the resolutions going for months.  Others?  Within a week or two the resolution is forgotten about.

I remember one year that I resolved to lose weight. I lost 60 pounds.  Then I got a very stressful job and gained it all back.  I sat on my ass 8 hours a day selling electronic advertising.  By the end of the day I was so mentally exhausted I just could not drive myself to exercise.  An excuse?  Maybe.  Or maybe my body and mind just needed to rest.

For this indie author 2012 is going to be the year that I learn to forgive myself.  I vow to no longer expect perfection from the time I wake up...going from one task on a list to another and always feeling like I am coming up short because there are so many tasks still left to compete.  All of a sudden the day is over, the week is over...the months are over.  And although I accomplished a lot of things I have found that I was strangely not present.  I was too busy "doing" to enjoy just "being".


I am going to just "be" this upcoming year.  Yes, I will accomplish goals.  I am a goal oriented person.  But the time frames for completion will be less strident.  If I decide to spend the day in the woods, or at the zoo, I am NOT going to feel guilty.  In other words, I am going to simply live to live.

If I don't lose weight without it being a struggle, perhaps I don't want to that badly.  If I don't push myself to do exercise every damn day, or even most of them, perhaps it is because my muscles ache.  I am tired to hearing how exercise is supposed to help that.  It doesn't.  It makes it worse.  Even yoga sometimes.  So, excuse me, but I am going to love myself.  When I feel that I would enjoy hiking or yoga, I will do it.  When I want a nap, I will nap instead.

Perhaps it is age.  I remember one person telling me that getting older was in a way a relief because your expectations are lower.  I find that is true for me.
I am going to enjoy some desserts and I am going to enjoy some salads.  I am going to sleep later when I wish.  And take a nap if I wish.

 If our house is dirty, we may clean it.  Or, we may instead decide to go play.  I fell in love with my husband because I enjoy him, not because he can clean a bathroom well.  If our house bothers people, they can stop coming over.  We will never be pigs, but at times you will see dust.  I will admit we are NOT messy, but can be dirty.  It is our dirt.  If you come over I will have a clean bathroom, but the other rooms may be dusty.  Get over it or find new friends.


I am going to write more novels because I enjoy it, not because a time frame is glaring at me.  I am going to paint more because it is who I am, not because perhaps someone will discover me. Some people will love my books and my art.  Some will hate it.  That's cool.  I will love my books and art regardless. Anything that causes emotion (and my work tends to do that) results in strong reaction.

I have finally realized that I am fabulous just as I am.  Not perfect, but just fine.  The soul in this body has waiting for acceptance for 56 years.  I accept her now.  Welcome, self, to 2012...the year of self love and acceptance.

Indie Authors have a big decision to make.



Amazon has changed the game and may be planning on taking over the publishing world.  Around mid December they started offering authors Kindle Select.  If you join, you get to be part of their loaning program and get part of the revenue shared by authors whose books are loaned to Prime members.  Prime members can borrow one book a month.

You can also offer your book free for 5 days during 90 days.  Doing so often pushes your book into the top 100 lists for the genres it is listed in and makes it appear also a "also bought" for people.  This means you may sell a whole lot more for awhile after the free days.

Not to mention that books in the Select program will probably be promoted more heavily to Prime customers.  Sounds great, right?

Well...not so much.  In order to do that, you have to go exclusively with Amazon for at least 90 days.  That means you can't sell your book on B&N for NOOK, Apple, any other book sites or even your own website.  You must have your book removed from all of those sources and only be available on Amazon.  If you stay with Select after the 90 days you must stay exclusive to Amazon.


That means you lose your reviews on those other sites.  It means those customers can no longer buy your book.  For some authors, that does not seem like a big deal.  The majority of sales come from Amazon for most anyway.

But think about it for a minute.  Doesn't that take the "indie" out of indie author?  Telling someone where they can and cannot sell their book is not exactly independent. Also, traditionally published authors don't have to play by the same rules.  They are not required to be exclusive, at least from what I understand.  If I am wrong, I hope someone corrects me.  How is that fair?

Also, if a Prime member can only "borrow" one book a month, how many times will that be an indie book?  Indie books are significantly less money.  Why would they use their one borrow for a $2.99 or .99 book when they can use it for a $10.00 or more?  Really, the money an indie will make from the loaning program won't be much.

What if Amazon pushes hard enough that almost all indies are exclusive with them?  Can't they then change the game again...and offer them a lot less profit per book?  Where are they going to go unless they start over, building reviews, etc on other sites?


I don't know.  This seems like a stranger offering me candy on a street corner.  On the other hand, other authors are jumping in and seeing a huge increase in visibility because of days their book is free.  It remains to be seen how that free turns into future sales...but it is looking promising.

So far, I have decided not to abandon my Nook users.  But they are a tough sell.  If things don't improve with Nook users and my sales, I may be tempted.  I have not published with Apple yet, but planned to.  Now this Kindle Select comes along. Still, it just feels wrong in my gut...and my gut seldom lies.

It would be easier to try it if I wrote stand alone books.  Right now I am in the middle of a series.  It does not make sense to put just one of two in a series on there only on Amazon...or does it? What about when book 3 comes out?  Should I make book 1 exclusive then, thinking that it has been out long enough on other sites already?  Decisions, decisions.

Yeah, it feels crappy, like a potentially bad situation in the future. I have been wrong before and could be again.  This is really a hard decision.  A decision every indie author will be facing with every book published. Tomorrow I may wake up and think "what the hell" and try it.  Or I may continue as is, truly indie and loving it.

        I am an indie author/publisher. I can say that because of a gift that I finally "got"; one that we all have, but usually don't open. Curious? Good!

In 2010 I went for my annual physical. The routine blood tests all came back normal like usual, and I went on with my day. There was a gift waiting for me, one that had been there since I was born; but once again I failed to open it.
Then, my phone rang. I needed to come back in because my mammogram had something suspicious on it. After another mammogram and biopsy, I got another call. The call that finally got me to open my eyes…the call that finally got me to open the gift.
I had breast cancer. I could go on and on about my feelings, my fears, the surgery, the radiation, the healing; but that is not what this blog is about. This blog is about what getting cancer forces you to do. It forces you to finally open your eyes and see the gift that has been waiting for you from the moment you were born.
It is the gift of "now".
I finally understood that anything that I wanted to accomplish in my life should not be put on a back burner for "someday". 'Someday' is not guaranteed. We all run out of "someday" sooner or later. But I did (and do) have "now". Nothing brings this home to us like the threat of no longer existing.
And so, once I was done with all of the radiation, I committed to writing five days a week, at least an hour a day. No matter what. Why? Because "now" is all I had; all any of us have.
I had always wants to write a novel. Had started a couple but never finished. This time, I knew that if I wanted it to happen, it was up to me to make sure that nothing stopped me.  Not even "someday".
Gastien Part 1: The Cost of the Dream was born from that. I self published for many reasons. I did not even try to go the traditional route. I wanted freedom. I did not want to wait (remember "now"?). I wanted to control my own destiny in regard to my writing. It came out for Kindle and Nook on August 1, 2011. Paperback arrived shortly after.
Gastien Part 2: From Dream to Destiny released the week of December 13th for Kindle and NOOK.  I am waiting for the paperback proof. I may never see the kind of success that Amanda Hocking, did...but if one Minnesota gal can do it, why not two?
I am not going to use this blog to talk about the saga/romance series of Gastien. You will find links above if you want more information. I simply want to share the gift of "now".

I could never have imagined how exciting it would be to hold my own book in my hands! It is a feeling that I am glad I got to experience. Cancer did that for me. I had always heard there were blessings to cancer, but thought it was b.s. Not so. The gift of "now" is the greatest gift there is…and it is free and available to all of us.
The cancer is gone. It was caught very early and my doctor says to plan on eventually dying from something else. Yes, of course. No one gets out of here alive. That is why I am moving right into the third book in the Gastien series, but first taking time to make love to the color for a week (as Gastien called painting). It is time. Now!
I hope this each one of you reading this will accept the gift that has always sat there, waiting for you to open it. I can't give it to you. Only you can. It is your gift of "now".
Open it. Please.                       

I am pleased to say that this year in Minnesota we had a brown Christmas.  At least in my part of the state.  I do believe they have snow in Northern Minnesota.  Am I disappointed?  Hell no!

There is nothing enjoyable about scraping ice from windshields after going out to eat, shop or anything else you might need to venture out for.  I don't enjoy shoveling mounds of frozen white stuff off the drive and walks...and my husband doesn't either.

It gets tiresome slipping and sliding all over the streets...or seeing an inch of salt eating away at your car.  Neither cars nor people are made for ice.

Bah, humbug regarding ice skating, snowmobiling, skiing or ice fishing.  Sorry.  I don't enjoy freezing my ass off staring down a hole in the lake on the off chance that some poor fish might decide to strike.  That is what supermarkets are for.


Snowmobiling?  Seems to me the only reason people do that is to go from one bar to another and drink.  Dangerous and cold.  No thanks.  A bottle of cab in my warm house works better.  Especially considering I probably won't kill myself or others making my way from one room to another.  (Depending, of course, upon how many bottles are consumed.)

No, give me a pool and a frozen cocktail over a ice rink and hot chocolate any day.  Slipping into flip flops to leave the house is much nicer than putting on layers, a coat, a hat, gloves, boots...and then standing in melted snow in stocking feet when you take off the boots later.


Why do I stay?  I love a Minnesota man.  He wants to stay because family is here.  I stay because he gives so much to me that I need to let him claim victory in a few things.  This is one of them.  So far. 

So, brown Christmas?  I was sure hoping so.  My wish was granted.  We may not even have snow before New Year's!  That will make this frozen hell they call Minnesota much more endurable.  It really is a beautiful place to live most of the year. If you manage to shorten the four to five months of winter we usually get down to three you may even get me to say it is the best place to live in the country.

Just to celebrate I think I will go out and make a leaf angel. Or would that be tempting fate by rubbing it's nose in all things not winter?

I was very excited to hear from a nephews partner that her daughter loves to write and wants to be an author.  Perhaps like most new authors now, she will become an indie author! It is always nice to know that there will be people who love to do what I do.  Kaylee is 8 years old and is a charming little girl.  Please welcome Kaylee Rae Curtis!



Christmas Traditions  By Kaylee Rae Curtis Every year for Christmas we set up the tree and we always have a lot of ornaments! My favorite ornament is my princess ornament. She has a fancy dress and ribbon and a bow.  Another thing we do is cookies. We always make Christmas tree cookies. Last year we made about 100. We had so many that we had to throw them away! But they were still good!   Another thing we do is we always go shopping for people who are nice to other people. Once mom got me Pillow Pets. And we always go to parties. Like the one was the Rowland party. THE ROWLANDS ARE SO LOUD!!! We played a dice game and ate a lot of food. And my favorite food was the sloppy joes, rice krispy bars and the fruit punch.   And another thing we do is that we go to our Grammie & Bumpa's house. Grammie and Bumpa are our grandma and grandpa. Every year we go there and we see Santa, and we eat a Christmas dinner, and then we get presents and we play with our toys.   And another thing we do is we always get emails from Santa, he tells us how old we are, he tells us if we are on the nice list or the naughty list. And last but not least, we always open our presents in the morning.******Steven Ain't Believin' By Kaylee Rae Curtis  Once upon a time there was a boy named Steven. He loved to play, but the person he did not like was Santa!One day he was playing with his friends and his friends asked him, "Do you believe in Santa?" He said,  "No. Your parents are Santa." "Do you believe in the tooth fairy, Easter bunny, or anybody?" He said, "NO!"  So one day his friends were thinking of a plan for him to think that Santa is real. So they sent a letter to Santa saying...  "Dear Santa,I know Steven has been a naughty little boy, but can you please come to his house cause he thinks your not real!"Love, Tommy & JakeSo on Christmas night Steven was thirsty, so he went down tot get a bottle of water and when he came up he....saw Santa!  He pulled his beard - it did not come off. He said, "I'm going outside." - and he saw Santa's reindeer!  He said, "You're real, you're real!"  So Steven gave Santa a big hug and went back to sleep.***

We are celebrating Christmas alone this year.  It is not the first time, nor will it be the last.  We did not decorate or put up a tree.  We have only exchanged gifts with each other three times in almost forty years.  We have always bought what we wanted during the year.  The times we bought gifts, most of them were exchanged for something else or put on a garage sale a few years later.

People want to feel sorry for us when they find out we "aren't doing anything" for Christmas.  They assume we must be depressed or Grinch's because we have not decorated (it has been a couple years since we have).

Not so. We are perfectly happy and we have Christmas spirit inside.  We just don't feel like getting out a bunch of "stuff" and then having to put that "stuff" away to get out the regular "stuff".  We are extremely busy and that is one chore we have eliminated that last couple of years.

Oh, we will decorate again.  Now that we have Gideon in our life we know the importance of making Christmas magical for him.  Once he is old enough he will want to see decorations when he comes over to Grandma and Grandpa Rowland's house and that is just fine.  Right know we just need a break.


As far as being alone, we treasure that time together.  We don't always want to be alone on Christmas. But, when we are, it is a time to just enjoy the person we love the most.  There is no pressure to be anywhere (most everything is closed).  We can stay up as late as we want, sleep as late as we want and don't have a long drive.  We don't have to clean like maniacs for company.  We can eat whatever we damn please.  We can even make love on the kitchen table if we want, because Santa ain't coming down our chimney! Yeah, people in their 50's (and later!) have sex.  Damn good sex.  Get over it. You can only hope you are that lucky when you are older.

Gifts?  I got mine early this year.  Gideon arrived next door on August 20th.  I have already blogged about our love for him.  We are now "grandparents" and I treasure every moment with him.  What better gift is there than new life that I am not responsible for 24 hours a day? We are childless by choice and grandparents by choice.  Those choices have proved perfect for us.

I also received the gift of "no cancer" in regard to the biopsy I had this fall.  When you have had cancer once that is an even bigger gift!

I got two books out this year, my first two.  It is quite a gift to hold a book in your hand that has your name as author.  The Gastien series is alive and well. I love being an indie author!

It looks like Christmas won't be white here and we both consider that a gift.  It makes the Minnesota winter a but shorter.


Lastly, I am going to be "making love to the color" (as Gastien called painting) from now until January 2nd.  No writing. Just a little promotion of my books and lots of paint and canvas.  Yeah baby!  Like Gastien, that is why I am here.  That and the writing.

I found out that my nephews 8 year old daughter wants to be an author.  She writes things and asks her mom to send them to publishers, so I am going to turn this blog over to her tomorrow.  You will be hearing from Kaylee tomorrow with some Christmas thoughts.  It would be nice if she got some comments to encourage her.

So, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy New Year or just plain old have a great life...depending on your belief.  I am off to make love...to the color!

Ok, I am going to warn you right at the start: I am feelin' snarky today.  Not gonna apologize, either.  I am not sorry...but at least I am honest.  Yup. Today this indie author is one snarky gal.

Ever notice those decals some males have on cars that say "No Fat Chicks"? They have been around now for years, all kinds of them.  What has amazed me all of those years is how the guy looks when he gets out of his truck (cuz you can bet he is drivin' a truck.  No question.  Hands down.).


One would think that in order to be choosy about a potential mates looks, that person wold have some looks himself.  I have yet to see a good lookin' guy with the No Fat Chicks decal.  I am not saying some good looking guys don't want to date to fat girls.  I am just saying that those who feel it is their right to advertise their extremely discriminating "good" taste seem to seldom look in a mirror.


Every single one of these guys that I have seen sport at least one of the following: beer gut, teeth missing, acne, balding, greasy hair, unkempt clothing, t-shirts advertising beer or NASCAR or heavy metal (and not washed in decades), or they are spitting snuff. 

Damn!  Let me tell you, fat girls across the country breathe a sigh of relief when they see that decal.  One less ahole to worry about in their life.  The day suddenly seems a bit brighter.

Hey, redneck, here is a newsflash for ya: You would need to tie a T-bone to your trousers to even get a bulldog to sniff you.  No need to worry about a fat girl.  You think you deserve a fashion model?  Well, I used to look like one when I was younger.  Let me tell ya, you would not have had a chance in a million years.  And guess what?  Now that I am 56 and have a big ass, you still would not stand a chance in a million years.  So dream on, darling.  All men want the pin up girl.  Most, though, don't look like Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp so perhaps they need to get over themselves a wee bit.

Gals, I think it is time that we get a few decals for our cars.  How about "No Missing Teeth?" or "No Hairy Ass Crack Sticking Out Jeans?"  or maybe
"No Rednecks With IQ of 20?"

Sorry, guys.  The funny thing is, most rednecks don't even know they are.  I am going to end this with my favorite song. 

"If you're redneck but don't know it, clap your hands!
If you're redneck but don't know it, clap your hands!
If you're redneck but don't know it, well don't worry
You sure show it!
If you're redneck but don't know it, clap your hands!"

Later.  Gotta go thank my lucky stars that Joe Redneck down the street is not attracted to me.  Damn.  I have always fantasized about how his big gut must bounce when he's doing the "wild thang". Be still my heart!

My head is once again ready to explode!  Ain't technology grand?  Yeah, it is...but sometimes I swear one brain is no longer enough if you engage in the myriad of technology available.


I have a pc that I wrote my first two books on as an indie author.  Then, last spring I bought a laptop so that I could edit and write outside during the spring and summer.  Trust me, in Minnesota you want to soak up every nice day in preparation for 4 months or more of cold!

The only problem is I am constantly needing to back up and transfer or else I don't have what I need at whatever computer I am working on!  Yesterday I tried to get a bit more organized by moving more files to my laptop.  I hope to eventually use that exclusively.  Once this pc fails I won't replace it because I love my laptop; however, I do like the 24 inch monitor of my pc.  It is easier to read.  So I find myself here blogging and other things.


Don't even start about email addresses.  I have so many that I don't remember some of them!  My original one was so full of spam I put box trapper on it...and now many people are rejected even if I set up filters.  So, that one if just for some friends and family that are lucky enough for the damn filter to accept them! That filter is much more choosy about friends than I am.


Then I started one for my art and for other friends, etc.  That was great, and I started requesting book reviews etc from it.  All of a sudden I realized that it would be easier to have one email address for all things "author" related.  Great.  Except some promotions and reviews are stored in files under the art one.  Sigh.

I find myself going back and forth, usually screwing up what I send.  Misty gets the .pdf and Katie gets the .mobi...and then I realize it should have been the other way around...well, you get the picture!

Dear me.  Then there are all my "favorites" or "bookmarks" on my pc from when I wrote the first two books in my series.  Except now I write on my laptop.  So I need to look up each of those for the laptop...my head is so mixed up I can't think straight.

You know what?  I have only one place where my favorite Cabernet sits waiting.  That is not at all stressful or confusing.  I think maybe it is time to go say hello to Louis M. Martini.  He and I seem to frequently see eye to eye...or should I say mouth to bottle?