S.M. Butler's Blog, page 37

The one thing I hate in my life is how emotional I can be. I hate feeling things. I hate being miserable, being angry, and sometimes, I hate being happy too.

I also realized this week that I am being dishonest emotionally with people.

I have led an emotionally dishonest life. I have pretended to be happy. I have pretended not to feel the things I feel.  I have spent my life being the Mirror on the Wall and convincing the Queen that she’s the prettiest bitch there ever was. It was a misguided effort to protect myself emotionally. It was a way to control the way people viewed me and felt about me, because then they couldn’t hurt me.

Control in any form isn’t healthy as the obsession I made it. But I can’t seem to help myself. I’m simply too damaged to understand what I’m doing.

But with this blog series, the goal is to heal the damage I’ve done to myself, to find a new way to live my life. Which means… If I feel something, want something, think something, I need to acknowledge it. I need to understand that it’s okay that I have thoughts and feelings of my own. It may not seem challenging to you healthy types out there, but for me… it’s a big deal. I’ve lied to myself for so long. Told myself that I wasn’t angry at the world or myself. I still knee-jerk towards these behaviors, but I’m starting to notice it now.

The funniest thing about all this is that it ends up being about one thing: I’m afraid of rejection.

I can handle professional rejection. If someone doesn’t like my writing, then they don’t like my writing. They aren’t my reader and that’s okay. There’s no author out there that will ever please 100% of their readers at any given time.

My personal kryptonite is personal rejection. All my life, I wanted to be that daughter that my parents could be proud of. But like anyone, I made mistakes. And I was younger, so I constantly heard about how awesome my brother was. I strove to be like him, but I never made it. He was always one step better. He was the favored child. And to this day, my parents insist that they struggled to be fair to the two of us, and I believe that is true, that they tried to be fair. But they are only human and my brother was the eldest and the son.  Favoritism happened, whether my parents wanted it or not.

I think that is where it started. When I made friends, they were the “pretty one” and i was the non-threatening average girl next door. I agreed with everything. I had no opinion that was different from theirs. When I started dating, I never admitted I liked a boy, and if I did, it would only be after it was so painfully obvious that he was into me. But if he was too into me, if he ever loved me, then he’d have to take something away from me. I could not be loved. It wasn’t done.

This is where my trouble with dating comes in. It’s hard to get anything off the ground. I never meet men. I’m in a profession largely dominated by women. And if I do meet a man, it’s highly likely that a) he’s already married/taken or b) he’d never know I ever liked him, because I wasn’t going to be the one to tell him.

Something has to change. I have to change. I think it’s good that I’ve realized this. I may not be able to fix this mess in my head. I may be damaged beyond possible repair.  But one thing I do know, is that I’m going to try. I’ve spent the time rambling through this blog post, and I needed it. It’s time to take a step back. It’s time to allow myself to be emotionally honest with those that I love, and with myself.

And of course, you Dear Readers, who have stood by me and watched me drop the pieces and pick them up over and over again right here on this blog.

Welcome to another edition of Mad Monday! Today we’ve got Alicia Audrey, the Municipal Liaison for the Bahamas, talking about what to do to plan for NaNoWriMo. For those that aren’t familiar, NaNoWriMo is a 30 day challenge during the month of November to write 50,000 words. It’s a lot of fun, and I’ve done it every year since I discovered it. If you can, seek out your local NaNo group. I highly recommend.

Prepare for Success

Image by breezybealle.deviantart.com

NaNoWriMo is quickly approaching, and all the internet is abuzz with plans and excitement. Even the pantsers seem to be doing a little planning, even if it’s just their meals. We have to think about a lot of things in advance when fall finally falls!Here are a few things you can do before November 1 to make it a smooth month:

Plan your meals. You already know you’ll be busy trying to hit that word count, but you still have to eat. Try to make things that you will have leftovers you can freeze and transform into something else. For example, I often prepare far too much ground beef at once. On any given day, I may season a ton of meat, then make six patties, wrap them individually and freeze them. The rest, I cook in a non-stick pan. Freeze some to make burritos later, and use the rest of spaghetti sauce. Easy!


Snack smart. Prepare for those times you’ll bit curled up on your couch with your laptop, longing for something sweet to snack on. Buy lots of fresh fruit. Apples, grapes, kiwi and oranges work wonders for those sweet cravings. Don’t feel the need to give in to junk every time. (Of course, it’s sometimes necessary.)


Build a support system.Get people on your team. Let your friends and family members know about your goal. Tell them to encourage you. Make sure they know that your mood may be a little different around the third week when you’re not hitting your word count as easily as you did in week one. When people know you’re goals, they’re better able to help. Maybe your husband will take over dish duty. Maybe your children will make tea for you. Maybe everyone will just.shut.up. Wishful thinking? Maybe your friend will bring lasagna over so you can have an extra hour of writing. Maybe your boss will give you an extra 15 minutes for your lunch break. Who knows? Give it a try!

Image by mooseyup, NaNoWriMo participant

Develop your characters. As much as possible. Make your characters three-dimensional. Make sure you know their backstory. What is his family life like? Where did she go to school? Who are his friends? Where does she hang out? Why do he walk that way? What are her habits and quirks? What is his greatest strength? If she could change one think about herself, what would it be? What does he want? What is standing in his way? What does she need to do? Why? The more you know about your characters, the more clearer they will be presented to the reader. The reader needs to understand your characters. They need to feel like they know them. Only then can they establish a connection and actually care about what happens to your characters.


Write your premise. Don’t confuse this with a summary. The premise is a sentence (or two if you really need more) that introduces your character, his/her conflict, and has a hook. This will cement your best-idea-ever in your head, and you will always be able to go back to it to make sure you’re on the right track. If a scene does not relate to your premise, that’s a good sign that you may need to kill it. Write a premise! It may take some time, but it’s worth it.


Know your plot points. Every scene should move your story forward, in the direction of the next plot point. You may not want to plan every single scene, but it’s important to know what you are working toward. What is supposed to happen next? You are far less likely to hit a road block when you have a defined destination, however distant. Knowing your plot points is like having dots forming a picture. They’re already there, and all you have to do is connect them. It’s a happy medium between plotting and pantsing. Here are some points you can figure out ahead of time:

Hook – Do this as early as possible. This is what invests the reader in the story. Appeal to emotion. Make readers believe reading this book is going to be a great experience.
First Plot Point – This is about 25% in. Your conflict enters at this point. The reader is introduced to your antagonistic force. The readers see what the two sides want.
Midpoint – This is, obviously, about 50% in. Something happens to shift the understanding of the reader or the character.
Second Plot Point – This, at the 75% mark, is the last opportunity to present new information. The character must now have everything needed to go after what he/she wants, and win the fight.




Schedule your writing time. Be consistent. Try to set a routine you can stick with. If you’re a morning person, waking up an hour early to write may work for you. Maybe you can spend 45 minutes of your lunch hour on your novel. Does your house go quiet around 10pm, giving you the quiet you need to work? Make your schedule work for you, and honor it.


Wear your participant badge proudly. Put it on your blog. Use it for your Facebook profile picture and your twitcon. Print it out and stick it on your laptop. People will see it. Some will ask about it. Some will say, “Oh, me too!” You will be encouraged, complimented, and motivated. You will be held accountable.

NaNoWriMo success can be yours! Plan as much as you are comfortable with ahead of time. October is, after all, NaNoPlaMo. That’s right! It’s all about planning the novel you’re writing in November. Plan what you can, and pants the rest.

For more NaNoWriMo tips and information, follow my NaNo-specific blog, where I post at least twice every week. Connect with me on NaNoWriMo through my participant page. To get involved with the small NaNoWriMo Bahamas community, like the Facebook page, and follow our twitter page. We’re a small region, and we’re happy to have others join us, especially in our online events.

Happy NaNoWriMo!

Please leave any comments or questions you have for me. I’ll be around to answer them all!

~~~

Alicia Audrey is a writer, editor, critique professional. She lives, works, and writes in The Bahamas. Alicia is the NaNoWriMo Municipal Liaison for The Bahamas. She is preparing to write her new novel – one that has been begging to be brought to life on the page – in November with thousands of other participants. She working on a short story and flash fiction collection for publication. Follow her on twitter at @_AliciaAudrey to keep up with her projects and progress.

I’m a little late with today’s checkin. But I got it done. It’s been a good couple weeks for me, y’all. I’m finally settling into a workable routine.

Writing Stuff
My goals:

Finish the hockey romance, Off Her Game, and submit that to the requested places.
Write To Score His Heart, hockey romance #2.
Edit and publish the Christmas novella by late October.
Write zero draft of the untitled fantasy bounty hunter story.
Plan writing/publishing schedule for the Spring/Summer 2013 season.

Current Progress:

Christmas novella is out to CPs. So this week I’ll be working on the edits as I get them back.
In the meantime, I’ve been working on a new science fiction romance that I hope is going to be a novella length. It’s been fun to write, mostly because it’s not required to be finished at any certain time.
I have the final edits to do for Off Her Game to do, which I’ll probably work on next week before sending off to CPs.
I still haven’t planned out the Spring/Summer yet. I’m really trying to see what I get done in the fall, because I tend to write more in the fall/winter than I do the rest of the year.

Design Stuff
My goals:

Continue to work on school design projects. I’m in the home stretch. I have three quarters left.
Line up projects for 2013. (So, like, if you need some graphic work done… I have some openings…)
I really want to stretch my knowledge and improve my skills so I’ve bought some digital art and Photoshop books. My plan is to read one book or work from one book every two months.
Create a stockpile of pre-made covers to offer on the website in the future. I actually have about 20 right now, but I’m really looking to expand that to 80 before offering them for sale on the website. I like having buffers.

Current Progress:

Got all projects done last week. Yay! Got a few more to do this week. I love having a lot of art classes, but they keep me really busy.
I’ve got two more projects for 2013. I think it’s to the point where I need to figure out how many a month I can logically get done.
I read a Creative Freelancing book, which is more about the business aspect of the design process. It was a really good book.
I haven’t had time to do the pre-mades and honestly, it’s not really a high priority at the moment.

Personal Stuff
My goals

Continue to blog every day for the 365 Days to Life series, because that’s really fun and it’s doing what I’ve needed it to do.
Increase my income 15% to put me on the path to a new, better quality of life.
Stick to the Total Money Makeover plan and get an emergency fund set aside before the end of the year.
Stick to the actual WeightWatchers plan to lose 15 lbs.

Current progress:

Need to work harder on the blogging. It slowed down a lot this week. So I’m going to work on getting better at that.
Being more strict with myself on my diet, and it showed. Lost two lbs this week.

My weekly plan

So we went over the overall goals. Here’s my weekly lists.

Last week’s goals:

To finish and get the Christmas novella edited and formatted.
Blog at least every other day.
Start the detox diet.(I lost two pounds!)
Start the critique of a CP’s manuscript.(Yay!)
Don’t kill myself with school.(Obviously, still alive…)
Go out and have fun at least one night. (I actually have two nights planned, but we’ll see how it works out…)(Had a great time!!)

This week’s plan:

Got the Christmas novella done, sent to CPs. Due back at the end of this week, so final edits will be next week.
Blogging sort of fell off this week. I’ll be back at it this week though. Want to post at least 4 times.
Also scheduling guest blogs for November this week.
Diet is going well. Sticking with that. Want to drop another 2 lbs.
I love my CPs. Want to get through five chapters this week on one of the manuscripts.
Get out of the house at least one day.
Exercise 3 times this week.

I think that’s it! How’s your goals going this week?

 

 

I’ve sat on this blog post for a couple days. For some reason, I didn’t want to post it. Then I realized that there really isn’t a reason. I’ve said much worse things about myself than this post, but for some reason, this post sticks in my mind.

Being a singe parent isn’t easy.

I know that. But I get these compliments from people sometimes about how brave I am. Well, I don’t feel brave. I don’t do what I do because I’m courageous. I’m not a single parent because I’m just that kick ass. I do it because my choices are limited. Believe me, if I had the money, I’d totally be the person who marries a Russian mail order husband so he could cook and clean and watch my kids while I go out and have fun with my friends.

The other thing that people compliment me on is how open I am here on the blog and how brave that is.

It’s not bravery. It’s a lack of choices. Because of my complete inability to talk to someone face to face, to understand that I’m not, in fact, completely shattered as a person, I’m forced to air my own dirty laundry here, on the blog, thus breaking every rule I’ve ever read about authors blogging.

But I needed to figure this whole mess of my life out. This isn’t a clever marketing ploy. This is an act of survival, because I can’t keep going the way I’m going. Things have to change. I HAVE TO CHANGE. A big part of this is a business decision. I cannot function as a businesswoman with all this pent-up anger and frustration. It has to come out.

Every time I write one of these blog posts, I’m shaking with nerves.

I freak out when I get that notification of the first comment, no matter if it’s a good or a bad one. Luckily, I’m not popular enough to warrant a troll here. So I’m relatively safe for a while.

Bravery isn’t something that I feel that could claim, because of how afraid I am to come here every day. But on the same hand, maybe I am… I remember a M*A*S*H episode. Hawkeye talked about what bravery is. I don’t remember what episode it was. I wish I did. I should probably watch that show again. It was chock full of life lessons.

Here’s the main gist of what Hawkeye said:

Bravery isn’t courage. Bravery is what happens when a person is too cold, too hungry, and too miserable to go on anymore.

That’s me. Metaphorically, of course, because I do have a roof over my head, and a cupboard full of food in my kitchen. But that’s me to a T. I’m in the middle of a transition, changing and growing, afraid to feel, afraid not to feel. I fret and stress and I drive my family and my friends bonkers with my incessant changes, acting like a crazy person.

I talked about panic attacks before. Since I started this personal journey, everything is changing. The panic attacks are coming back too. But this time, I feel like having them is a good thing, because then I know that things are changing.

It’s not a clean change. It’s messy, and bloody, and impossible to contain. But calling me brave? I don’t think I am. I’m just sitting here, flailing around, trying to make sense of the things that don’t make sense.

Whee! I’m so excited to announce that my Christmas novella, O Christmas Three now has a cover!

There’s a lot of work that goes into publishing a book. This is definitely not a solitary endeavor. There’s many, many people to thank for making it possible to do. Special Thanks to Team Awesome, who put up with my mood swings and the multiple versions of the crappy covers that came before this one and my fear and have talked me off of more than one ledge in our friendships together.

I still have some work to go. O Christmas Three is off to Team Awesome for some slicing and dicing and bandages to stop the bleeding on the pages.  After that, there’s another round of edits and proofreading, and finally, formatting and uploading to go. Release date is coming soon, this month in fact, so there’s a lot of work over the next couple weeks to do.

I’m excited though, so without further ado, here’s the cover and blurb for O Christmas Three:

Title: O Christmas Three

Genre: Contemporary Menage

Release Date: October 2012

Length: Novella

Blurb:

Garrett and Brianna Zane have the perfect marriage on the surface. They share everything from love to their wildest sexual desires with ease. So when Brianna confesses she wants a threesome with his best friend Leobardo Vasquez, it awakens feelings Garrett has long tried to forget.

But the smoldering attraction between Leo and Brianna is hard to deny and even harder to dismiss when it’s all he can think about, especially when the three are trapped together in Leo’s cabin during a snowstorm. Seducing Leo will test their relationship, reveal old secrets, and maybe tear them apart. While there may be room for Leo in bed, there may not be room for a third in their marriage.

Phew. Was it good for you?

Here we are at the second week check-in. I’m so happy about how things are going right now. So happy that I’m doing this post instead of going to bed.

So, let’s just jump right into it.

Writing Stuff
My goals:

Finish the hockey romance, Off Her Game, and submit that to the requested places.
Write To Score His Heart, hockey romance #2.
Edit and publish the Christmas novella by late October.
Write zero draft of the untitled fantasy bounty hunter story.
Plan writing/publishing schedule for the Spring/Summer 2013 season.

Current progress:

Off Her Game is currently on hold until after the Christmas novella is complete.
To Score His Heart is all plotted out. Ready for the NaNoWriMo treatment.
The Christmas novella is off to CPs (or will be as soon as I email it…). Tomorrow, there will be a post about this story.
I haven’t worked on the writing schedule much yet. I’ll get there later. I just want to get this novella released first.

Design Stuff
My goals:

Continue to work on school design projects. I’m in the home stretch. I have three quarters left.
Line up projects for 2013. (So, like, if you need some graphic work done… I have some openings…)
I really want to stretch my knowledge and improve my skills so I’ve bought some digital art and Photoshop books. My plan is to read one book or work from one book every two months.
Create a stockpile of pre-made covers to offer on the website in the future. I actually have about 20 right now, but I’m really looking to expand that to 80 before offering them for sale on the website. I like having buffers.

Current progress:

Lots of projects due this week. All school related. And most are hand rendered so I can’t even play in Photoshop. I foresee a busy first half of the week.
Got a couple maybe clients this week. Also need to schedule time for my own covers for 2013.
Haven’t read much beyond school stuff. I did read a creative freelancer’s book, which was very helpful for business aspects.
Haven’t done any pre-mades yet. School is zapping my free time.

Personal Stuff
My goals

Continue to blog every day for the 365 Days to Life series, because that’s really fun and it’s doing what I’ve needed it to do.
Increase my income 15% to put me on the path to a new, better quality of life.
Stick to the Total Money Makeover plan and get an emergency fund set aside before the end of the year.
NEW Stick to the actual WeightWatchers plan to lose 15 lbs.

Current progress

My every day blogging has slowed to an every other day thing. But you know, I’m okay with that. I’m still counting down 365 days. But I’m not actually doing something every single day worth blogging about. So maybe it’s not so much a year as it is just taking 365 days to do it. It might be two years before I finish the 365 days, but it’s worth it to do it the write way.
Income hasn’t really changed too much, but I’m on my way to making it.
The TMM plan is moving slowly. I’m getting better, but I can’t really get it going with the right momentum until the income increases that 15%. So the plan is to survive for now. Save where I can, and work at the income increase for now.
I’m adding a weightloss goal. It’s been an ongoing battle. So I’m going to add it in there, and see if i can’t make it happen.

My plan this week

To finish and get the Christmas novella edited and formatted.
Blog at least every other day.
Start the detox diet.
Start the critique of a CP’s manuscript.
Don’t kill myself with school.
Go out and have fun at least one night. (I actually have two nights planned, but we’ll see how it works out…)

And that’s my week. I’m just going to keep going the way I have been. I’m fairly sure that it’s working. It’s a busy week ahead. Organization and time management will be super important. But I think I can do it.

Ever have one of those days when you figure something out about yourself that totally changed your outlook on life? Yeah, I had one of those. I started this blog series because I was unhappy. I was angry all the time and I didn’t know what to do.But now I’m starting to think that maybe anger  isn’t the root cause of my unhappiness. Today I was faced with a realization that scared the everloving shit out of me. I’m not only an angry person, I’m also a terrified person.

Fear is possibly the root cause. Fear of what? I’m not sure yet.

Ever since I was a kid, I’ve had panic attacks. The first one happened in the attic of my next door neighbor’s house, when their son pinned me under the… what was that? A boiler? A furnace? I’m not sure. It was a machine and it was very warm to the touch. Now, he hadn’t meant anything. We were making out, because that’s what you do when you have a cute next door neighbor and he wants to kiss you. Anyway, I’m not sure what it was. We were under it, and maybe it was the combination of minimal space and the heat of the thing, but that’s when it happened. The panic gripped me and I broke out in a cold sweat. My heart slammed against my rib cage, maybe skipped some beats here and there, and my chest seized with pain. It was hard to breathe.

So you can imagine how fast the kissing stopped.

I never told anyone about that. Not my friends, not my parents, not the boy I was kissing. I don’t know how I managed it, but he never knew about it either.

That was the first of many panic attacks. Mostly, they came right before a big change in my life. When i graduated college, when my kids were born (let me tell you, a panic attack while in labor? Not fun), my wedding, my other wedding, every time I started a new job. It didn’t matter if it was a bad thing or a fantastic thing.

But this week has been the worst for them. They’d stopped for a while, but in the last two weeks, if I didn’t have one a day, that was a freaking miracle.

The funny thing is that it hasn’t been stress-related. Because the last couple weeks have been far less stressful than August and September. I’ve had stress-related panic attacks, sure. But it’s not the primary cause. Sheer force of my will has kept these episodes under control, my refusal to succumb to something that I know isn’t there. I slow down, I breathe. I go take a nap. i read. But oddly enough, talking about it? Triggers one every time.

So I sit here and wonder… How am I supposed to talk to people about how I feel or what’s going on, if I get a panic attack every time?

This phase of my life is all about changing things, doing things differently than I did before. And while that’s a good thing, it’s absolutely terrifying. I hate it. i wish that it didn’t do that. I’m so horrible at accepting help. I had to borrow my dad’s credit card the other day so I could fill my gas tank on my car. I felt it then, and then a few minutes later, I was retching in the toilet.

I like to be in control. I like to be respected. But right now? I’m weak and I’m terrified.

Is this because I’ve made this new decision? That I decided to go into business for myself, to hang my shingle and say that I’m there? My writing is my life. It’s everything I ever wanted or needed in life. It’s a crossroads. I’m still submitting manuscripts to publishers, but I’m also prepping multiple new stories for self-publication. There’s something about taking out that publisher-buffer that scares me so much, but it’s something that I’m ready to do.

So my career is in flux. My personal life is an odd mix of awesome flower blooms, and scorched earth. Some things are getting awesome. I’ve forced myself to go out and meet new people. I’ve made some new acquaintances that I hope turn into friends. I’m getting out of the house. I’m getting finances sort of under control. But it’s not there yet. This is a time in my life that these changes require such concentration, and courage, and really… I don’t have it.

I have no confidence, no certainty of my actions. And that’s what leads to these attacks. That’s what forces me out of breath, that forces me to hole myself in my bedroom until I can get it under control.

But I’m tired of it. So here I am, sharing this crazy part of my life with you, because the alternative is to cry alone in the dark and try to breathe.

I happen to like breathing.

Every time I start thinking about the past, inevitably, I start thinking about how I got started writing. But the thing is… I can’t remember it. I don’t remember that point in my life when I stopped and said, “I’m going to write.” I didn’t have authors that inspired me to write. It’s weird, but I think it was just a part of who I was. Who I am. And who I will be.

I can’t sit here and say I’ll never write again, because that would be like a part of me dying off. I would be incomplete. But this got me thinking about all the firsts I had growing up. Most of them are not at all spectacular. But here there are, for your ridicule or enjoyment. Take your pick.

Five things I remember as my First

1. My first music video – This is a weird one to remember. I don’t know why it sticks out in my head. But I was an eighties child, when MTV was cool and actually played music videos. It was Karma Chameleon by Culture Club.

I was maybe… three? Four? I remember being in my living room and that video would come on the TV and I would stop whatever I was doing and dance to that song.

2. My first kiss – You didn’t think I’d forget this did you? It was oddly unremarkable. I was seven. The boy had asked my dad for permission to go out on a date.(I know. Whatever happened to those days?) Anyway, we were walking around the pool on the base, and he pulled me to the side where the movie theater was. I remember a Top Gun poster. This one, actually:

Anyway, I remember the cutest little peck on the lips, not quite centered. The boy’s name was Ryan. I don’t remember anything else about him, but he might be what inspired my fascination with blond men… That just occurred to me.

3. My first movie in the theater – Star Wars V: Empire Strikes Back. That’s right. I was bred from an early age to love the Stars Wars universe. I may not pay as much attention to it now, but it will always strike a sense of nostalgia and a happy sigh from me when I think about this movie.

4. My first story – Even though I don’t remember what prompted me to start writing, I do remember my first story. It was a fairy tale called Ghost Cinderella. Basically, I wrote Cinderella as a ghost story. Everyone, every character was a ghost. I was in sixth grade. The first book I tell people about was a historical romance involving pirates and the American Revolution. I was… sixteen I think. Maybe fifteen. I think I still have that one somewhere.

5. Finally, my newest first: my first print book. That actually came in the mail yesterday. See? Isn’t it pretty?And there’s my Five Things I Remember as my First. What are some first things you remember from your life?

 

Now I intentionally did not post a check in for ROW80 on Wednesday because we started Monday. And because I wanted to feel more accomplished today when I revisited my goals. Not that I’m doing bad. I’m actually feeling pretty good with how I’m doing right now.

Anyways, on to the goals!

Writing

I’ve been super hard at work for writing this week. Doing a LOT of editing to get two books out the door and ready to publish.

I submitted a short story this week. I had a good time with this story. I feel like (because of Team Awesome’s awesomeness) it’s really one of my better works now. I hope it works out and I get into the anthology to which I’ve submitted it.

The Christmas novella is almost done. I have twenty pages left in this major pass and then it’s a lot of cleaning up places, and tightening the language. Next week starts my polish and shine passes for this one. I created web pages for it, but it’s not up yet.

The first in my upcoming hockey romance series, Off Her Game has about 15k left to go. I’m not sure that I’ll hit the 60k mark I wanted to. But I got quite a bit done. I’m very excited with how well this story is turning out.

Those two were my focus this week. As soon as they are finished, I can start zero drafting To Score His Heart and my untitled fantasy romance.

In writing-related news, I scheduled my first newsletter to go out on Monday. It’s basically an intro letter, because I’ve been collecting email addresses for a while. I’m sure some people have probably forgotten that they signed up and I don’t want them to think that I’m spamming them. But if you’re interested in hearing stuff from me, please feel free to sign up for the list. I have some more news coming up in a couple weeks, which is why I’m sending the intro email.

Design

I have some assignments coming up this week for school. So a lot of the design work I do will be for classes and such for a while. This week, my biggest project is the tattoo design. Of course this means I went to the library and checked out a tattoo book to mine for ideas.

I also bought sketch books, since three of my classes require keeping one. I need a bigger purse so I can carry them around…

I’m really interested in doing some work I don’t have up on my website yet, which is hard because people generally won’t hire for what they can’t see on the website. So I’m going to work on that kind of stuff in my classes as projects to get samples up.

Personal

Blogging has slowed a little. I’m finding it difficult to be all deep thoughty every day. I’m still doing the 365 Days to Life series. I’ve gotten a lot of positivity out of it. I’m enjoying it.

The other two goals I had, I’m having some difficulty with but I’ll get them in line too. They’re hard, so it’ll take time.

I think that’s it from me today. How’re your goals coming?

 

This week has been rough. I haven’t been blogging as I should, and that’s mainly because I’m starting to psych myself out. It was fun and easy to vomit the words out when there were maybe two people reading the posts.

But somehow, these topics I’m blogging about have attracted people. I’ve gotten emails of varying natures… some encouraging, some understanding, some that wanted to share but couldn’t put it out there in the world in a comment. I understand that.

So now… there are more people here. The stats on this website have tripled in the last month. It’s terrifying. Why are they here? Why do these people stick around? You guys… I’m not that interesting. I’m really not. I’m just an emotionally-broken writer throwing what she feels out into the world. But it was easier to do when I didn’t think anyone was reading it.

Not that it doesn’t make me happy every time I see a comment come through. I smile every time one comes through and I attempt to answer every one of them personally. Because if people are going to comment here, they deserve an answer.

But here isn’t just where I’m feeling inadequate.

My brother just bought a house. This house… it’s two stories, has a game room, a pretty nice backyard. The whole house is spacious and glorious and I hate him for having the house I would have loved. I tried hard not to feel jealous, you guys. I really did. Just being in that house made me want to scream, because I’m not going to be in a position where I can buy a house for many more months yet.

I’m a horrible person for thinking so.

But this is not the only instance of my jealousy. It’s been a common theme all week. A friend of mine signed a contract this week. I’m happy for her. I really am. I love all the things she’s been doing. But my little green-eyed monster is rearing its ugly little head. Another friend wrote this story that blew me away. There’s that green-eyed monster again. These are just examples but it’s slowly building. More things are sticking out in my head, that little green-eyed monster is growing larger and more sadistic, whispering these little taunts that I’m not good enough, forcing me into thinking about why I’m doing any of this and if I even deserve the things that I do yet.

I wonder if the reason why things aren’t coming along for me is because I’m putting too much pressure on myself. It’s been known to happen. I set lofty goals. I should work on that. but for now, I just want to get this green-eyed monster under control. Because I hate the way it makes me feel.

Like I’m not as good as other writers.

Like I’m not improving, while I’ve watched others grow and bloom as writers.

Because I am good enough. I do deserve good things.

So this is me, heading out to find those good things.

Everybody do me a favor today. Go out and find a writer. Encourage them. Let them know how awesome they are. Because everyone needs to hear that once in a while.