After years of working behind the table at wine festivals around the world, you notice some things. So here’s your insider’s guide to behaving like a pro. Please don’t get all worked up and defensive over the language… it’s all in good fun. And let’s face it, if you’re feeling offended, it’s just because you’re one of the worst offenders!

– Don’t tether your wine glass to your neck

– Don’t pinch your fingers and say, “Just a little.” Dump it if you don’t want to finish it, but I’m going to pour as much as I damn well please

– Don’t violently lift your glass mid-pour and say, “That’s plenty.” Same deal as above.

– Don’t say, “Give me the biggest thing you have.” This isn’t NASCAR.

– Let “smooth” take the day off from your vocabulary… the whole day

– Don’t shove. I mean… really

– Don’t say you hate Merlot. We all saw Sideways. Guess what: Miles didn’t want to drink Merlot because it reminded him of his ex-wife. That bottle he drank in the end—his most precious bottle—had a ton of Merlot in it.

– Don’t tell every winemaker about the winery that was down the street while you lived in Lodi

– Don’t ask how the wine scored… ever.

– Do wear a “Wine’er, Dine’er, 69’er T-shirt

– If you are going to use one of those little food trays that has a cutout for your glass, you better be damn sure you are cool enough. Note: no one we’ve met so far is that cool

– Over-buff late thirties guy: Don’t try to impress your date by contradicting me. You’re going to fail. Yeah, try me

– Don’t lick your glass… just, ewwww.

– Don’t talk about your sulfite allergy. There is a good chance you have no idea what you’re talking about

– Don’t dump into the water pitcher. And always look before you drink out of it

– Practice spitting at home; it will come in handy

– Don’t talk about the legs after you swirl the glass. Here’s a tip: the legs don’t matter.

– Don’t take your heels off and puke in the lobby

– Don’t ask for the “most expensive” or “my favorite” wine on the table

– Keep the rim of your glass food free

– If you proclaim that you don’t like white or rosé, we will make fun of you when you walk away

– NO Perfume! And go light on the lipstick, honey. Those marks are hard to get off the rim

– Asking for a wine donation at the table for your charity will result in instant death by saber

– Don’t say: “Um, this is actually good.” Because the person before you just said it. And the person after you is going to say it, too!

boo

p.s. Thanks to Christophe Hedges of Hedges Family Estate for his contributions.

 

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