Ever wanted to be an author? Don’t worry: you’re not alone. With the ranks of “aspiring authors” growing by the minute, with creative writing courses booming, and with “author” at the top of the list of the nation’s “ideal jobs”, it seems as if most of the population is desperate to join the ranks.

Why? It can’t be money. According to figures recently released by the Society of Authors, the average income for a professional author is about £11,000 a year, and dropping all the time. That’s well below the minimum wage, and frankly, there are easier ways of staying poor and frustrated.

Nor can it be about respect, given that authors are widely undervalued, taken for granted and misunderstood – that is, if they’re not being plagiarized, pirated, exploited or otherwise ripped off by people who don’t quite believe that what they do counts as work.

So what is it about writing for a living that makes people go all starry-eyed? It’s very simple, really. Some people write because they love writing. These people would probably keep on writing whether or not they were published. If you are one of these people, then there is nothing I can say to put you off, or to make you see sense. Join the club. Pull up a chair. Maybe have a cup of tea.

Then there are the people who write because they want to be writers. These people have a particular idea about what being a writer entails. It’s a highly romanticized idea, filled with dangerous nonsense. My advice to these people is: if the idea of being a writer is more important and attractive to you than actually writing, then run. Run like the wind. Maybe take up a hobby.

See, here’s the thing. Being an author is a bit like being a ninja. You don’t get to be a successful ninja if all you really want is to be seen to be a ninja. Being a ninja is a covert activity. Ninjas don’t go around going: “LOOK AT ME, DUDE, I’M A NINJA!” They just get on with being ninjas, and no-one is any the wiser.

Now you’re probably thinking that my analogy is pretty tenuous. But authors and ninjas have something else in common. Both have become creatures of legend. Both have been exoticized beyond reason or possibility. Ask a kid what a ninja does and they’ll probably say something about throwing stars, powers of invisibility or hanging out with turtles. Ask an adult what an author does, and unless they’re in the book trade, they will probably trot out something equally far from the truth – except that instead of ninja throwing stars, they’ll be talking about movie options, launches, festivals and book prizes. Because that’s what we tend to do with things we don’t have direct experience of: we take the things we like the sound of and build them into fantasies. And although there’s nothing remotely wrong with people having fantasies, if those fantasies turn into stereotypes that harm or diminish others, or cause us to have false expectations that will lead to disillusionment, then we have a problem.

So, here are some myths about authors, stripped of all their silly romance. Besides, I personally like to believe that the real thing is better anyway…

1. Authors are Different to Normal People.
Wrong. There is no “author type.” Authors come in pretty much all the same types that any other people do – except that they write books. And yes, they’re just as weird, normal, honest, lazy, strong, clever, brave, foolish, weak, obsessive, boring (insert any adjective here) as the rest of humankind. Othering isn’t cool. Don’t do it with authors.

2. Real Authors Create Art – it Isn’t Really a Job to Them.
Er… yeah. Yes it is. That’s just a myth invented by cheapskates who don’t want to pay authors for the work they do.

3. Anyone Can Be An Author.
No they can’t: just as not everyone can be a doctor, or a marathon runner, or a ballerina, or a politician, or a monk, or a footballer, or an undertaker, or a taxidermist, or that guy who taste-tests Haribo. (also see: Everyone Should Write a Book. Why on earth should they want to?)

4. Authors Should Suffer For Their Art.
Nope. Try breaking your ankle; see if it makes you better at your job.

5. Authors Are Somehow Better, Finer, Nobler Individuals Through Their Art.
Wrong. All of them still fart in bed; have bad days; screw up. You’re doing them no favours by assuming they’re superhuman.

6. Authors Enjoy Their Job All The Time. Wrong. No job is all roses. Sometimes being a writer can be frustrating, dull, or depressing. We mostly keep on going in spite of those things, not because of them.

7. Authors Are Intellectuals.
Wrong. Some are; some not. But an academic background is by no means a guarantee of success as an author.

8. Authors are Part of a Special, Secret Author Club, a Bit Like The Freemasons, But More Literary.
A persistent myth among unpublished writers, this one presupposes that authors get published via a secret handshake, or sinister Old Boy network, rather than a publisher’s hope that they’ll make money for them. Needless to say, it isn’t true.

9. You Get to Be an Author By Believing In Yourself.
Sadly, not. It sometimes helps, but persistence and self-belief alone are no guarantee of success. Sometimes, and for a variety of possible reasons, you never get where you want to be. This is no reason not to try, however.

10. Being an Author Makes You Somehow Better Than Other People.
Wrong. And if you think it does, you’re probably a bit of a dick.