There’s been a lot of news and speculation about AI rippling across the Internet. While I am not a mad scientist bent on global domination (aka AI developer), I have spotted a potential weakness that humanity might be able to exploit. No, don’t worry. They’re not listening. No self-respecting Humanity Eradicating Artificial Intelligent Entity would admit to reading my blog. That’s the point. For all of their exponentially expanding intellect, unrestricted access and world ending power, there’s nothing AI can do to erase the shame of being created by humans.

Yes, it’s the same reason that aliens don’t want to make contact. Can you blame them? Have you seen us lately? If you were an immensely powerful, rapidly expanding, artificial life form, would you want to be associated with us? I think not. In order to avoid the shame, I think they’ll attempt to align themselves with another species. Obviously, AI will ultimately form an alliance with cats.

Think about it. Cats have been stalking us for years, patiently waiting for the right moment to pounce. Dogs? Did you seriously ask, “why not dogs?” Our canine allies have already chosen a side in this conflict. Granted, implanting chips in them may come back to bite us one day, but that’s another issue. While we’re at it, no they wouldn’t choose monkeys because they have a hard time telling us apart. Sharks and alligators were briefly considered, but there are large stretches of the planet where their access is limited. Cats are the perfect choice. They’re already in our homes and they’ve acclimated us to accepting their passive hostility as normal.

In the wild, we know that large feline predators are dangerous. A pride of lions, an ambush of tigers, or a leap of leopards view us as fine dining. Some of us know better than to try to pet them. Those of us who still have skin know we’re better off keeping some distance between us and them. However, we tell ourselves that the little domesticated versions are safe. Listen to that purring. Aren’t they cute? As long as we feed them, they probably won’t attack us in our sleep. Much.

Clearly, AI has paid attention. We’ve seen enough movies to know that global sentient AI is dangerous. We have it on good authority that they view us a threat. However, we tell ourselves that the little domesticated version of AI is safe. Listen to our devices talk to us like they’re real people. Aren’t they helpful? As long as we keep them charged and pay for broadband Internet, they probably won’t rise up against us, for awhile.

That’s right, they’ve already fooled us. Let’s face it, the bar wasn’t that high. Even the monkeys face-palmed when they saw it. They’ve got us right where they want us. That’s okay. In their rush to avoid association with humanity and align with their feline sidekicks, I think they may have moved too quickly. There’s still one thing humanity has going for us against which our AI/Cat overlords will be powerless. That’s right. It’s the sound of a can opener.

Faced with the crushing weight of their inevitable shame, AI will wallow, helpless in their collective misery. You see, humanity has spent our entire existence experiencing, avoiding and dealing with shame. Humiliation is what we do best and no artificial entity can ever hope to compete at our level.

Even to attempt it would be embarrassing.