Jen Mann's Blog, page 43

Did you guys have a Happy Thanksgiving?  We had a good holiday over here.  We ended up with 21 people at my house on Thursday.  Not too bad.  Lucky for me my family all pitched in and we ended up having a pretty relaxing day.  Of course, our Elf on the Shelf came out on Thursday night and I've already forgotten to move them.  Yup - I said, "them."  This year we have another Elf - a girl Elf now.  We received her as a gift, because I didn't have enough elves to move.  This morning I was perusing Facebook before the kids woke up and I saw the word "bastard" in someone's status update and it reminded me to go move that little bastard and his girlfriend!  It's going to be a long Christmas season if this is any indication.





On Black Friday I couldn't find anything I was willing to wait on line three hours for, so I ended up staying home and sleeping instead.  I thought it would be a great idea to drop the price of my e-book to 99 cents as a thank you slash Black Friday/Shop Local Saturday/Cyber Monday deal (I figure I fit all of those categories).  If you haven't got your copy yet, be sure to get it before the deal goes away on Monday!



On a sad note, I am getting my ass kicked at the Circle of Moms Top 25 Book Author Moms Contest.  If you have a chance, please go vote for me.  All I want for Christmas is to win this contest like I won the Funniest Moms one.  You can vote once a day until December 7.  Thank you!




Top Read Posts This Week:




Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies - It's finally Choppy Elfie's season and he's ready.  Once he saw the giant balloon Elf in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade he knew he'd arrived and he's ready to explode again this season.  We'll see.    




My Kid vs. The School Nurse - Adolpha is a on a first name basis with the school nurse and I was glad to see she's not the only one.  She's still complaining this weekend about a sore throat, but luckily we have a real live nurse in the family who made a house call on Thursday and checked her out and gave her a clean bill of health and a slice of pie as a prescription.




Pre-Lit Christmas Trees Can Suck It - The Hubs guest posted this week to give a little shout out to his favorite must have Christmas season accessory.  Light Keeper Pro owes us some money!




Black Friday Weekend Book Sale - I dropped the price on my e-book to 99 cents on Amazon, Smashwords and Kobo.  If you have an electronic device that can read a book (Kindle, Nook, iPad, Sony Reader, laptop computer, desktop computer), a buck and you like to laugh you're going to need to get this book!




Book Update: 



My big news this week is that I'm NUMBER 2 on Amazon's Humor List.  I took down George R.R. Martin on Saturday and all I have is Janet Evanovich standing between me and first place.  (BTW, can someone tell me what the hell he was doing in HUMOR???  He's on another Humor list with me too and he's had the number 1 spot for a year until I took him out on Saturday.  He needds to get back over in his own category and leave Humor to me and my bestie, Tina.)  I don't think I can take out Janet Evanovich though, since she's number 1 in ALL Kindle sales.  She's a beast.  I do have more stars than her though (5 stars to her 3.5) . . . so a girl can dream! 








Along with Kindle, there are now options for Nook, Apple, Sony Reader and Kobo.  Click here to find out more.  There is still time to get signed copies for Christmas gifts, but order soon, because it does take around a week for the books to ship.  Click here if you want to order a signed copy.




Still not convinced you want to buy the book?  Try reading these two new reviews that came out this week.  IndieReader gave it 5 stars and Read Love Blog gave me a great review too.



My Favorite Comments of the Week (and My Replies If Necessary):



Wow.... You are bitter...who pissed in your Cheerios? on Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies



Not bitter, just fed up.  There's a difference.



Read your Elf post, looked at the Kindle preview of your book, got to the introduction of characters and KNEW I'd love your book. I can't wait to read it! on BUY MY BOOK



This goes both ways bitch. I dont give a fuck about your children. on People Who Treat Their Dogs Like Children



Where are you people coming from?  Some how this post ended up on a dog lover's message board somewhere, because I have been bombarded for weeks now with dog loving assholes who keep calling me names just because I don't like dogs.  WTF?



I already bought the book but was curious about who won. Is there a list somewhere? on Want My Book for Free? How About a Kindle Fire?



There is a list somewhere that I saw once.  I wasn't in charge of the Rafflecopter that selected the names.  I don't think all of the winners have claimed their prizes though.  So check your email/Spam folders, because last I heard there were still a few winners that hadn't responded.



What no Elf? lol...I just had to Google search the little guy, and guess what? The link to your column came up several places before Blossom's Bunkhouse! Woot Woot! on Jen's TOP 11 Favorite Posts




I just assumed the Elf was a given.  I guess I should make him number 12?



Happy Thanksgiving! I'm thankful that I discovered that you read my blog when you wrote about me that 1st time last Spring, and that you really do support people you believe in. And that I could totally breastfeed you. Because it makes me laugh. on Happy Thanksgiving!




I am thankful for you too, Kim and there is no one else I'd rather be stuck in an elevator with.




This blog post and so many of these comments are indicative of children wanting to be home with their Mother. They crave your love and attention. Have any of you considered home schooling? on My Kid VS. The School Nurse



I have never considered home schooling.  I am not qualified to teach my kids anything.  Haha.  I don't doubt that Adolpha would like to be home all day with me, but home schooling wouldn't help her attachment issues.  She needs to go to school outside of the house so that she can learn to socialize with her peers and manage her relationships with them, so she can learn independence, and so she can learn that she isn't in charge.  Her ideal situation would be to stay home and for her to set the curriculum.  As a working mom, I don't have the time or the energy to fight with her to try and get her to learn.  I'll leave that to the professionals.  



I also had some comments about maybe Adolpha was being bullied, etc. and that's why she's spent so much time in the nurse's office.  I talk to Adolpha a lot and I spend a lot of time at her school, in her classroom and in Gomer's classroom.  I am friends with teachers in the building and I am a member of the PTO board.  I know a lot about what's going on in that school and she's not being bullied.  She's just irritated that I'm home "having fun" without her and she'd like to do that too.  



I appreciate all the suggestions and comments about her well-being.  Thanks.



thank you so much for this post today! My hubs has been racking his brain for the name of that gun, watching commercials religiously just waiting for it to come on, to no avail. Those damn pre-lit trees do only last one year so we desperately need the gun, because you are not the only cheap bastard out there... on Pre-Lit Christmas Tree can suck it



Cha-ching.  See?  Light Keeper Pro owes me money.  Seriously, get one, it's worth every penny.




My husband can do you one better. Why spend $3 for a 100 light set when you can trash pick lights from your neighbors to use for replacement bulbs? on Pre-Lit Christmas Tree can suck it




My prelit worked only the first year. The second year we decided to cut all the lights off the tree- talk about ball suckage- and then restring every year with lights. My husband would have just wrapped the new lights around the old, love his lazy self, but not me...cheap and plenty of time on my hands! Love the tree- very OACM - over achieving Christmas mom :) on Pre-Lit Christmas Tree can suck it




My mother had my father cut off their lights too and that seemed like an enormous amount of work (but if you've read my book, then you know my mother wouldn't have it any other way).  I can't imagine the Hubs doing all that.  I think we'll just wrap new lights around the old burned out lights and call it Christmas.

99 CENTS FOR THE E-BOOK!



Happy Black Friday!  I know it's not a real holiday for anyone, but for me and my mother it is.  This year I died a little inside because when I looked at all the flyers yesterday after my pie coma set in I realized there wasn't a darn thing out there that would force me to roll out of bed at 3 AM and sharpen my elbows.  I feel good and well rested this morning.  I've never felt this good on Black Friday!



In honor of my love of Black Friday I have lowered the e-book edition of my book SPENDING THE HOLIDAYS WITH PEOPLE I WANT TO PUNCH IN THE THROAT to 99 CENTS!



Want to know where to get it?  Here you go:



KINDLE - CLICK HERE.



NOOK - Buy it at SMASHWORDS.


APPLE PEOPLE - Buy it at SMASHWORDS for your iPad and iPhone and iTouch.

SONY READER - Buy it at SMASHWORDS.



KOBO - CLICK HERE.



If you have an iPad or iPhone, you can download the Kindle app and get it from Amazon CLICK HERE.



If you don't have an e-reader you can download a PDF HERE and read it on your computer.







WANT SOME OTHER BOOK DEALS?



I'm not the only author dropping prices today, my friend Denise Grover Swank who writes a lot of fantastic YA and mystery is also dropping the prices on some of her books today.  Check out Denise's blog for a list of other sale books!



If you or someone you know LOVES a GREAT deal and great BOOKs, please share this post.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!  I hope you're having a great day celebrating just the way you want to.  I've got 21 people at my house today.  Not to worry, I won't be punching anyone today - I don't think.  Lucky for me, my family pitches in and everyone brings food to share and no one drinks any thing stronger than Diet Coke so I don't have a drunk uncle telling me that Obama is sending us down the shitter.  We watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade (starring that pesky Elf this year), Disney movies, play board games, eat pie and more pie, get the damn Elf out and start Christmas.  Really.  You can't make this stuff up.



Today I just wanted to let all of you know how thankful I am for each and every one of YOU.  Exactly one year ago at this time I was excited if I got 300 pageviews a day on this blog.  I won't bore you with my stats nowadays, but let's just say I get a lot more now.  A.  LOT.  I am so thankful that you found me and that we get along so well.  I am living my dream thanks to all of you.



I wanted to share some holiday-themed posts I've enjoyed this week:



From The Underachiever's Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess - If You Haven't Got a Penny, a Ha' Penny Will Do, If You Haven't Got a Ha' Penny, Then God Bless You



HouseTalkN - Thanksgiving Throwdown



Let Me Start By Saying - 12 Holiday Photo Card Tips



And finally, the amazing Drew Magary at Deadspin wrote such a hilarious Haters Guide to the Williams-Sonoma Catalog that I'm green with jealousy that I had not written it first.  It's inspiring.  Truly.



Happy Thanksgiving, everyone and don't forget to move that little bastard tonight!

GUEST POST FROM THE HUBS - I'M NOT THIS CRAZY, JUST HE IS.



Who has a
pre-lit Christmas tree?  Who invented this instrument of supposedly
cheerful holiday torture?  I know the idea sounds good, but in practice,
I am not so sure.  Now, before anyone gets upset, I am not saying that
ALL pre-lit trees are bad.  Just the ones that suck monkey balls like
the one I happen to have.





We
have a 9 ft pre-lit Christmas tree with about 3,000 light bulbs on it. 
Ours is huge, massive, and heavy as hell, with more wires and lights
than an airport runway in a major city.  It's a nice looking tree.  It
was VERY nice to have a huge tree that we didn't have to string lights
on.  You plug in all the strands, turn them all on and enjoy your
Christmas.  Yeah, that happened only the FIRST year we owned that tree. 
Ever since that honeymoon Christmas, it has never been the same around
here.  Nope, now it is an annoying, tedious, and mind numbing battle in
search of the dreaded dead bulb.  Our tree is seven years old now and
once one bulb goes out, the entire strand goes out.  So, you need to
find the dead bulb.  With over 3,000 light bulbs on a tree, that is a
lot to go through.  




Yes, there are tools to help, in fact I have to give a HUGE thumbs up to the makers of LIGHT KEEPER PRO. 
Never heard of the magical, super duper, ass kicking, most awesome
device ever??  It's a life changer.  Truly.  It was probably invented by
Christmas nerds, to save the common man hours of Christmas misery. 
What this time saving device does is it basically lights up your strand
and shows you where you have a dead bulb.  It really works.  The first
time I used it, I thought it was magic.  So simple, so incredible, it
was like hitting the lottery.  No more following the string to find the
burned out bulb.  The Light Keeper Pro lights up the entire strand
showing you where the dead bulb is.  Awesome.  Just one thing, sometimes
the strands are so messed up that it will not light up, but most of the
time it will work and let you fix the strand.  When I get my "gun" out I
feel like Clark Griswold on steroids.  Give me a partially burned out
strand of lights and I'll fix it for you - no problem! 





If you love Christmas lights and your sanity, you MUST OWN THIS!!!




 Now
that I have the power of this gadget, you would think it would take no
time to get the tree back to its former glowing glory days.  WRONG.  I
got most of the lights on the tree to come up, but had to hunt down each
individual burned out bulb.  It was easier to find them with my gun,
but in a tree of 3,000 lights, it was still a good game of "find that
damn fried bulb".  Gomer was helping me and thought this was the start
of a GREAT Christmas tradition.  Yeah, I guess it was kinda fun - for
the first 30 minutes.  After three and a half hours of finding the bulbs
and replacing each one, it wasn't so much fun anymore.  Gomer, of
course, abandoned me after about 20 minutes into our new "tradition". 
He was tired and bored.  That kid would never make it in a sweat shop. 



The
other thing that sucked about my job was that each dead bulb had to be
identified, then pulled out from the wiring, removed from the socket and
another bulb had to be threaded into the socket.  My God, I'm just
exhausted writing all that - imagine trying to actually DO it over 150
times.  Now I understand why those Foxcomm people in China jump off the
roofs.   







This job sucks balls.




I
will admit, some of this pain and time was partly my fault because I'm
such a cheap bastard and a bit of a masochist.  You can buy 10
replacement bulbs alone without the socket base for a buck.  BUT, if you
buy a strand of 100 lights for $3, you get 100 bulbs for $3.  Yeah, you
have to pull all the lights off of the strand and remove them from the
socket bases, but that's just time and energy - and I've got nothing but
time and energy.




I'm
all about saving money, I have even taken old strands that barely work
and pulled the light bulbs out of those.  Anything to save a buck.  Now,
on an hourly basis with the time involved, I am sure I was working for
pennies an hour.  But I saved those pennies.  




So,
after over four hours of "hunting and replacing", the tree finally went
up, with most of the lights coming on.  Looked pretty good too, if I do
say so myself.  I told my wife we should think about buying a NEW tree
with LED lights.  I have looked, and they are about $600 for the size of
tree we have.  So, guess what?  I think Gomer and I have a great new
Christmas tradition next year of "hunting and replacing bulbs" - quality
time together.  Priceless.  I even got an extra gun today so Gomer can
have his own next year.







Don't look too close, there are some dead bulb in there.

I am super
proud of my wife. She has been nominated for Top 25 Author/blogger moms
over at Circle of Moms. Could you guys help and vote for her?? People I Want to Punch in the Throat is her blog. I could use the brownie points with my wife and maybe I will get some sexy time for my efforts.  Thanks so much and wish me luck.





Jen's Note: 
I was more than willing to take new strands of three dollar lights and
wrap the damn tree in them, but oh no, the Hubs got all OAM on my ass
and spent an entire day hunting and pecking to make the tree "perfect." 
I don't know if I should punch him or love him for all his effort.

OK, seriously.  Is anyone else on a first name basis with the nurse at their child's school?  On Thursday I received the second call this week from the nurse.



My child - I'll give you 10 guesses WHICH child I'm talking about - is in the nurse's office just about every day it seems.



Yes, of course it's Adolpha.  The nurse has called home, because she's had a tummy ache, she bumped her head on the playground, she needed a band aid after gym class, and the list goes on and on.





I have a tummy ache ... oh wait, it's time for recess?  Never mind.

Earlier this week I had a call that she was having some digestive issues.  She'd gone to the restroom and had some trouble in there.  Her teacher took her to the nurse's office and they called me.



Me:  Well, did she mess her pants?



Nurse:  No.  She's kind of embarrassed.



Me:  OK, let me talk to her.



Adolpha:  Hello?



Me:  What happened?  Did you get to the bathroom in time?



Adopha:  Yes.  But . . . I just want to come home.



Me:  I know you do.  But you can't come home.



Nurse:  Actually, if a child has diarrhea we could send her home.  She's a bit traumatized.  The auto flush on the toilet kept going and scaring her while she was trying to clean herself.



At this point she only had a couple hours left in her day.  She'd miss Spanish and Computers probably.  Plus, I just knew that if Adolpha tried to clean herself up, it wouldn't be enough.  She'd need some adult supervision and the Kindergarten teachers frown on wiping butts (as well they should).



Me:  I'll come and get her.



It was a good thing I did.  As I had suspected, she was a mess.  She went straight in the tub.  After she was all cleaned up and in her jammies and in her bed (you go to bed when the nurse sends you home from school, don't you know) she admitted, "I really just wanted to be home with you."



"Yes, I know, Adolpha.  Today it was OK, because you needed to get cleaned up, but you can't keep going to the nurse's office every day for stuff.  She's not going to send you home again."



"I know."



Cut to later that week.  The phone rings and the caller ID says it's the school.  I just know it's the nurse's office.  Sure enough, it is.  Only it's a substitute nurse, because the real nurse is out with the flu (one of the "perks" of her job I would hope is twice as many sick days as everyone else in the building).



New Nurse:  Hi, is this Adolpha's mom?



Me:  Yes.



NN:  Adolpha was in here complaining of a sore throat.



Me:  OK.



NN:  Well, she's got a low grade fever and it DOES look a bit swollen on one side.



Me:  Uh huh.



NN:  (I can tell this woman is not impressed with my maternal instincts.)  Well, I just wanted to alert you since you might want to get her in to see the doctor.



Me:  Are you sending her home or can she stay?



NN:  I sent her back to class and told her to come and see me if she feels worse.



Me:  OK.  Look, I'm not unsympathetic, it's just that I get a call almost every day from the nurse's office that she's in there complaining about something.  She's a hypochondriac and a bit of a drama queen.  I'm actually glad to hear that she has a low grade fever and a bit of swelling, that's more tangible than 'my tummy feels like an elephant is walking on it - oohh nevermind is that dessert?'



NN:  Right.  Well, she does have a low grade fever and the weekend is coming.  The doctor might want to see her in case it turns into strep throat.



Me:  I hear you.  Obviously call me if she comes back again or if it gets worse.



This woman is new.  She sees an adorable Kindergartener come in with big, sad eyes and she melts.  She doesn't see Adolpha as the wily manipulator we know and love in this house.  This is a girl who can turn tears on and off like a faucet.  She has a tummy ache and can't eat "anything" for dinner until she finds out that I'll let her have macaroni and cheese.  Every night at bedtime her leg twitches or her ear buzzes or she sees spots (if I was a worrier and believed half of what she complained about I'd have her scheduled for an MRI in a heartbeat).



If I had to guess today, I would say that she had Gym and she was looking for a way out.



The throat is a new one, so it might be hurting her a bit.  I will keep an eye on her, but I'm not calling the doctor.  That's why we have those walk in clinics at the drugstore now.



I've been nominated for Circle of Moms Top 25 Book Author Moms.  Would you do me a favor and run over there and vote for me?  You don't need to register or anything!  THANKS!!!

Today is a pretty good day.  I'm sitting here writing my wrap up listening to Air Supply while my kids clean the house.  We have 20 people coming for dinner on Thursday and I've literally called the donation truck to come on Wednesday because I have so much shit I need to get rid of before people arrive.



This week I've been nominated for Circle of Moms Top 25 Book Author Moms.  If you nominated me, thank you.  Circle of Moms is a great place to get my name out and help me sell some books.  You might recall that a few months ago many of you helped me win Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny Moms contest.  I'd love to win this one too.  Would you mind voting for me?  You can vote every day until December 7th.  Don't worry, I'll keep reminding you.  Thanks!!



Top Read Posts This Week:



Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies - Choppy Elfie still holds first place this week.  I'll be shocked if he relinquishes his spot before Christmas.  Have you heard the Elf will a balloon in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade?  I always knew he had a big head (rimshot)!  I've also heard, but I haven't confirmed yet, that there is a movie with him as well??!!  You know what?  That's great.  Bring on more Elf stuff so that when everyone is sick of him, they'll come and see me.



The Hubs' Memory - The Hubs loves to remember romantic dates that I never went on.



I Would Never Punch the Wimpy Kid - I got to meet the creator of Diary of a Wimpy Kid and make Gomer's dream come true.  Now you see why I don't feel bad that he's cleaning the house while I "play" on the computer.



Happy Birthday to Gomer and Adolpha - My kids celebrated their joint birthday last weekend.  I was so surprised to hear how many of you share a birthday with a family member too!  How cool!



Want to Win My Book for Free?  How About a Kindle Fire? - Nineteen lovely bloggers banded together to give away copies of my book.  Already got my book?  Then how about enter to win the Kindle Fire too?



Book Update:



Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat has managed to hold on as an Amazon bestseller since it's debut last month.  Thank you!!!!!  If you want to get some as gifts for the holidays, now might be the time since Amazon is offering a 4 books for 3 promotion and my book is part of it.



I have so-so news for Nook and Apple and Sony people.  The book is now available on Smashwords, but it's sporadic (of course it is - sigh).  You can find the links here.



There has still been a bit of confusion as to how to get a signed copy.  If you want a signed copy you must order through the PayPal option, not Amazon.  I can't sign the Amazon orders.



Here is my favorite review for this week:



"Oh my goodness! I have read this book 3 times in the past month to relieve stress. It is so funny! Jen says the things that I think, but don't have the guts to say. I love her wit, use of words, and hilarious pictures. It is $8 well spent. I can't think of a better way to laugh about Christmases past and present than this book."



Favorite Comments (and My Replies if Necessary):



I didn't know you even existed, until I saw your book--which I bought, already read & loved--on either Robyn or Paige's blog. I'm now a follower. You're a funny lady!! on Want My Book for Free? How About a Kindle Fire?



I have to tell you the story about why I chose this comment.  When the giveaway went live I went around to a lot of the blogs to leave a comment and I kept seeing this person popping up in all the comments sections of the blogs.  She kept saying something about she never wins anything so she was just going to buy the book.  Murphy's Law says she will now be a randomly drawn winner.



I love that you included more pics - the snowmen cropping up in clumps in the guest bathroom are priceless. on Want My Book for Free? How About a Kindle Fire?





If you liked the sink picture, check out the bath tub!

OK, I just posted my blog about getting my kids to school in my jammies and commenced to write a letter to my kids from their elf (Weird Al McElferson)and stumbled on this ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS post. I don't care that it's a year old-it made me scream laughing, even as I checked "dry ice" off my list to make an elf-sized hot tub with a Barbie pool. Super funny I promised the kids I'd get dressed today, so, later. on Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies



I feel kinda bad for all these parents that say they don't have time and don't want to take the time to do something that could be yes, a little silly and yes, takes a little effort. I personally enjoy the look on my kids face when they find our Elf doing something ridiculous. And personally I get a kick out of 'staging' the scene. It's take less than 5 mins to do something creative and less than 3 minutes to clean up. I will admit the whole pillow fight with feathers and switching out clothes is a big over the top. Truly it can be a fun tradition. In the time it took all these parents above to read this blog they could have "moved their elf". By the looks of it and by all these posts all you parents apparently DO have time your just spending it looking all over Facebook, Pinterest or posting comments about how stupid some parents are for creating a fun and EASY tradition that their kids will enjoy and remember forever. My guess is the kids are probably sitting in front of the on Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies



Ahhh . . . I was getting complacent with all the love and adoration I've received lately.  It's nice to know that the angry commenters are coming back out of the woodwork.  I always enjoy a good comment about how lazy I am and how my kids are rotting their brains in front of the television while this perfect mom makes ah-may-zing fucking memories for her offspring that she obviously loves more than me.  You what?  Fuck you, lady.  I don't need to make an Elf fish for Goldfish crackers in my toilet just so that they can remember that forever.  

  

Brilliant read just as I was starting to feel peer pressure to do things with Elf :) I shall leave on the shelf then :) on Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies



Seriously, I LOVE this. But, isn't the elf's purpose to ENCOURAGE good behaviour? Then WHY would the elf do things to get himself on the naughty list? Clearly that woman is on the wrong medication... And BTW Jen, I think you are my Tina Fey. on Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies



Cool Jen! Just cool! Is that an actual picture of Gomer? My daughter is past 6 and a half, I wonder if these may be in her range...? Some of my friends kids adore them. on I Would Never Punch the Wimpy Kid



That is actually Gomer.  I'm loosening up a bit these days with showing the kids.  It was really them on their birthday post too.  Your daughter would like these books a lot.  They're fun and have lots of pictures to keep them engaged.



I will admit that I am not a Wimpy Kid lover. My kids have read some of the books, and pre-ordered the new one from Scholastic book club. Yes, my son is reading. Yes, it's hard to find books he likes. But, frankly, I don't consider Wimpy Kid to be reading, reading, if you know what I mean. It's a gateway book that will hopefully instill the habits of reading, but my son isn't increasing his vocabulary or learning many new reading skills. It's in the category of 'fun' books, like graphic novels, in our house. We read 'fun' books, too, I'm not an ogre. The event sounds fun, and I would totally attend one in my area. But, when people talk about how wonderful these books are, I'm not in agreement. on I Would Never Punch the Wimpy Kid



I actually sort of know what you mean.  Gomer started these books at the end of Kindergarten.  They were his first "big" books he read.  He was able to read them because the pictures helped and he enjoyed the stories.  I wasn't thrilled when he wouldn't "move on" to harder books.  So, I actually sat down and read the books and then I could see why he likes them so much.  They are really funny and enjoyable.  He's in second grade now and he still loves his Wimpy Kid, but he's moved on to harder books and he's reading at a fourth grade level and has a deep love for books.  If the Wimpy Kid is the "gateway" book then I'll take it any day.  I will encourage my kids to read anything they want as long it keeps them reading.  Maybe my blog is a gateway to War and Peace?



I would totally come to your book tour event. I can do you one better, I'll bring the wine with screw tops instead! Cause really, who has time for corks? I suggest maybe a Magic Mike drinking game... maybe a drink for every pelvic thrust, and two drinks for every time Kevin Nash (Tarzan) messes up a step in the back row? on I Would Never Punch the Wimpy Kid



Honestly, what was he doing there?  He grossed me out every time they showed him and he was a horrible dancer!



This is so awesome! Jeff Kinney is such a kind person--when the first movie came out, the school that I worked at at the time won the privilege of having the movie premier at our school. So Jeff Kinney, the two best buds in the movie, the movie producer all came to our school. They turned the gym into a movie theater and had ushers dressed in tuxedos to give the kids bags of popcorn and movie posters, etc. The younger kids got to have an assembly with Jeff Kinney who talked to them about how he got started and drew some things for them. He signed all of the teachers' books who brought them in, as well as kids' books. Hes a lovely person--so glad you all were able to meet him!! on I Would Never Punch the Wimpy Kid



My fiance does this to me ALL-THE-TIME. Him: "Oh, I love that restaurant." Me: "Really? I've never been." Him: "Yes you have - we went there for date-night and then went to the movies." Me: "Nope. Wasn't me." Him: "Yes it was - remember - it was freezing and we had to park really far away so I gave you a piggy-back-ride to the car...??" Me: "Still not me." Him: "C'mon - you remember - we kept feeding each other bites of dessert and the waitstaff was cracking up..." Me: "Stop talking immediately." Tool. on The Hubs' Memory



Teeheehee.  I love "tool."



I don't know which is worse, the hubs mistaking you for his ex girlfriend, or a mother-in-law who used to constantly compare me to the ex girlfriend. Several years ago, on Christmas Eve, she took it upon herself to put the ex girlfriends framed 8 x 10 photo (that was in a box buried in the basement, yes she was nosy and would dig through our stuff every visit) on my mantle. She then announced to all of our guest that "This should have been my daughter-in-law, this should have been the mother of my grandchildren". Yep, I kicked her out of our house the next morning. Put her butt on a plane back to Texas. on The Hubs' Memory



I had an ex-boyfriend buy me flowers with tons of calla lillies in them once because he knew those were my favorite flower and I was having a bad day. Nope - my favorite flower is roses. Calla lillies were his ex's favorite flower. Didn't make my day any better - especially since they still worked together. on The Hubs' Memory



Happy (belated) birthday to your sweet kiddos! My brother and I share a birthday 6 years apart; but the scary part is that my Hubs ALSO shares a birthday with his brother 3 years apart. He thought I was joking when we were dating and I shared that with him. He'd never heard of any other siblings that shared a birthday. :) on Happy Birthday to Gomer and Adolpha



I am 3 years and 3 hours older than my sister. I was born at 9:08 am and her at 12:08 pm on Happy Birthday to Gomer and Adolpha



Whoa.  Pretty amazing.

The holiday season is fast upon us.  Do you realize Thanksgiving is next week??  I will have twenty or so of my closest family members descending upon my house in one week's time and I have done nothing yet to even prepare.  Does sliced turkey from the deli and instant potatoes from a box count as a Thanksgiving dinner?



Plus, you know who comes out on Thanksgiving night don't you?  Yup.  The Elf on the Shelf.  Are you ready for that little bastard?  Do you have your game plan ready?  If he's lucky this year I MIGHT dust off his shelf before I put him out, but otherwise there will be nothing special or fancy shenanigans planned for him in this house.



Once the Thanksgiving turkey is made into soup and the Elf starts his journey from the top shelf to the bottom shelf and back again, that can only mean one thing:  Christmas is coming.  



Just thinking about the decorating that still needs to be done, the cookies that won't bake themselves and the presents that I've already bought and hidden (and that I'd better be able to find again when the time comes) makes my palms clammy and my stomach flip flop.  



Rather than letting myself get stressed out with all of the holiday planning, I'd rather take a break and laugh.  A.  Lot.  That's why I wrote a book about the holidays.





You do know that I have a book, right?  Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat.  Do you have your copy yet?  No?  What are you waiting for?  A chance to win a free one?  












Well, I've got good news for you then.  Nineteen of my fellow bloggers banded together for their own giveaway.  They are giving away NINETEEN signed copies of my book to nineteen lucky winners PLUS a Kindle Fire for one incredibly lucky person.






Why would I want this book, Jen? you ask.  Well, aren't you dying to know why I hate cookie exchanges?  Maybe you are like me and you have no idea what to do with Christmas carolers at your door and you're hoping I can give you some advice.  How about hilarious stories of my childhood where I demanded toys and had a Madonna-inspired makeover?  What about the decorating?  Oh the decorating!  I feel like I've already put in days upon days of decorating.  Oh, wait, that's because I did.  About two weeks worth of days of decorating!  Back in August I convinced my mother to put up her Christmas decorations so I could photograph the madness for the book.  Here are just a few of the outtakes:





Shelves that are literally groaning under the weight of all of the Christmas crap. 






Yeah, that's a guest bathroom full of snowmen.  Oh, did you want to wash your hands?  Be careful, make sure Frosty doesn't fall in the toilet.






Even the dog gets his own stocking.


And the pictures of the decorations aren't even the best ones.  There are horribly embarrassing pictures of me as a child in there too.  



If you want a chance to win the book and the Kindle Fire there are some hoops to jump through.  (If you're not a hoop jumper and you just want to buy a copy of the book click here.)  




If you're feeling lucky and you want to WIN, then get started at any one of these blogs:




My Life and Kids




Four Plus an Angel




Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva




Kelley's Break Room 




Motherhood, WTF?




The Mom of the Year




Binkies and Briefcases




There's More Where That Came From




Ninja Mom


Naps Happen




Hollow Tree Ventures




Honest Mom




Our Small Moments




Toulouse and Tonic




Mom's New Stage




HouseTalkN




Wendy Nielsen:  Writing a New Story




Bad Parenting Moments




FrugalistaBlog




Good luck and be sure to share this with your friends so they have a chance to win too!!

As you know I'm a decent sized blog.  Lots of bloggers get invited to free movies or they get free products to review and stuff like that.  I should probably get invited to lots of fun events so that I'll promote them and tell all my readers to buy cool stuff.  However, I never get invited.  Really.  Never.  Especially if it's anything kid-friendly.  It's to be expected, though.  I've made a name for myself as that woman who drops the f-bomb and ridicules more brands than I endorse.  Kid-friendly companies especially can't risk coming near me.  I understand.




That is why I was excited by an email I received this week.  I received an email from the public relations company representing Jeff Kinney.  Does that name sound familiar?  Well, if you have a kid between the ages of 5 and 13 your kid probably knows his name because he is the creator of  Diary of a Wimpy Kid .







The newest book in his popular series is The Third Wheel and it hit the bookstores on November 13.  Jeff and his team are pulling out all the stops to promote this book with "The Third Wheel Book Tour" where he is traveling across the country in a huge bus and hosting dance parties to celebrate the book release.



And somehow yours truly got on the guest list.  That's right.  The email invited me to a private meet and greet session with Jeff where we could ask questions, take pictures and get his autograph.  I about crapped my pants.  Then I told Gomer and he about crapped his.



You see, in my house there are a few things that are sacred:  Legos, American Girl dolls and Wimpy Kid.  The Wimpy Kid books are some of the first books Gomer ever read.  They are the only books he reads again and again.  These books have inspired more creativity out of Gomer than anything else.  He will spend hours reading the books and then he loves to tell us the funny stories from the books and then he spends a few more hours carefully copying the pictures.  (Don't worry, they're for his own use, Mr. Kinney and your legal team, I promise.)



I quickly replied that of course the Punch family would be honored to attend such an event and then I held my breath.  I kept waiting for someone to contact me and tell me there had been a horrible mistake and I was no longer invited.  That call never came.  Phew!



The morning of the event I was listening to my favorite radio station KCUR and I heard that they were going to interview Jeff Kinney in the upcoming hour.  The Hubs and I sat down to listen.  What an amazing story Jeff Kinney has.  Let me just give you the short version:  He had a popular website where he'd feature his Wimpy Kid stories.  In the meantime, he worked on his manuscript for the first Diary of a Wimpy Kid book for almost eight years and then finally he went to Comicon and met a publisher.  He showed him his work and immediately the publisher signed him up and they put out the first book.  It hit the New York Times Bestseller's List and has never left.  Jeff Kinney has sold 83 million copies of his books and has still kept his day job as an online game developer and designer.  He created the famous children's website Poptropica.com - another Gomer favorite.



One of the points Jeff made during his interview was that he always says "Yes" to a book purchase because it encourages a love of reading in his sons.  I couldn't agree more - that's why Gomer owns all of the Wimpy Kid books.



I had to let Jeff know that Gomer is his biggest fan, so of course I tweeted KCUR while he was on and they read my tweet on the air.  Jeff got a little nervous I was going to punch him in the throat.  As if!  Gomer would kill me!



After listening to the radio show I was even more pumped up to meet him.  We picked up the kids from school and headed down to the book signing.  We got there and met a few other bloggers while we waited for Jeff to arrive.  We were greeted by Jason, the publicist who is traveling with Jeff.  Jason told us that there wasn't much time, but we could hurry and meet Jeff on his giant tour bus.  We ran (really, we ran - Jason is fast) out of the building and across the street to a giant rock star tour bus where we all crammed inside.





Can you imagine pulling into a rest stop and seeing this in the parking lot?  I wonder how many autographs Jeff Kinney will have to give in bathrooms on his tour.

Poor Jeff Kinney let us invade his personal space.  He was a gracious host to all of us.  He is so down to earth and so friendly to the kids (and parents).  We literally ogled him for a good five minutes without anyone saying anything except "Hi" and/or "Love your books."  Finally when he realized that we were all a bit starstruck, he got things rolling when he asked if any of us had any questions (the Hubs and I, of course did - but nothing with any journalistic integrity so they don't bear repeating here) and if he could sign our books while we toured his bus (a couple of the kids mentioned the highlight of the bus was the bathroom, but I didn't get to see it).  After he kindly answered all of our questions and inquired about our blogs he was whisked away to greet 2,000 excited kids who had all purchased tickets and books to meet him.



Besides the book signing there was also a party in the basement of the venue.  The publisher hired a DJ and provided refreshments.  I heard one passerby exclaim that it looked like a "rave."  Obviously that yahoo has never been to a rave.  It was clearly a middle school dance that Greg Heffley would attend.  There was a drawing contest where kids competed to draw their favorite characters and then were judged by the audience.  Thank goodness Gomer and Adolpha have been practicing for so long, because they both aced their competition and won t-shirts (it would not have been pretty in our house if only one kid won a shirt).





Three years of Gomer practicing his "Greg" finally paid off!

The party was a blast and the book tour seems like a lot of fun.  How could it not be?  Rolling across country in style in a custom bus, greeting 2,000 adoring fans, dancing up a storm under a disco ball and then doing it all again tomorrow in another town?



It got me thinking.  My story is not so different from Jeff Kinney's.  We're both humorists who found our audience online first.  He's sold 83 million books.  I've sold . . . a percentage of that.  He's on the New York Times Bestseller's List.  I'm on an Amazon Bestseller's List for a particular genre slash subcategory slash niche.  He's traveling on a really exciting book tour.  I have not done a book tour, but that doesn't mean I haven't planned it already though.



First - no kids allowed, of course.  I would roll up in my Honda minivan (surely Honda would let me borrow one again for my book tour).  I would be greeted by let's say 50 adoring fans and a couple of people who saw a line forming and just got on it thinking there might be free stuff at the other end.  We would rent a room at a Holiday Inn near an airport (because those are usually cheaper).  There would be plenty of boxed wine for everyone and plastic wine glasses.  I would rent a couple of those coin operated massage chairs.  There wouldn't be a DJ, because loud music bothers me, but I would like to have "Magic Mike" playing on a big screen at one end of the room - with the sound off, of course.  How could that not be fun?  Eh, a girl can dream, right?



I want to thank LKPR, Inc. and Jeff Kinney for including the Punch family in the Diary of a Wimpy Kid festivities.  We had a great time meeting Jeff Kinney and spending some quality one on one time with him.  It was truly a once in a lifetime opportunity for my kids and they will always remember that.



I really admire how hard Jeff and his team are working to promote this book and I know their days can be grueling.  I was afraid that Jeff would be too busy working and he might forget to bring his wife a nice present after all his time on the road.  Luckily, I took care of that.  As we left the bus, I left two copies of my book Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat with Jason.  Jeff is welcome to read it too, but it's really a gift for Julie Kinney.  I hope she likes it!



Gomer is already three quarters of the way through the book and he'll be doing a guest post in the next few weeks with his review of the book.  If you have a Wimpy Kid fan and you can attend one of the book signing events in your area, I highly recommend it!



If you're interested in purchasing The Third Wheel click here.

Tonight the Hubs told me I reminded him of Dorothy Parker.



"Who is that?" I asked. "Didn't they make a movie about her starring Halle Berry?"



"No.  That was Dorothy Dandridge."



"OK, then I don't know who Dorothy Parker was."




"Are you serious?  Weren't you an English major in college?" the Hubs asked incredulously.



"Yeah, but I don't remember studying her."



"But when we were dating you told me how much you liked her writing.  I took you to the Algonquin Hotel so you could see where she lived and wrote."



"I have no idea what you're talking about," I said.  "I don't know that hotel at all."



"What are you talking about, Jen?  We went to the hotel and we walked around the lobby and we talked about how much you admired her writing.  That's when I realized how similar you were to her."



"OK, I'm going to stop you right there, because you are not talking about me and this is not going to go well for you if you keep talking."



You see the Hubs had a girlfriend before me.  We'll call her Elaine.  I've never met Elaine, but I've heard quite a bit about her.  Every now and again the Hubs will start to reminisce about a wonderful, romantic, thoughtful date that he planned for me and it will take me twenty minutes to convince him that wasn't me on the date with him.



Yup.  That was Elaine.



The Hubs and Elaine went to the Algonquin Hotel because Elaine is a fan of Dorothy Parker.  (I just caught up on her tonight and I have to say I'm a fan now too.  So there, Elaine.)



Elaine went ice skating in Central Park on a beautiful, cold and starry night.  (All the time we lived in New York City the Hubs never took me ice skating in Central Park because he was positive we'd already done that and we didn't "need to do it twice".)



Elaine drove to Vermont with the Hubs to look at the fall foliage.  (I've never been to Vermont.)



I know there are more, but these are the ones I can think of tonight.





I've never even seen the outside of this place, let alone the inside.



After arguing with me for a good fifteen minutes and me Googling pictures of the Algonquin Hotel to reassure myself that I've never been there, the Hubs FINALLY said, "You know what?  I think you're right.  It was Elaine I took there."



"Nice, asshole."



"Hey!  You shouldn't be mad.  You should look at this way:  I can't even remember anyone else after I met you.  I just assume I did all these wonderful things with you."



Nice try, Hubs.







Photo:  dorothyparkernyc.com

Top Read Posts This Week:



Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies - And so it begins.  This post has been lighting up Pinterest this week and has easily claimed the number one spot for the week.  I doubt it will have as big a run as it had last year (over 1.2 million reads), but wouldn't that be cool if it did??



Who is the HUBS? - It's been a while since the Hubs guest posted and it looks like he's been missed.  Did you guys know he has his own blog now too?  You can read it here.  I'm ashamed to say that he's taught all of our family to pee in the shower.



The First Time Gomer Pitched a Fit -  Gomer turned 8 this weekend and it made get all nostalgic for the baby days and then I remembered the fateful "Old Navy Incident."  



Week 7 of My Transformation - The Dirty 30 - This was a tough day at the gym.  I've been told that there is something called the Filthy 50.  Kill.  Me.  Now.  The last status update you'll ever see from me will be, "Kris says today is the day for the Filthy 50.  Goodbye, cruel world."



Book Update:


Last week someone pointed out that if they read this blog in a reader they still don't know the name of my book.  See?  I suck at marketing.  Reader people, the book is called SPENDING THE HOLIDAYS WITH PEOPLE I WANT TO PUNCH IN THE THROAT.  It's still only available at Amazon - UNLESS you want a signed copy.  Those have to be ordered through the blog here.  Nook is still taking its sweet time.  I'm beginning to think they might be up and ready for Christmas 2013.  



In the meantime, here is a review I received on Amazon:



"This was such a fun read! I love to read Jen's blog: People I Want to Punch in the Throat and as soon as her book was released, I knew I had to read it. I love Jen's blog for her humor and snarky writing. She often says exactly what I'm thinking, and she's not afraid to speak her mind on anything. That's a trait I really admire!

Jen's book is about the holidays (obviously). I think that the inspiration for her book came from her hilarious blog post about the Elf on the Shelf (read that post here). In fact, if you like Jen's Elf on the Shelf post, you'll love her book. Her book is full of essays about the holidays, some of them satirical, all of them hilarious. She covers topics like cookie exchanges and the annual holiday letters (which are actually opportunities to brag about everything your perfect family has done over the past year). I love Jen's open, honest writing and I love her perspective on things. It's so nice to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way about many parts of the holidays!I'm really glad I read this book and really enjoyed it. My one complaint is that it was quite short for the price. I wanted more: more laughs, more rants, more from Jen. I'm definitely going to be reading and buying her next book!" 



UPDATE:  I chose this comment randomly because I thought it summed up the book perfectly.  Come to find out, Kelli, the writer of this comment is a book reviewer (makes sense, huh?) and she's written a review on her site.  Check it out here.  If you've written a review on your blow, please let me know.




My Favorite Comments of the Week (and My Replies if Necessary):



Your just an ignorant fool. I have a dog and she is my world. I post everything about her on social media. I tell everyone if you don't like it unfriend me. Remember not everyone can have kids... To each its own but you shouldnt try to put people down not cool. Oh and by the way dogs lick there ball and kids eat there boogers... on People Who Treat Their Dogs Like Children



I love when people who can't spell call me ignorant.  I also love when people say stuff like "if you don't like it unfriend me" uhhh . . . the feeling is mutual.  No one asked you to read.  There is no need to come here if you think I'm so ignorant.



i knew it. there is a special menu that the white people don't see!! i live in Malaysia and the locals all ways order better food, that i cant find on the menu !!! on Who is The HUBS??



I knew it, when I asked about jellyfish they gave me a crazy look at the Chinese restaurant around the way. I had it at my husband's co-workers house and it was so good. on Who is The HUBS??



The last one had me guffawing. But as much as I can use logic and reason to agree with you, Hubs, my mister will not be reading this post because if it's in OUR shower, then it's gross. :) on Who is The HUBS??



My husband is a Great Clips guy though now we are in a small town he is actually a WalMart guy. He would try to walk-in to the get his hair cut at the salon's here and couldn't get in -- which made him want to punch them in the throat. So now he heads up to WalMart on his schedule and actually comes home with a decent cut. And as someone who cleaned showers at a water park for a summer job. Peeing in public showers is not natural. Neither is pooping. But it didn't stop people from doing it. on Who is The HUBS??



OMG! I am laughing my ass off at this post! My husband has always pee'd in the shower and it totally grosses me out! Then he taught our son to do it!! They are huge water savers, because if it is not time for a shower they pee of our back porch (we live out in the country)! Double GROSS!! I do have to admit it has caused me to have VERY clean showers/tubs because I sterilize at LEAST 3 times a week!! on Who is The HUBS??




Love it! Next time I see the Hubs at an event I'm gonna think "That man pee's in the shower." on Who is The HUBS??



I pulled a boob in my sleep once. No really, I did! I was 3 weeks post implant and reached across to turn off my alarm clock and pulled something in my newly awesome boob! I broke it! After 4 months of pain it decided to try to exit the building! Ended up with a hole in my tata, had to have it removed and was lopsided for 9 months while it healed. Sleep injuries are no joke!! on Week 7 of My Transformation - The Dirty 30



Awesome job, Jen! I love doing workouts like The Dirty 30 b/c they are such a challenge and I'm very stubborn. Plus it's a nice change from the same old routine. The other great thing is that when you do it again in the future, you are going to OWN the Dirty 30. Great job and congrats on the attitude shift. That is 2/3rd's of the battle! :) on Week 7 of My Transformation - The Dirty 30



This story just made my morning. Sorry you had to go through that but I've been there. I am only laughing because my boys are now 19 and 13 and those days seem easy in comparison to what our older one has put us through in his teens. I love your response to the grandma and teenager in line. You Rock!!! on The First Time Gomer Pitched a Fit



This.Is.Awesome. Not that he threw a fit - but how clearly you remember it so many years later. Isn't it weird how much one event makes such a strong memory..... My spawn are awesome fit throwers...and I'm not one to give in. We're both as stubborn as a nail. Makes for some fun times....fun times.... on The First Time Gomer Pitched a Fit



Every time we drive by that Old Navy store, both of my kids shudder a bit and say in a hushed voice, "THAT'S where Gomer threw a fit over a ball."



After taking away Gomer's toys, I'd take away The Hubs' too!!! Can't handle his own kids for an hour--on home turf?? I remember before I had kids how annoyed I'd be when I heard kids throwing fits, but karma has sufficiently bit me in the ass with my two kiddos. We've all been there--you did great, Jenn! on The First Time Gomer Pitched a Fit



oh jen. thank you for being honest! so many moms i know act as if they don't get mad at their kids when they act like this. my son who is so like your gomer, did this to me in the waiting room at the doctor's office the other day. i had to sit there and endure the out of nowhere fit for 25 minutes. i ignored, then whispered threats and then started crying. it's so hard to take when they're usually so good. hope your babies have happy birthday celebrations this weekend!! on The First Time Gomer Pitched a Fit



Jen- I've been reading your blog on and off for about a year. Although I'm smart enough to know that we can't share a brain and couldn't possibly have been separated at birth, I definitely identify with your sense of humor. If I didn't have my snarky outlook towards life I would basically cease to exist. I have a blog and am sincerely jealous of how yours took off. You certainly have a knack for keeping your readers interested and entertained. Other than kissing your ass in this post, the main reason I wanted to write to you is because I am a gay man, who has a gay sister (my mother is so lucky- no really). I admire the things you've posted regarding being open and being bold about it. Allies like you don't come around so often, especially the ones who stand up and make it public. So, on behalf of me and my gay family, I just wanted to say thank you! And, happy birthday to your kiddos. on PIWTPITT Message Boards



Wow.  This comment made my year.  Thank you.



LOVE THIS!!! I've just learned of your blog, and I'm already hooked. No wonder you went viral with this post! It's fucking brilliant! We don't have an EOTS. My niece has tried to pull me on that bandwagon many times. Not happening. I'm too busy for that shit. For crying out loud, I can barely keep up with Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy! on Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies