K. Alex Walker's Blog, page 9

Mature (18+) Audiences. Contains bad words and sex-y scenarios.

Coincidence and Fate

Joel tugged twice on the trigger of the pistol in his hand. The first bullet missed its target and the second landed, but it was way off center. They were two easy shots, shots he normally would have made, but this whole Theo business drove him mad. This was the first time he’d ever seen Theo like this. Then to find out that the kids at school didn’t want to be his friend? 

Theo?

His Theo? 

It was a feeling he knew all too well, having grown up branded as a troublemaker. It had taken years for his parents to realize he acted out because his words never looked right on the paper. They never looked the way his teacher had claimed and, when he stumbled over them, everyone laughed. 

Everyone who laughed, he’d punched.

He tried two more shots and missed both. 

For the last few hours, he’d been down in their “lair” under Gage’s house where they trained and worked out, trying to shoot, punch, and bench-press his way back to sanity. Whatever was going on with Theo, he hoped it was truly all in his imagination. If he found out someone had threatened his baby boy, he wouldn’t stop searching until not so much as a trace of their bloodline was left behind.

“What’s going on with you today, Lattimore?” Mike walked up behind him and studied the untouched targets, head cocked. “You’re way off. Is Theo getting worse?”

Joel set down the weapon. “Yeah. I think he’s regressing. He’s sucking his fingers, crying a lot more than usual, bedwetting, and he even asked Julien to pick him up the other night.”

Gage, Giorgio, and Dez entered the room.

“You should spend some time with him, one on one,” Mike suggested. “I remember how much fun I had spending time with my father when I was a kid. Whenever I felt scared, one afternoon with him and I’d be right again for a while. I’m already doing that with Mikey.”

“You, uh, think Theo sees me as a father figure?”

Mike shook his head. “Nope. I think he sees you as a father. His father. I know Curtis is tap-dancing in heaven knowing someone like you has his son in your heart.”

Joel diverted his gaze. In his mind, Curtis looked down at him from heaven waiting for the perfect moment to send a trident through his vertebrae. 

He didn’t know why it was a trident, but for God’s sake, he fantasized about having sex with the man’s wife. In the shower and several times alone at night, he’d more than fantasized. He’d imagined wonderful and disgusting things about Ayesha’s lips. If they ever got to the point of making love, the minute he slipped off her panties, a three-pronged spear would magically lodge itself in his spine.

Giorgio looked up from wrapping his hands. “Lattimore, lastachka has asked me about this word, veeny. Is from Little Theo.”

No one knew what Giorgio’s nicknames meant, but he had one for nearly all of his “sisters” and a few for the kids. Xara had asked Dom, a native Russian speaker, and even he couldn’t figure out what hers, printisa, meant. The only one they knew for certain was Monroe’s—The Mouth. 

The girl could eat.

“In any of the languages you know, does it sound like anything familiar?” Joel asked.

“This is spelled, how?”

“I’m not sure. Theo said it in his sleep, and me and Eesh are trying to figure out if it’s a word or a name.”

“What is…” Giorgio squinted. “How has Little Theo used this word?”

“He said, ‘I won’t let you hurt my Mama, Veeny.’ Does it sound like anything to any of you guys?”

The men shook their heads.

“I do not know this word,” Giorgio said. “For me, it is like…what is word…alias. Da, nickname. This is first time Little Theo has said this?”

“As far as me and Eesh know.”

Dez walked over to a wall and retrieved a firearm. He’d been unusually quiet for the last few days, and no one wanted to broach the subject, hoping that nothing was going on between him and Larke. When Joel had announced his and Syd’s split because of her issue with their dangerous lifestyles, the rest of the guys started tossing out favors and presents like mercenary Santa Clauses, afraid their relationships were also headed toward doom. 

Dez chose a Ruger and took each target out, clean and precise, without a blink or breath. He spoke without looking up. “Apparently, some fuck from Larke’s past has been emailing her constantly, trying to get in contact with her.”

Joel’s ears perked up.

“It’s some guy named Nick who used to help her with IT stuff when she still worked as an AUSA,” Dez continued. “When she went private, he did computer work for her for free, and there’s no way he did some of the stuff she told me without expecting, at some point, something in return. She said he never propositioned her, but she knows exactly how to lie to stop me from going fucking crazy.” 

“Ayesha ran into an old,” Joel searched for a word, “fuck-buddy.” 

It was the exact opposite of the word he’d been looking for. He’d literally searched his mind and said exactly what he’d been trying not to say. But the man had touched her. It was one thing that he’d touched her whenever they’d done what they’d done in the past, but at the restaurant, he put his hands on her. 

All he’d been able to think about the next day was whether that brief touch had given the man flashbacks to being with her. On top of her. Inside her. 

It drove him crazy in the most primitive of ways.

“Fuck-buddy?” Mike asked. “Ayesha?”

“There’s no way.” Gage swiped his hand through the air. “Really? Our Ayesha?”

Joel studied his untouched targets. He wanted to protect Ayesha and their boys, but he couldn’t even hit a fake man in the heart. 

“It was a guy named Adrían.”

Dez looked up. “Adrían what?”

“I don’t know. She didn’t say.”

“Did you see him?” Dez shook his head. “Know what, never mind. Adrían Delgano is dead. I’m just…I know Larke is capable of taking care of herself. I know I don’t own her or run her life, but if a man so much as looks at her funny, I automatically want to hunt him and peel his scalp from his skull. I have to actively stop myself.”

They murmured their agreement.

Except for Giorgio.

“I do not understand this,” he said. “I do not think this with my Bez.”

They went silent…then doubled over, laughing. 

Giorgio had definitely gotten more talkative, stable, and even funny over the course of their brotherhood, but they were still pretty certain he was a high-functioning psychopath with a control switch. It was easier now for him to control his urges. However, once he snapped, the only thing they could do was hope not to get caught up in any sort of friendly fire situation. Joel had always been a firearms kind of man, but Giorgio’s influence made him develop a thing for blades and combat close enough to feel bones break and hear metal pierce flesh.

Mike and Giorgio went to practice in the octagon cage Gage had built in one part of the lair. Giorgio had been involved in MMA for some years and something, all of a sudden, had made Mike want to get into it. Since they didn’t feel comfortable just yet seeking out an MMA gym, Giorgio sparred with him. When Giorgio was busy or Mike didn’t feel like leaving the cage with as many bruises, Joel sparred with him since he’d spent several years fighting underground in DC.

While they’d known stepping back from the activity level of their lifestyles would have been a drastic mental change, the need for physical contact, combat, weapons training, and anything that pushed the body to the brink, remained. They’d tried to plan a rock-climbing trip to Halmstad, but Xara overheard and nearly went into early labor because they’d been thinking about actual rock climbing, and she knew Mike didn’t always lean on the security of ropes and other climbing equipment. Instead, they found a rock-climbing gym and planned to revisit the outdoor option at a later date.

After Joel finished his workout, he headed above ground. The minute he cleared the living room, his phone went off. It was his fourth missed call from Ayesha.

“Eesh? Babe, you okay?”

“It’s not Mama. It’s me, Theo.”

“Hey, big guy.” He picked up on sniffling. “What’s wrong?”

“Can we come tonight?” Theo asked. “Do we really have to wait to move our beds and stuff? I don’t need my bed. I can sleep with you and Mama or in my sleeping bag.”

He and Ayesha had agreed that, because of school, they would wait to move at the end of the week. She also hadn’t had a chance to talk to Josiah yet since he’d been bogged down with schoolwork, and he was thinking about joining a few after-school activities, but they had no idea how to explain why he needed to wait. He was smart, but he was young. They were in a new place. There was no way to say, “we need to be careful because people might try to kill you,” without raising at least one alarm.

“You don’t think you can wait?” Joel asked.

“No, I have to come now. What if it’s just me? Mama and Josiah can come later, if they want.”

“Where’s your mama right now?”

“In Josiah’s room talking to him about you.”

Joel smiled. “I’m going to stop by my house to shower and change and then come over. How about that?”

“We have a shower and soap here. Plus, Mama buyed you a lot of clothes. Me and Josiah saw them.”

“She bought me clothes?” Some of the “things” she had of his had looked unfamiliar. “When?”

“All the time. Don’t go home. Please?”

Ayesha’s voice sounded in the background. “Theo, who are you talking to, baby?”

“Joel. Here.”

“Theo, wait, don’t throw—”

“Good catch, Mama!”

Ayesha, after a long sigh, greeted him. “Hi, Joel. Everything okay?”

“It was actually Theo who called me,” he said. “Hey, do you mind if I come straight there from working out? I’m sweaty and smelly, but I heard you have a shower and soap at your place, and that you have ‘buyed’ me a lot of clothes. Is this true?”

She groaned. “What’s next? Will Theo tell you where I keep the gold?”

“He did mention something about a treasure chest.” His heart warmed when she laughed. 

“Dang it. And I hid it so well. Yes, it’s fine. Did you eat?”

“I had breakfast and a pre-workout.”

“Okay. I’ll make you lunch. See you in a bit.”

A smile stretched, almost painfully, across his face. “Okay. I’m on my way.”

* * *

“You can come in, Ma.”

Ayesha stepped into the room, and Josiah looked up from his book. They’d had to send his book collection to Sweden as a separate shipment because of how many of them he’d amassed. He’d started reading when he was four, and there’d been no letting up since. Now, he was reading a book titled Legendborn she planned to read herself once he was finished with it. When he asked her to order it for him, he’d said it “looks interesting and the girl on the cover is kinda pretty.”

She was not prepared. The realization of romantic interest put him one step closer to his first possible broken heart.

“Hi, sweetie. You have a minute?”

“Sure.” He pushed up to sit. “Is something wrong?”

She sat near his feet on the mattress. “Nothing’s wrong. I just…I want to talk to you about something.”

“Is this about Joel?”

“It is.”

He switched positions so they were sitting side by side. “Are we finally moving in with him?”

“Finally?”

He grinned, and she saw his father’s face. 

“Even before Joel started spending more time with us than usual, I thought he was awesome,” he said. “He’s like, the comedian of the family, but he’s still really focused and determined and smart. Dad was like that. And when Joel and Aunt Syd had their divorce, I felt really bad, you know? I like them both, but I didn’t want Joel to be alone. It was confusing too because I couldn’t find anything not to like about him.”

She flung an arm around her son’s shoulder. “I do understand where you’re coming from with that, but I don’t think Sydney didn’t, or doesn’t, like him anymore. It’s just that, sometimes, two people who love each other can want completely different things. Sometimes, those things are important enough that it can throw a wrench in their…happily ever after, you could say.”

He went silent for a moment. 

“Can I ask you a question, then?”

“Is the question how do I know that won’t happen between me and Joel?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

She searched his face, this time seeing herself. “You really love him, don’t you?”

“I do. Theo does too. But…do you? Do you love Joel too? Because he loves you. I can tell. He’s easier to read than you are.”

She burst out laughing. “Oh, wow. I knew you were studious, but you keep surprising me.”

“Ma, he stares at you. All the time. Like…like he can’t believe how pretty you are. And it’s not in a creepy way like the guys at the grocery store. You don’t notice them, but me and Joel do.” He frowned, pulling up a memory she, evidently, knew nothing of. “They still try to do it when Joel’s with us. I don’t know what he does, but they don’t stare for long.”

Given Joel’s size, physique, and presence, he probably didn’t have to do much.

Josiah rubbed his chin. “Wait, I can explain better. All right, so, there’s this girl…”

“Oh, God.” Ayesha threw herself back on the bed. “I’m not ready for the talk yet, ‘Siah.”

“Ma, hear me out.” Laughing so much he nearly couldn’t lift his arms, he raised her back up and placed both hands on her cheeks. “She doesn’t go to my school anymore, but she was really pretty Ma. So pretty. When we were in class, I’d stare at her sometimes.”

“Have I ever met her?”

His eyes rolled around behind his glasses. “I don’t think so. She didn’t stay long.”

“Okay, so you stared at her because she was pretty.”

“And, like, nice to people. She reminded me of you, a little bit.” He reddened, eyes lowering. “She was in an accident when she was six, and she had to have her leg amputated from her knee down.”

Ayesha cocked her head to the side. “Amputated?”

“Ma, I know what amput—”

“That’s not what I meant.” She teased the curly-coils on his head. “I meant, that’s a lot to deal with so young. Did the kids make fun of her?”

“They wouldn’t invite her to play any games, stuff like that. And even though she was only at my school for maybe,” he shrugged, “six months, I’d yell at the kids who didn’t want to include her. Kids I’ve known since elementary. One time, a tetherball was going to hit her in the head, and I stopped it. I ate lunch with her when I could, especially when she was sitting alone. I felt like I had to protect her because I liked her. I didn’t like how it felt when people put her down, or when I thought about how much it had to hurt to wake up and not, you know, have a leg. Ma, Theo tossed a soccer ball at you back when we were in Maui. Theo. It wouldn’t even hurt and still, Joel stopped it because he couldn’t see you get hurt.”

Ayesha felt her throat tighten.

“He loves us.” Josiah’s eyes misted over. “He makes you laugh, so hard. He’s the best, Ma. When Dad died, I really didn’t understand it since I was so young. I mean, I was sad because I’d never see him again, but I didn’t realize that I’d miss the things I wouldn’t get to do with him. Like playing soccer and potato sack races. Going fishing. And yeah, those are things you can do with your mom, but dads are…special in their own way. When Joel started hanging out with us, at first, I did feel bad. I thought Dad would be mad and disappointed in me because I wanted Joel to stick around.”

“I know how that feels.” She kissed his temple. “What made that change?”

“We’re happier than we’ve ever been. I mean, I’d get so nervous whenever we’d go out to the movies or to eat or even on our beach picnics together because I kept thinking this was the day Joel would say no. But, he never did. And, when Joel’s with us, I remember what hanging out with Dad was like. I remember Dad.” 

Curtis had been on Josiah and Theo’s minds more than she realized. She wasn’t sure why she found that surprising. She’d made sure they knew everything about their father. They knew his likes, dislikes, what he looked like, how tall he was. Theo even knew, from family videos, what he sounded like. 

Her biggest regret was not telling him she was pregnant. Knowing the way he’d died, she was sure it wouldn’t have changed the outcome, but there would at least be a picture or text or video she could have shown Theo so he’d know how excited his father would have been to meet him.

“I was afraid it would be the opposite,” she confessed. “I thought that if I let Joel get too close to us, you’d forget your father.”

“No, not at all, Ma. Joel, he feels like Dad to me. I don’t think he would if he wasn’t the right one, not only for me and Theo, but for you too.”

Romantic feelings and now wise words? 

Who was this kid, and when did he stop being her little Jojo?

“Before Joel, I did forget a lot about Dad,” he continued. “Now, I’m starting to remember everything. I remember Dad’s laugh, his funny dances, and the way he used to put me on his neck and carry me around.”

Like Joel did for Theo at the school carnival.

“Ma,” he took her hand, “if you love Joel like me and Theo, maybe you and Joel won’t split up because of something you can’t agree on.” 

“If I’m being honest with you, sweetheart, we don’t know Joel and I won’t, at some point, want completely different things.”

He went from wide eyes to lowered brows, his mouth curved down. “So, you could get divorced?”

“Josiah,” she laughed, “we’re not even married.”

“Okay, hypothetically speaking.”

She knew it was said that kids who loved to read often had large vocabularies, but her son had pulled out the entire dictionary tonight. No wonder his teachers adored him. They had to exert little to no effort to get him to learn new concepts.

“Hypothetically speaking,” she began, “if Joel and I were to ever get married…well, you know one of the hardest things we’ve had to face is your father’s death.”

Josiah nodded. “Yes, ma’am.”

“And Joel, well, he used to do a lot of the same things.”

“Is that why Aunt Syd couldn’t stay married to him?”

“She was scared,” Ayesha explained. “She was scared of how much it would hurt if something happened to him like what happened to your dad.”

“But, you’re scared too, right, Ma?” He pressed his thumb into his chest. “I’m scared. And Theo.”

“I am.”

“What’s the difference?”

“I don’t see myself living without Joel by choice.” It wasn’t as candid as she’d wanted to be with her son, but there was no reeling the words back in. “Plus, the guys are more mature, wiser, and more skilled now. Closer now. So, when I think about having him in our lives as opposed to not having him in our lives, it’s not worth it to not have him here with us to love and cherish and laugh with.”

Josiah rested his head on her shoulder. “It’s like, if nothing bad happens, we can have him forever. But, if he’s not in our lives, then we don’t have him, something bad could still happen, and we’d miss all that time we could have spent together.”

He’d been so little when he was born. Barely five pounds. It was hard to imagine the constantly growing and stretching young man across from her had once been a tiny, frowning baby. 

“So, when are we moving in?” he asked.

She laughed and gave him a gentle shove. 

“Mama, come on. I already have my room picked out.”

Her brow tipped up. “Oooh, you just called me ‘Mama.’”

“No, I didn’t.” His face flamed. “I said ‘Ma’ and accidentally stuttered.”

“You sure did. I’m still your mama.” She placed a loud smack against his cheek. “Forever and ever, you will always be my itsy-bitsy baby boy.”

He groaned and laughed when she hugged him tight.

* * *

“Adrían, we can’t do this.”

“But do you need it, Ayesha?” Adrían slipped his tongue inside her bellybutton. “Do you need it?” He buried two fingers inside her. “Do you want me? Tell me you want me.”

“It can’t be more than this.”

“Tell me you want me, Ayesha…”

“Delgano.” Nicholas didn’t look up from his computer monitor. “Did you see her?” 

Adrían scrubbed his face. “See who?” 

“Savea.”

Of course, he’d seen Ayesha Savea. He couldn’t unsee Ayesha Savea. None of the guys knew how he felt about her, and he would take that information to his grave. Up until he’d met her, he’d done most things on autopilot. Whatever was expected of him, he executed to the fullest of his abilities.

As the story often went, she should have never been more than a job. 

Ayesha Savea was sweet like brigadeiros and pretty like the multicolored palette of women back in Rio. He’d assumed it was for the best when they’d broken things off; at no point could he ever tell her he was one of the men responsible for her husband’s death. But it didn’t matter how many people he killed. His heart hadn’t changed. It could still love, and it was snared one afternoon in Maui. 

He knew what their mission would eventually be, but he’d be damned if he let any of these assholes he called comrades put a finger on her or her boys.

“Adrían.” Nicholas waved a hand in front of his face. “Did you see her or not?”

“I saw her,” he said.

“Did the kid spot you like he did with Lavigne?”

“She wasn’t with her kids. She was with a man.”

Nicholas’ brows shot up. “I guess she finally found a way to move on after what’s his name.”

Curtis Savea.

He never forgot the name. 

The face. 

The smell of the other man’s blood. 

After Curtis’ death, all he’d had to do was check to see if the man’s widow knew the truth about what Curtis did. All signs had pointed to her being kept in the dark by her late, large, Polynesian husband, but once given an assignment, he couldn’t turn away. 

When he saw her with her little boy, her little Theodore, it made him think of losing his own mother. Talking to her transformed her from target to person. Once she became a person, he slipped and fell into a sensation he’d never experienced before her. 

He reported back that she didn’t know anything, but they’d still kept tabs on her.

Outside of Ayesha, they’d kept tabs on a Larke Tapley, an Arihi Hunter—she was a high-profile target—a Tayler Diaz, and a Moana Jonesboro, each woman having had contact with the Alpha team at some point. Alpha was the first of their kind. Their team, Omega, would be the last.

Once the Alpha recruits had taken it upon themselves to bring in a new man, without approval, whose real name the establishment had yet to learn, surveillance had been upped. According to Central, where their teams had been created, the Alpha team had grown too close. Too large. It had been foolish to put that much skill and power in the same place. 

Now, instead of a team, they operated like a family. 

Then they went rogue. 

“Any word about what to do with the Alpha team?” he asked.

Nicholas still didn’t look up. Once in front of his computer, he faded away from the rest of the world. “No. I already said I would let you know when.”

“Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to like that?”

“Sorry.” Nicholas sighed, remembering exactly who could easily kill whom on this team. “I’m on edge. I haven’t heard back from Larke Tapley. Usually, she responds by now, and I need to get back into her computer. There’s no way she could have figured me out. She’s not nearly smart enough.”

The Larke Tapley he’d met undercover in DC was definitely smart enough. He’d wanted to fuck her hoarse for cursing him out in front of that federal judge’s house.

“Hasn’t it been a while since you’ve last spoken?” he asked.

“I won’t give up. A ‘Huntsman’ can’t outsmart a ‘Ghost.’”

Adrían held up two hands in defense. 

Nicholas continued to mumble through his insecurities. Adrían ignored him. The rest of the team could burn in hell. Ayesha and her boys would be coming with him even if he had to take a knife to his own group mates’ throats. 

* * *

Dez slammed the front door of what he hoped was the last house he had to move his family into and dropped his bag in the entryway. “Where are my sexy ass wife and my adorable baby girl?”

Larke peered around her open office door. “God, why are you so loud?”

He started toward her.

She shrieked and pulled her head back into the room like a turtle in a shell.

In the office, Monroe slept in her playpen, crumbs all over her dress. 

The little monster. 

He went there first to stare at her like he’d done since the day she was born. A day he’d nearly missed. She looked just like her mother, which made her the luckiest kid in the world. Larke wanted at least one more, but her first pregnancy had been so difficult, he didn’t want to think about her doing it a second time.

When he spun to face her, she quickly closed out several windows on her computer. One of them had looked like some sort of profile and the other, a program he’d seen before on Julien’s wall of monitor screens.

“You cheating on me?” he asked.

She frowned. “What?”

He wrapped his arms around her from behind, sweaty and disgusting, and secretly felt for the pulse on her wrist. “You’re being sneaky.”

“Who would I cheat with, Dez?” She leaned back against him. She loved him sweaty and disgusting. “Unless it’s Chris Hemsworth or Charlie Hunnam or something.”

Her pulse remained steady.

Shit, that was the truth?

“So, if you’re not cheating, what were you working on?” 

“Nothing important.” Her pulse sped up. “Some stuff for Tay.”

“Have you heard from your little IT buddy?”

She turned in his arms, and the movement pulled her wrist away from his fingers. “Jealousy is wasted on someone as fine as you. You know that, right? And Mo’s already clued me in to you guys’ little poor man’s lie detector. Really, lover?”

“You’re keeping something from me and you won’t tell me.” He shrugged. “What else am I supposed to do if I can’t ask you?”

“I’ll tell you after your shower.”

“Tapley…”

She faked a pout. “But I’m not Tapley anymore. I’m Mrs. Harding.”

“You’re Tapley until you tell me the truth.” He stepped away from her, went back to the front room, and grabbed his bag. “I won’t give it up until you tell me the truth, either.”

She smiled, arms crossed. “You can’t give it up. You guys let Joel con you into going without because he swore none of you could go even a quarter as long as he did without getting some. You guys must really be bored.”

Dez opened his arms wide. “Baby, think about it. First of all, I was never going to win and, right now, I haven’t touched you in eleven days. I’m not the only one hurting.”

Eleven days, ten hours, eighteen minutes, and sixteen seconds.

Her smile fell, and her face flushed. She remembered. She knew what he was like when he got back from a long mission. Once he’d settled and could touch her again, he wore her out. He made her hoarse. A few times, he went too hard, and she bruised. The next day when he spotted the marks, he’d been sacked with guilt, but the bruises had turned her freaky little ass on.

“It’s,” she scratched the back of her head, “nothing.”

He pulled off his clothes and stood naked in their foyer. “Okay.”

“Can I watch you shower?” she squeaked.

“No.”

“Can I touch it?”

“Nope.” He knew he was playing a dangerous game. “Unless you tell me what you’ve been working on.”

Seconds passed with her staring at different parts of his body like she couldn’t decide where to settle her gaze. 

“Nick emailed me from out of nowhere,” she said, eyes on his stomach. “I had Julien look at the email, and he said it was Nick trying to backdoor my computer to gain access to my network. If I’d downloaded what he sent, he would have been able to trace my movements without me knowing.”

Dez stared at his wife, but he saw himself peeling the son of a bitch’s scalp from his skull. “And did he say what Nick wants?”

“No. He doesn’t know, but he says the program’s familiar. That’s it.”

“You couldn’t tell me this, why?”

She remembered he had a face. “How many ways have you already envisioned killing him in the span of time it took for me to tell you that story?”

“Only one so far.”

“That’s exactly why. You’re a large, dangerous, sexy man and why can’t I touch it?”

Monroe cried out, and Dez hid his sigh of relief. Two seconds longer, and he would have picked Larke up, walked her to the bathroom with him, and they would have been welcoming a second kid or two in about nine months. If he could get to at least fourteen days without touching his wife despite her voice, smell, and the softness of her skin tormenting him around their house, he would consider that a personal triumph. 

“Go take your shower,” she said. “Dinner tonight’s at Joel’s.” 

She groaned and went to tend to their daughter.

He took his clothes with him to the owner’s suite, tossed them in the hamper, and turn the pipe on full blast, the water frigid. However, it wasn’t desire he needed to calm. This little Nick prick officially had a red dot on the back of his fucking skull.

04: The Bestest Time Ever03/07/2021

“My teacher gived me this book.” Theo climbed back on top of him. “I aksed her if she had a book that I could read to you when I’m a gooder reader, and she said I can take this one home and read it with you so I learn the words.”

Joel swallowed twice before reading the title out loud. “You asked her for a book called ‘I Love You, Daddy’ to read? With me?”

One More Quick AnnouncementComing soon – Prince of the Brotherhood

Mature (18+) Audiences. Contains bad words and sex-y scenarios.

There were at least six instances where Ayesha wanted to kiss Joel.

The first was when he came to pick her up at the house in his dark jeans, scarf, sweater, and wool coat. She’d leaned forward to taste his lips, but then the boys rushed forward with their overnight bags, nearly pushing her face-first into the door to hug him. So, she’d tamped down the urge, and they dropped the boys off at Julien and Ari’s before heading out.

She wanted to kiss him at least three times on the drive as he caressed the back of her hand with his thumb. Even his side profile was sexy.

When they entered the restaurant, he’d taken off her coat and gawked at her in her very simple skin-tight black leggings, heeled boots, sweater, and scarf. She’d stepped forward, eyes locked on his mouth, but a large, loud party entered and interrupted them.

It was chilly outside, the country on a tightrope between winter and spring. The restaurant sat on a majestic frozen-over lake. She’d marveled over it for a few seconds through the floor-to-ceiling rectangular windows next to their table. They would have to come back at another time, in the summer, when she’d consumed enough of Joel to enjoy staring at something other than him for any length of time. For now, Mother Nature and the wonders of the world would have to take a backseat.

There were miniature flecks of green she’d never noticed before in his irises. It reminded her of the beaches in Hawaii where tropical trees bordered the water’s deep blue edges, blending into a single palette. She was glad he kept the facial hair; she wanted to scrape her fingers through it while sucking on his bottom lip and thrust her hands into his hair, grazing his scalp with her fingertips. She wanted to make him moan, and red wine wasn’t the best choice tonight if the agreement was to take things slow. 

He was beautiful. 

Even after his and Sydney’s split, falling for Joel had been the furthest thing from her mind. Her expectation had been to live out the rest of her days as Josiah and Theo’s mother. Once they were old enough, she’d become Ayesha again instead of “Ma” or “Mama.” 

Now, she was thinking about being an “us” again, and it was exhilarating. 

It also left her saddled with guilt. 

Her heart said, “You’re in love, girl,” while her mind added, “with Sydney’s husband.”

“You okay, Ayesha?”

She blinked, lashes fluttering several times before the restaurant’s romantic glow beneath the chandeliers came back into focus. It had all blurred somehow. Everything behind his head had blurred. 

“Yes, everything’s amazing,” she answered. “Why?”

“You’re checked out.”

“Oh. I was thinking about kissing you.” 

She picked up a cabbage roll and bit down into it. When she looked up, Joel’s irises were black. 

“Um…uh,” he shifted in his chair, “how…what was I…oh yeah. This dream of Theo’s. What’s it about? Do you know?”

Ayesha swallowed another bite and chased it with a sip of wine. “The dream starts with him at school on the playground. Since it’s his first day, he’s alone. You know it’s not easy for my baby to make friends, even though he’s so sweet.”

Joel’s mouth turned down in a slight curve, and he rubbed his knuckles over his sternum. “I…didn’t know that.”

She’d assumed leaving Theo at school for his very first day would have been one of the hardest things she’d ever done, but when he came home sad and didn’t want to tell her why, only to later find out it was because he was lonely? It shattered her heart.

“It’s my fault. I kept him with me right up until he started school instead of socializing him more.”

“It’s not on your fault or Theo’s.” Joel reached across the table and took her hand. “Once all this mess lets up, we’ll put him on a soccer team or something. He’ll make friends. He’s too amazing not to make friends.”

She shook off memories of Theo alone in their yard with his soccer ball whenever Josiah was busy or out with friends, or she couldn’t play with him. Joel had been more of a blessing in Theo’s life than she’d realized. Whenever Joel visited, they played together.

“In the dream, when Theo looks up, he sees a scary man looking at him from outside the school gate,” she continued. “He knows, somehow, that the man is looking for him, and he’s afraid the man’s there to kill me, him, and Josiah.”

Anger twitched across Joel’s face, and it had been a long time since she last felt the comfort and protectiveness he’d brought back into her life. 

“Joel, do you think he really saw someone?”

He looked down at his empty plate. “I’ve been trying to figure that out. Things have been quiet, which I assumed would have been a good thing, but it’s…unsettling.”

Now that Theo, Thandie, and Josiah were enrolled in school, only the guys were allowed to drop them off unless she or Ari had to be there. They wouldn’t even risk Mo. The situation was too delicate to trust anyone else, even people in the area the guys had trusted for years. 

“Do you think he’d mind spending some time with me?” Joel asked. “Just me and him?”

She felt her eyes light up. “Oh, he would love that.”

“That hurts, man. Down to the bone. I didn’t know my little guy was so lonely.”

Their joined hands moved in sync, fingers brushing and stroking. She raised her wine glass with the other and tipped it back, draining the bowl. Everything had been moving fast lately, and she’d had Joel, Xara, and Mike to focus on, so it had been a while since she’d last sat with the knowledge that there were people who didn’t like her baby. 

It wasn’t like he could help some of his traits. All they saw when they looked at him was the mark of “trouble,” and notwithstanding his recent difficulties, Theo melted hearts with his little face, his eyes, and that giggle of his.

Joel’s gaze moved over her shoulder, out the window. With the sun set, the lights inside cascaded off the windows. The city shined, golden, in the distance. 

The days were cold but lovely, and the nights were frigid. Once things got warmer, they planned to do more with the boys. Josiah and Theo had spent their entire lives in Maui. Each time they’d had to endure weather close to this, it had been on trips to DC where they knew they’d be going home at some point. Neither complained, but it couldn’t be easy for them to be cooped up after knowing so much sunshine.

A lump of emotion too large to swallow got stuck in Ayesha’s windpipe, and she pushed up out of her chair. 

“I’ll be right back.”

Joel nodded and brushed his fingers through hers as she passed the table. 

Thankfully, the bathroom was empty. 

She locked herself in a stall, sat, and reeled off tissue paper, dabbing at her eyes until they stung. After the Thandie incident, she’d spent the rest of the day feeling guilty she’d been too harsh with Theo. He’d asked if he was still loved. If he could have a hug. He wouldn’t have asked those things if he felt loved.

If his loneliness bothered him, it didn’t show, but it turned her heart into precious glass held by greasy fingers. No five-year-old in the world should have to deal with the knowledge that there was something about him people didn’t like, and she wondered if it had manifested in his dreams. He was too young to articulate his frustration. The man could be some sort of symbol. If he saw himself as a danger or nuisance, the man could represent him fearing he was hurting her and Josiah. 

Theo also wanted Joel to be his father. Perhaps he figured that if he had a living father, a lot of his problems would go away.

She blew her nose, left the stall, washed her hands at the sink, and checked to make sure her eyes weren’t swollen. Joel knew what she’d come in here to do, but she didn’t want to look it. The way he’d rubbed his chest, he felt a similar pain she did, and she was grateful for his love for her sons. It was a kind of love she’d feared they’d never again experience. At least, Josiah. Theo never had the privilege of being wrapped in Curtis’ light.

She wiped her hands, tossed the paper towel, pushed through the bathroom door, and ran into a hard chest. The person wrapped their arms around her waist to steady her…and didn’t let go.

“Ayesha?”

She looked up. “Adrían?”

“You look beautiful.” He drew her close. “It’s so good seeing you.”

She returned the hug and spotted Joel watching them over Adrían’s shoulder. “You too.”

“I’m beautiful?”

“Nice seeing you too, I mean.”

“I know. I’m joking.” He tightened the arms he still had around her. “Are you out here alone?”

He looked good, still had that slight Brazilian accent that used to make her panties wet. Back then, he was slimmer and more toned. Over the years, he’d packed on a good deal of muscle but still had that whole rugged Jon Kortajarena thing going on. 

“No, I’m with someone.” 

He released her, and his disappointment looked authentic. “That’s too bad. For me, not for him. How are the boys?”

“Good. Actually, I have to get back to my—”

“Of course. Of course. Say hi to Theo and Josiah for me.”

They wouldn’t have a clue who he was. He never met Josiah, and he left when Theo was a wobbly toddler. 

“Will do.”

He squeezed her wrist, and she stepped around him. 

Joel stood and all but caught her when she reached their table. He held her against his body and stared in the direction of the restrooms. 

“Somebody you know?” 

She slipped her fingers through his. “Used to.”

When she’d still worked out of a private office, Adrían Queirós had worked out of a massive office space down the hall from hers. She never quite understood what it was he did, but from the looks of things, he’d been successful at it.

Theo had only been a few months old at the time, so she took him with her to work more often than not. She’d set up a large, colorful, and partitioned off play area in the office, and it was funny how having a baby in the office had gotten clients who were less talkative to open up. She’d assumed she would have lost several because of him, but she’d lost none.

Adrían stopped in to introduce himself one afternoon because he was new to the building, and he’d ended up staying and chatting and playing with Theo for close to an hour. She’d thought nothing of it or about him. He was attractive, and she’d noticed, but that was it. 

They ran into each other again in the building’s café during lunch. A few days later, when he didn’t spot her in the café, he brought up a container of food, which she’d appreciated because she’d worked through lunch and had still been breastfeeding at the time. 

After that, they regularly spent lunch together. She let him know she was a recent widow not looking for anything serious. He’d recently ended a long-term relationship himself.

A month later, he kissed her in the parking lot. 

She’d craved human touch, human comfort…so she kissed him back.

It kept happening, going from lips lightly brushing in the space between pleasure and guilt to open-mouthed and desperate within a matter of weeks.

One month, Gage flew in and took Josiah and Theo back to California to spend time with him for a few weeks, so she and Adrían decided to meet up outside the building for a late afternoon lunch. That somewhere turned out to be a restaurant in a luxury hotel near the office complex. 

After they ate, they kissed. 

And kissed. 

Adrían booked a room, and they had sex for the first time.

When Theo was asleep, she was with Adrían in her office. The days she didn’t have Theo in the office because either family or friends were in town, she’d go to Adrían’s office. She’d made the mistake of spending the night at his place at his request, and she woke up the next morning in his arms. She found him staring down at her, and after a soft smile, he’d told her, “Ayesha, I’m afraid I might be falling in love.” 

They agreed to break things off, he shut down his office, and she didn’t see him again after that.

“Me and Adrían, we had a thing. It wasn’t serious.”

Joel didn’t look her way. “Does he know that?”

“We both agreed to break it off.”

“Why?”

She bit down on her bottom lip. “He…well, he said he thought he might be falling in love. Even if we hadn’t both agreed to stop, I would have ended things anyhow.”

“Hmm. Love.” Joel licked his lips. “How long did it last?”

“Joel, everything I want, I’m looking at.”

He took her hand, walked them to the heated outdoor space attached to the restaurant, and drew her back into his body while they stood near the railing. She sighed when he lowered his head to nuzzle her neck. 

“I don’t feel threatened by the man,” he said, breath warming the shell of her right ear. “And yet, I still want to hang his spine on my wall.”

Joel had nothing to worry about. She’d never craved Adrían like this. The sex had been amazing, and it had felt nice to kiss, touch, and be held since the pain from losing Curtis had still been raw, but it didn’t matter how wide Adrían had opened his arms. She never desired to run into them.

She wanted to make love to Joel, experience life and continue a family with him.

“I feel like the moment I try to kiss you,” Joel’s lips brushed the other side of her neck, “Theo’ll show up at our table.”

“He does have amazing timing.”

His tongue, hot, flicked against her skin as he made his way toward her jaw. Each inch closer to her mouth made her heart beat faster.

“What would qualify as us moving too fast?” she asked, tilting her head.

“Eloping.” He grabbed her hip and spun her around. “Why? What’s on your mind?”

“Excuse me, I’m looking for Joel and…Ayehsh…Ayuh—”

“It’s Ayesha.” Joel turned toward the voice, a server waving a piece of paper. “How can we help you?”

“Your family couldn’t reach you by phone,” the server said. “There has been an emergency. It’s your son.”

Joel gathered their things from the table and paid their bill, and she called Ari. The call didn’t connect until they reached the car, and the first thing they heard was crying in the background at a level Ayesha hadn’t heard since Theo was a newborn.

“Theo’s having a hard time tonight,” Ari said. “He—oh, baby, it’s okay. It’s okay, sweetie. Auntie won’t leave you—woke up screaming. Like, it’s so bad, he’s throwing up.” 

Theo coughed, gagged, and retched.

“I’m here, baby,” Ari cooed. 

Joel sped to the main road. “What’s going on, big guy? Think you can talk to us?”

All they got was more retching.

“Did he say anything?” Ayesha asked.

“He woke up screaming and asked me to ask Julien if he could make sure ‘the man’ didn’t get him. When I told him Julien wasn’t home, that’s when this started.”

Ayesha’s eyes stung with fresh tears. “Theo, we’re on our way, baby.”

“Julien’s heading back.” Ari said a few more reassuring words to Theo. “I hate seeing him like this. I’ll hold him until you guys get here, see if I can rock him to sleep.”

When they hung up, Ayesha folded herself into the seat. She wouldn’t be able to distance herself from the problem to treat Theo in an effective way, but he needed to talk to someone. Someone who could give them a little more clarity on this whole “man” issue. 

“Joel?” She looked over at him, vision watery. “What happened to my baby?”

WHEN THEY ARRIVED at the house, Theo was in a fresh pair of pajamas and asleep in Julien’s arms. Those two fingers were in his mouth, and Julien swiveled his chair from side to side, rocking him, while he stared at his computer screen.

“Hey, Julien,” Ayesha called.

Julien turned. “Hey. How was the date?”

“Amazing,” she said. “Has he been asleep long?”

“About fifteen minutes.” Julien pressed his cheek against the top of Theo’s head and rubbed his back. “I’ve never seen him like this. I mean, Theo didn’t stop crying until I walked in. Ari had just finished cleaning him up, and he came right over to me and asked me to pick him up. I can’t tell you the last time he’s done that.”

Joel lifted Theo from Julien’s arms. Ayesha pulled his fingers from his mouth, which caused Theo’s head to pop up.

“It’s us,” Joel whispered. 

Theo hugged him tight. “Where’s Mama?”

“Right here, baby.”

“Mama, can you and Joel never leave again?”

They glanced at each other. 

“Theo, did the man from your nightmare do something?” Joel asked. “Does he hurt you? Does he touch you anywhere?”

“He says he’s coming for Mama and Jojo.” 

His fingers went back into his mouth, and he sucked on them like back when he’d nursed. Each tug opened a fresh crack in Ayesha’s heart. 

“What does he want to do to your mama and Josiah?” Joel prodded.

“This.” Theo, tears rolling down his cheek, dragged his index finger across his neck. “Just like that. He wants to cut Mama on her throat and kill her. Jojo’s not big enough to stop him, and he’s bigger’n Auntie Ari. Only you can stop him, Joel. You and Uncle Julien, Uncle Dez, Uncle Gage, Uncle Mike, and Uncle Gio.”

Joel and Julien exchanged a look.

Ayesha retrieved a tissue from her purse and dabbed at Theo’s tears. “Does the man have a name?” 

“I don’t know, Mama.”

“Okay.” She tipped up and kissed his cheek. “Julien, is it okay if Josiah stays until the morning?”

Julien stood. “Of course. He can stay for as long as he likes.”

They let Julien know Josiah could come home tomorrow if he wanted to, and Theo fell back to sleep as soon as Joel secured him in the car. He didn’t wake on the ride back or as they walked into the house, but the minute they set him on his bed, he grabbed Joel’s shirt. 

“I don’t wanna sleep by myself, Joel. Mama, please don’t make me sleep by myself.”

So, they took him to Ayesha’s bedroom where he fell right back to sleep. 

Ayesha went to change him into his nighttime undies, saw he was already wearing a pair, and prayed it wasn’t because he’d had an accident at Ari’s. Ari wouldn’t mind, but the latent “you’re a terrible mother” merged with the “you’re failing as a single mother,” and she wouldn’t be able to weather that with everything else they had going on.

She went to the bathroom to change, and Joel changed in one of the guest rooms. She let him know that she “thought” she had more clothes of his when she knew she had more than “some.” There were the ones that had gotten mixed up in their laundry and the ones she’d bought on a whim while pretending it hadn’t meant she had feelings for him.

When Joel returned to the room, he took her wrist and pulled her into the corner. 

“So, I was overzealous before, but I’m serious now,” he said. “Move in with me. Theo says he feels safe with either me or the guys. The most logical choice, and the one I selfishly want for myself, is for you to move in with me. That way, he knows I’ll always come home. He can count on me coming home.”

Home.

How did one word sound so good coming from his mouth?

“Let me talk to Josiah first,” she said.

A coy smile appeared on his face. Talking to Josiah was a formality. He had his room at Joel’s already picked out. 

She glanced at their—her little boy. “I’m thinking about taking him to see someone.”

“That’s a good idea.” He kissed the top of her head. “And after today, I want to do more stuff with him…why are you smiling?” 

She didn’t realize she was. “I love the way you care about them.”

“Do you think,” he looked over her head at Theo, “I’m overstepping?”

“Overstepping how?”

“Because of Curtis.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Let me explain it better.” He shook his head. “Never mind. We’ll talk about that later.”

She knew what he wasn’t saying. He wanted to know, if things worked out between them the way they’d fantasized, what they would call him. What would be acceptable. She’d tossed the question around several times in her mind. In the end, she decided to cross that bridge if they came to it. Virtually every article and message board post suggested leaving it up to Theo and Josiah anyhow.

“Will you sleep in here with me and Theo tonight?” she asked.

He nodded.

She started for the bed, but he grabbed her hand and pulled her back. 

Then, his mouth was on hers. 

The kiss was gentle, but she still had to brace herself with two hands against his chest. She’d been waiting for this for so long, wanting this for so long, the sweet heat of it jarred her. 

Their mouths separated, but he didn’t release her.

She opened her eyes to him staring down at her, eyes hooded and glazed-over, his hands slowly wrapping around her waist. Two kids had dropped a few hills and valleys on her sporty frame, but there were areas she wished she had more “body” to fill his enormous hands.

He smiled.

“What are you smiling about now?” she asked, pushing her fingers through his hair, up off his forehead.

“Nothing.” He closed his eyes. “Well, what would you say if I told you I feel amazing when I’m with you? Happy when I’m with you? I love being with you, Eesh.”

“I’d say, I love being with you too, Joel. I always have.”

I always will.

His smile grew. “And that, what you’re doing right now with my hair, I love that.”

“I can’t guarantee that if we come stay with you, I’ll be able to leave.”

“Then don’t.” He opened his eyes and leaned down, focus glued to her lips. “There are things I can do to get you to stay. So many things…”

He cradled the back of her head and brought her mouth to his. When their lips made contact, she felt the shock move through her entire system. The fingers on her left hand slipped into the hair at his nape, and the fingers on her right hand gripped his bicep. He tightened his hold around her and breathed out a moan quieter than a whisper.

“I won’t let you hurt my Mama, Veeny.”

They pulled apart, untangled, and walked over to the bed.

“Do you know if veeny’s a word or a name?” Ayesha asked, licking her lips.

Joel didn’t look at Theo like the man they’d called a friend for all these years. He looked at Theo like she would. Like Curtis used to look at Josiah. 

“I’m not sure. I’ll ask Giorgio, see if he’s ever heard it.”

“Mama and Joel are going to find out what’s hurting you and fix this, baby.” She lay on her side and tucked Theo against her chest and stomach. Before the end of the week, the four of them would be under one roof, and with the way Theo trembled against her, it wasn’t a moment too soon.

Hmm…Adrian Queirós? Adrian Delgano?03: Coincidence and Fate02/28/2021

“Delgano.” Nicholas didn’t look up from his computer monitor. “Did you see her?” 

Adrían scrubbed his face. “See who?” 

“Savea.”

Of course, he’d seen Ayesha Savea. He couldn’t unsee Ayesha Savea. None of the guys knew how he felt about her, and he would take that information to his grave. Up until he’d met her, he’d done most things on autopilot. Whatever was expected of him, he executed to the fullest of his abilities.

As the story often went, she should have never been more than a job. 

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Mature (18+) Audiences. Contains bad words and sex-y scenarios.

The Past

Joel pressed his knuckles against his chest, but it wouldn’t do a thing to soothe the burning ache. Sydney was dating. He hadn’t been able to so much as take another woman seriously and there she was, at one of their favorite restaurants, laughing and smiling with some handsome, bald-headed motherfucker. 

He’d gone to pick up takeout to go back home and eat alone, but after spotting her moving on with her life so effortlessly, he hadn’t the stomach for it. Now, he was here at Dez and Larke’s, and he was pretty sure the last thing the newlyweds wanted was his melancholy ass in their den.

The door behind him opened.

“Actually, Dez,” he turned, “I probably shouldn’t even be her—Ayesha. Hey.”

Ayesha stared at him from Dez and Larke’s foyer, her eyes filled with pity. It was how they all looked at him, how they’d started looking at him ever since he and Syd announced their split. Everyone else’s relationships were going strong despite their careers, but Joel Lattimore hadn’t been enough for Sydney Donovan. Couldn’t keep her happy. Hell, who knew? Maybe she’d been faking her orgasms.

“Hey, Joel.” A soft smile touched Ayesha’s lips. “Dez and Larke aren’t back yet, but you can come on in.”

“I, uh, didn’t know you were in town.”

“For a little while. Sometimes, being on an island feels…well, like being on an island.” She stepped back. “Come on in. Watch out for Theo.”

Ayesha’s son, Theo, was attached to her left calf, tears on the toddler’s round cheeks, hazel eyes assessing him. As if they weren’t already the best of friends. He and Theo had become best friends when they first met. He’d fed him a piece of fresh pineapple, and that had sealed their bond.

Joel crouched. “Hey, little guy. You okay?”

Theo stared, lips trembling, his face flushed.

Ayesha looked down. “I left the room. He didn’t see me and had a small heart attack. Or something. He’s going through a clingy stage.”

Joel stepped inside, closed the door, and set the food on the nearby entryway table. He then turned to give Ayesha a hug, and she held on longer than usual. 

They all did these days.

More pity.

“Mama? Mama, I lost Theo.” Josiah peered into the entryway. “Oh, never mind. Hey, Joel!”

Josiah dashed over, and Joel folded him into a hug. Every time he saw Josiah, the kid was taller. He’d started out a lot like Theo, small for his age. Now, he towered over all his friends and classmates.

“You wanna watch movies with me, Mama, and Theo?” Josiah asked.

It was a better option than the nothing he’d had planned. 

“I’d love to.”

Theo released his mother’s leg, walked over, and raised his arms. Joel picked him up, gave him a squeeze, and pressed a kiss into the curls on his head.

“Are you still my friend?”

Theo sniffed and nodded. “I Jo fwen.”

Ayesha grabbed the takeout bag. “And I guess I’ll carry this.” 

They headed to the TV room where an animated movie was paused on the giant screen television. The restaurant had loaded him up with food, so he shared his rice, noodles, egg rolls, and sweet and sour chicken with Ayesha and the boys. 

Two and a half movies in, Josiah fell asleep, and Joel had replaced Ayesha as Theo’s surrogate comfort. Theo stayed glued to his side, eyelids drooping, fighting sleep. He smelled like Pampers and baby powder, and it was hard to admit how refreshing it was to feel needed with the way Theo clung to him. For the last several weeks, he’d barely felt seen.

Ayesha stared, her smile wistful. Proud. Full of love. He’d hoped to know that feeling one day. Of looking at his son or daughter and feeling what he could see on Ayesha’s face. Now, he wasn’t sure what the future held.

“He’s barely holding on,” she whispered.

“I can set him to sleep, if you’d like.” He raised his arm. Theo crawled underneath it and onto his lap, his cheek against Joel’s chest. 

Theo then closed his eyes, and his middle and ring fingers went into his mouth. Ayesha cringed. 

“We’re still working on that.” 

As a mother, Ayesha was a thing of beauty to watch. How she managed, alone, with two small boys, he’d never know. Once he got his life together, he would be around more for her. Everyone else felt guilty about not being able to due to building relationships or trying to start families, but he’d be able to step in. It wasn’t like he was doing either. 

“He’ll grow out of it.” Joel burrowed further into the sofa cushions and patted Theo’s back. “It’s a comfort thing. My mother said I used to play with the fuzzies on her nightie.”

It took Theo only a few minutes to fall asleep, and Joel was hit with an unexpected rush of emotion when he looked down into the little guy’s face. They were such cute freakin’ kids. He’d only seen pictures of Curtis, but he’d been a good-looking guy. Their mother was gorgeous. 

He wanted a wife to treasure. Kids for his parents to spoil. At no point in his life before this would he have ever anticipated wanting a family this much. Weren’t men supposed to want huge tits in their faces, a rotation of women in their beds, and all sorts of sinful debauchery? Then settle down at fifty-five with a twenty-five-year-old?

Not him.

Whenever he slipped on a tie, he looked for graceful fingers to adjust it. At night, he wanted warm and familiar to hold and slip inside of, over and over. The house wasn’t the same with only his clothes, his scent, and his shoes on the bench by the front door. He’d already closed on a condo in Penn Quarter, but he hoped the house sold in less than a month to be done with it for good.

“Joel…”

His eyelids fluttered. On the TV, credits rolled. On his belly, Theo snored, rising and falling in time to his breaths. At some point, Ayesha had tossed a blanket over them.

“I can take him.” She sat next to them. “Thank you. It’s been a while since he’s fallen asleep on something other than Mama’s chest. Not since he was like four months old, I believe.”

Joel rubbed Theo’s back. “Who was it, Gage?”

“Yeah.”

“Gage and his Superman pecs.” He yawned. “I almost bench-pressed myself into a stroke trying to measure up.”

Ayesha laughed. “You look fine. All of you look amazing.”

She kissed the top of Theo’s head and lifted him into her arms. Joel walked Josiah to bed, steering him by his sleepy shoulders. 

Once they were tucked in, he asked Ayesha to join him on the back patio, not ready to be alone. It was selfish of him, but he couldn’t be alone. Not tonight. With the way he felt, he didn’t trust what he’d do without supervision.

“A date?” She turned to face him on the outdoor sectional. “I’m sorry, Joel. That’s…I’m sorry.”

He tried his best attempt at a smile. “It’s not like it’s your fault. I mean, I want her to move on. It’s just—”

“Quick.”

“Yeah.”

“Joel,” she covered his hand with hers, “it’s okay.”

“I don’t even know where exactly I messed up.” He cleared his throat and shifted, eyes wet and burning. “It’s twice now that Syd, essentially, said she doesn’t want me in her life, and I fucking love her, Eesh.”

Ayesha edged closer, as though she sensed the breakdown he felt coming.

“Fuck.” He swiped his hand down his face. “My bad. I didn’t come here to do this.”

“It’s fine to hurt. You went through something painful.”

“I know it makes no sense, but I have this feeling like this is it for me. Like…I’ll never have a Tayler or a Theo.”

“And you didn’t realize that until now, and it feels too late to start over.”

He met her eyes. “Exactly.”

“You’re also pretty certain there’s no getting over this. No moving past this.”

“Fuck, I’m being insensitive. It’s not like Syd’s no longer walking around, you know?”

“This isn’t a grief competition.” She inched even closer. “I just…I understand. I had more kids with Curtis in my version of the future. I wanted a baby girl with him. I’ve never loved anyone the way I love Curtis, and it feels impossible to do it again.”

It reminded him of pain thresholds. Once he felt his first knife wound, he welcomed paper cuts and the scratches he’d gotten both from playing basketball after work with other agents at the Bureau and underground fight clubs.

“Tonight was hard,” she said. “And that’s okay.”

She opened her arms. He lowered his forehead to her shoulder and wrapped his arms around her. They were all so supportive. So…there. Ayesha, who lived in Hawaii, was there. Her arms were there. There had to be something about him that made his friends and brothers want to keep him in their lives. Something that made him worthy of that kind of dedication.

“Joel, I’ll be here. If you need me, when you need me. We all will. We love you.”

That, somehow, made the ache better and worse.

After an indeterminate amount of time—too long for his heavy ass head to be weighing down her small shoulder—the ache abated. He started to move away until he felt Ayesha’s fingers in his hair, and he’d needed that specific comfort for much too long, but it wasn’t like he could ask for it. Gage would gut him if he ever asked Tayler to play with his hair. Mo and Giorgio’s relationship was still unclear, but it was obvious she was off-limits and any requests of that nature were punishable by death and dismemberment. 

And not necessarily in that order.

Syd used to start off playing with his hair. Then, she’d end up on her back, flushed and thoroughly fucked. At least, he assumed. Fake orgasms and all.

Would he really never get to touch her again?

“Can I ask you something personal, Ayesha?”

She nodded. “Sure.”

“Do you ever see yourself moving on? I mean, Curtis was the love of your life. Doesn’t it say somewhere that we can’t have two of those?”

He made a sound. In the past, it would have been a laugh. In the past, it wouldn’t have hurt.

“I haven’t thought about it that much,” she said. “I mean, Theo’s still in diapers. While I do get lonely, I’ve never envisioned myself moving on. For the right man, it’s possible but not likely.”

“How would you know he’s right?”

As it stood, right now, there was no one else for him but Sydney. There never would be.

Ayesha twirled a lock of his hair, and he got a distinct feeling she had no idea she was doing it, but at no point did he want her to stop. It was selfish of him, but he needed this. When he spotted Sydney at that restaurant earlier, his mind had immediately gone to finding a way to no longer exist. Tonight, talking to Ayesha and holding Theo and being part of something reminded him, although it was slight, that he still meant something to someone.

“I’d know he’s right if it feels like Curtis himself handpicked him from heaven. If he feels like a father to my boys. If they love him.”

It would have been harder if Sydney had died. He couldn’t imagine the pain Ayesha had dealt with after getting Curtis’ death notification, while pregnant. 

From what he understood, she’d pulled away from the guys in her grief and went through the rest of the pregnancy alone while raising a very young Josiah. The guys showed up right before she went into labor, having promised Curtis that if anything happened to him, they would take care of his family. It gave them a chance to rekindle a relationship that grew closer each day.

With enough time, logically, he could move on from his divorce. It was harder to imagine what would have happened if Sydney had died.

Ayesha smoothed his hair. “Don’t think about that right now. You’re not anywhere near the mindset of moving on. Get through this part first.”

He was a man in his early thirties who wanted a family but lived a life not conducive to them. For him to move on, the woman would have to be unique. Special. And, in his opinion, a man didn’t go looking for a woman like that. She found him, someway, somehow, and she was a woman that, no matter how much he tried, he would never see coming.

In short, she was a fairy tale.

* * *

Present Day

Ayesha, have dinner with me?

It was one sentence. One sentence Joel had tried to ask every day since they got back from Austria, but whenever he and Ayesha were alone, his heart pounded hard enough to rupture a valve. Every thought he managed to form eventually derailed. He became fixated on her mouth, her eyes, and the thought of kissing her until her lips bruised.

So, he hadn’t asked yet. 

He had dreams of making her moan, making her scream and writhe and twist. 

Several of them. 

He also dreamed of having dinner with her and the boys. Making her breakfast and coffee. Being the man in her life who made her smile and took care of all her needs, and being an actual father to Josiah and Theo, if they were okay with that. 

He wanted to come home to that smile.

But, what if things got serious and she decided she couldn’t deal with him possibly getting hurt either? Syd had been damn near perfect in his eyes, and she stopped wanting him the way he wanted her. 

Ayesha, he wanted.

Wanted.

And he wasn’t sure he could handle her not wanting him.

Gage, beer in hand, joined him in the corner where he stood, staring at Ayesha, like a creep. 

“Joel, you’re starting to scare the kids, mate.”

It was hard not to stare at her. She looked so cute in her skirt and sweater and tights. Curly bangs graced her forehead as she held Mikey J against her chest, her glossed lips stretched into a smile and her beautiful eyes like fireworks. It was winter, and even his normally olive skin had paled some, but she was still smooth and sexy and the color of the burnt sienna his nonna had used for her paintings.

They’d just come back from Mikey J’s Christening, which had taken longer than anticipated to plan since they had to be more cautious than they’d been in the past. Now, they were at Mike and Xara’s fawning over Mikey all over again like the night he was born.

Small.

It was the first word that had popped into Joel’s head when he saw the teeny pink baby with the head full of straight black hair. Xara had complained that he looked too much like Mike when Mike hadn’t been the one up late with heartburn and peeing six and seven times a night. Mike had smiled, the rims of his eyes still red from laying his eyes on his son for the first time.

“Is there any recorded history of dying by heart attack due to extreme infatuation?” Joel asked. “How would that even work? Like, does the heart explode or shrivel up or what?”

“That’s a question for my lady.” Gage tipped back his imported Lager. “But if it didn’t happen to me, you’ll be fine.”

“I haven’t even kissed her. I’ve never felt like this.”

“You’re trying to anticipate your issues to avoid what happened with Syd, trying to be the perfect mate,” Gage explained. “So, you’re nervous and second-guessing yourself. But Ayesha isn’t Syd. You’ll still fuck up from time to time, in different ways. Eesh and Syd won’t want the same things from you.”

“Sometimes, I feel like she’s shocked I’m interested in her.”

“I see that too. I don’t get it. Eesh is lovely.”

“Lovely isn’t the word. Damn.”

Ayesha glanced at him for all of two seconds, and he had another one of those sensations he was pretty certain were small heart attacks. Petit mal seizures existed. There had to be something for the heart. Petit mal infarctions.

“I want to make her happy. What do you do? How do you keep Tayler happy?”

A slow smile spread across Gage’s face.

“Never mind.”

“Joel, as you already know, marriage comes with its share of good times and not-as-good times. Tay and I don’t have all perfect days, especially after I inadvertently taught our son to whisper ‘fuck, mate’ whenever he spills or drops something.”

Joel shook his head, chuckling.

“But, Tay…she has my whole heart. My whole fucking heart. I’m asking her to put up with my shit as a husband, trust me when I say I’m coming home in one piece, and be understanding when I come back more messed up than I left. She gave me my son.” Gage’s mouth tipped into a smile as he watched Tayler pretend to munch on Grey’s stomach. With each fake bite, Grey shrieked with laughter. “The least I can do is be supportive, be faithful, be a good father, and protect my family.”

Ayesha glanced up again. Their gazes held until Theo and Thandie ran into the living room, Thandie crying and Theo sputtering through his defense opening statement. To Joel’s surprise, Thandie ran over to him instead of Ayesha. The way Ayesha’s head cocked to the side, she was surprised too.

“Uncle Joel,” Thandie wrapped her arms around him, “Theo’s being mean.”

Theo flicked away the accusation. “I do not have a mean bone in my body.”

Joel begged to differ.

“What’d he do?” he asked, smoothing Thandie’s hair.

“He—”

“It was an accident!”

Which meant Theo was guilty. If he was culpable for his crime, he objected whenever the prosecution tried to present their side of the argument.

Thandie tilted her face up. “He did this.”

An angry, red scratch started at the corner of her left eye, stretched to her ear, and ended at the base of her neck.

“Oh, no.” Joel waved Ayesha over. “That’s not acceptable, Theo.”

Theo rolled his eyes.

Joel and Gage said, at the same time, “Go ahead and try that again.”

“Sorry, Joel.” His bottom lip quivered. “Sorry, Uncle Gage.”

Something had been going on with him lately. Theo, usually carefree and kind, had started showing out through loud tantrums, defiance, and now this. He’d also been having nightmares and struggled to sleep through the night.

Ayesha walked up. “What happened?”

Joel motioned to Thandie’s face. 

“Theo did that, Thandie?” Her glare tore a hole through Theo’s shirt. “Theo, did you hurt Thandie?”

“Auntie, I think it was an accident,” Thandie defended. “I don’t want him to get in trouble.”

“Don’t come to his defense.” Ayesha grabbed Theo’s arm. “Let’s go.”

Joel hung back until she reached the opening to the hallway, glanced back, and nodded to indicate it was okay for him to follow. Theo did have a tendency to listen to him. According to her, it was the bass in his voice. The rest of the guys called it “Dad voice,” and claimed it was “a power” most men didn’t even realize they had whether they had children.

She sat on the ottoman in front of the glider in Mikey J’s nursery and stood Theo between her legs. “Explain what happened.”

“We were playing.” Theo looked away from his mother’s face. “And she made me mad.”

Ayesha cupped his chin and turned his face back to hers. “Look at me when I’m speaking to you, please.”

“Yes, Mama.”

“Mad how?”

Joel leaned against the changing table, arms folded.

“I didn’t want to play her game. Just because she’s older’n me, everybody acts like I haff to listen to her, but she’s only a little bit older. It’s not like she’s bigger’n me too. Like Jojo.”

“Even if you don’t want to ‘listen’ to her,” Ayesha prefaced, “you don’t put your hands on other people.”

Theo reached into his bag of audacity and pulled out a handful of back-talk along with another eye roll. “It wasn’t my hands, Mama. It was my fingers.”

Ayesha stretched the muscles in her neck and muttered something under her breath. To Joel, it sounded like she was praying, counting, or both.

“Hey,” Joel called.

Tears leaked from Theo’s eyes. Ayesha looked at Joel as if to say, see? Dad voice, and edged Theo closer. 

“You want to tell me what’s been going on with you? Since when do we hurt our family?”

“N-never.” Theo’s head bobbed with each hard sniff. “W-we don’t hurt the p-people we l-love.”

Joel crouched next to them. “Has something been making you upset?”

“No, s-sir.”

“So what made you so mad that your first thought was to scratch your cousin?”

“I d-don’t know.” With each word Joel spoke, more tears came and Theo’s face flushed deeper. “C-can I go pologize to Thandie? I’m really s-sorry, and I didn’t mean to h-hurt her.”

Ayesha nodded. “Yes. We’ll talk more when we get home.”

“Can I have a hug, Mama? Or are you too mad at me?”

She pulled him into her arms. “I’ll never be too upset to hold you, baby, but you know how we treat each other in this family. You know that when there’s a problem you can’t work out, you come to get an adult to help. I’m very disappointed that you did that.”

The sniffles gave way to tears. “I’m sorry. Please…don’t be…dispointed. I can still be a…good kid.”

Joel added, “We know you are, and you are a good kid. We know you didn’t mean it, but sometimes, even when we don’t mean to hurt the people we love, we still can end up hurting them really badly. And wouldn’t you feel terrible if you really hurt Thandie?”

He nodded. “Yes.”

“So you see why we have that rule about how we love each other?” Ayesha asked.

“Yes, Mama.”

She released him. “Okay. Go apologize to Thandie.”

He turned to Joel and tossed his arms around his neck, squeezing. Joel held him close.

“Do you still love me even though I did something bad?”

“Always,” Joel said. “We’ll love you forever.”

Theo stepped back and wiped his eyes. “Okay. I’ll go pologize now.”

He headed out of the room and down the hall, swiping at his eyes. Joel pushed up out of his crouch and sat next to Ayesha on the ottoman, the sides of their arms and thighs touching. He used the opportunity to wrap his arm around her waist, and she lay her head on his shoulder. 

“Think it’s us making him more aggressive?” he asked. “Me and the guys, I mean. Because of what we do?”

She brushed something from his shirt and fixed his collar, and she might as well have kissed him. 

“He doesn’t know exactly what you guys do. Plus, he thinks of you as some kind of superhero who defeats bad guys. Something’s going on with him. He says he keeps dreaming about a scary man. I tried spraying ‘monster spray’ under his bed, but it hasn’t helped so far. Damn internet.”

He laughed, kissed the top of her head, and wished it was her mouth. “You’ll get to the bottom of it.”

“I don’t mind if you want to talk to him too. He respects you. Plus, I haven’t been able to get that ‘Dad voice’ thing down.” She looked up into his face. “If you’re okay with that.”

He stared at her mouth. “I think I am.”

“Joel?”

“Hmm?”

“You look really good today. I’ve always loved the way you dress, and this sweater and collared shirt combo is beautiful on you.”

His face and ears warmed. “Th-thanks.”

“Now you sound like Theo.” She stood and headed for the door. “I’ll see you back out in the living room.”

His ears stayed warm for the rest of the afternoon.

Once the festivities were over, he followed Ayesha back to her place. Theo fell asleep on the short drive back, so he carried him inside and helped Ayesha tuck him in. Josiah gave him a tight hug, told him he loved him, and went to bed. Joel let them know he would always be there for them. His boys, as Sydney had put it.

He and Ayesha now stood a few feet apart from each other in the middle of the living room. His heart thrashed like a wild horse, and the speed of her chest rising and falling meant she was as keyed up as he was. They looked at each other, through each other. He knew he needed to ask her to dinner, but there was something else he wanted to do first.

He closed the gap between them, pulled her up against him, and—

“Mama?”

The kid’s timing was impeccable. 

“Ayesha?” He intended to ask her the dinner question, but what came out of his mouth was, “Move in with me.”

Ayesha’s eyes opened wide. “Wait, what?”

“Mama?” Theo appeared in the hallway opening. “Mama, I…had an accident.”

Theo hadn’t had an accident in at least two years. 

He and Ayesha—well, Ayesha—had still kept him in Pull-Ups and nighttime underwear until he was four, convinced each time he woke up dry, it was a fluke. They—she—had kept the covering on the mattress underneath the sheets as well.

Theo’s head fell. “I’m sorry.”

Ayesha stepped around Joel and crouched in front of Theo. “Oh, baby. It’s okay. You don’t have anything to be sorry about. It happens. I’ll help you change, and we’ll get you some new sheets.”

“I’ll do the sheets,” Joel volunteered. “And set out some new pajamas.”

Ayesha glanced back at him, nodded, and walked off with Theo.

Joel replaced the sheets, took the old ones to the laundry room, sprayed them with Ayesha’s fancy, organic stain remover, and tossed them in the washer. He’d come back in the morning to finish up. He couldn’t find the nerve to ask her out, but his ass was always over here doing laundry, making dinner, watching movies with them, and helping the boys with their homework. It was like he wanted to be part of this family so much, he’d slit his wrists to bleed his intentions. 

He finished up and stopped outside Theo’s door when he heard them fussing.

“It’s not that simple,” Ayesha said.

“It’s really easy,” Theo countered. “When we were still in Maui, I called Joel ‘Daddy,’ and he didn’t even get mad.”

“Theo—”

“It’s not fair! Jojo got to have a daddy!”

“Theodore Savea, lower your voice.” 

Ayesha might not have the Dad voice, but she could inject a quiet firmness in her tone that made even Joel snap to attention. 

“Remember what we said about respect?”

“Yes, Mama. I’m sorry. But, I miss Joel being at our house. I love him a lot, Mama. A whole lot. I just really wish he was my daddy. Like, that was gonna be my wish for my next birthday. Will it still come true even if I told you?”

Joel’s throat drew tight. 

“I know you do, baby,” Ayesha said. “I…love him too.”

If she loved him, they loved each other. They’d, although woven within the confines of a fantastical story, confessed it. His reluctance to ask that one, damn simple question confused the hell out of him. Was that the problem? People usually dated and then fell in love. They appeared to be doing it the other way around. He didn’t want them to start too hot only to fizzle out later. He never wanted them to fizzle out.

Theo continued. “When we liveded with Joel, I didn’t see the man. I never did, Mama.”

“Baby, we never actually lived with…wait, is that why you had the accident tonight? You dreamed about the scary man again?”

“Yes. Joel can protect us from him.”

Joel stepped into the room. 

“Joel!” Theo hopped out of bed and launched himself into Joel’s arms. “I thought you went home.”

“Not without saying good night to my favorite guy.”

“Can you stay until I fall asleep?” Theo asked. “That way, I won’t see the man.”

“Is this the same man every time?”

“Yes.” Theo’s head bobbed with a resounding nod. “He’s scary.”

“Like monster scary?” Joel asked, an uneasy feeling sweeping over him.

“No. Like Uncle Gio scary.”

He carried Theo back over to the bed. “I’ll stay until you fall asleep.”

Ayesha sat on one side of the bed while he sat on the other. Like all those years ago at Dez and Larke’s when he was still a toddler, Theo fell asleep on his chest with his ring and middle finger in his mouth. 

“What’s happening?” Ayesha’s gaze moved back and forth over Theo’s small body. “Did something happen to my baby?”

“Can you do me a favor, Eesh, and let me know if Theo ever mentions the man outside of a nightmare scenario?”

Her gaze shot up to his. “Do you think it might be something real? A real man?”

“He did see Dom when we were in Maui, and Dom could have set him off.” Joel ran his hand over Theo’s hair. “Still, I’d like to keep an eye on it. Something’s freaking him out enough that’s he’s regressing, and that doesn’t sit well with me.”

She stared at him, eyes searching his.

“The answer is yes,” he said.

“What answer?”

“To the question in your eyes. I’ll stay.”

She relaxed. “Thank you.”

“Anything for you and the boys. Now, for my question.” It took him a few seconds to unscramble his brain. It was hard to think when those eyes were set on him. “Have dinner with me? Eesh, when I was gone, I missed you like crazy. It’s why I’ve been staring at you—I went those months without seeing your face. Those eyes. Have dinner w—”

“Yes. God, yes. I’ve been waiting…I was starting to think…never mind. I’d love to have dinner with you.”

He smiled.

She sent a beautiful one right back.

After they were certain Theo was asleep, they tucked him in and left the room. 

Joel started for the guest room, but Ayesha grabbed his hand and motioned, with her head, toward the master bedroom. Nothing would happen tonight, he knew, and he hoped his entire body was on board with that. Understood that. Every last appendage.

While she finished up her nightly routine in the bathroom, he sat waiting on the bed. To settle his nerves about sleeping next to her for the first time, holding her for a whole night, he turned on the TV. Some kind of romantic movie popped up on the screen, and the two main characters were going at it so intensely, he checked to make sure he hadn’t stumbled upon softcore porn. 

That would definitely go over well. 

“What’s this?”

He changed the channel. 

To another sexy movie.

She laughed and took the remote. “We can watch Grimm. Josiah loves that show. He got me into it.”

“Does it have any passionate love scenes?”

“It’s monsters and witches and stuff like that.”

“Sounds like my kind of show.” He walked past her but then stopped, reached for her hand, and kissed her palm. “It’s good to be home.”

“It’s good to have you back,” she said. “I’m glad to have you back.”

“About earlier and the whole moving in thing—”

“It’s fine.”

He nodded and stepped into the bathroom. 

When he finished, and after spending too long fussing with his hair only to go to sleep, he stepped back into the bedroom.

Oh, damn.

Ayesha Savea was in his bed. Well, her bed. She wasn’t even dolled up—she wore a simple pink nightgown with straps and that fell about mid-thigh—but She. Was. In. His. Bed.

Well…hers.

Still, it was the stuff of fantasies.

He removed his wallet and keys, set them on the nightstand, and undressed down to his tank undershirt, keeping his pants on. The entire time he undressed, she watched him.

“I still have some of your stuff.” She pointed to her dresser. “Those times I did your laundry as a thank you for being there for me and the boys, I ended up mixing up some of our stuff. I should have a pair of shorts of yours. And a few boxers.”

The last thing he needed was anything with a hole in the crotch to sleep next to this woman. It was a guarantee she’d get poked, and he didn’t want to “extend” over that line with her just yet.

“The shorts.”

She went to the dresser, and she didn’t have to search for them, as if she’d placed them somewhere specific because they were his.

He stepped out of his pants, was grateful his dick remained asleep, and pulled on the shorts.

She scooted over on the mattress.

He climbed in next to her.

“I’m sure it’s nothing,” he reassured, “but I’ll stay until you guys feel safe. I’ll make sure the boys don’t see me, you know, in here. I’ll leave before they wake up, change, and come back.”

Her gaze lowered to his mouth. “Until we feel safe again.”

“I’ll protect you and the boys. You know that, right? With my life, if need be.”

“I’m hoping it doesn’t have to come to that. It’s very important to me that you have a life and that the boys are in it.”

“And you.” He grabbed her waist and dragged her close. “I want you in it too.”

“Mama, can I sleep in your room?”

Ayesha hurried off the bed, intercepted Theo before he got to her doorway, and crouched to his eye level. “How about I sleep in your room instead?”

“Is Joel still here?”

“Yes. He’s…taking a shower.”

Theo seemed to consider the answer for a moment. “Where’s Joel gonna sleep?”

“I’ll let him have my room for the night if I’ll be with you.”

“I wanna sleep in your room, then. With you and Joel. Is that okay? Can I do that even if he’s not my daddy?”

She rubbed his arms. “Hmm…sure. Let’s go.”

When they entered the room, Joel emerged from the bathroom rubbing a towel over his head. He’d even gone so far as to wet his hair, and she loved the way he accommodated them without a fuss. She would have to make it up to him. He deserved whatever world she could piece together to give him.

Theo crawled into bed and settled in the middle. Ayesha shut off the TV right before a werewolf looking creature appeared on the screen. More scares was the last thing they needed tonight.

She climbed in on one side and Joel sandwiched Theo on the other. Theo gravitated to him, his head on Joel’s chest. It had been that way with them for years. Many times when they visited, Josiah and Theo stayed days with Joel and Sydney. That hadn’t changed with their split. Her babies loved him, and it was easy to see why. Easy to see how.

Theo yawned. “Good night, Papa. And good night, Joel. I love you.”

Tears welled in Ayesha’s eyes. She had no clue he said “good night” to Curtis. She had no clue he even spoke to him.

Joel kissed the top of his head. “I love you too, Theo.”

“Good night, Mama. I love you to infinity.”

She peppered the side of his face with kisses, and he giggled with his eyes closed. “I love you too, sweetie. Even more than that.”

He plopped his ring finger and middle finger into his mouth and drifted off.

* * *

Trevor Mason ducked a punch and brought his fist up into the stomach of the man across from him. His group mate’s stomach.

“Damn it, Trevor.” Wesley Barnes grabbed his midsection. “Isn’t that supposed to be the arm where you got shot?”

Their phones buzzed. 

Four more men entered the training room—Adrían Delgano, Lee Jeong-Hyeok, Siriano Lavigne, and Nicholas Spettro.

“This is one for you, Adrían.” Trevor jutted out his chin. “Recon on Ayesha Savea.”

“Shouldn’t I be doing that?” Nicholas raised his hand. “We don’t have to send Adrían—”

“I’ll go.” Adrían looked up from the apple he peeled. “Lavigne got spotted by the kid the last time. I won’t make the same mistake.”

02: Seven Kisses02/21/2021

“Ayesha?”

She looked up. “Adrían?”

“You look beautiful.” He drew her close. “It’s so good seeing you.”

She returned the hug and spotted Joel watching them over Adrían’s shoulder. “You too.”

“I’m beautiful?”

“Nice seeing you too, I mean.”

“I know. I’m joking.” He tightened the arms he still had around her. “Are you out here alone?”

He looked good, still had that slight Brazilian accent that used to make her panties wet. Back then, he was slimmer and more toned. Over the years, he’d packed on a good deal of muscle but still had that whole rugged Jon Kortajarena thing going on. 

“No, I’m with someone.” 

He released her, and his disappointment looked authentic. “That’s too bad. For me, not for him. How are the boys?”

“Good. Actually, I have to get back to my—”

“Of course. Of course. Say hi to Theo and Josiah for me.”

Jon Kortajarena

If you’re looking for great reads to fill your next six weekends (or days, because I know how you guys devour books) say no more. Myself, Jodie Slaughter, Riley Jordan, Emery C.F. Bryant, Courtney Dean, and Tierra Cox have got you covered. 

Discover a new author or catch up with one of your faves.

Enter To Win

In preparation for Joel and Ayesha’s series, I’ve compiled their scenes/episodes from Mike and Xara’s HERE for your reading pleasure. Their story picks up after the guys get back from Austria, and their “against the wall” incident.

By the way, since Joel and Ayesha’s series debuts on the blog on 02.14.2021, it means you guys are my Valentine(s).

No give backsies

On a personal note: Doing this and getting to interact with everyone, during quarantine, has been a blessing. Even introverts get lonely in quarantine, and I suspect that has something to do with “being told” we have to stay inside.

So, if there’s anything additional you want to know about the characters, add it to the comments and I’ll compile a Character Interview type of post.

Do you think that there is any added pressure on Black women in genre fiction to be “a certain way”? For instance, do you think it’s more difficult/less acceptable for Black women to be portrayed as:

Uncertain Insecure Vulnerable Quiet Submissive Add your own adjective

There are some books, specifically those in which the female lead isn’t Black/African American, where I see those types of personalities. These books do extremely well. As a matter of fact, it’s more than “some” books. Whereas, I’ve read critiques or have had feedback shared from other authors/readers that it is a little bit like a field of landmines trying to navigate the intricacies of a non-self-assured Black woman in a way readers will enjoy.

Taraji P. Henson recently released a mental health video where she poses the question of whether the “Strong Black Woman” identity is far more damaging than we realize. Personally, I’m someone who has questioned whether or not I “fit in” in certain circles because of my reticence. It often feels impossible to be strong and shy at the same time; to stand up for myself some days and remain quiet others; to not constantly worry about whether I’m portraying myself in the “right” way. To not hide certain things about myself in order to fit in lest I be exiled to the island of Elba.

As a child, I was a fighter. I used my fists, my feet. I had no concept of “lady.” I had an intense thing about people messing with my friends or anyone shorter than me, and words were not my first choice in the heat of battle. Anyone who had a problem with it could suck lemons.

It was then drilled, hammered, and sewn into me that “ladies are to be seen and never heard.” There was to be no more hanging upside down on monkey bars, no more dirt under my collar, and no more competitiveness with boys because it made no sense to me how “being a boy” somehow meant they were automatically better at anything. If I was sitting and my thighs started to sweat, I dare not part them, even a smidge, unless I wanted to be welcomed immediately into the Kingdom of Whores. 

This was what it meant to be a holy girl. A “clean” girl. A good little Black girl. 

On the flip side, once I entered my late teens, I was informed shy and insecure isn’t what it’s meant to be a Black girl. This escalated to: never let them see you cry. Never let them know you struggle. Hide your anxiety, your depression. Your eating disorder, your self-harm. Speak up for yourself all the time, every time. Never “need” anyone. Forget what Bill Withers said…lean on no one but Jesus. Maybe your mother if she thinks the reason is valid. 

Black girls simply do not…

Which way is the right way? The reformed child pugilist or the child prizefighter?

How can she be strong…if she’s shy? If she’s quiet? If she’s afraid of confrontation? If she cries in the shower? If she wants to feel safe in a man’s arms? If she wants a man to tell her she’s beautiful? If she truly doesn’t want to do all of this, in life, alone? If she has anxiety? If she struggles? If she’s awkward? If she sometimes needs? If she doesn’t like the way she looks? If she hurts herself? If she second-guesses her role as a mother or partner? If she admits she’s wrong? If even one of those resonates with her?

How does she know the version of her that feels truest isn’t an embarrassment among the population of other brown-skinned ladies? 

So, are we expecting a certain image when we think of what it means to be a “strong black woman” in our literary choices? Can we accept characters who don’t automatically fall for the hero’s advances, who second guess themselves, who cry, whose character arc may need to start at meek & insecure…etcetera, etcetera?

This is what I was told as an author: Write characters the way they need to be written. No one is going to enjoy everything you’ve written, so it’s impossible to write to please everyone. Write to be authentic to your story, and to reflect the nuances of the human experience.

It sounds lovely in theory, but it gets a little tricky on paper.

xoxo,

Alex

Note: At the end of the day, I’ll keep writing my characters as they are, so you guys don’t have to worry about a major shift. I’m proud of every one of them, especially my fighters like Mo & Sam. My nerds like Tia & Kerah. My strugglers like Larke. And my unique ones like Roux.

But Joel has a book!

I didn’t realize how long I’ve had this series, but that’s where Joel and Sydney come in.

It came out in July of 2016!

Click the picture to be taken directly to the link.

If I can ask you guys one favor: Please find me a man so I can stop falling for characters.

Hi,

I was asked about releasing some sort of guide/folio/compendium to keep up with the Angels and Assassins characters. I've actually never done one of these. Also, since I created them, it's easier for me to keep them all in my head about who's who and what child goes where. 

So, what would be most helpful for you guys to add to the guide? 

Let me know what you need!

Coming February 14th 2021

Theo continued. “When we lived with Joel, I didn’t see the man. I never did, Mama.”

“We never actually lived with…wait, is that why you had the accident tonight? You dreamed about the scary man again?”

“Yes. Joel can protect us from him.”

Joel stepped into the room. 

“Joel!” Theo hopped out of bed and launched himself into Joel’s arms. “I thought you left.”

“Not without saying good night to my favorite guy.”

“Can you stay until I fall asleep?” Theo asked. “That way, I won’t see the man.”

“Is this the same man every time?”

“Yes.” Theo nodded emphatically. “He’s scary.”

An uneasy feeling swept over Joel. “Like monster scary?” he asked.

“No. Like Uncle Gio scary.”

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