Phoebe Fox's Blog - Posts Tagged "romance"
The Only Reason You Need to Know for Why Your Relationship Didn't Work Out
A friend of mine recently dumped a guy she was crazy about.
She made that hard decision partly because in the six months they'd been dating, she'd never gone to his house. Not once.
When she first told me this my antennae went up. "Seriously?" I said to her. "He's married. He has porn covering the walls. He operates a slave ring from his basement. He's a hoarder. I could go on."
Turns out it was none of my knee-jerk suspicions -- he and his roommates have a no-guests agreement, he finally explained when she pressed him.
Now, I used to share a very intimate railroad apartment in New York City with a friend, and we instigated no such rule, despite living in four minuscule rooms with -- and I'm not exaggerating here -- a bathroom the size of an airplane lavatory (and also located in the kitchen), with our beds about six feet apart separated only by a glass French door. In the four years we cohabited there, we managed to find ways to allow each other enough personal space to date because, you know... life. So this was another red flag for me.
Up until my friend finally called it off, she saw him twice a month -- even half a year in. "Essentially, I'm in a long-distance relationship with a guy who works a mile away from me," she'd told me. "I don't get it at all: why start dating someone who is looking for a relationship when you don't have any time to devote to it?"
The answer that first popped to mind was one I didn't want to say to her: Because being unavailable is his way of letting a woman know he's not interested in a relationship. At least not with her.
Like my girlfriend, I used to think that if I was totally honest with potential dates about what I was looking for -- a committed relationship -- I'd weed out the ones who were just in it for the minute.
But there are a couple of problems with that theory. First -- and buckle up, because I'm going to make a possibly unfair blanket statement here -- sometimes men aren't paying that much attention to what you say. After all, you went out with them, right? Sure, maybe you posted something or other in your online dating profile about a long-term committed blah-blah, but you said yes. You continued to say yes.
Men and women think a bit differently: Women listen to the words; men pay attention to the actions. How many men know perfectly well that a tight-lipped "I'm fine" from a woman means anything but? And how many women have dismissed our instincts that something is wrong in a relationship because a man assures us everything is A-OK and it's all in our heads?
My friend, as I mentioned, is an extremely smart woman. If she had judged her date on his actions, then she might have decided that a man who doesn't make much time for her and doesn't want her in his private space is -- to quote the brilliant and revelatory Liz Tuccillo and Greg Behrendt -- just not that into her. Or if he had judged her by her words, then he might have realized even before they connected online that she wanted something more than he did from the relationship.
But on the other hand... how could he know that until he went out with her?
Maybe he did think he was ready, and he wanted to see whether my friend was the right girl for him. There's every chance he simply didn't know he didn't want a relationship with her until he started to have one. In that light, maybe he was trying to be a good guy -- trying not to lead her on by letting things develop beyond what he was willing to offer.
Which of these reasons was the real one this guy kept her at such a remove? My girlfriend, I suspect, has been trying to puzzle it out even harder than I am -- and probably with just as little success. The fact is, she can't know for certain why things never moved forward with this man, even though when they were together, it felt exactly right. And I can't know either. In fact, there's only one person who can really know in this case -- and maybe not even him. She's looking for answers that in all likelihood she'll never get.
The bottom line is that you can't control any aspect of a relationship except what you put into it -- and what you are willing to accept from it. My friend wants to know why things went down the way they did, but she may never find out. What she does know is this: She didn't think her ex was at a place in his life where he was ready for a committed relationship, which is what she's looking for.
So she broke it off.
That takes guts. And it takes faith -- the faith to know that what you want is out there for you, and you deserve it. And that if you open up a space for it -- by letting go of relationships that aren't serving that goal -- you just might get it.
She made that hard decision partly because in the six months they'd been dating, she'd never gone to his house. Not once.
When she first told me this my antennae went up. "Seriously?" I said to her. "He's married. He has porn covering the walls. He operates a slave ring from his basement. He's a hoarder. I could go on."
Turns out it was none of my knee-jerk suspicions -- he and his roommates have a no-guests agreement, he finally explained when she pressed him.
Now, I used to share a very intimate railroad apartment in New York City with a friend, and we instigated no such rule, despite living in four minuscule rooms with -- and I'm not exaggerating here -- a bathroom the size of an airplane lavatory (and also located in the kitchen), with our beds about six feet apart separated only by a glass French door. In the four years we cohabited there, we managed to find ways to allow each other enough personal space to date because, you know... life. So this was another red flag for me.
Up until my friend finally called it off, she saw him twice a month -- even half a year in. "Essentially, I'm in a long-distance relationship with a guy who works a mile away from me," she'd told me. "I don't get it at all: why start dating someone who is looking for a relationship when you don't have any time to devote to it?"
The answer that first popped to mind was one I didn't want to say to her: Because being unavailable is his way of letting a woman know he's not interested in a relationship. At least not with her.
Like my girlfriend, I used to think that if I was totally honest with potential dates about what I was looking for -- a committed relationship -- I'd weed out the ones who were just in it for the minute.
But there are a couple of problems with that theory. First -- and buckle up, because I'm going to make a possibly unfair blanket statement here -- sometimes men aren't paying that much attention to what you say. After all, you went out with them, right? Sure, maybe you posted something or other in your online dating profile about a long-term committed blah-blah, but you said yes. You continued to say yes.
Men and women think a bit differently: Women listen to the words; men pay attention to the actions. How many men know perfectly well that a tight-lipped "I'm fine" from a woman means anything but? And how many women have dismissed our instincts that something is wrong in a relationship because a man assures us everything is A-OK and it's all in our heads?
My friend, as I mentioned, is an extremely smart woman. If she had judged her date on his actions, then she might have decided that a man who doesn't make much time for her and doesn't want her in his private space is -- to quote the brilliant and revelatory Liz Tuccillo and Greg Behrendt -- just not that into her. Or if he had judged her by her words, then he might have realized even before they connected online that she wanted something more than he did from the relationship.
But on the other hand... how could he know that until he went out with her?
Maybe he did think he was ready, and he wanted to see whether my friend was the right girl for him. There's every chance he simply didn't know he didn't want a relationship with her until he started to have one. In that light, maybe he was trying to be a good guy -- trying not to lead her on by letting things develop beyond what he was willing to offer.
Which of these reasons was the real one this guy kept her at such a remove? My girlfriend, I suspect, has been trying to puzzle it out even harder than I am -- and probably with just as little success. The fact is, she can't know for certain why things never moved forward with this man, even though when they were together, it felt exactly right. And I can't know either. In fact, there's only one person who can really know in this case -- and maybe not even him. She's looking for answers that in all likelihood she'll never get.
The bottom line is that you can't control any aspect of a relationship except what you put into it -- and what you are willing to accept from it. My friend wants to know why things went down the way they did, but she may never find out. What she does know is this: She didn't think her ex was at a place in his life where he was ready for a committed relationship, which is what she's looking for.
So she broke it off.
That takes guts. And it takes faith -- the faith to know that what you want is out there for you, and you deserve it. And that if you open up a space for it -- by letting go of relationships that aren't serving that goal -- you just might get it.
5 Ironclad Rules for Getting Through Your Breakup
A woman I know well -- we'll call her my sister -- took three years to break up with her boyfriend.
She knew it had to happen; they fought all the time, he didn't treat her the way she wanted to be treated and he didn't get along with her kids. But still, they put themselves through years of unnecessary pain, unwilling or unable to step away.
That's the horrific thing about breakups -- often nothing's black-and-white. When our hearts are well and truly given, they can fight hard against ending a relationship that our brains may insist isn't good for us. And even if we're not deeply in love, it can be hard to walk away from something, however imperfect, when loneliness is the other option.
If you're beginning to realize the relationship you're in is headed for a dead end, here are a few guideposts to help get you through the worst of it.
1. If the ship is sailing without you, don't jump off the dock and try to swim after it.
Has your partner checked out of the relationship? Pay attention to the subtle signs and gut feelings that tell you when that's happening -- and reevaluate your willingness to fight to hold on to someone who's clearly letting go of you. Sometimes all you have left is your dignity. Hang on to it.
2. If you know an amputation is required, chop, don't saw.
Whether your partner is instigating things or you are, if you know a breakup is imminent, don't draw it out -- end it. A relationship that's mortally wounded can either end cleanly, directly and as kindly as possible... or it can limp along, growing ever more diseased, until the festering wound threatens to destroy every good memory, along with your self-esteem and peace of mind. Either way, the diseased limb has to come off. Make it quick and let the healing start.
3. Once the Coke machine starts to tip, just get out of the way.
Repeated breaking up and making up is a sign that a relationship is in for a crash. The more times things tip out of balance, the more you chisel away at a steady foundation -- and your mental health. If the Coke machine is rocking, it's going over -- don't stand close enough to get crushed.
4. If you're a crack addict, stay away from the crack den.
There's a reason they call love a drug -- the feelings and physiological reactions love engenders in us have been proven to be almost identical to the reactions of addicts when exposed to (or in withdrawal from) their drug of choice. Once you finally break off a relationship with someone who is your Kryptonite, avoid them -- and all the places you know you'll see them, and even all the people who were part of your life with them. It doesn't have to be forever; just till you kick the habit. Luckily, unlike most addictions, the addictive draw wears off... eventually.
5. If you're out of ammunition, get out of the foxhole.
Don't expect to bounce right back after a major breakup -- even if you instigated it. Be kind to yourself, and give yourself time to heal from the pain and the anger and the disappointment of dashed hopes. (If you didn't think there was potential there, you wouldn't have stayed in the relationship in the first place, right?) Fresh off a heartbreak isn't the time to start a new relationship, make a huge lifestyle change or push yourself to "get back to normal" too quickly. You need time to retreat and reload.
Above all, be patient. There's nothing easy about a breakup -- the only way through it is through it. But when my sister finally ended her relationship, she told me she immediately felt lighter, like she'd had a pressing weight lifted off her. When you finally summon the strength to break out of the wrong relationship, you may be surprised by how liberating it can be.
Phoebe Fox is the author of the Breakup Doctor series from Henery Press; Bedside Manners, book two in the series, releases this week. You can find her at www.phoebefoxauthor.com, and have news and relationship advice delivered right to your in-box here. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook.
She knew it had to happen; they fought all the time, he didn't treat her the way she wanted to be treated and he didn't get along with her kids. But still, they put themselves through years of unnecessary pain, unwilling or unable to step away.
That's the horrific thing about breakups -- often nothing's black-and-white. When our hearts are well and truly given, they can fight hard against ending a relationship that our brains may insist isn't good for us. And even if we're not deeply in love, it can be hard to walk away from something, however imperfect, when loneliness is the other option.
If you're beginning to realize the relationship you're in is headed for a dead end, here are a few guideposts to help get you through the worst of it.
1. If the ship is sailing without you, don't jump off the dock and try to swim after it.
Has your partner checked out of the relationship? Pay attention to the subtle signs and gut feelings that tell you when that's happening -- and reevaluate your willingness to fight to hold on to someone who's clearly letting go of you. Sometimes all you have left is your dignity. Hang on to it.
2. If you know an amputation is required, chop, don't saw.
Whether your partner is instigating things or you are, if you know a breakup is imminent, don't draw it out -- end it. A relationship that's mortally wounded can either end cleanly, directly and as kindly as possible... or it can limp along, growing ever more diseased, until the festering wound threatens to destroy every good memory, along with your self-esteem and peace of mind. Either way, the diseased limb has to come off. Make it quick and let the healing start.
3. Once the Coke machine starts to tip, just get out of the way.
Repeated breaking up and making up is a sign that a relationship is in for a crash. The more times things tip out of balance, the more you chisel away at a steady foundation -- and your mental health. If the Coke machine is rocking, it's going over -- don't stand close enough to get crushed.
4. If you're a crack addict, stay away from the crack den.
There's a reason they call love a drug -- the feelings and physiological reactions love engenders in us have been proven to be almost identical to the reactions of addicts when exposed to (or in withdrawal from) their drug of choice. Once you finally break off a relationship with someone who is your Kryptonite, avoid them -- and all the places you know you'll see them, and even all the people who were part of your life with them. It doesn't have to be forever; just till you kick the habit. Luckily, unlike most addictions, the addictive draw wears off... eventually.
5. If you're out of ammunition, get out of the foxhole.
Don't expect to bounce right back after a major breakup -- even if you instigated it. Be kind to yourself, and give yourself time to heal from the pain and the anger and the disappointment of dashed hopes. (If you didn't think there was potential there, you wouldn't have stayed in the relationship in the first place, right?) Fresh off a heartbreak isn't the time to start a new relationship, make a huge lifestyle change or push yourself to "get back to normal" too quickly. You need time to retreat and reload.
Above all, be patient. There's nothing easy about a breakup -- the only way through it is through it. But when my sister finally ended her relationship, she told me she immediately felt lighter, like she'd had a pressing weight lifted off her. When you finally summon the strength to break out of the wrong relationship, you may be surprised by how liberating it can be.
Phoebe Fox is the author of the Breakup Doctor series from Henery Press; Bedside Manners, book two in the series, releases this week. You can find her at www.phoebefoxauthor.com, and have news and relationship advice delivered right to your in-box here. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook.
6 Relationship Deal Breakers, and How to Decide Which Ones Really Sink the Ship
The first time one of my best friends slept with a new guy she was nuts for, she said that when the lights went off and he got his junk close enough for her to get hold of, she had to stop herself from blurting, “No, thanks, I don’t smoke.” Turned out his minuscule member was a deal breaker for her—she just couldn’t handle it (pun unavoidable).
Not all deal breakers are so cut-and-dried, and often it depends on the person—not just the person you’re dating, but also how insurmountable an issue the potential deal breaker is for you. Here are six common deal breaker categories, and how to figure out whether they’re nonnegotiables in your relationship.
• Physical turn-offs: These aren’t always major issues like the above-mentioned wee willy; another friend of mine categorically ruled a guy out over his feet (she wasn’t weird about feet, just found them attractive—and his gnarly toes and peeling soles creeped her out).
I once broke up with a guy after he informed me that his family’s teeth “went south on them” and dentures were in his immediate future. Color me shallow—you have to have teeth. Is the problem something that can be fixed? (Sorry, fake teeth don’t count with me.) If not, is it something you can get over and even learn to find adorable? (Watching him take his dentures out every night and looking at his naked gums? Nope.) Two “no” answers here mean you’re probably looking at a real deal breaker.
• Major behavioral turn-offs: Is he a chintzy tipper? Does he smack-talk his exes, his friends, his family? Is his laugh like the sound souls make when they’re sucked into the bowels of hell? Does he flirt with anything with a uterus, even if you’re right next to him? Sure, you could probably address some of these issues (e.g., “Let’s just enjoy this stand-up comedian in silence”), but are you looking for a prospect or a project?
And some of these behaviors say something deeper about someone—a person who bad-mouths alleged friends behind their backs is revealing something about her loyalty and sincerity. And you can bet a guy who can’t stop bashing his ex still has some pretty strong feelings for her.
• Lifestyle turn-offs: I used to think drug use was a deal breaker for me, until I fell for a guy who enjoyed the occasional doob. I figured it was something I could live with after all—till I found the enormous tub of weed stashed in the back of his fridge. Turned out he liked to sell it even more than smoke it. For me, drug dealer = deal breaker. For some their nonnegotiable is smoking; or alcohol or drug use (or abuse…or as in my case, trafficking). For some it’s sexual habits—a woman I know was approached by her husband several years into the marriage about whether she’d consider an open relationship. Though her initial reaction was a categorical no, he persuaded her to try it, and now they happily share the love.
Only you know what you can handle and what you’ll never be able to get past. If someone is dedicated to lifestyle choices you know are firm deal breakers for you, don’t even try to overcome them; just cut your losses.
• Core traits: In my shallow youth I went out with a man so beautiful that I regularly wanted to go places where we might be photographed together, just so everyone could see this beefcake on my arm. He was also sweet, gentle, and kind—but unfortunately dumb as a bag of hair. As much as I genuinely liked him (and liked looking at him), ultimately I knew things were going nowhere, because one of my ironclad deal breakers is intelligence.
Core personality traits—humor, sincerity, ideology, energy level, introvert/extrovert, laziness, negativity, etc.—can’t really be changed. If you’re contemplating a relationship with someone whose political leanings make you stabby, consider how it will feel after ten, twenty, or fifty years. The courtship phase is when everything is seen through candy-colored glasses. Clashing core values are never going to seem more charming as time goes on.
• Cheating: This one gets a category all its own, because it’s the biggest dividing line of deal breakers. Some women (and men) can forgive, even if they don’t forget (a certain presidential candidate—or twelve—comes to mind). For others, there’s no going back (as Robin Thicke will sorrowfully tell you). This is one you can’t really know till it happens to you—but if you’re dating someone who’s in another relationship, remember the wise words of my mother: If he’ll cheat with you, he’ll probably cheat on you. If you already know you’re dating someone with fidelity issues, is it really worth taking the chance that it’s a one-off?
• Abuse: Abuse of any sort—physical, emotional—is a deal breaker. It’s not always easy to get out of an abusive relationship, but if you’re in one, or are getting into one with someone who’s showing the warning signs [http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/...], get wise, get help—but get out.
Have you ever overcome a deal breaker—or tried and failed? What are your nonegotiable deal breakers?
Not all deal breakers are so cut-and-dried, and often it depends on the person—not just the person you’re dating, but also how insurmountable an issue the potential deal breaker is for you. Here are six common deal breaker categories, and how to figure out whether they’re nonnegotiables in your relationship.
• Physical turn-offs: These aren’t always major issues like the above-mentioned wee willy; another friend of mine categorically ruled a guy out over his feet (she wasn’t weird about feet, just found them attractive—and his gnarly toes and peeling soles creeped her out).
I once broke up with a guy after he informed me that his family’s teeth “went south on them” and dentures were in his immediate future. Color me shallow—you have to have teeth. Is the problem something that can be fixed? (Sorry, fake teeth don’t count with me.) If not, is it something you can get over and even learn to find adorable? (Watching him take his dentures out every night and looking at his naked gums? Nope.) Two “no” answers here mean you’re probably looking at a real deal breaker.
• Major behavioral turn-offs: Is he a chintzy tipper? Does he smack-talk his exes, his friends, his family? Is his laugh like the sound souls make when they’re sucked into the bowels of hell? Does he flirt with anything with a uterus, even if you’re right next to him? Sure, you could probably address some of these issues (e.g., “Let’s just enjoy this stand-up comedian in silence”), but are you looking for a prospect or a project?
And some of these behaviors say something deeper about someone—a person who bad-mouths alleged friends behind their backs is revealing something about her loyalty and sincerity. And you can bet a guy who can’t stop bashing his ex still has some pretty strong feelings for her.
• Lifestyle turn-offs: I used to think drug use was a deal breaker for me, until I fell for a guy who enjoyed the occasional doob. I figured it was something I could live with after all—till I found the enormous tub of weed stashed in the back of his fridge. Turned out he liked to sell it even more than smoke it. For me, drug dealer = deal breaker. For some their nonnegotiable is smoking; or alcohol or drug use (or abuse…or as in my case, trafficking). For some it’s sexual habits—a woman I know was approached by her husband several years into the marriage about whether she’d consider an open relationship. Though her initial reaction was a categorical no, he persuaded her to try it, and now they happily share the love.
Only you know what you can handle and what you’ll never be able to get past. If someone is dedicated to lifestyle choices you know are firm deal breakers for you, don’t even try to overcome them; just cut your losses.
• Core traits: In my shallow youth I went out with a man so beautiful that I regularly wanted to go places where we might be photographed together, just so everyone could see this beefcake on my arm. He was also sweet, gentle, and kind—but unfortunately dumb as a bag of hair. As much as I genuinely liked him (and liked looking at him), ultimately I knew things were going nowhere, because one of my ironclad deal breakers is intelligence.
Core personality traits—humor, sincerity, ideology, energy level, introvert/extrovert, laziness, negativity, etc.—can’t really be changed. If you’re contemplating a relationship with someone whose political leanings make you stabby, consider how it will feel after ten, twenty, or fifty years. The courtship phase is when everything is seen through candy-colored glasses. Clashing core values are never going to seem more charming as time goes on.
• Cheating: This one gets a category all its own, because it’s the biggest dividing line of deal breakers. Some women (and men) can forgive, even if they don’t forget (a certain presidential candidate—or twelve—comes to mind). For others, there’s no going back (as Robin Thicke will sorrowfully tell you). This is one you can’t really know till it happens to you—but if you’re dating someone who’s in another relationship, remember the wise words of my mother: If he’ll cheat with you, he’ll probably cheat on you. If you already know you’re dating someone with fidelity issues, is it really worth taking the chance that it’s a one-off?
• Abuse: Abuse of any sort—physical, emotional—is a deal breaker. It’s not always easy to get out of an abusive relationship, but if you’re in one, or are getting into one with someone who’s showing the warning signs [http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/...], get wise, get help—but get out.
Have you ever overcome a deal breaker—or tried and failed? What are your nonegotiable deal breakers?
6 Times Women Say No When We Should Say Yes
1. "Do we really have to label this?"
This question is often asked in a way that makes us feel as if we're needy or clingy for wanting to define a relationship. Even early in, a woman (or a man) has a right to know what the other person is intending; are you dating, with an eye to a possible future? Is it friends with benefits? Just sex?
Often men pose this question when they are very much enjoying having sex with you, but aren't interested in anything beyond that. And unless you're into the no-strings-attached approach (and if you are, proudly fly that flag), the answer is yes, you do have to label it. Not because women are "crazy" or "needy" or "desperate," but because we value ourselves and want to be with someone who also values us. Not just someone who thinks we're good enough to hang out or hook up with; of course we're good enough for that, we're sexy and awesome, but someone who enjoys our mind, our company, who is interested in things about us that occur above our torso. Someone who offers us more than his penis, and wants more from us than a place to put it.
"Labeling" doesn't mean you're asking someone to state his long-term intentions for the two of you on the first date. It means you want to know whether you're on the same page, and you have a right to know that from date one. But it doesn't have to be an overt statement. Men make their intentions clearly known in how they treat you; a guy who sets up a date and takes you out to dinner, to see a show, hiking, etc., is sending a very different message about his feelings for you and his intentions than when he texts you at nine on a Friday to see if you want to come hang out at his place after work. Our job is to know what we want, see what we're being offered and give out a tacit yes or no in how we respond.
So "do we really have to label this?" Yes. If you know your own mind, what you're looking for and how you want to be treated, we do.
2. "Can I do that for you?"
My husband is always offering to carry my luggage when he takes me to the airport. He takes heavy packages from my hands, and invariably meets me at the car when I come home from grocery shopping to carry in the bags. I lived alone for a long time, with my own house and no one else to rely on for these tasks. I learned to be self sufficient, and I'm proud of that, so much so that when we first got together I'd wave him off: "I've got it." I was so concerned with showing him that I could do things for myself, that I was strong and independent and not helpless, that I completely overlooked the fact that he gets pleasure from helping me, not because he thinks I can't do things on my own, but because he feels it makes my life nicer if I don't have to. It's one of the everyday, non-overtly-romantic ways he shows me that he loves me.
Sometimes this can be perceived as a feminist gray area. Women have fought hard for the right to do for ourselves. But letting a man lift weight off our shoulders isn't compromising that; it's simply allowing a fellow human being to make our lives easier. More important, it's letting someone show you that he cares about you, to feel he's of value to you.
Most men don't hold the door for us because they think we can't handle the task. It's a sign of respect. If you're lucky enough to find a secure man to offer that, why not accept it?
3. "Do you mind?"
This question can be a genuine, polite query as to whether you're OK with a certain behavior or action, or it can be a wheedling passive-aggressive way to push the line of what a woman will accept. And it can apply anywhere, at home, at work, on a date:
"I'm going to meet the guys for golf again this weekend while you take care of the kids; do you mind?"
"Do you mind grabbing me a cup of coffee/finishing this project for me/working overtime or taking on more work?"
"Mind if I come inside?" at the end of a date, or, as happened to me on one lunch date literally four times, "Mind if I take this call? It's business."
It's almost an autonomic response to agreeably reply, "Of course not." But take a moment to consider whether you in fact do mind whatever's being asked of you, and be honest. As I finally did on my lunch date's fifth "excuse me" to answer his cell phone... at which point I got up and left.
4. "Why don't I treat?"
There are times when it's important to pick up at least your part of the tab: if you want to send the message that this isn't a date, if you don't intend to go out with a guy again, if you're meeting for the first time. And equitable sharing of the dating bills can be a lovely thing, but if a man insists that he'd like to pick up the tab, why not let him? Whether we want to believe in the idea of genetic programming or not, the truth is that men are hard-wired as providers.
I'm a feminist to my core, but it doesn't compromise our independence, competence or autonomy to let a man treat us. And as with insisting on getting our own doors, fighting too hard to pay our half robs a man of the pleasure of providing for a woman he is interested in or cares about.
But here's a nonnegotiable: That doesn't obligate us to anything, in any way, whether a man thinks it does or not.
5. "Want to try this?"
Maybe it's something as innocuous as a bite of his pigeon ravioli at a gastropub; maybe it's spreading yourselves with Crisco, slapping on a diaper and heading to a key party. Only you know what's way out of your comfort zone, but one of the wonderful things about a relationship is that it helps us stretch and grow. Unless you recoil from something on a truly elemental, constitutional level, why not try something new?
6. "Are you going to finish that?"
I have a girlfriend who literally allows herself six jellybeans at one sitting. Six. She counts those suckers out.
Too often women deny themselves, whether out of fear of gaining weight, or losing control, or appearing unfeminine or just making a pig of ourselves. (Trust me, you do not want to see me eat a Fat Queen pizza at the famous Pieous in Austin, Texas; it's like a school of piranha on a side of beef.) "Oh, no, no," we demur. "I couldn’t possibly."
But by always monitoring what we eat, we take the pleasure out of one of life's great aesthetic joys, good food. And the truth is, there's nothing unsexy about enjoying our food; frankly a lot of guys appreciate a girl who's comfortable with her body and enjoys eating. (Perhaps they are simply drawing their own lascivious conclusions from watching us tear voraciously into a meal, but that's no concern of ours.) Don't be ashamed of having a healthy appetite, and don't feel you have to order a salad or nibble daintily at your food. Eat it, girl! "Yes, I'm going to eat all of this (and no, you can't have my fries)."
For the flip side of this coin, read "10 Times Women Say Yes When They Should Say No" on HuffingtonPost.
This question is often asked in a way that makes us feel as if we're needy or clingy for wanting to define a relationship. Even early in, a woman (or a man) has a right to know what the other person is intending; are you dating, with an eye to a possible future? Is it friends with benefits? Just sex?
Often men pose this question when they are very much enjoying having sex with you, but aren't interested in anything beyond that. And unless you're into the no-strings-attached approach (and if you are, proudly fly that flag), the answer is yes, you do have to label it. Not because women are "crazy" or "needy" or "desperate," but because we value ourselves and want to be with someone who also values us. Not just someone who thinks we're good enough to hang out or hook up with; of course we're good enough for that, we're sexy and awesome, but someone who enjoys our mind, our company, who is interested in things about us that occur above our torso. Someone who offers us more than his penis, and wants more from us than a place to put it.
"Labeling" doesn't mean you're asking someone to state his long-term intentions for the two of you on the first date. It means you want to know whether you're on the same page, and you have a right to know that from date one. But it doesn't have to be an overt statement. Men make their intentions clearly known in how they treat you; a guy who sets up a date and takes you out to dinner, to see a show, hiking, etc., is sending a very different message about his feelings for you and his intentions than when he texts you at nine on a Friday to see if you want to come hang out at his place after work. Our job is to know what we want, see what we're being offered and give out a tacit yes or no in how we respond.
So "do we really have to label this?" Yes. If you know your own mind, what you're looking for and how you want to be treated, we do.
2. "Can I do that for you?"
My husband is always offering to carry my luggage when he takes me to the airport. He takes heavy packages from my hands, and invariably meets me at the car when I come home from grocery shopping to carry in the bags. I lived alone for a long time, with my own house and no one else to rely on for these tasks. I learned to be self sufficient, and I'm proud of that, so much so that when we first got together I'd wave him off: "I've got it." I was so concerned with showing him that I could do things for myself, that I was strong and independent and not helpless, that I completely overlooked the fact that he gets pleasure from helping me, not because he thinks I can't do things on my own, but because he feels it makes my life nicer if I don't have to. It's one of the everyday, non-overtly-romantic ways he shows me that he loves me.
Sometimes this can be perceived as a feminist gray area. Women have fought hard for the right to do for ourselves. But letting a man lift weight off our shoulders isn't compromising that; it's simply allowing a fellow human being to make our lives easier. More important, it's letting someone show you that he cares about you, to feel he's of value to you.
Most men don't hold the door for us because they think we can't handle the task. It's a sign of respect. If you're lucky enough to find a secure man to offer that, why not accept it?
3. "Do you mind?"
This question can be a genuine, polite query as to whether you're OK with a certain behavior or action, or it can be a wheedling passive-aggressive way to push the line of what a woman will accept. And it can apply anywhere, at home, at work, on a date:
"I'm going to meet the guys for golf again this weekend while you take care of the kids; do you mind?"
"Do you mind grabbing me a cup of coffee/finishing this project for me/working overtime or taking on more work?"
"Mind if I come inside?" at the end of a date, or, as happened to me on one lunch date literally four times, "Mind if I take this call? It's business."
It's almost an autonomic response to agreeably reply, "Of course not." But take a moment to consider whether you in fact do mind whatever's being asked of you, and be honest. As I finally did on my lunch date's fifth "excuse me" to answer his cell phone... at which point I got up and left.
4. "Why don't I treat?"
There are times when it's important to pick up at least your part of the tab: if you want to send the message that this isn't a date, if you don't intend to go out with a guy again, if you're meeting for the first time. And equitable sharing of the dating bills can be a lovely thing, but if a man insists that he'd like to pick up the tab, why not let him? Whether we want to believe in the idea of genetic programming or not, the truth is that men are hard-wired as providers.
I'm a feminist to my core, but it doesn't compromise our independence, competence or autonomy to let a man treat us. And as with insisting on getting our own doors, fighting too hard to pay our half robs a man of the pleasure of providing for a woman he is interested in or cares about.
But here's a nonnegotiable: That doesn't obligate us to anything, in any way, whether a man thinks it does or not.
5. "Want to try this?"
Maybe it's something as innocuous as a bite of his pigeon ravioli at a gastropub; maybe it's spreading yourselves with Crisco, slapping on a diaper and heading to a key party. Only you know what's way out of your comfort zone, but one of the wonderful things about a relationship is that it helps us stretch and grow. Unless you recoil from something on a truly elemental, constitutional level, why not try something new?
6. "Are you going to finish that?"
I have a girlfriend who literally allows herself six jellybeans at one sitting. Six. She counts those suckers out.
Too often women deny themselves, whether out of fear of gaining weight, or losing control, or appearing unfeminine or just making a pig of ourselves. (Trust me, you do not want to see me eat a Fat Queen pizza at the famous Pieous in Austin, Texas; it's like a school of piranha on a side of beef.) "Oh, no, no," we demur. "I couldn’t possibly."
But by always monitoring what we eat, we take the pleasure out of one of life's great aesthetic joys, good food. And the truth is, there's nothing unsexy about enjoying our food; frankly a lot of guys appreciate a girl who's comfortable with her body and enjoys eating. (Perhaps they are simply drawing their own lascivious conclusions from watching us tear voraciously into a meal, but that's no concern of ours.) Don't be ashamed of having a healthy appetite, and don't feel you have to order a salad or nibble daintily at your food. Eat it, girl! "Yes, I'm going to eat all of this (and no, you can't have my fries)."
For the flip side of this coin, read "10 Times Women Say Yes When They Should Say No" on HuffingtonPost.
How to Break Up with a Really Nice Guy
A friend of mine has a go-to strategy for breaking up with someone who's not a bad person, just not the person for her: baked goods. On the day she's calling it quits with a man, she spends hours in the kitchen whipping up the treats he loves the most. "I think it's much sweeter to break up with their favorite," she says. "They can think of me with every single bite."
While her approach may literally offer the spoonful of sugar that makes the bitter pill of a breakup easier to swallow, it's not always practical--or desirable--to show up with a platter of the scratch-made macaroons that his mama always made to show she loved him, just as you're breaking the news of how much you don't.
Even though calling things off with a decent person who hasn't done you wrong can be exponentially harder than the dramatic dumping of a dirty rotten scoundrel, there are things you can do to ease the blow and make things a little less painful--for both of you.
How to Stage It
First, remember that a nice man who has treated you well deserves and has earned your respect and consideration, which is why you must offer him the courtesy of a face-to-face. No fair taking the coward's way out with e-mail, texts, social media, or even a phone call. You're the one who's going to break his heart (or at least wound his ego), so step up and offer him the courtesy and common decency of doing it in person.
Give him a "signal" of what's coming with the universal indicator that the ax is about to fall: "Can we talk?" Yes, it tips your hand, but it at least lets him know where things are headed so he's not blindsided, and can gird his metaphorical loins.
And do not punk out, as one friend of mine tried to do, by staging the event in a public place to avoid a scene. (EXCEPTION: If you have any reason at all to believe he may turn violent, then absolutely stay in a public place.) Just as you would want to be somewhere safe and private for the emotional meltdown that can follow an unanticipated dumping, give him the courtesy of dropping the hammer somewhere private and comfortable. It's a cheap trick to break up in a crowd or somewhere like a parking lot (as my friend proposed doing), and offers no solace or privacy to the dumpee.
One note: This place should not be your home, car, workplace, or any other location where you have to stay and are counting on him to leave. As you'll see below, a strategic exit is key in this sort of breakup.
What to Say
"You are a wonderful guy and there's so much about dating you that I enjoy. But..." (insert appropriate tactfully euphemistic reason here):
"...we want different things" (he wants to keep having sex with you, and the idea is starting to make you shudder)
"...we just aren't in the same place" (he's ready to get married, and you know he is. Not. The one.)
"...we don't have enough in common long-term" (you are in law school, and he's sparking up doobs on the sofa between bar shifts)
...etc.
Whatever the real reason, candycoat it. Nothing is to be gained by pointing fingers at this stage, and any specifics you offer only give him fodder to promise to change if only you'll give things another chance.
Finish it up gently, but definitively: "As difficult as it is, I realize that a future isn't in the cards for the two of us, and it's better to end things now, before it's harder on both of us to do it down the line."
Things to Avoid Saying at All Costs:
1. Telling him any specifics about what's wrong with him.
2. Putting it on him--"You're not happy" or "You deserve more" etc. That only gives him the opportunity to convince you it's okay with him, and there's no need to break up over it.
3. Anything open-ended or hopeful--"We'll talk more later," or "I still want you in my life," etc. If you have to chop off a leg, it's kinder to cut than saw.
How to Exit Stage Left
Say your piece (keep it relatively brief--literally like five minutes), and be sure to hear him out if he has things to say (remember he deserves that respect), but when it starts to go in circles or things get too heated or he's begging you to reconsider, it's time to go. Kindly tell him that this is exactly the reason you made this hard decision--because the differences in what you want mean you are constantly hurting someone you care about--and that it's best if you leave now. It's hard to do that without adding something mitigating ("But I'll call you," "But we can talk later," "But I do love you," etc.), but do it--just say you're going to go. It's kinder than dragging things out or offering any false hope.
Note: If you're at his place and things aren't too horrific, take time to quickly gather your things. It's so much easier to break off clean rather than having to rip off the scab before it's had a chance to heal by coming back for them later.
The Aftermath
In the immediate aftermath, DO NOT call him. DO NOT answer when he calls and have lengthy discussions about the breakup or your relationship or how he's coping. Give your phone to a friend if you must. These rules also apply to texting and email and Facebook posts and tweets and Instagrams and the day you see his profile back up on the online dating site where you met. None of that, now.
DO NOT mitigate with "I love you's" or "One day we can be friends." Maybe you can be pals once the hurt dies down, but saying it too soon offers him false hope, and that's cruel. Sever the limb cleanly. It seems awful at first, but it's the kindest and most humane way.
These types of breakup are the worst. You will feel like dirt. Call a friend afterward and have some wine and calm down, and I promise, within a few days that awful feeling will lessen and you'll begin to feel relieved to have ended a relationship you knew wasn't going anywhere--and to have done it as kindly and respectfully as a nice guy deserves.
Good luck.
While her approach may literally offer the spoonful of sugar that makes the bitter pill of a breakup easier to swallow, it's not always practical--or desirable--to show up with a platter of the scratch-made macaroons that his mama always made to show she loved him, just as you're breaking the news of how much you don't.
Even though calling things off with a decent person who hasn't done you wrong can be exponentially harder than the dramatic dumping of a dirty rotten scoundrel, there are things you can do to ease the blow and make things a little less painful--for both of you.
How to Stage It
First, remember that a nice man who has treated you well deserves and has earned your respect and consideration, which is why you must offer him the courtesy of a face-to-face. No fair taking the coward's way out with e-mail, texts, social media, or even a phone call. You're the one who's going to break his heart (or at least wound his ego), so step up and offer him the courtesy and common decency of doing it in person.
Give him a "signal" of what's coming with the universal indicator that the ax is about to fall: "Can we talk?" Yes, it tips your hand, but it at least lets him know where things are headed so he's not blindsided, and can gird his metaphorical loins.
And do not punk out, as one friend of mine tried to do, by staging the event in a public place to avoid a scene. (EXCEPTION: If you have any reason at all to believe he may turn violent, then absolutely stay in a public place.) Just as you would want to be somewhere safe and private for the emotional meltdown that can follow an unanticipated dumping, give him the courtesy of dropping the hammer somewhere private and comfortable. It's a cheap trick to break up in a crowd or somewhere like a parking lot (as my friend proposed doing), and offers no solace or privacy to the dumpee.
One note: This place should not be your home, car, workplace, or any other location where you have to stay and are counting on him to leave. As you'll see below, a strategic exit is key in this sort of breakup.
What to Say
"You are a wonderful guy and there's so much about dating you that I enjoy. But..." (insert appropriate tactfully euphemistic reason here):
"...we want different things" (he wants to keep having sex with you, and the idea is starting to make you shudder)
"...we just aren't in the same place" (he's ready to get married, and you know he is. Not. The one.)
"...we don't have enough in common long-term" (you are in law school, and he's sparking up doobs on the sofa between bar shifts)
...etc.
Whatever the real reason, candycoat it. Nothing is to be gained by pointing fingers at this stage, and any specifics you offer only give him fodder to promise to change if only you'll give things another chance.
Finish it up gently, but definitively: "As difficult as it is, I realize that a future isn't in the cards for the two of us, and it's better to end things now, before it's harder on both of us to do it down the line."
Things to Avoid Saying at All Costs:
1. Telling him any specifics about what's wrong with him.
2. Putting it on him--"You're not happy" or "You deserve more" etc. That only gives him the opportunity to convince you it's okay with him, and there's no need to break up over it.
3. Anything open-ended or hopeful--"We'll talk more later," or "I still want you in my life," etc. If you have to chop off a leg, it's kinder to cut than saw.
How to Exit Stage Left
Say your piece (keep it relatively brief--literally like five minutes), and be sure to hear him out if he has things to say (remember he deserves that respect), but when it starts to go in circles or things get too heated or he's begging you to reconsider, it's time to go. Kindly tell him that this is exactly the reason you made this hard decision--because the differences in what you want mean you are constantly hurting someone you care about--and that it's best if you leave now. It's hard to do that without adding something mitigating ("But I'll call you," "But we can talk later," "But I do love you," etc.), but do it--just say you're going to go. It's kinder than dragging things out or offering any false hope.
Note: If you're at his place and things aren't too horrific, take time to quickly gather your things. It's so much easier to break off clean rather than having to rip off the scab before it's had a chance to heal by coming back for them later.
The Aftermath
In the immediate aftermath, DO NOT call him. DO NOT answer when he calls and have lengthy discussions about the breakup or your relationship or how he's coping. Give your phone to a friend if you must. These rules also apply to texting and email and Facebook posts and tweets and Instagrams and the day you see his profile back up on the online dating site where you met. None of that, now.
DO NOT mitigate with "I love you's" or "One day we can be friends." Maybe you can be pals once the hurt dies down, but saying it too soon offers him false hope, and that's cruel. Sever the limb cleanly. It seems awful at first, but it's the kindest and most humane way.
These types of breakup are the worst. You will feel like dirt. Call a friend afterward and have some wine and calm down, and I promise, within a few days that awful feeling will lessen and you'll begin to feel relieved to have ended a relationship you knew wasn't going anywhere--and to have done it as kindly and respectfully as a nice guy deserves.
Good luck.
