(A competency quiz for Baby Boomers)

My generation's in trouble.

I don't mean in trouble with the law, or anything so dramatic as that. We already went through that phase, back in "the day," and we quickly got over the "glamor" of getting arrested.

Admittedly, we were maniacs. We played outside … OUTSIDE! (though not in our school clothes) We rode bikes, without helmets, and didn't die. We played tag, and dodge-ball, and threw rocks, and didn't die. So we might have been rash, at times. But we weren't stupid.

And that's my point. We used to be smart. Because we used to have to remember stuff, like Presidents, and state capitals, and our phone number. Remembering to change out of our school clothes, and not to slam the screen door. Remembering how to play, and dodge rocks, and win, and lose. And not die.

But then we grew up. (Well, many of us grew up. Well, some of us. Well, you.) And at some point we ceded control. Now, we get all our knowledge from Google, and all our truth from snopes.com.

Now, we don't have to remember anything. We just hop online, google it, verify it, use it, and forget it.

And now look at us Boomers. We're as ignorant as a Senator at an ethics hearing – and as insecure as an eclair at a Paula Deen picnic.

We're the first generation who would ever dream of taking the time to reply to an opinion survey with the response 'no opinion.' And forget naming the fifty state capitals – without a computer, we can't name fifty numbers. (But we don't have to. There's an app for that.)

So, in hopes of helping exercise atrophied craniums everywhere, we've cobbled together this handy Common Sense Quiz. It's guaranteed to be completely fraudulent; however, it's staggeringly useless. (this has been confirmed by snopes.com)

Ready? Let's begin.

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What's the most abundant metal in the Earth's core?

Aluminum
Dirt
Led Zeppelin

Can you name three of the original states?

Maryland, Virginia and Conneti … Cunect … Kinnec … Georgia
Maryland, Clemson and Boston College
No

If you rearranged the letters "PZOMKSLA" you would have

the name of an animal
the name of a country
the name of an Eastern European hockey player
wasted several minutes

A farmer has thirteen cows. A bolt of lightning kills all but five of them. How many cows survived?

Eight
Five
None. The farmer also kept zoo animals. Then one day, he went insane, released them, and they ate all the cows.

ESSAY QUESTION:  Mary, who is sixteen years old, is four times as old as her brother, who likes to wear Mary's clothes. How old will Mary be when her brother is eligible for early parole?

Why are there 100 Senators in the Senate?

The Constitution provides for two Senators from each state.
The Founding Fathers only budgeted for 100 chairs.
In my entire life, I have never seen 100 Senators in the Senate, and neither have you.

Complete the following sentence:  When faced with unexpected events, _____

I know I can rise to the challenge.
I wonder if I can cope.
I buckle like the fender on an electric car.

What do you put in a toaster?

Toast
Bread
Barry Manilow CDs

Which one of the four is least like the other three?

Dog
Coyote
Wolf
John Edwards

Who presides over your local government?

My County Commissioners
My Mayor and community council
My cousin's stepfather, Big Tony

Which one of the four is least like the other three?

Canine
Incisor
Molar
John Edwards

ESSAY QUESTION:  A friend you believed to be close suddenly breaks off all communication for no apparent reason. You leave phone messages but get no reply. How long do you wait before de-friending her, updating your Facebook status, and flaming her reputation?

In terms of keeping appointments, I am likely to arrive

Slightly early
Slightly late
Yes, I am.

What kinds of words are used in the following sentences:  "Wow! My grandpa did a backflip!"

Two nouns, one verb, and an interjection
An action, a reaction and an injunction
Lies

Sally has three coins equaling fifty-five cents. One of the coins is not a nickel. What are the three coins?

Two quarters and a nickel.
One half-dollar and three very strange pennies.
Someone else's. Sally is a kleptomaniac.

For what chemical process do plants need sunlight, carbon dioxide, and water?

Photojournalism
Precipitation
Plant sex

ESSAY QUESTION:  You're driving a bus from Jacksonville to Miami. At St. Augustine, 11 people get on the bus. At Daytona, 3 riders get off and 9 get on. In Boca Raton, 4 more passengers climb on and 3 exit the bus. How many passengers will make it all the way to Miami if the toothless guy in the back wearing the choir robe and fur hat keeps arguing with the luggage rack?

"Acquiesce" is the opposite of

Agree
Disagree
Quiesce

Who elects the President of the United States?

The electoral college
The citizens of the United States
An evil international banking consortium that would flick you off this planet like a limp mouse carcass

Complete the following sentence:  I did _____ on my grammar test.

good
well
not cheat much
a backflip

What is the introduction to the Constitution called?

The Pre-Ramble
The Disclaimer
The Acquiescence

ESSAY QUESTION:  Johnny needs seventeen bottles of water from the store. Johnny can only carry three bottles of water at a time. What do you suppose is going on at Johnny's house that requires all that water?

During a morning break at work, I usually take the opportunity to

Chat with my coworkers
Have some time to myself
Cart off some more office supplies
Detox

Complete the following sentence:  As a rule, politicians should be _____.

in favor of term limits
inspired by a humble, public-serving nature
indicted

Jack had two rabbits. Then his mom gave him a turtle and another rabbit. How many rabbits does Jack have now?

Counting the turtle?
Could be dozens. You know how rabbits can be when it comes to photojournalism. They're worse than plants. Or John Edwards.
Two. He swapped the new one for fifty-five cents with Sally.

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So, how'd you do? Feeling smarter already, aren't you? Excellent!

And now, where do we go from here?

I have no clue.

Google it.