(Now this is something new: software that hates you back)

It’s Tuesday, about 10am, and in case you hadn’t noticed, Facebook has changed its look-and-feel again. Seriously. Again. That’s the third time they’ve reworked themselves this week. And it’s only Tuesday, about 10am.

Facebook is the only website on Earth that’s rendered in pencil.

This week’s new version of the Facebook interface is being marketed as the “Timeline,” because “Timeline” sounds futuristic and hip, and because “Irritating Piece of Junk” was already taken.

Now, we’re not here to pass judgment on Facebook; after all, there are now an estimated 700 million Facebook subscribers, as of Tuesday, about 10am. To put that in perspective, if Facebook was a country, it would be the third largest country on the planet, and Ron Paul would be demanding that we get our troops out of Facebook.

Over 700 million subscribers. That’s a staggering success story, not to mention the potential religious implications of 700 million people all typing OMG at the same time.

So, before the next Facebook makeover (scheduled for Tuesday, about 11am), let’s review some of the new features of Timeline!

Timeline is a way to let you share your entire life’s story online, by posting an embarrassing amount of personal information on a non-secure website that’s potentially available to more bipeds than are listed in Madonna’s rolodex.

The genius underpinning Timeline can be encapsulated by reviewing this list of Timeline’s design goals:

Analyze which features users like, and then hide them
Analyze which menus users like, and then rename them (if it’s a Friday, or an HR-designated “Marquis de Sade Day,” remove the menus entirely)
Randomly shuffle sections of the user’s profile page so the sections show up in rude, nonsensical locations (including entirely different websites, or universes)

Timeline now allows you to customize your Facebook page based on what type of Facebook user you are. Most Facebook users fall into one of these categories:

The Steno: Champion of the sentence fragment, which is sometimes no more than just an acronym, like LOL, OMG, TMI or ROTFLMAO. The Steno hasn’t composed a complete sentence since the second grade. (the sentence was “Feed me.”) Probably works in network television advertising, or toxic waste management, which is redundant. IMHO.
Captain Lockjaw: This is the guy who finds it impossible to complete a train of thought without tacking on a little smiley face caboose. Without the smiley face, Captain Lockjaw can’t say anything, or reply to anything, or perform internal bodily functions like generating enzymes.
The Poster Child: Never offers any actual syllables, but just spends all day forwarding giant images of family, forest animals, pets, blurred office parties, or witty, trenchant quips and bromides like “There is No I in Team” and “I Heart Vampire Topiary.”
Rasputin (aka, The Lurker): This is the mysterious, mute friend who never makes himself known. Never says a word. Never posts, never replies. Just…lurks. You know he’s there, watching…waiting. Rasputin’s like an ex-girlfriend that wants her albums back.
Debbie Detritus: Debbie is that friend who invites you to events like the Obese Toenail Festival (next weekend in Rancid Gutter, Oklahoma). Debbie also sends you things…things that make you want to send Debbie to a very strict Spanish Inquisition revival: Debbie has sent you a Yak Cookie! Debbie has sent you a Timothy Leary Cocktail! Debbie wants you to have a Beaver Gland Corsage Inhaler!
The Shrieker: TWO WORDS – CAPS LOCK
The Exclaimer!: You love ‘em!! Or you hate ‘em!!!! But you can always gauge the intensity of their excitement, agreement, or anger by counting the number of exclamation marks they use!!!!!
The Adam Sandler Trump Card: This friend can’t help himself. He must reply to every comment, and he thinks his replies are hilarious. It’s because of people like this that mankind invented euthanasia.
The Reality Show Star: You know this one, too well. “I’m dropping little Tad off at soccer practice!” “I have to go to work!” “I’m on the way to work!” “I’m about to have some soup! Yum!” “I’m almost at work!” “My organs are generating enzymes! LOL!” “I’m growing faint from an internal hemorrhage! LOL!”
The Giver: Here’s that friend who says nothing, but shares everything. The Giver hasn’t had an original thought since naming their first pet (Spot). It makes you wonder if they even own a keyboard.
Bouncy Betty: Betty demands that you “like” something she saw because it’s just the cutest thing you ever saw in your whole life! (Betty is closely related to The Exclaimer!)
The Followers of Saint Biden: This is the group that can’t string six words together without cursing. They’re also known for their ability to turn any conversation into a double entendre: if someone comments, “I read where Eleanor Roosevelt once paved her driveway,” a Follower will snort and toss back, “Yeah, I’d like to pave her driveway.”
The Free Thinkre: This free spirit believes they exist on a plane beyond literacy, and that spelling, grammar and punctuation are too Victorian for social media. They likely stare into the sky a lot and wear loose-fitting clothes. For the record, may I say this about the Free Thinkres:  there wrong

Security, of course, is paramount in Timeline, and by paramount we mean insanely complicated. To take full advantage of the new security settings, follow these easy steps:

Click “About”
Curse mildly, then click “About” again, because while you were clicking “About” the first time, Timeline updated your status
Click “My Secure Stuff”
Buy two Farmville un-hatched yak egg coupon biscuits from the Mafia dwarf, after you’ve unlocked the Level Two cabbage dragon formerly held captive by the Deviated Septum of Ortho.
Click “My Yak Yolk”
Mop up the yak yolk with the dwarf
Click “My Secure Stuff” again
Choose “Encrypt Me”
Facebook will generate a security code, which you should remember
Log out and log back in
Click “y-May ecure-Say uff-Stay”
Enter your security code, which you forgot
Choose who can access your medical records, your banking information, and your fully-mapped genome
Click “Save”
Curse mildly, because your Timeline session has timed out
See Step 1

Alternatively, here’s a little “geek insider” secret; a fun way to take full advantage of the tightest Facebook security possible:

Click “About”
Take note of all that highly personal information of yours, that’s potentially available to over 700 million people (as of 10am)
Google the customer support phone number for Facebook
Call the number
Unsubscribe

Anyway, we hope this little primer helps, and we just know you’ll enjoy the new Timeline!

If you hurry.