It was a grueling task to salivate my way through the entries, but after much deliberation a winner has been chosen.

Dan M. (the crowd goes wild)

Dan's entry is below:

So there I was, gasping for breath and covered with hot cheese, on my back on the floor in the main aisle at Costco--you know, right between the produce and frozen foods--the victim of a vicious hit-and-run senior citizen driving one of those little electric carts. The impact spun me around, bouncing me off one of the sample tables where a Hispanic woman had been slicing grilled Jimmy Dean sausages into bite sized offerings to be wrapped in bacon and pierced with toothpicks before being dipped in jalapeno cheese fondue.

A small Asian man knelt at my side and told me in flawless English, "I don't want you to panic, but the sausage lady's knife is is jammed between two of your ribs on your left side here, and has undoubtedly pierced your lung and created a penumothorax which is why you're having trouble breathing," to which I said, "Huh?"

He said, "I'm sorry, but this may hurt"--massively understated, by the way--and he pulled the knife out of my ribs, then ripped my shirt away to reveal the wound, shaking his head at the sight, before using fondue to glue a thick strip of bacon over the ragged slit in my chest, which, after watching it carefully for a few moments as my breathing grew easier, seemed to satisfy him as he licked cheese off his fingers and pronounced me out of immediate danger.

Dan, good job, and everyone, a thank you for participating!