Jen Mann's Blog, page 46

If you've been reading this blog for any time now, you will have noticed that I tell far more stories about Adolpha than I do Gomer.  It's not because Adolpha is my favorite.  (She's not.  I don't have favorites.  Really I don't.  My favorite is whoever leaves me alone while I write this.)  It's not even because Adolpha is funnier than Gomer.



It's because over time Gomer has asked me not to write about him.  He will do something hysterical or tell me a funny story and immediately he stops, gets an intense expression, and asks me, "Will this be on the blog, Mom?"



When he was younger, Gomer would tell us some outlandish and amazing stories.  He had fantastic jokes that he would make up and a belly laugh like none I've ever heard.



Over the last year, this has all changed.  Gomer still tells great stories, but he's far more reserved now. This summer I asked him to write in his journal every day so that he could keep his skills sharp for when school started back up.  Last summer this wasn't a problem at all.  Gomer would write about his day or his dreams or his Legos or just about anything.  This summer he complained that he had nothing to write about.  I understood completely.  There are days I have nothing to write about or nothing "moves" me enough to form an opinion on.  I explained to him that we have to write every day or else we'll never find anything to write about.  He asked me what I like to write about.  I told him I love to tell funny stories, but unfortunately I don't have enough for every day.



He was horrified that I liked to tell funny stories.  "What if people laugh at you?" he asked.



"That's the point, Gomer.  I want them to laugh.  I love to make people laugh," I replied.



"No.  What if they laugh at you," he said emphasizing the "at."



He went on to tell me how kids at school started teasing him because he told "weird" stories and he was sure they were all laughing at him and not with him.  He decided to stop telling funny stories, because he didn't like kids laughing at him.



This broke my heart.



One year ago my son was a bubbly kid who cracked us up on a daily basis.  He told knock knock jokes until we were blue in the face and made up hilarious stories.  Now he's worried about what everyone will think of him.  He's afraid to let loose and be himself.  He's wound up so tightly and he's so self-aware of everything he does.  He doesn't even belly laugh much anymore, because that's embarrassing to him.



I think seven years old is just too young to already start doubting yourself.  I was hoping we could put this off at least until the middle school years.  I can't believe that in second grade he's already concerned about appearances.  It upsets me so much that at seven years old there is already this sort of crap to deal with and worry about.  He shouldn't even feel the pressure of fitting in or being like everyone else.  It also upset me to know that he's reining in his creative side, because it's not acceptable to his friends.



I let him see some of the comments on my blog from people who said they laughed until they cried or spit coffee out of their noses ("See, Gomer, they're not embarrassed to say that at all.  I think that's the highest compliment I can get!") or they read my blog when they're having a bad day and it makes it a little brighter or they read my blog while they're undergoing chemotherapy treatment and it lifts their spirits.  I tried to help Gomer understand the power of humor and the amazing gift that it is.



"You can't keep it to yourself," I told him.  "It has to be shared."



Tonight Gomer brought me his homework assignment to check.  He was supposed to write a Halloween story.  I saw glimpses of the old Gomer in this story.  He wrote about a guy who stumbles upon a real haunted house and has a run in with a vampire.  I read it out loud and he stopped me several times to say, "No, Mom, you need more inflection at this part.  He's saying 'PHEW!  That was close!'" or "I thought it would be funnier if he got so scared he jumped out the window."



Like any writer, he took my gentle corrections a bit hard.  He'd messed up his there, their and they're and I was trying to help him see the difference.  It resulted in tears, but I explained to him that all writing goes through several drafts and as hard as it is, we have to take some critiques.



When we finished up for the night, I reminded him that not everyone might think his story is funny (it happens), but I was just so glad to see him taking a chance with his writing and really letting his own style shine through again.  I really hope this continues.

Dear Bra Manufacturers,



Hi there.  I'm Jen.  I am a 40 year old mother of two.



Actually, allow me to introduce myself in a language you can understand: I'm a 38 DDD.



I have always had a ridiculous time bra shopping for these small boulders I carry around and I'm always cursing your names.  You've probably heard me yelling "Damn you, Maidenform, and your barbed underwire!" or "I hate you, Vicki!  Your secret is to just push everything to the top and hope it stays put!" from various dressing rooms around the country.



You bra manufacturers have been doing a bit better over the years with making more comfortable and better supporting bras for every day use, but would it kill you to make them pretty too?  Girls with jugs like to have a bra that is a work horse and attractive - think how beautiful those Budweiser Clydesdales are.  They can haul a lot, but they look good doing it.  And don't even get me started on the prices you charge!



As much as I'd like a gorgeous and affordable bra, I'm getting off topic.  That isn't why I'm writing today.  Today, I'm writing to you about sports bras.  WTF, you guys?  Have you even tried on your so-called sports bras you try to sell to the girls with the coconut sized boobies??  Did you ever invite a couple of chesty girls over to sample your wares before you sold them to the stores?  I don't think you did.  I think you guys took a regular sized sports bra and just sort of enlarged it and called it good.



I've recently started a new work out regiment.  I'm not running or anything crazy like that, but there is a fair amount of bobbing and hopping and such.  I decided I needed a sports bra to help contain the girls and make it more comfortable to work out without slapping myself upside the face with an errant breast.







If your bra can handle these, then let's talk!



The first one I tried was from the Just My Size brand.  I figured, this brand knows big girls and surely they understand our plight and they've made a bra that can withstand a work out and keep everything in its place.  Ha!



This bra was a joke.  It was the worst one I tried.  It was like wearing a t-shirt with a bit of elastic around the edges.  My boobs literally fell out of the bottom of this piece of crap.  What the hell?



Next I tried Danskin.  I should have known better.  This is a brand that caters to the boobless.  Their XL sports bra is like a strangling tube top that can barely cover the middle of my boobs.  Once I finally wriggled into the damn thing my boobs were squishing out the top, the bottom and the sides.  I think there was even a bit of boobage shoved around behind me!  I looked like two dachsunds fighting inside of a child's leotard.  I practically had to cut myself out of the damn thing.    



This week I picked up a Jockey bra that was touted to have a "new and improved fit" - or some sort of "buy me now" jargon.  When I put it on, I was moderately impressed.  Everything fit where it was supposed to and there was very little cleavage seepage.  My only complaint is the support.  It's still a bit more jiggly than I'd prefer.  You're getting there, Jockey!  Keep trying.



What I'd like to propose is that we work together.  I will help you design the perfect sports bra for the lady who probably will never go for a run or do a jumping jack in her life, but would love to have the support to do so if she so chooses.



I can try out your prototypes and tell you what is good and what is bad.  For instance, I've seen a lot of sports bras that zip up the front.  I'm guessing that would be bad for the XL boobies.  I can't imagine the pain of catching a bit of excess flesh in a zipper.



What I'm thinking of is a cross between a giant Ace bandage that you can wrap tightly around the girls and secure with heavy duty Velcro and one of those Moby Wrap baby carriers.  Maybe it could be a product that does both?  You can use it to carry your baby OR strap down your melons and go for a jog.  Because it's multi functional I won't mind paying $65.00.



You guys let me know when you're ready.  In the meantime, I'm going to go find some duct tape and strap these babies down and get ready for my work out this morning with Kris.

Many of us have been bridesmaids in our lives for friends and family members.  Every bride thinks a bridesmaid should feel really special because she is one of the "chosen few."  There can only be one . . . or four . . . or 15. . . of your closest friends to stand up with you in poufy taffeta ensembles and dyed to match shoes on the most important day of your life.



Sure most of the brides we stood up with were really cool to be around, but we've all had that one bridezilla friend.  Y'know, that one who ran her wedding like a corporate board meeting where she handed out agendas and time tables for everyone that included times for them to "be on deck" for the photographer or gave each bridesmaid a bag of "must have" items like bendy straws (can't wreck the bride's lipstick when you're trying to keep her hydrated) or Shout Wipes (for when the bride is a moron and can't control her bendy straw and gets lipstick on her dress when the bendy straw falls out of her mouth and onto her dress).



Oh wait, that was me.  I was that bride.



Yup, I was a bit of a psycho.  In those days my job was to organize and plan board meetings for a large multi-national company in NYC and I pretty much ran my wedding like a board meeting.  It might have been a little crazy for the people participating in the wedding, but I tell you what, my wedding ran like fucking clockwork.  (Except for the damn cleaning crew that was supposed to clean the church.  Instead my wedding party stayed behind and cleaned the church while the rest of us went to the reception!  It still gets me mad when I think about that.)




Anyway, what I mean to say is that I was a bridezilla and my guess is I'm not the only one.  I'm betting that many of you were too.  However, when I read this email that was sent out recently by a bride to her first round picks for bridesmaids it made me realize that I've got nothing to be ashamed of.  This chick is nuts and ballsy.  And nuts.  Go check it out on Gawker.  I don't want to cut and paste the whole email, because that's uncool and Gawker won't appreciate that.  It's fine.  I'll wait.  It's all the way at the bottom of Gawker's article.



Source:  Zazzle



What a twat.  I can't even imagine the poor sap who is marrying this bitch.  I don't blame her friends for sharing this email with Gawker.  It had to be done.  Can you imagine how ape shit she must have gone when she realized her email had been leaked?  I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when her sister called her up and said, "Uhhh. . . sweetie?  Are you sitting down?  One of your precious sorority sisters leaked your email to Gawker.  Daddy should totally get his money back from that rush week consultant - those are not the kind of people we expected!"



"Why?  Which email are you talking about?"



"You know, the one where you look . . . kind of bad."



"I sent three emails to those bitches.  I'm not sure which one you mean."



"It was that one where you told them they had to cc me on everything, but never each other, because we would decide if it was worthy of passing along to the group."



"Well, that's not so bad.  Those girls are idiots and they do 'reply all' to every thing.  No one gives a shit that Ashley is thinking of getting her hair cut before the wedding.  We're the only ones who need to know that.  You did say 'No' to her, right?  Everyone must have the figure 8 bun for the wedding, the sleek pony tail for the Vegas party and the low side chignon for the New York party.  You told her to see my 'Approved Wedding Party Hairstyles' board on Pinterest, right?"



"Yes, I told her."



"Good."



"You also said everyone had to give you their vacation schedules in advance."



"They do.  How else can I plan all the parties and get togethers I need to plan without knowing their agendas?  It's only common sense, sissy!"



"What about when you said that if they couldn't come to everything you'd feel bad, but you'd cut them out of your bridal party, because you want everyone at everything?"



"I don't think I said anything wrong.  My wedding would be ruined if everyone couldn't be in New York, Vegas, and Aspen.  It's the biggest fucking day of my life.  I want everyone there and I don't want any of the guests saying, 'Poor girl, her bridal party didn't care enough to come to New York or Vegas or Aspen.'  That just brings unwanted attention to me.  I want to be the center of attention, but not because I look like a loser without any friends!  That's why I warned them that I'd cut them if they couldn't come to everything.  I cut Shauna because she had that trip to Italy or whatever planned."



"Shauna's been saving for two years to go on that trip.  She was just going to miss one bridal shower."



"It doesn't matter!  If she can't be at all, then she can't be at any!  Maybe she leaked the email!  Cut her from the attendees list.  She's no longer invited to my wedding."



"And then you told them that you couldn't have them if they were too poor to pay for all the presents, trips, dresses, etc."



"Sissy!  I am not a bank.  Daddy is not a bank.  Daddy is already paying a lot for my wedding.  I am not paying for that shit and I do not have time to listen to them whine about lack of money!  It is an honor and a privilege to be my bridesmaid and it is also an expensive endeavor.  They can't say I didn't warn them."



"I know, but it just seemed a little harsh to me.  You know that Kelsey works in retail, so it's kind of hard for her to come up with enough money to pay for everything."



"Ohh, I bet it was Kelsey who leaked the email.  She complained last week when I pinned those $400 shoes on my 'Bridesmaids' board.  She said they were only going to wear them once and they were so expensive.  Uh, excuse me?  If I want my bridesmaids to wear teal and hot pink shoes, they will.  And of course they can wear them again - with their fucking dresses I picked out for them!  Stupid, Kelsey.  She works at Forever 21 and you know she was thinking she could just use her discount and buy a dress there.  Cut her too."



"She's already agreed to be a bridesmaid.  She even got a loan to pay for everything."



"Yeah, but she's killing my bridal buzz.  I shouldn't have to deal with her complaints.  I just know she's the one who leaked that email.  Cut.  Her.  And put out a new email to the rest of them and let them know that Kelsey is out.  Tell them why.  Make them shake a bit.  Make them think they could be cut from the most epic wedding EVER.  Tell them that if I find out who leaked my email to Gawker I will tell every secret I know about them to Gawker.  Tell them too that I'm having my lawyer write up a non disclosure for them to sign.  If anyone leaks anything more about this wedding, I'm going to sue their asses.  Don't be too harsh, though - put a happy face emoticon thingy on the bottom."



"OK.  I'm on it!"



"Shit.  I just realized!"



"What?"



"Now I know exactly which email you're talking about.  I think I had a lot of misspelled words in it.  I'm going to look like a moron."



"Too late, sissy."

Top Read Posts This Week:



Adolpha at Cheerleading Practice - I signed Adolpha up for a cheerleading clinic at my alma mater.  Tonight she was supposed to perform at the halftime show at the game.  I paid $35 for the clinic and $6 to get into the game and she gave up before the end of the first quarter because she was "too cold."  Looks like she's over cheerleading.  Now she's looking for an indoor sport she can try.



My Book Cover is Done! - I had so many kick ass entries, but in the end the awesome Jake Clark won me over.  There were a lot of choice comments for my old professor.  He actually died last year so I won't be able to give him a copy.




Do You Like YA Books?  Then Enter This Contest! - My friend, K.D. McEntire, offered to give away a copy of her fantastic books.  We had a great response to this.  K.D. actually had a personal thing come up and she hasn't been able to pick a winner.  I will notify the winner next week.  If you haven't entered yet, go ahead and do so now.



Week 2 of My Transformation - I went to see my trainer this week and I was in a rotten mood.  Thank you to everyone who contacted me about getting some work out gloves.  I will look into making a purchase so my soft and spongy hands don't get any more damage.



My Book is Ready for Purchase! - Yup.  It's done.  I don't want to brag or anything (Oh who am I kidding?  Yes, I do.), but I am shooting up the ranks at Amazon and tonight I passed Ellen Degeneres' book and now I've got my sights set on my bestie, Ms. Bossypants herself.  If this doesn't get her attention, I don't know what will.  Look out Colonel, the Jeneral is coming!  PS - Nook still hasn't gotten their shit together.  I am working on them.  Ack!!!!



Wow, I used a lot of exclamation points this week.  I will try and reign it in next week.  Surely it won't be as exciting as this week.



Message Board Update:



I'm sure many of you saw the video of the newscaster firing back at the viewer who called her fat.  I tried writing about it several times this week, but how can you say "You're a bully, you asshole!  And I'm not saying that in a bullying manner, I'm just stating the obvious."??  I felt like I was bullying him!  Someone put the topic on the message boards and I think that's a much better place to talk about it.  If you don't want to talk about that, there are lots of other good topics on the board too or you can start your own.  Did you know that when you comment on the message boards a link to your newest blog post shows up?  That is a great way to find new readers for your blog and new blogs for you to read, so join the message boards today.  It's easy and fun.  



Read Me Ad-FREE on Your Kindle:

Love PIWTPITT, but hate the ads?  Subscribe on your Kindle and enjoy all the punches without any distraction.  While you're there, why don't you leave a review for the blog?  Even if you don't subscribe, just come by and leave a funny review.  Something that includes the words "peed my pants" and/or "spit coffee out of my nose" would be great.  It would make my day.  



My Favorite Comments of the Week (and My Response if Necessary): 



While I'm not all that surprised that you're anti-cheerleader, I AM a little taken aback that you were the high school girl you just described. Don't know how I pictured you exactly, but that's not it. I wasn't thinking the perky cheerleader type, but still one of the popular kids. I think I envisioned more of a "Why don't you just fuck off" type of chick. You know, kinda like Rizzo from "Grease". Minus the slut factor. I don't get that vibe at all. on Adolpha at Cheerleading Practice



Hmm. . . interesting.  Rizzo, huh?  Of course I always dreamed of being Sandy, but in all actuality I was probably more like Frenchie.  Moving in the middle of high school was really hard on me and it shut me down completely.  I was more angry and while I thought "fuck off," I rarely voiced it.  It wasn't until later in life that I decided not to keep it in any longer.



My daughter wanted to do cheer clinic when she was nine. All her friends were going, so she figured it would be a chance for an extra play session. As we are walking in at 7:30 a.m. on a SATURDAY morning, we are greeted by two bouncy cheerleaders. I say to my daughter, "If you decide to be a cheerleader, you would get to wear a skirt like that." She nods and says, "yeah, only I don't want to be a cheerleader." I stifled the urge to shout, "Then why in hell are we here???!!!" on Adolpha at Cheerleading Practice



That's pretty much how I felt tonight when her minder brought her to the stands and said, "Adolpha is cold and wants to go home.  I told her we should do some jumping jacks to stay warm, but she's not interested."  Adolpha just moaned, "I'm cold.  Let's go.  I don't want to do this anymore."  So glad I was sitting there freezing my ass off so she could flake out.



I just bought your book for my Kindle! Laughing out loud right now!!!! It is not an autographed copy, but hey, I am one of the first to read it! Thanks for putting into words exactly what I am thinking :) on My Book Cover is Done!



I'm glad you like it.  It's a bit nerve-wracking for me.  Thank you for buying it.



Major Congrats, Jen!!!! As a writer I still get a thrill when I see my name on the cover a book and I just pubbed my 9th book. May it never get old and may you write a bunch!!! on My Book Cover is Done



Let me get to nine and then I'll let you know if you're right!  Congrats on YOUR success.  That just seems like a huge accomplishment to me.



I hope you don't mind, but I pinned your book to my wall - PR baby! on My Book Cover is Done!



OK, let me be clear.  I NEVER mind when anyone chooses to pin me, share me, tweet me, link to me, etc.  Please pass me around like a bad cold.  I love it.



My wish for Jen is that we see a copy of her book on the holiday episode of 30 Rock, maybe opened up on Liz Lemon's desk or peeking out of her hoodie pocket. *Who do we have to call? Who's wishing this with me?* on My Book is Ready for Purchase!!



So awesome, Jen! I want my very own copy to sniff, so I'll order from Amazon. I'm old school like that. Then I'll go write a glowing review! Even if it sucks balls! Which it won't... :) on My Book is Ready for Purchase!!



Um, yeah. If she does find an exercise that gets you down more than a cup size, PLEASE let us know about it! Sincerely, Large-breasted women everywhere. on Week 2 of My Transformation



Results are the best motivation! Keep it up! We enjoy hearing about your pain. Victories. I meant victories. Yes. That's it. Ha! on Week 2 of My Transformation



I have gone from Zumba directly to Andy's Frozen Custard. More than once. on Week 2 of My Transformation



When kids are tiny and we are both stay-at-home moms, and it's agreed that every child is accompanied by an adult on a play date, please don't hire a babysitter and send her over with the kid. Baby play dates for SAHMS are as much, or more, about moms meeting new friends than they are about the kids playing together. I am not here to entertain your babysitter while you take a nap! on My Rules for MOMS at Playdates



OK, that sounds horrible.  I've never had that happen, but if I had it would have definitely made the list.  That's just nuts and rude.

The book is available!!  I thought the book cover announcement was exciting, but I'm going to go ahead and say this is more exciting.



OK, so it's a bit confusing and I'll do my best to explain it to you.  Please try and follow my ramblings because I have no idea how to make a flow chart.



Let's start with the easiest one:



NOOK - Sorry, it's not available yet for Nook.  The Nookers are taking their sweet time getting it set up on their site and I have no idea when they'll be ready.  I'll keep you posted once I know more.



KINDLE - If you'd like to download it RIGHT NOW then just go ahead and click this link and I'll see you when you're done reading.



PAPERBACK BOOK DELIVERED TO YOUR DOOR - You don't have a Kindle or a Nook or any other device you'd like to read on?  Are you a book sniffer who loves the smell of a new book?  Then this is the option for you.  You can order a copy here and it will be sent to you in a few days.




PAPERBACK BOOK DELIVERED TO YOUR DOOR WITH A PERSONALIZED MESSAGE AND MY SIGNATURE AND I THINK I PROMISED IT WOULD BE SEALED WITH A KISS - OK, this is the most confusing one.  Since I am my own distribution center I have to order the books first to be sent here to my house so I can then sign them and turn around and send them to you.  The books are ordered, but will not arrive at my house until OCTOBER 22.  I will sign them and ship them out as quickly as possible via U.S. Mail with a 2-7 business day delivery.  That means we're looking at early November to get your signed copy.  If you are cool with that, then click this link and pre-order your book through PayPal.  When you order through PayPal there is a spot that says ADD SPECIAL INSTRUCTIONS.  This is where you should let me know who to make the book out to and if you'd like me to write anything in particular.  If you have already ordered and you didn't do that, no worries, just send me an email at [email protected] and let me know the name it was charged to and your instructions.  I will match it up.  If you leave this space blank and don't send me an email I'll assume you just want my John Hancock and that's it.  



APPLE PEOPLE - The book is not in the iStore or whatever you call it, because I am a PC and Apple hates me.  You'll need to download either the Nook or Kindle app and go that route.



I think that's all of it now.  If you have any questions or I wasn't clear just send me an email.



Obviously, I hope you buy the book and enjoy it.  If you do like it (or hate it even), I would really appreciate it if you could go back to where you bought it (Amazon or BN) and leave a review. This helps me more than you know.



Another thing I'd love is if you could tell one friend about this book.  I don't need your whole family (unless you want to tell them), just your bestie or your co-worker or your neighbor - just someone who likes to laugh.  I promise you, they won't be disappointed.  Just one more person would make my day.



I've said it before and I'll say it again until you're sick of it:  THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!  This is so amazing for me and I am so grateful to all of you for making today possible.

Well, I'm gearing up this morning for my second work out this week with my new personal trainer, Kris, at Starting Line Fitness.



I just hope she reads this and takes it easy on me today, because she really kicked my ass on Tuesday - I'm still hobbling along because muscles I never even knew existed are sore.  I arrived on Tuesday in a bad mood and I think she tried get me to a happy place with exercise and that runner's high/endorphin shit doesn't work with me.  Instead, as the hour progressed the black cloud over my head just kept getting darker and darker.  I'm not sure how many times I muttered, "Son.  Of.  A.  Bitch." but I'm pretty sure it was a lot.  I'm positive I yelled it when she showed me this contraption:







It's a set of ropes suspended from the ceiling.  (No, it's not a sex swing, you pervs.)  It's for reverse push ups or some such nonsense.  I don't know what they're called, but they're my own personal hell. You basically hang on to the loops and lean waaaaaayyy back so you're reclined and then you pull yourself up.  Just when you get high enough for it not to hurt anymore you go back down to more pain.  I think I did these three separate times on Tuesday.  I'm such a Pillsbury Dough Girl that I actually got blisters on this stupid thing.  I doubt I will ever like this one.




Tuesday was the first time I didn't enjoy our workouts together.  Yup, I said "enjoy" and "workout" in the same sentence.  Did you feel that?  The Earth stopped rotating for just a millisecond when I typed that.  I actually do enjoy our time together.  Kris has been a great motivator and she always has a good story to tell me when I'm trying not to think about how many more (fucking) reps I need to do.  Just when I'm sick of one activity it's time to move to the next.  Plus, she lets me throw things:









These are big old medicine balls (remember "Big Bertha" from gym class??) that I get to throw and/or slam into the ground repeatedly.  Forget punching anyone, this is the way to go.



Tuesday was harder because it was the day to up the ante.  When I complained to her at the end of our session that she'd kicked my ass she just smiled and said, "I have to constantly help you improve."  I wanted to smack that smile off her face . . .UNTIL.



Until yesterday when I started taking notice of the changes to my body.  In two short weeks with Kris I am already seeing results of my hard work.  My pants are looser and that jiggly stuff under my arms is getting firmer.  My energy level is through the roof.  I'm not going to run a marathon this weekend or anything crazy like that, but I am getting a lot more done because I have more energy during the day.  Now if Kris could just devise an exercise that would take my boobs down a cup and half I'd be ecstatic.



I didn't keep any measurements at the beginning, so I'm going to measure myself today so I can see where I am in another two weeks.



Every day Kris puts up a new motivational quote on her workout board and I really liked this one the other day:





"I hated every minute of training, but I said,  'Don't quit.  Suffer now and live the rest of your life a CHAMPION.'" - Mohammad Ali





Now, I'm ready to put my on my (baggy) workout pants and head over there in a couple of hours.  But then I can have ice cream as my reward, right?




PS. My book is ready for orders.  Click here for the details.  Thanks.

It's happening!  I am sitting here tonight looking at the brand new cover design for my BOOK!!!  I can not even begin to tell you guys how excited I am.  Isn't it perfect?  I had so many awesome submissions it was hard to choose.  In the end I chose this one, because every time I look at those carolers' heads on the floor, it makes me laugh.







Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat





This is a looooonnnnnng time coming and I can't believe it's here.  The book should be ready for purchase in just a week or two!  Can you believe that?!  The book will be available on Amazon and Nook.  Some of you (OK, really just my dad) have asked for a signed copy.  If you so desire, you will be able to order a personalized signed book from yours truly directly from my website.  I'll seal it with a kiss and ship it to your door.



I don't think I've been clear just how big this is for me.  Ever since I was a little girl I have dreamed about writing a book.  That's all I ever wanted to do.  Instead of playing with dolls and ponies, I used to write stories when I was a kid.  I was a dreamer who always had my head in the clouds or my nose in a book.  I've been a story teller my whole life and now I'm writing those stories down to share with people who actually want to read them.  That blows my mind.



It's taken me so long to get to this point, because I've had a ton of obstacles to overcome first.



When I was in high school I moved to Kansas from New Jersey and I had a rough time transitioning.  I didn't fit in at my new high school.  I found it impossible to make friends.  (I still find it tough sometimes.)  I wasn't bullied, instead I was just invisible.  I was ignored completely.  It was as if I didn't exist and didn't matter.  All I had to keep me company were my books and the stories I wrote.  



The only person who noticed me and took the time to get to know me was my English teacher, Mr. Goodson.  He was such an amazing teacher who really encouraged me to be creative and to push my boundaries with my writing.  He allowed me to discover my voice and he really helped me to cultivate it.  He showed us that everyone has their own style and that's OK because we've all got our own story to tell.



With his guidance and his support I wrote a short story that won me a scholarship to college.  I left for college finally believing in myself and thinking that I could actually make a living at writing.  When I got to college everything changed.



I majored in Creative Writing and I was assigned to an advisor from absolute fucking hell.  I knew instantly that he did not like me and he did not like my writing.  I knew this, because he told me - clearly and succinctly (with big words worthy of a pompous asshole English professor).  He was sure to tell me every chance he got just how much I sucked.  When I reminded him I won a writing scholarship, he told me that the submission pool that year had been especially weak.  He berated me and basically made me feel like shit in class and every time we met in private.  I'm not sure why he hated me so much or what I ever did to piss him off, but there was something about me that really grated on his nerves.  He went out of his way to make sure I knew how little he thought of me.



During our years together, this man wore me down like no one else.  At one point during an advisory meeting he told me I needed a back up plan, because no one would ever buy anything I wrote.  He actually suggested I marry rich.  After that, I quit meeting with him.  What was the point?  I wrote whatever was necessary to finish college and get my degree and get away from him.  I did find jobs that paid me to write, but I never wrote anything creative again.  He'd ruined it for me.  I no longer loved writing.



Finally, a few years ago I started up again.  I wrote a couple of short stories for Gomer and then, with the Hubs' encouragement, a year and a half ago I started this blog.  This blog has saved me.  I found my love again.  This blog has empowered me and it has made so many of my dreams come true (like the book).



Most importantly, this blog led me to YOU - to my readers.  You are my people.  You get me and you understand me.  You support me and you encourage me.  You laugh at me and you laugh with me.  You keep me going when I'm down and you make me so happy.  I am so grateful for all of you!



Want to order the book?  It's ready.  Click here.

Tonight I entered the hallowed halls of my former high school for the first time since 1990 and I about broke out in hives.  The high school years were not the best for me and I am definitely not one of those people who would love to relive those "glory" days.  Instead, I gave that school the bird as I peeled out of the parking lot on my last day and vowed never to return.  Tonight I had to break that vow.



Not only did I have to venture back into that den of douchebags and dipshits, I went because I was bringing Adolpha to a cheerleading clinic.  The irony is not lost on me.





Some of Adolpha's friends signed up for this clinic and they asked if she'd like to join.  Adolpha has been telling us for years that she'd love to be a cheerleader and I keep re-directing to her to anything but.  I don't know why exactly.  It's not like the cheerleaders were any more horrible to me than the girls' tennis team.  I guess it's because when I think of cheerleaders I think of everything I am not:  girly, perky, bendy, and like totally adorable with soft and silky hair that bounces just right when they jump.  I couldn't avoid it any longer.  I want Adolpha to have fun with her friends and she might as well try cheerleading with some friendly faces surrounding her.  I took a deep breath and wrote the check.



I told a friend today that I was taking Adolpha tonight and that I wasn't looking forward to it.  She replied, "What's so bad about cheerleading?"




"Nothing, I guess," I said. "Except my Friday nights will be spent in a stadium or a gym watching someone else's son play a sport just so I can see my daughter encourage him to play better.  That sounds horrible to me."



I tried to keep an open mind since I knew Adolpha was excited.  As we drove there I told her, "We're going to my old school.  I used to go to high school at this school."



"Really?  Do you think any of your friends are still there?" she asked.



"I should hope not!  They'd be pretty stupid if they were still there.  It's been over 20 years."



"Wow, that's a long time," Adolpha said.



"It sure is," I agreed.



We entered the school and we were greeted by a gaggle of girls with enormous bows in their hair and short skirts.  "I assume we're in the right place for the cheerleading clinic?" I asked.



"Of course!  Come on in!" was the perky (of course) response.



The girls had their clinic in the lunch room.  The lunch room is probably my least favorite part of that entire school.  I can remember entirely too many lunches where I either ate alone or in the bathroom, because I wasn't in the mood to be ridiculed for eating alone.



My only fond memory of the lunch room is the day I met Steve.  He was a new student who transferred in our junior year.  I found him hanging out near the bathroom looking for an escape route as well.  We bonded over our mutual hatred of most everyone around us.  Steve is still one of my closest friends and he is the only thing that got me through my time in that place.



I gulped down the bile in my throat and found a place where I could watch Adolpha "shake her tail feather."  (Yeah, they danced to that song.)  I've mentioned before that Adolpha is not a graceful girl.  Tonight was no different.  When everyone went right, Adolpha went left.  If they stretched up, Adolpha crouched down.  At one point she was doing her entire routine facing backwards.  (Yup, that's my girl!)  She never seemed to care that she wasn't very good.  She enjoyed learning the routines and spending time with her friends.  She liked all the attention she received from the teenagers running the clinic.



When it was over and we were driving home I asked her, "Did you have fun tonight?"



"Yup."



"Do you like cheerleading?" I asked, dreading the answer.



"Yeah, it's OK."



I felt a twinge of hope.  "Do you like cheerleading better than soccer?"



"No.  I like to kick the ball better than yelling."



Yes!  That's my girl!

I don't usually do giveaways unless it's Bic lady pens that I've bought with my own money, but I recently had the chance to meet K.D. McEntire, the author of the awesome Lightbringer series.  She reads the blog and once she saw my various book threads on here she just knew that I had to read her books.  She was right.  When I told her how much I enjoyed them, she offered to give away some copies of her books to you guys.  How could I deny you that opportunity?


I know that a lot of you are very similar to me when it comes to our taste in books.  If that's the case, then you will love Lightbringer and the second installment Reaper .



These books are YA paranormal stories that suck you in and are different than anything I've ever read before (and I've read a lot of YA paranormal).  K.D. has imagined a world that coexists with ours, where some people can go back and forth between the two.  Her heroine, Wendy, is one of those people.  Wendy is a human that can send lost souls into the light.  Without her help, the Lost are doomed to roam the Never.  Because Wendy is human, every time she sends a soul into the light, it takes a toll on her.  Not to mention that she has to battle against darker forces who feed on the Lost.  In the meantime, Wendy meets a guardian of the Lost - Piotr and starts to fall for him, even though she might have to send him into the light eventually.  (Relationships are never easy in these types of books, are they?)




Unlike most YA novels, Wendy doesn't just wake up one and discover she's different and freaks out and needs a teenage boy to guide her or teach her or protect her.  (Blech.)  Instead, she's a strong, kick ass girl who knows exactly what to do with her powers and she's not afraid of them or hesitant to use them.  She's a great role model for young girls.



I also liked the fact that K.D. doesn't sugar coat her characters.  This is a book about teenagers who are moody and angst-ridden (and the angst is not all unrequited love).  They're not perfect and they don't pretend to be.  They also swear sometimes.  Hallelujah.  I'm so tired of reading YA books that say stuff like "she swore an oath under her breath."



There is a lot of fast-paced action to keep the story moving and K.D. does a great job of making the story interesting.  There are so many twists and turns and backstories that these books keep you guessing until the very end and begging for more.



You won't be disappointed.



If these books sound like your cup of tea and you'd like to win a copy signed by K.D., then please leave a comment with your email address or twitter handle and we'll have a random drawing at the end of the week.  Enter now before I change my mind and keep them for myself. 

Guess what?  I am so close to being done now with my book!!  I had a contest this week to find an artist to do the cover.  Thank you to those of you who threw your hat in the ring.  I've narrowed it down to 4 artists and I should have my decision and my cover by the end of the next week.  I am beyond excited.



Top Read Posts This Week:



The Beginning of My Transformation - I've been given an opportunity to work out with a personal trainer and I couldn't say "No."  It meant so much to me to have so many positive comments come through.  Thanks so much for your encouraging and supportive words and I look forward to sharing more with you about getting my ass kicked twice a week.  Yesterday was my third workout so far and today I can barely bend over I'm so sore, BUT I already have a ton more energy.  Pros and cons, I guess.






Lock & Load - Moms Night Out at the Shooting Range - Yippee kay yay, motherfuckers.  I went to the shooting range with a bunch of moms who have never shot a gun.  It was a hilarious night and I'm ready for the Zombie Apocalypse.



Farmer Jeanne & the Apple Orchard - Last week I went with Adolpha's class to an apple orchard where we were yelled at the entire time by the farmers.  Believe it or not, I paid for this experience.



HuffPost mentioned the Hubs this week in their Parenthesis column.  He was really surprised and quite pleased.



Message Board Update:

A reader named Lori started a new thread this week about people being mean and nasty on the web.  If you don't want to talk about this topic, there are lots of other good topics on the board too or you can start your own.  Did you know that when you comment on the message boards a link to your newest blog post shows up?  That is a great way to find new readers for your blog and new blogs for you to read, so join the message boards today.  It's easy and fun.  



Most Popular Item in the PIWTPITT Store:

Everyone loves a good list and everyone needs a good pad of paper to make a good list.  Apparently I'm not the only one who feels this way since the most popular item this week (again) was the People I Want to Punch in the Throat Notepad.  Perfect for grocery lists or PTO meetings.











Read Me Ad-FREE on Your Kindle:

Love PIWTPITT, but hate the ads?  Subscribe on your Kindle and enjoy all the punches without any distraction.  While you're there, why don't you leave a review for the blog?  Even if you don't subscribe, just come by and leave a funny review.  Something that includes the words "life changing" and/or "amazeballs" would be great.  It would make my day.  I actually got a few reviews!  Thank you!!!!

My Favorite Comments of the Week (and My Response if Necessary):  



Go on with your bad self! p.s. Are you going to change this site to PIWTSITT People I Want To Shoot In The Throat?? ;) on Lock & Load - Moms Night Out at the Gun Range



I think I'll stick to imaginary punches. 



I think I would have been huddled in the corner with my fingers plugging my ears singing, "I can't hear that. I don't see any guns. It will all be okay!!" So you are bad ass and a mofo...or however you say that stuff. on Lock & Load - Moms Night Out at the Gun Range



You're right not to want a gun for zombie purposes. A gunshot is like a dinner bell for them. Crossbows and swords all the way. on Lock & Load - Moms Night Out at the Gun Range



My husband has told me that if HE were the one to stay home ALL housework would be completed at ALL times because in any given week there is no WAY that all housework should take more than 4 hours . . . for the WEEK. That includes ALL housework. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, cooking, getting kids ready for stuff...EVERYTHING. Ass. Men. They are delusional most of the time. on What the Hubs Thought We'd Do All Day While the Kids are at School



I would say, "Challenge accepted, Hubs."  

  

always amazed when wives brag about not having sex with their husbands... amazing on What the Hubs Thought We'd Do All Day While the Kids are at School



I'm always amazed when men who can't read come on this blog and make asinine comments . . . amazing is right. 



Mrs. Foster, I am in a similar situation. 5'2", over 200 and pinning workout and fitness info while I sit on the couch at night. Aggghhh. Must stop it and get motivated. No more excuses. I think I'd be successful with a trainer (I like having someone besides me hold me accountable) but I really can't afford one. I'm going to follow PITPITT through this and try and get myself moving again. on The beginning of my transformation



WOOO HOOO!!! Just when I thought I couldn't love you any more, now you're really speaking my language!! I am so freaking proud of you, girl, no shit! I was one of the ones that commented on Kim's post with my weight (gasp!), it was tough, but motivating. I am so proud of you for putting this out there, accountability is a great motivator! I am trained by a trainer twice a week too, and I often want to cancel (I dread it sometimes), but I don't and then when I am done I feel AH-MAY-ZING! Which is ultimately why I don't cancel the next time. I am so excited for you to just get healthy, fuck that scale, just feel like a better you - FOR YOU! Love! Devan on The beginning of my transformation



Good luck! I started working with a trainer almost 2 years ago and it was the best health decision I ever made. A good trainer knows how to push you without having you lose your motivation. on The beginning of my transformation



Good for you! Please don't punch Kris in the throat... no matter what she want you to do. on The beginning of my transformation



 I turned 39 this year and I feel ... well, old. Not mentally --- but my body... it's like... OLD. And so I went to see a dietician today. And she said I had to eat better and work out. And I knew that, of course. I'm making my body old by not using it. But I haven't used it for so long that I'm kind of scared to start. You know? But then I saw that you started... and maybe I can start, too. I'm so glad I saw this. So, very, incredibly glad I saw this. on The beginning of my transformation



My workout clothes are so proud of your workout clothes! on The beginning of my transformation