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1. D Arcy Short: Not only won’t he score runs, he will run you out if you try to.

2. Gambhir: Seen better times, now fallen on dark days. Bengal’s jute factories.

3. Maxwell: Used to play well under UPA, now destroyed by intolerance.

4. Yuvraj Singh: Looked grumpy throughout, whether it be on the field or on the bench. There are bad times and then there are worse times and then there are times when Manoj Tiwary takes your place.

5. Stokes: When they called him today’s Flintoff, they weren’t off the mark. Ties with Flintoff and Lord Clive as the Britishers who took the most of Indian resources and gave the least in return.



6. Rinku Singh (captain): Bargain basement Raina, he was a standout performer on KKRs YouTube video channel.

7. Sarfaraz Khan: Rather than retain KL Rahul, Bangalore chose to retain him. Every time he scored a four, he would look up to the sky and thank God, because for others what a fifty was was to him surviving a ball. Since he wasn’t doing too much running in the field, also our keeper.

8. Stuart Binny: When he played for KKR, Rohan Gavaskar would not bowl and bat after the bowlers. That and being the son of a better cricketer, there was much of Rohan in Binny.

9. Washington Sundar: Two words. What happened?

10. Vinay Kumar: Vinay Kumar was about as threatening to batsmen as A K Hangal would have been in a MMA ring. Showed more aggression on Twitter than on the field.

11. Unadkat: As a return on investment, Unadkat was like stock in a pager company. Today.

12, 13th and 14th man:  Javon Philip Ramon Scantlebury-Searles: To give him his full name, this man is more than one man, enough to make Neil Nitin Mukesh suffer from an inferiority complex. While everyone else was playing IPL, this gentleman was playing CPL (where KKR owns a team), and that is the only explanation I can give for his presence, given that even when he was in the playing eleven, he hardly bowled or batted.

Coach: Shane Warne.  Rivaling Kejriwal for apologizing (he apologized to the fans for losing to CSK), and then rivaling Kejriwal for throwing shade at his opponents (he called Dinesh Kartik annoying), the great leg spinner was better with his tweets than with his mentoring.