(Things I’d do as President, right before everybody leaves)

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America. The land of abundant stuff…especially when you’re a “victim” and the government gets other people to pay for the stuff. But I digress, which is hard to do when you’re only in the second sentence.

But it’s true: Americans have a wealth of available things, including kitchen appliances and disposable genders, here in the land where the deer and the antelope role-play, as they transition sexually in order to use any...