(And the small naked bronze man goes to…)

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Don’t look now, America, but they’re here again. That’s right: the Academy Awards – that formerly fabulous night when Hollywood dresses up, parties down, and congratulates itself. And this year, given the once-glamorous event’s sinking ratings over the years, as many as ten people are expected to tune in and watch Meryl Streep insult people.

The Oscars: four hours of watching rich, bitter grown-ups who are famous because they’re famous, wh...