S.M. Butler's Blog, page 18

I figured I would make a quick post here with a little updating on what I'm doing right now. I work full-time now, so I don't get to write or be creative as much as I used to when I was a full-time writer. But those days will come back once I get momentum going again.

I'm working on an urban fantasy at the moment that I totally put aside about six years ago or so. Maybe more. I burned myself out on it, but I pulled it out the other day, and something sparked when I reread it. The story was there. It was rough, and I had a lot of fluff but man, that story was clear as day like I'd never stopped working on it.

It's funny how that happens. I have a few stories I've abandoned over the years that I pull out and I have no idea where I was going with it. Like it ends on a weird note, or in the middle of some conflict and I'm left with the worst cliffhanger because I wrote it and had no clue what I was going to do with it. But this one... The story was there. I knew exactly where it was going. It was like it hadn't been 6 years since I wrote on it at all.

I know it's different from the contemporary romances I write, but I'm hopeful that folks love me for my writing style over what I write. I've always been all over the place. I just only ever finished and published the contemporary work. I'm probably going to put the first chapter out on Patreon this week for subscribers as soon as it's in some sort of readable form. I'm not guaranteeing that chapter makes it to the final book copy, but I think it would be fun to show you guys what I'm working on and that's what my Patreon is supposed to be for. For fun and I need to start using it for that again.

Oh, and this isn't a writing update, but I'm renewing my Adobe Creative Suite today. Yay! That makes me really happy because I've been using these apps from the Apple App Store that kind of do the same thing but not quite and haven't been able to use my drawing tablet in forever now. I'm really excited to get my Adobe back. It's just not the same using other software.

Okay, I think that's all I got right now. It's kind of a short post today, but that's okay. I talk enough most of the time, I think you guys might actually like a short post once in a while. ;)

 

Ok, so this isn’t my challenge but I’m doing it. Or I’m gonna try. Most of you know I have a slight obsession with planning, which led to a disastrous attempt at an organizational website for authors a while back.

Things I need to remember… I don’t plan enough to be a professional blogger who blogs about planning. But I thought this challenge would be fun, because it’s just snapping pictures of things I really already have.

So I’m going with it.

Come play with me on instagram this month. Or find me on Snapchat (@suzanbutler) as I try to figure out what the hell I’m doing there.

 

Ok, so this isn't my challenge but I'm doing it. Or I'm gonna try. Most of you know I have a slight obsession with planning, which led to a disastrous attempt at an organizational website for authors a while back. Things I need to remember... I don't plan enough to be a professional blogger who blogs about planning. But I thought this challenge would be fun, because it's just snapping pictures of things I really already have.

So I'm going with it.

Come play with me on instagram this month. Or find me on Snapchat (@suzanbutler) as I try to figure out what the hell I'm doing there.

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So one of the biggest things I've done when trying to get back into being creative is to start reading craft books again. I've already read a bunch, so I went into my ebook library and picked a few to start rereading.

The reason I did that is simple. I felt like I forgot how to write. It had been several months since I had written fiction, and I wasn't feeling confident in my abilities anymore. The first time I sat down to write, I stared at the screen for half an hour wondering how to start. I wasn't very successful that first session.

The truth of the matter is that writing is a muscle that can get atrophied if it's not used. It has to be exercised, even if it's just a little bit every day. So you don't end up staring at a screen, wondering why you can't remember how to do it.

Right now, I'm rereading all my how to write a screenplay books. I actually have no interest in writing a screenplay, but I've found the plotting advice is tight in almost every one of them. Because they have to write a story in 100 pages that generally takes novelists 300 to do.

Obviously, the format is different, but it is still a very condensed version of what novelists do. So as a result, I feel like screenplay writers have this very unique talent to boil away the fat and just leave the meat of the story when they write. I think that's a very important lesson that all story writers should learn to do, so that when they are writing, they know what is the fluff they don't need, and what they do need to make it an amazing read.

And then finally, I'm reading Jennifer Probst's Write Naked. It's all about her journey as a creative, and finding herself in the midst of losing herself. It's not quite what I expected from a "how to be an author" book, but I love her as a person, and I knew I would love that book. And you know, I do. I struggled a lot with failure in 2016, and a lot of it bled into 2017. So it's good to know that truly "successful" authors can feel like a big, fat failure too.

The strangest thing is that I was writing this blog post, and then came across that book. Someone meant that book for me. I'm glad I found it. I'm thoroughly enjoying the read. I imagine I'll write more about it after I finish the book. Honestly, I'm just happy to have my writing juju back. I'm happy that creativity is back in my life and that I'm feeling good about it again.

So let's talk. Have you ever had a creative drought? What's the one thing that jump started your creativity when you started to pull out of it? What made you come back to it? 

One of the questions I wondered during design school is how important is sketching now that we live in a computerized age. Is it a defunct technique we no longer need, or do we need now more than ever?

When I was first starting back as a creative person, this question sort of answered itself. I remember the first time I sat in front of the computer and tried to write. Maybe it was because I was forcing it, but I don't think so. It didn't work out well for me, and I think that is because it put too much pressure on me.

I stepped away from the computer and didn't touch it for days after that. It was strange. A year before, I couldn't go without writing every day, and now, I was having trouble even sitting down at the computer to write. It was too much.

I did some other stuff instead of writing. I worked on handlettering. I worked on web design. I worked on logos for companies that didn't even exist. And really, it was fun. That's when I realized I was pigeon-holing myself. Because I'm not just a writer. It makes up a large majority of what I am, but it isn't all that I am. I needed more.

So I stepped away from the computer. I played with hand lettering, some of which I have posted here. I pulled out an old notebook and started playing with it. Playing with the space on the page, figuring out how I could cover it, and how I should let the space show through. Positive and negative space. 

This brings me to the question... Is sketching still needed? Is it important still? I hated it in school. It drove me up a wall to keep a sketch journal. But now I find that I carry one around with me everywhere I go. Even to work, even though I never ever touch it there because I just don't have time while I'm running around.

So is it needed?

I think about all the times I've turned my laptop screen down and moved to the couch with a notebook and just wrote. Or all the times I was in class, bored, and started doodling or writing new chapters. There is something about turning off the technology, and going back to basics. Going back to pen and paper. Mindless doodling sometimes brings out the best in us, the most creative, think outside the box part of us.

Do I think it's needed? Do I think it's important?

Obviously, yes, I do. I wouldn't be writing this if I didn't. It worked for me. It brought me back to writing when the computer scared me away. It let me play with the creative part of my mind without restrictions, without needing to know how to do something particular on the computer. I could just create, and not worry about how to do it, or if I could figure it out as a vector, or will it work with the story. It didn't matter on paper.

Sometimes the old way works better than new ways.

Not saying I'd ever give up my computer, but sometimes it's just right to sit back with a notebook and just let the creative flow come from my fingertips through a pencil. This week, I'm going to try it with writing. It works for design, so I think it'll do well for writing as well. I'll report in next week and let you know how it goes.

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Here we are. Two years after I lost my creative mojo, and I'm sitting here on the cusp of a brand new website, and a new creative drive.

You may have noticed that the old posts from my author journal are no longer around. I decided that with the inception of a brand new creative venture, it's time to wipe the slate clean and start over fresh. I loved the community I built on it, but it got to the point where I was severely negative about myself.

And it wasn't getting any better.

So it was time to retire that journal, and start new. So after more than a decade of using Wordpress as my blogging platform, I'm now using Squarespace. Why? Mostly because they offered it as part of the hosting package, but also because it was the easiest way to separate myself from my old site.

It's hard to let go of the past, of course, and part of that does define me. But because I no longer want to be just an author, but a creative in all things, and that's how I want to be defined, it's become necessary to let go. Because I took so much time off from writing, I had to get a full-time job that zaps my creative vibes to pay bills. Here's the challenge for me. I want to get back to being creative full-time, and that's where you guys come in.

I need your help.

Once I get going, and start posting the stuff I create, I need you guys to help me share it with the world. I need you guys to encourage me to create and have fun with it. Pat my head and tell me I'm pretty. Ok, maybe not that last part, but I won't get mad if you want to do that. Haha.

Most everything will be on my Patreon page, which you are more than welcome to pledge to to help me out, but it won't be required. I will post some things here too, and I hope that you guys will enjoy them.

Why did I do this?

I've kind of explained that it's a time of change for me, and that I needed to toss out the old to bring in the fresh and new. The bottom line here is that I hold on to things, and I'm incapable of letting go sometimes. By deleting all, and starting over, I'm forcing myself to move forward.

My primary plan is to blog here at least once a week. Updates on what I'm doing, sharing new work. Anything I can think of that I think that y'all will enjoy and love seeing as much as I loved creating. I don't know how it's going to work out yet, but I'm optimistic for the first time in months. I'm excited, and full of energy.

It's like the beginning of a book for me, when it's all fresh and new and I don't know yet where I'm going to go with it.

Stick with me.

Dream with me.

Create with me.

It's gonna be a blast. I just know it.

Want to support my creative endeavors?

Check out my Patreon page and sign up!

It's only $1 a month for the lowest tier, and every bit helps me to grant more time to create for you!

Click the image below to head over to my Patreon page now!

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So I had this whole other journal entry sitting here, written and ready to go when I actually reread it before I hit post. And then I deleted it all, except for the first two sentences. You’ll see why I did when you read the rewritten version below. It’s way less depressing than the original post. LOL.

In rereading the last few entries here on the blog, I realize I’ve been a little down in the dumps. And I’m trying to figure out how to best not make that consume me because really that doesn’t make for entertaining reading either. I feel like while I gain sympathy from some folks, that’s really not what I need to be successful again. I’ve been wallowing in self pity for months. Why I can’t do this or do that. Why I can’t manage to not be the laziest bitch in the world. Okay, maybe not the second part of that, because I’m far from lazy, but that’s how it’s been going lately.

So no more feeling sorry for myself on here. No more complaining about not writing. No more worrying about why I’m not writing or why I’m not motivated. It’s time to get my ass in gear. So what I need is a plan. And you guys know, I love plans. Plans are motivating. Plans are fun. And plans make me feel good when I achieve my goals.

This is what I’m going to do.

Before I do anything else, I’m going to sit down and figure out a new Five Year Plan. Taking a year off blew the other one to shit, but that’s okay. I’m here now. No wallowing in the past mistakes. That’s probably going to be the hardest part of what I need to do to get back on track.

Goals make me feel amazing when I achieve them, and I think I forgot that, or maybe I selectively didn’t remember it. Who knows?

1. Stop being flighty with writing projects.

I was avoiding giving myself too much pressure when it came to writing, but it’s pretty obvious that I need a little bit of pressure, so after I figure out the new Five Year Plan, I will be setting real deadlines for myself, and sticking to them. They won’t be the massive ones I set for myself when I was in full swing, because now I have a full time job that I have to work around too. But they will be consistent and doable.

2. Be consistent.

Speaking of consistent, I’ve been going a week or more without writing, and then I’ll binge write for one night and call it good for awhile. But the bottom line is that if I want to achieve the goals I’m going to set, I have to be consistent and regular, and I can’t go one or more weeks without writing. It needs to be a daily routine for me to sit down and write for a couple hours.

3. Love myself, and know that I am human.

This one will be the most important, because I think I treated myself like a machine before. My schedule will be a lot more hectic this time around, so time management, and treating myself nicely will be more important, as I’m already usually exhausted from work every day as it is. My job is very hands on, and I’m on my feet for 10 hours every day and moving constantly. I don’t ever sit down until I get off work and get in my car.

What I’d like from y’all…

The bottom line is that I need to write to be happy, and it’s been over a year since I’ve felt that rush from it. What I’m asking of y’all is to tell me when I’m being self-defeating. I don’t always see it in myself, and it keeps me from being able to write. So I want to post upbeat things, talk about my plans, and have fun with y’all. I don’t want to be the Debby Downer.

So, all that said… Here’s my plan for the week:

Sit down and create a Dream Sheet… a list of everything I’d love to have in five or ten years. Dream big, and let nothing hinder it.
Use those Big Dreams to create a new Five Year Plan.
Finally stop being a ninny, and get back on the Dave Ramsey Money Makeover thing. (Yes, I know this one isn’t writing, but it’s kind of important too, so I’m including it)
Write 250-500 words a day for 5 days straight.

Okay, there it is. I wrote it all down, so I have to do it now. I’ll will post another update next week, so we can see how I do. Haha. Don’t let me forget, LOL. I just might…

 

It’s been a few months since I updated the blog here. I keep saying I’m busy and things are going on and all of that is true. But the bottom line is that I’m not making the time. Not that I’m doing it on purpose, but that’s what’s going on.

I got a new job, working overnights, so it’s been a bit of an adjustment on my body. I’ve been super tired and trying hard to find a new routine for myself.

So I wake up around 3pm now, and my routine consists of me getting coffee, and sitting down to check the computer. It’s always writing related, but not always writing itself. It’s email, or it’s blogging, or it’s website stuff, or it’s just listening to writing podcasts. I know you can’t edit a blank page, but the core of my problem has been that I just don’t feel like it. I’m unmotivated cuz it seems like such a big thing to dive back into when I’ve been out for a year. So, motivation has been what I’ve been working on the most.

I’ve also been getting into micro habits to try to help as well. Changing or adding one little new habit for 21 days before I add another thing. I know it takes time to change one year of inactivity. These little things don’t seem like they do a lot, but I feel different than I used to. Less defeated or overwhelmed, I guess. More hopeful that I’ll get back to my old ways.

We shall see how I’m doing in a couple weeks.

I know that’s a weird thing to title a blog post, but it’s kind of appropriate. I’ve been struggling a lot this year, with a lot of things, and some that I haven’t been able to handle well. I can’t even tell you what started it or what triggered it. But it’s something that’s been with me for a long time, and it’s caused me to sabotage a lot of good things in my life.

In fact, I haven’t been able to put a name to it until recently, and even now that I have, I’m not sure I’m right. It’s nuts, but it seems to explain a lot of my self-sabotage in my life and the way I retreat from public when things start going wrong.

I remember in elementary school, I got put in the corner because I refused to speak in class. Actually, I refused to speak outside the house at all. At home, I babbled like there was no tomorrow, but as soon as I hit the public areas, I was a mute.

People tried everything to get me to talk and that only made it worse. I’d sink behind my mom or dad and hide. It was so bad, that my first grade teacher wanted to hold me back. But my parents told them no. When I got older, my dad asked why I did that. And I didn’t have an answer for him. Only that I just didn’t want to. I’m still not really sure why, but I think it’s partially fear.

When we moved, and I was starting third grade, we went to see Mrs. Tucker, who would be my 3rd grade teacher. I still remember her saying hello to me, and encouraging me to just say hello. And I remember that it was the hardest thing I had ever done to that point to say hello back. It was mumbled and quiet, but I managed to get it out and I don’t think I’d ever seen my parents so happy. It was a huge deal for me. It opened the gateway for me to talk in school, and in other places where I had previously been mute.

I’ve had so many instances like that, where there was something that was so incredibly hard for me to do that wouldn’t have been that hard for anyone else. My life is full of those little cornerstones. I never understood that these were little things that bothered me but not others.

I took pretty much the entire year off from writing, social media, and shut myself off from the world. I can’t tell you why, or what happened to trigger it. But it’s the same as when I was a little first grader who got put in the corner for not speaking in class. A year later, it was incredibly hard to make that first post on Twitter saying hello or that post on Facebook saying “hey, I’m still alive!”

It’s been a week now that I’ve been posting here and on Twitter and Facebook, and while I’m not back to normal, I do feel a lot better about it. It’s another cornerstone passed, another hurdle overcome. I wish I knew exactly what happened. I have theories, but I don’t know for sure.

I feel good that I’m getting back online. I’ve missed so many people–writers and readers–and I’m loving reconnecting with them all. It’s exciting to me, like a while new world, and daunting at the same time.

I still don’t really know what the fuck is wrong with me but that’s okay. Eventually, I’ll figure it out. For now, I’m happy seeing peeps I haven’t seen in forever.

They may be online friendships, but some have been good friends for a long time. They wouldn’t let me give up on them. They sent me text messages and called me, made me check in to make sure I was alive and okay. They also respected my space and knew I needed it.

Those are the friends I’ll keep forever, even when I try to push them away. Because they are worth it.

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