(how I became an android in 3 easy payments)

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I don’t know what Santa Claus brought all of you for Christmas this year, but I got a shiny new pseudophakia.

Try to control your emotions. Don’t be jealous.

It all started when I went for my yearly eye exam, an annual bit of non-negotiable discipline to which I fervently adhere, every three or four years. My world-class insurance company (Big Tony’s Health Insurance & Same-Day Auto Detailing) only offered me two “in-network” eye doctor...